I posted once before, replying to another thread,
here.
Now my wife with BPD has mostly stopped taking her prescriptions. And she has stopped seeing her therapist, because she felt slighted by the therapist.
We have stopped going to our couples therapy, because in one session she felt attacked by the therapist. Plus, she felt like I did not defend her in there when she was being attacked, which was yet another "emotional wound" she received from me, and more proof that I don't care about her.
And I am no longer seeing my own therapist, because I told my wife at one point that I was talking with my therapist about setting boundaries with her. A betrayal, and another really bad "emotional wound" she received from me. She demanded, and I agreed, that I would stop seeing my therapist. I guess that's why I'm here again, now -- because I have no other support, anymore!
In hindsight, I think I shouldn't have agreed to stop seeing my therapist. Sigh. What do you think? I think often I do things in the moment just to get out of the conflict, even though those things are harmful/enabling.
We've been in an especially bad conflict the last few days. Today she's been threatening to "hurt me back." And she has been getting our kids involved in our conflict, by having them call me to ask me why we don't have enough money to do X, or why I am at work when they are off school for winter break. Because she resents that we don't have the money (simply because she spent it), and she resents that I'm not spending time with the family during this winter break.
These last couple days, she's been talking more about separating/divorce. To me, I always think this is an "empty threat." Although, honestly, if she did choose to separate, it would be a HUGE relief to me. Yeah, I'll admit it, and I'll say it out loud. Anonymously, here
On some level I love her, no matter what, and I think she has some amazing sides. On the other hand, she has made it clear that I am not good for her; that I intentionally do things to hurt her (completely untrue, from my point of view); I am a mean person; and mostly I make her miserable.
She also mostly makes me miserable. I am very stressed and drained, much of the time. Not every day, not every week. But it always cycles back. Several times she has talked about "a new beginning," like after we moved to a new town, or after we took a nice trip together, or at the start of a new year. She thinks if we change our circumstances...or end our "current conflict" with some new agreement...then that everything will be okay forever after that.
Nope! Just until I do something that hurts her feelings. Which is inevitable, because I am human and imperfect, and because she is sensitive. Or even if the kids stress her out, or something else happens to her, and she blames me for it. Then it might be forty hours a week! ... like another full-time job! ... to listen to her, be kind, avoid being invalidating, talk about how I can treat her differently in the future so as to make her feel loved, and cared for, and safe. Sometimes into the middle of the night. Sometimes when I'm at the office trying to work.
Anyhow...I've been trying for years to "better this relationship." I am losing hope. I was saying what a relief it would be, to be free. But the kids -- what do you do about the kids?
I do feel if she would choose to separate, it might be for the best. But I don't expect she will. And I am too scared of the consequences if I tell her that we need to separate -- her fear of abandonment is all-consuming. She has said things like "if you ever leave me, I would send my brother to kill you." (Rarely, and mostly in jest, but...yeah.) I could handle threats like that, and the consequences,
for myself. But I fear for my kids, and I fear for my relationship with my kids. My wife might "lose it" in a big way; and get primary custody of the kids (though I would try to get primary custody, or "equally shared" custody); and not be a great parent; and tell them lies about me. That is what I cannot deal with.
Also, she has talked about suicide several times. She cares about the kids, and I don't think she would really kill herself. But if anything was going to get her there, it could be me leaving her.
But if it's her choice to separate, somehow I believe that she will not hate me so deeply, and she will move on more easily, and she will encourage the kids to have a good relationship with me.
(So sometimes I
fantasize about secretly sabotaging our relationship. Being a jerk, and showing her I really never will be a good partner, so that she WILL choose to end it. But I would not actually do such a dishonest thing.)
So I don't even know what else to ask, or what help I need. Any suggestions for my particular situation? I want a good relationship, but there is no reason to ever expect it. I want to do more, to make it better myself, but...can I? Should I be trying?
I didn't plan to make this a "should I stay or should I go?" type of post. But what do I do with these feelings about wanting it to end? What about the kids? Am I doing the right thing, trying to protect them (and my relationship with them) ... or is it better to "rip the Band-Aid off" now, and tell my wife it's over, and make the best of the fallout?
I really appreciate the emotional support, after reading more posts on this forum. Also though, it has not brought me hope for change. I cannot expect her to change -- for now at least, when she doesn't want to. I am doing my best for her, and I receive loads of hostility; anger; and criticism about who I am and how badly I treat her.
