How to give ultimatum

[IsolatedinTX]

My wife has undiagnosed BPD.  We've been struggling for over 4 years and she refuses to see a counselor or doctor.  I've been seeing a counselor for over 2 years.  About 40 minutes into our latest session where I recounted all of our recent conflict, my counselor stopped me and said "this only ends two ways: either she is going to kill you (physically) or you will be driven crazy and may do something stupid." He said that she is not able to control her rage.  He said the only way the marriage can continue is that she immediately accepts responsibility and seeks DBT counseling.  I have decided that when I get back home from work, 2 days after Christmas, I will give her an ultimatum.

My question is how I can best deliver this?

I plan on telling her the following:  "The only condition that we continue in a marriage is that you accept your condition with having borderline personality disorder and that you go to a counselor who is experienced in treating this with DBT on a weekly basis.  Furthermore, you must join a BPD support group in our area and attend whenever they meet.  If you do not choose this option, then I will be calling a divorce attorney immediately."

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rev]

My question is how I can best deliver this?

Do you have children together?

This is really tough one - most advice suggests not mentioning BPD in anything.  If you don't have children together - then do as you wish - you sound totally decided and ready for any decision she takes.

If you do have chidren, you might want to go softer than an ultimatitum and have a plan B where you choose to leave on your own.

So sorry to hear you are going through this. It is so hard to get your head around that someone could be so hard to settle down. 

Good luck.

Rev

[IsolatedinTX]

We have no children.  I believe the reason I have been very patient is that I was raised to believe that marriage is for a lifetime...just because you have problems doesn't mean that you take the easy way out.

My recent resolve is due to the fact that this is now the 2nd counselor that I have spoken to that has warned me that I may be in physical danger based on what I've told him of her irrational rage episodes.  The 1st counselor who warned me of this was the 1st of 2 marriage counselors that my W and I saw (she fired both of them).

[2Loyal2Long]

This site has an article that may be insightful on do’s and don’t’s.  I hope this helps.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy

[Ozzie101]

Hi, Isolated!

Rev is right. We generally do not recommend bringing up BPD to our loved ones. It rarely (if ever) goes well or is well-received. Have any therapists ever told her of their suspicions?

Ultimatums, in my experience, don't work (and not just with BPD -- I tend to not like ultimatums in general). Either the person will balk (sometimes violently) or they will give in. But it's not a "giving in" that will be productive long-term.

One thing my therapist told me when I was struggling with my H, before he got help: "He has to want to do it. Not for you. Not for your relationship. For himself. That's the only way it will really work." That requires a level of self-awareness and emotional maturity not often found in pwBPD.

So, from what I understand, if your wife does agree to DBT solely because she's desperate to keep you around, the chances of it actually working and her sticking with it past the crisis are slim.

I'm not trying to be defeatist. Just realistic.

If you do choose to deliver the ultimatum, I would urge you to read up on communication techniques like DEARMAN, which can be very useful in talking to pwBPD:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=160566.0

The fact that your counselors have been concerned for your physical safety is a big one and one that calls for careful approach and planning.

Without knowing details of your relationship, I'm worried that if you bluntly tell her you're leaving or deliver your ultimatum, it may trigger a rage episode -- one that could be dangerous for one or both of you.

We have a Safety Plan here that I hope you'll look at. It's long, but there's some very valuable information there that can help you manage this in a way that protects you:
https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf

Telling her in a public place, or with a trusted friend present or with some kind of pre-arranged "safe word text" agreement with a friend or family member might be advisable.

I've thrown a lot at you but I hope you'll take a look. What do you think?

[IsolatedinTX]

I agree that the ultimatum is not likely to bring optimum results; however,  I'm trying to balance two values.
1. To do everything I can to save the marriage...this means to get her into counseling.
2.  Protect myself physically...which means I need an answer immediately...I can no longer take the long term soft approach as I she has gotten increasingly more demanding and is constantly blaming me and isolating me.

I feel the only way I can satisfy these is to give her the ultimatum.

She indicated to me that the last therapist she saw indicated that she might have a personality disorder.  At that time I just nodded my head and listened.

[Ozzie101]

I understand where you're coming from. Believe me. I've been there.

Knowing her, how do you think she'll respond to the ultimatum?