Estranged daughter-Any ideas on how to approach the situation?

[Gumnut]

My daughter has not been diagnosed with BPD. I had never heard of it until recently when my counsellor suggested I read about it.
Last year when my husband passed away due to suicide (and on reflection I now wonder if he possibly had undiagnosed BPD) my relationship with my daughter has deteriorated to a point where she now refuses to have a relationship with me. I have not met my granddaughter and not seen my grandson for 11 months. Her husband says she is punishing me, by refusing contact the GC, my other children do not understand why she is behaving this way and nor do I. I have only been able to email her as she as severed all other forms of communication. Her husband says this is normal behaviour for my daughter!  I have emailed her trying to understand and work on a resolution to the situation, if I received a reply from her, she blames me for the cause of her problems and by removing me from her life, her anxiety and migraines have disappeared. The last email mid October she said she is walking away from having a relationship with me as I won’t do what she wants, but it is unclear what I am to do. I have not replied. Any email prior to that was filled with hurt and anger from her. Let’s assume she has some traits of BPD - I suppose, I want to know do I keep reaching out? Knowing I only end up with abuse from her and perpetuating her behaviour. Or do I leave her be? Respect her wishes and hope one day she seeks the help she needs.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Harri]

Hi and welcome.  I am sorry to hear about your husbands suicide.  How are you dealing with things?  It can't be easy and to have your daughter dysregulating like she is just adds to the grief and stress I would imagine. 

We have had several members whose adult children have ended contact either temporarily or for longer periods.  You are not alone in this and we can help support you.  A good place to start is at the top of the board.  There is a thread tacked titled:  How to get the most out of this site and it contains links to some very helpful articles especially for those who are somewhat new to BPD.

I want to know do I keep reaching out? Knowing I only end up with abuse from her and perpetuating her behaviour. Or do I leave her be? Respect her wishes and hope one day she seeks the help she needs.

Usually we recommend respecting the pwBPD (person with BPD) wishes.  Some parents have chosen to occasionally send a post card or email, etc every once in a while.  Nothing heavy, just a 'thinking of you' sort of thing to let their child know they are not forgotten.  You know best how this would go over though.  A lot of times, giving them space to work things out in their mind is best.  Also, if she is still upset, sometimes contact, even the lightest and least 'demanding', can push her away.  Again, you know your child best. 

We can help you as you decide how you want to proceed.   Keep posting and reaching out here.  We get it and can help you. 

Again,

[Gumnut]

Thank you @Harri at the moment my life is a long emotional roller coaster, I am dealing with two types of grief, but with support I am keeping my head above water.

My recent experience indicates contact from me is not going over well at all, as she takes everything out on me. To everyone else she is “fine”. So I have and will continue, not to reach out because at this point in time, it is what would appear to be best thing to do for her.

While reading other posts I was interested to understand that she maybe threatened by my relationship with my grandson and as the birth of her daughter triggered the estrangement this would indicate she is not thinking straight. I cared for my grandson while my daughter worked but had to stop after the death of my husband. I am very close to my grandson but my daughter never really understood why and I didn’t understand why she couldn’t see that we are close and he enjoyed spending time with me.  Sadly I have been told he keeps asking to see me so he is missing out too.

[Blueskyday]

Hi and welcome,
I too am estranged and have an 8yr old Grandchild who I am very bonded too.

I am sorry for the loss of your husband. My brother took his own life and I am a widow..Suicide is a very peculiar grief.
You must be incredibly strong to have found your way here.

You aren't alone anymore.

There comes a time when we stop reaching out . I think you are doing the right thing