I feel like I'm drowning from my recent EX whom has BPD

[corchamp]

My girlfriend and I have been together for about 6 months (we're both 31.) She is an alcoholic, and has fought pill addiction in the past. She is also a bartender, and is a very promiscuous woman (300+ partners.) However, I've heard from her, and a mutual friend who has known her for years that as she's getting older she's grown weary of the party girl lifestyle, and wants a real relationship and to start to build something. She is tired of where her life is; living paycheck to paycheck with no insurance and no future.

So for the first 3 months of our relationship I let her come to me because I was cautious of her past and I didn't want to just jump in, and the relationship grew slowly, and then started to heat up. It reached the point where she was saying I love you a lot, was very affectionate, and the intimacy was other-worldly. Then at about the 3 month period she went into work one night hammered, and she was fired on the spot.

When she was fired she had exactly $0 to her name, no car, burned all the bridges with her close friends due to her addiction and lying ways, was on the verge of being homeless, and her life was spiraling out of control. This left her with great anxiety and stress. She gained about 30 pounds and her low self confidence and self worth dropped even lower.

As for me I feel my life is in great shape. I have a great job with good income and incredible benefits. My family is pretty tight and we get along well, and I have a good stable of friends. I only drink socially and don't do drugs. So I know that I can be a rock for her in these trying times. Not because I was trying to be a nice guy or win brownie points, but I'd been dating this girl for 3 months and we were building good momentum, and I was really starting to feel for her; so what else was I going to do? She had nothing, and no one, and her family is 1500 miles away.

So I began helping her with rent, groceries, giving her rides as she didn't have a car, and just being there for emotional support. During this 6 week period we really grew close, and she even began talking about living together and having kids together. Eventully she found a job working on cabinets that I drove her to and picked her up from daily. It wasn't ideal, but I was her only option.

She was well on her way to saving up for a car; when suddenly my dad was diagnosed with colon cancer, and started chemo almost immediately. I had to take him to his appointments Monday-Friday and my family couldn't help much, which began adding stress to my life, and I couldn't take her to work now, and she couldn't afford Uber. Soon she lost her new job and she quickly fell back into her hole.

Now I was dealing with the stress of taking care of my father, and her at the same time. She was dealing with the stress of having no money, fighting addiction, and feeling like a loser. This led to a month of fighting every day, sometimes multiple times a day. I would say some truly hurtful things like "your life is trash," or "you're a loser." Not my proudest moment but I've never been so quick to snap and so rude.

We were both dealing with immense amounts of stress, but in this time I was able to get her a bartending job (in hindsight it was probably a mistake to get an alcoholic a bartending job.) And we found her a new place to live within walking distance of her new job.

Eventually all this arguing came to a head and she broke up with me after a fight one night; she told me she felt too much pressure to be responsible. I gave her what she wanted and backed away. Two days later she asked if I wanted to work it out. I told her let's go for dinner and talk. She said she was hurt for how I spoke to her for that month, and she had a barrier up now. I told her I understand, and she didnt deserve that.

We haven't really fought since and I've been working tooth and nail the past month to get back in her good graces. We've been going on fun dates, and enjoying each others company, and I was spending the night often. In this time though shes really been hot and cold. One day she acts like she wants me around forever and says things like "You're so good to me and you've been very patient and thoughtful and I can't tell you how much that means to me." And things like "When I think about a future with you, it makes me feel comfortable and sure. I hope you can feel that." And then the next day she acts like It's a burden that im around and will say things like "we spend too much time together."

So fast forward a few weeks. She's drinking more than ever, hanging out with bad people who are enablers, back to doing muscle relaxers, and is rude and is treating me terribly. She confesses to me one drunken night that she's had herpes for 3 years and we were intimate during an outbreak and I should get tested (I did end up testing positive for HSV-2.) Despite all of this I've been as sweet and supportive as I can be. I tell her I don't want to focus on us anymore, but focus on her and making her feel whole.

The next 5 or 6 days are great. We are going out, and having a lot of fun, and she is really opening up to me and talking about her suicidal thoughts, and how she hates where her life is and wants it to change, and how she wants to get better and she wants a relationship with me but she scared if she lets the barrier down I'll hurt her.

Then we go to trivia and out of left field she says she wants to be friends, and that her last relationship was with her best friend and she wants to get to that point. I told her I'm not there to be her friend and we go back to her place and I'm very calm and nonthreatening, and we continue to talk it out. Suddenly she picks up the phone and calls the police saying I'm threating her and refuse to leave. Which was absurd and I'd never do that, and I just walk out.

So a couple days ago I tell her I want to talk to her about the results of my STD test because she is unaware I've been tested at this point. Her response is that she doesn't care and hopes I have it. She then says she should've never given me another chance 2 months ago, I don't mean anything to her, she hopes only bad things happen to me, I've emotionally drained her, and she said she just wanted to be my friend so I wouldn't be hurt as she backed away.

I told her the only person she's hurting is herself, and she went on a cursing tirade and saying "hahaha explain how that's even possible?" I'm virtually certain she's sleeping with someone(s) and she's been acting like shes really cool lately around her new bar friends and I'm not even worth one second of her time. The only person who was there for her for 3 months, when if weren't who knows where she would be. I've only ever been loving and caring for her outside of those 7 or 8 awful arguements 2 months ago.

I'm feeling lost and my question is this; is this over? Or is this me painted black and is the painting white coming? I blocked her so I won't receive any texts, but I feel like unblocking her. I'm not really sure what to do, but I want to continue with this person. She just needs to get away from the booze and people.

Sorry for the lengthy story. Thank you, any help is much appreciated, and happy holidays

Ty

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[Ozzie101]

Hi corchamp and welcome!

While I'm sorry for what brings you here, you've come to the right place. Relationships involving BPD are bewildering, as you've discovered. One minute, you're king of the world and the next you're pure evil. It's the push/pull dynamic with black/white thinking. And, yes, it's hard to wrap your head around.

I'm sorry for your father's diagnosis and I hope he's doing well. Loved one's health crises really do add to the stress.

A lot of people have been where you are (or are still there).

Is it over? No way to know. It might be. But, then again, this may just be part of her cycle. You'll find some articles here that may help you make sense of things:
https://bpdfamily.com/portfolio-broken
I hope you'll take a look when you have a minute and let us know what you think.

There are things you can do that could improve the situation, but we can address those if/when she returns.

In the meantime, I'd advise you to focus on you. Do things with friends. Engage in hobbies. And really, honestly think about your relationship with her: what you want it to look like and whether or not (realistically) it's possible. She needs to get away from alcohol and bad influences. That won't happen (long-term) unless she sees and admits that those are problems. What do you think the odds are that would happen?

Keep posting!

[corchamp]

Thank you very much for your response in these troubled times. I've read a lot of articles on this site over the last few days, and have read a lot of the message boards and I look forward to participating however I can.

I believe I have some form of codependency which just fuels this fire. The more I hate her, the more I long for her compassion.

Her saying she wishes the worst for me, saying she hopes she gave me herpes (I didn't even get the chance to tell her that she did,) saying she should've never given me a chance 2 months ago is just hurtful. She's never been this evil or ruthless. I've always been kind and supportive outside of those handful of really bad arguments, and according to her I "saved her life" when she had nothing. Now it all means nothing.

It's just hard to decipher if she actually feels this way, is just having an episode, or has another guy shes already seeing and is infatuated with him.

What do you think I could do to improve my situation? Right now I think not talking to her is good.

I want her to seek help from a specialist, and she's spoken in the past about it but has never actually pursued healing herself. Her longest stretch of sobriety is 4 months, and it was a few years ago. Now she starts going "sober" all the time but it never lasts more than a day or two.

Thanks again.

[Ozzie101]

Have you read much about BPD and the facts=feelings phenomenon? If you haven't, roughly stated: BPD is a disorder of the emotions -- an inability to properly regulate emotions. PwBPD also tend to feel their emotions even more strongly than Nons. So, those strong negative emotions are nearly impossible for them to bear. How do they handle it? By lashing out. By twisting the facts to suit how they feel. She gets upset with you for some reason (and pwBPD can be hypersensitive, as you've seen) or feels the need to push you away due to her own feelings of shame, guilt, fear of abandonment, etc. She needs to justify that in her mind. So? She doesn't love you. You don't love her. You've been horrible to her. Never supported her. She's right in what she's feeling. It makes a twisted kind of sense when you think about it.

What do you think I could do to improve my situation? Right now I think not talking to her is good.

I think that is good. And, like I said, focus on taking care of yourself. Do things you enjoy. Hang out with people you like.

You might even consider seeing a therapist. That's something I and a lot of people here have found immensely helpful in sorting through our own thoughts, feelings and issues.

I want her to seek help from a specialist, and she's spoken in the past about it but has never actually pursued healing herself.

Getting a pwBPD to accept help and go into therapy is notoriously difficult and tricky. Ultimately, she has to truly want to change and want to do it for herself. Otherwise, it's not likely to work.

[corchamp]

I've been reading about it frantically the last couple of weeks. Still trying to wrap my head around the concept of it all. I mean a few bad arguments and you shut me out for 2 months? What I've read has been very accurate and there's nothing I've been able to do or say to get her to come around. However there have been those drunken nights, including a few days ago, where she admits she loves and wants to be with me but is scared I'll hurt her again, but then the next day it's like it never happened.

Again, that's the concept I'm trying to wrap my head around. These last 2 months of her not wanting to let me in didn't stop her from using me to take her on 2 vacations, buy her clothes and food and pay for dates and drive her around, so I also feel kind of used.

What sort of therapy did you focus on for yourself if you don't mind me asking?

[Ozzie101]

I say this with love: You can only be used if you allow yourself to be used. She's showing you who she can be. Keep that in mind when she asks for favors or wants things from you.

I'm not in a specific, named sort of therapy, but I found a therapist who specialized in domestic violence (my H was verbally abusive last year) and who also has some experience in dealing with BPD. I would suggest looking for someone who has some experience or training in BPD because you're most likely to get the best help that way. You would have a therapist who will have the best chance of understanding your situation.