I love my mother but my she's a handful

[Sweet Lemon]

Hi everyone, I'm new to this forum and world that is BDP. I think my mom has ut. Of course I can't be certain without a medical professional so I will just tell you how I got here. A few monthes ago I was in a bookstore. I skimmed different titles and stumbled across a book called "I hate you, don't leave me" it was next to a book about walking in eggshells and in my mind I thought now funny.. that's something my mom would say (I'm in my early  twenties and she's in her early fifties). Anyways, I pick up the book in curiosity and find out it's about BDP. The more I read the more it fit exactly who my mom was and how she acted. This week I am home for the holidays and am reminded of how difficult it can be to live with her. I suppose I wanted to see what this forum was about and especially if anyone had advice on managing a relationship with an old world parent. Thank you.

[zachira]

You are home for the holidays and wondering about how to manage a mother you think may have BPD. I was raised by a mother with BPD, and have siblings and other relatives with BPD. You are taking the first steps in managing the relationship with your mother by learning about BPD and posting on this site. We have many members who started out asking questions similar to yours who have found ways to manage their relationship with a difficult parent. On this site we learn from each other, and we have many members who have posted here for years while learning how to deal with family members with BPD, and many have become mentors to those who are figuring out how to manage a relationship with a family member with BPD. Would you mind sharing with us what makes you think your mother has BPD and what does she do that bothers you the most?  We are here to support you and listen to your concerns. Do keep us posted on how you are doing.

[Sweet Lemon]

Thank you for your warm welcome and very kind words. I suppose the two things that beat me down quickly when I'm home are these.

1. When my mom asks you to do something it's with incessant repitition and when you answer, it's rare that she digests your response and rather she asks again until your answer is the one she wants. Which may not seem like a lot but it can be exhausting especially in conjunction with number 2.

2. If she's feeling off in any kind of way, rather than sharing how she's feeling in a productive way, whatever conversation we have escalates to unreasonable proportions. It's difficult to navigate because if feeling under attack she can get rather manipulative about it and I the first place I'm left confused as to when this spun out if hand and how. When I say manipulative I mean she likes to play the winning side and will say anything she feels will get her there regardless of how she really feels.

Or maybe she does really feel one way and feels the opposite way another time but it definetly adds to the confusion. For example, my father currently lives in Italy. One day I asked her if she'd ever consider living there too, her immediate response was to to become defensive and accuse me of trying to make her do something she doesn't want to do, told me she hates the culture, and that people are two emotional. Fast forward a week and someone asks her a similar question, to this she replies smiling that she's always loved Italy and has always felt culturally close to their people.

There is actually a 3rd item that bothers me along the same vein. She can be very quick to change her attitude. By now my family is used to it but this used to tremendously frusterate my father and myself. She will be all smiles and gratitude one minute and scolding the next then perhaps play like a child all one after another. I don't think it's her fault it seems like when it happens her mind is on shuffle but it can still be exhausting in between or along with the other two
Items.

I try to give myself breathing space but boundaries can be hard to set. She sometimes accepts criticism very well but other times feels as though I'm acting disrespectfully and comes back with something like "I am the parent, you are the child".

Okay I was just going to leave it there but I'm on a bit of a venting roll now so I'll do one more. Fortunately this hasn't happened lately but did very much when she wasn't working. She has a habit of unloading her feelings emotionally without warning. She would say she was depressed and guilt us into listening right then and there. If I were to suggest we talk about it another time she might say that I don't care about her and want her to suffer. But when we did talk about it she could never take responsibility for her emotions, always finding someone or thing to blame even the listener sometimes. Which makes it difficult to try and help.

Okay *phew* I think I'm done. I thank you very much for your time if you get to the end of this.

[Methuen]

Hi Sweet Lemon

She has a habit of unloading her feelings emotionally without warning. She would say she was depressed and guilt us into listening right then and there. If I were to suggest we talk about it another time she might say that I don't care about her and want her to suffer. But when we did talk about it she could never take responsibility for her emotions, always finding someone or thing to blame even the listener sometimes.

Sounds familiar!  It can get quite nasty sometimes, can't it?

Okay *phew* I think I'm done.

   

I'm glad putting it on paper and sharing it brings a little relief.

You are doing great by reading about BPD.  There are many good books and resources that are helpful, including this site.  For me, an important first step was realizing that I was the one that needed to learn and change, because my mom wasn't going to.  After that, it has been baby steps towards learning how to navigate a difficult situation with less conflict and negativity, as well as how to manage myself when her rages inevitably happen.

Welcome!