Should I send this apologetic letter to my ex with BPD?

[ThisIsMyTruthTellMeYours]

Hello,

This is my first post on the forum since my ex-girlfriend broke up with me (after five months) during early November. The experience has left me decimated and utterly distraught that I have lost my best friend with whom I had such a joyous vision of the future.

For context I will describe events leading up to the split. This was a long distance relationship across a certain two countries in the British Isles and so, going into November, I had been living with her and using my time to look for jobs.

On the last night I was with her, as we lay in bed, she asked me why I seemed a little down. I replied by saying I sensed she wasn't feeling like her normal self, trying to show some concern for her (she had been away for the week and since returning seemed tired and despondent). She reacted by stating this was only for a couple of days, with which I agreed. I then said that I had not spent much time with her over the past week, merely trying to say that i'd missed her before I was due to leave the next day. She however interpreted this in an entirely unexpected way, calmly accusing me of saying a 'PLEASE READty thing' and being ungrateful for everything she provided for me. I was totally taken aback by this twisting of my own vulnerability, not intended as a personal attack, into something spiteful.

I pleaded with her to recognise that I did not mean any malice as she imagined it but it was clear her feelings were out of control as she met my saddened gestures with silence. Nonetheless I apologised and said goodnight, my own mind frantically searching for answers and not really comprehending what I had done wrong. This worry was only exacerbated by her leaving to sleep on the sofa some 20 minutes later. Assuming she was enraged at me, I prevented myself from approaching her and thought she would need space for a while (just as on the previous couple of occasions she felt triggered).

I should also explain that the first time she mentioned BPD potentially being a problem for her was only a few days before this incident. She was talking of a new plan to see a therapist twice a week and was complaining of feeling uncertain about her identity. By the time of the incident I had only just begun to construct any idea of what BPD actually entailed and certainly couldn't connect it to her sensitivity.

After I went home she said that she needed to some time to herself for a few days and I obliged. Three days later she messaged me saying that she doesn't feel able to be in a relationship at the moment as she feels 'unable to have conversations', that therapy had changed her perspective on things and that she wishes it could continue but she needs to focus on herself. She was keen for me to believe it wasn't my fault and dismissed my presumption that the above incident had any bearing on her feelings. I talk to her later and explain that her mental health doesn't affect the love I have for her and that whatever conditions she needs me to fulfill in order to support her I will gladly provide, but she is adamant recovering may take a while and me being so closely connected to her for perhaps up to a year would not be fair on me. We resolve to keep in touch.


Though I began to be crippled by self-doubt, suspecting that I had somehow made a big mistake to alienate her; what confirmed the veracity of her perspective was that she called me the next day, utterly devastated at feeling alone and then continued to message me over the following week viciously blaming herself for what happened. She would ask if my family hated her and berated herself for being 'a heartbreaker' by 'messing things up' and hurting me. I told her that my feelings for her hadn't changed and that her feelings were just a consequence of her being in a bad place. She called me the week after this to have a general chat and I assured her at the end that even though I was focusing on my own life to give her space, she is welcome to give us another go if she ever feels healthy enough to. I reiterated my boundaries again days later when she reassured me that nothing was my fault and that her negative frame of mind had been intensifying for a while prior to us splitting. Again I said that am just a phone call away if she needed support for anything, that I don't judge her for bravely wanting to confront her problems head on and that the door is open for her should she ever want to return. She still reaches out to me to ask how i'm doing and recently thanked me for the Christmas card I sent her.


The prospect of reuniting she has not directly addressed (aside from vaguely thanking me for all my assurances) but I assume if she was opposed to it she would have voiced that concern by now (her obviously avoiding sending back my camera/clothes after promising to do so may be further evidence of this). I still love her so much, she is the best person I have ever met and I try my best to show her unconditional support if and when she approaches me so that I don't smother her.

Lastly I want to say that I have been consumed by anxiety lately as the more I research BPD, the more I recognise how her few unpredictable reactions to things I commented on are explained by her torturous fear of rejection. Though she insists that nothing was my fault I feel a torturous pain that I couldn't assuage her fears and reassure herthat I wasn't abandoning her because I didn't understand the dynamics of BPD at the time. I desperately want to apologise for this but am worried how this might conflict with the space I know she needs to heal. Hence I have written a letter to contain all my thoughts but I am not sure whether to send it.

Here it is:

Dear R,

I write to you today with a dismayed heart and enlightened mind, dismayed because I feel I owe you a humble apology, yet enlightened for I have emerged from a painful period of soul searching with great clarity surrounding the dynamics of our relationship.

I recall that in the week before we split you referred to the possibility of suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder (forgive me if this wasn’t a diagnosis). In recent weeks I have devoted much time to conducting thorough research of the condition in an effort, admittedly too late, to understand it better so that I may be equipped with the knowledge to help you in future. Briefly I must say that I feel immensely ashamed of my hesitant response to your revealing this fact, wishing now I had reassured you that my feelings for you remained undisturbed and that I had asked what support you required of me going forward. Truthfully, I too felt rather vulnerable at this time and this served to muffle my sentiment.

Aware of how intensely you berated yourself for what happened, perhaps seeing a depressive episode crafting a deep scepticism of your capacity to be loved, or maybe acting in the name of self-preservation, I feel obliged to explain my own faults so that some self-compassion may be restored to you.

My newfound understanding of BPD is of a condition fixated on the issues of abandonment, fear of rejection and often unconscious, impulsive reactions to imagined threats. These reactions reveal a hyper-vigilance for the appearance of anything that might resemble the various traumas that hurt an afflicted person from young age. Frankly, given the harrowing nature of many experiences you relayed to me, it is no surprise that your psychology may have been altered in this way, an exaggerated fear shielding you from terror. From what I have read, I think BPD is entirely misunderstood, with sufferers being seen as ‘crazy’ to the extent of being deliberately malicious and those who have been wounded by its fallout railing viciously against maltreatment without any consideration of the unconscionable agony that causes it. This is an extremely damaging misconception that I assure you I do not hold.

There are two main aspects of our relationship that BPD explains, the first being the intensity/pace and the second being the few, sporadic moments of volatility that occurred between us. Generically the sufferer experiences a rapid idealisation of the partner that is eroded over time, flaws are recognised, and the disappointment felt is out of all proportion to the imperfection seen. In this way minor mistakes made by most are misinterpreted and used as evidence that a partner is now totally irredeemable, perhaps permanently. There is no grey area. Coping with these cycles defines the relationship. I’m sure you know all of this through the treatment you are undergoing (super proud of you for this) and don’t wish to describe events specific to us in too much detail lest that feel like an accusation.

I have accepted that I sometimes acted, though I meant well, as a co-dependent which probably amplified the symptoms of a dynamic that I was completely unaware of. In my caretaking of your every need I was carried away by unbridled infatuation and your openness and vulnerability, the passion and doubtless sincerity of which I found invigorating in my own yearning for love. The crucial error I made here was to see none of this as abnormal, my low self esteem and desire to avoid conflict led to me establishing poor boundaries that may not have led to the sense of safety you coveted. At times I loved being your sole source of support but can see how that wasn’t healthy to maintain.

I placated, accommodated and apologised when I unwillingly released a trigger upon you in order to maintain harmony because I viewed each incident in isolation and genuinely believed I was helping you. Most shamefully of all, especially on the last night I saw you, I failed to see that your responses were borne of an anguish that I was rejecting you and I failed to reassure you that you would always be safe with me. Instead I became defensive, my usual empathy confused and startled at how anxiety about myself and missing you could cause such pain, then crumbling as I was oblivious of the traumas at play. Though you have dismissed the importance of this, I am deeply remorseful that I couldn’t assuage your insecurities because I simply didn’t understand the complexity of what tortures you daily. Had I more time I would have committed all my energy to learning how to manage your symptoms and how to set reasonable boundaries for the benefit of your own self-improvement. I would have learned to be more assertive, calming you and taking control in ways I did when I felt more stable and truly becoming the steady force you always wanted me to be. I think we both can agree that we both had the ability to be supportive and honestly talk about difficult feelings, but our own individual frames of mind thwarted us ultimately.

I want you to know that I could not possibly deride you for your condition, I realise that what you suffer with is ultimately a product of a cycle of misguided emotions, distancing and hurt across many generations. The growth of such mournful sorrow can only be extinguished by caring people who wield compassion as a weapon even against the most hostile of environments. I am reminded of what the character of Elliot (himself a reclusive person with chronic mental issues) says in season 4 of Mr Robot upon meeting his nemesis who is hell bent on world domination:

‘Society deserves to be hated for everything you said they did, PLEASE READ every last one of them. But then there are some people out there, and it doesn’t happen a lot. But they refuse to let you hate them. They care about you in spite of it. The special ones, they’re relentless at it. Doesn’t matter what you do to them, they take it and care about you anyway, they don’t abandon you no matter how many reasons you give them. No matter how much you’re begging them to leave. Because they feel something for me that I can’t… they love me.

And for all the pain I’ve been through, that heals me, maybe not instantly, but it heals me. We hurt each other and it gets messy, that’s just us. Yet we stand, we break but we keep going. That’s what makes us.’

When I listened to this a few days ago I was overwhelmed with emotion because it conveys my world view and reminds me of the love I tried to show you despite your myriad traumas and tender anguish. My love for you was truly unconditional and your pain doesn’t detract from the fact that I saw and still see what a beautiful, curious, inspired, playful, inquisitive and intelligent person you are. A person beyond compare with whom I revelled in such an astounding commonality of interests, thoughts and means of fulfilment. One of those exceedingly rare individuals with the perfect antidote for the malaise generated by feeling different, with whom I shared countless meaningful and stimulating conversations that restored my faith in people. Someone with whom I had found a tribe.

It’s clear I need to work on myself in some respects and you are on your own eminently sensible journey which I can’t begrudge, but while we both do our waiting for Godot, don’t think I have forgotten about you, no matter how much space grows between us. I apologise for unintentionally hurting you and for not doing enough to stem your fears. Whatever form our relationship takes in future, when we’re both in a better place, I promise you can always count on me as your loyal friend and I will always do my best to honour the faith you put in me.

What encourages me to send it is the thought that she has demonstrated a degree of self-awareness, has not sought to denigrate me in any way and in fact has shown immense concern for my well-being in the aftermath of our split, something that contradicts much of what I have read on forums such as this. I believe that because of this she deserves a second chance if she pursues it in future. At the very least I want to remain on amicable terms with her and see this as a good way to tie up some loose ends while nullifying my fear that her denial of me causing all this is borne from not feeling comfortable discussing her condition.

Conversely I am wary of how this could constitute another trigger or cause her to further distance herself due to some paradoxical fear of someone showing genuine care and empathy. Above all I want her to know that I understand her better now and don't harbour any prejudice as a result.

What should I do?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Ozzie101]

Hi kisaacs68! Welcome!

It's obvious you've done a lot of reading about BPD. That's great! As you've discovered, the more you learn, the more oddities about our relationships become more understandable.

You've put a lot of thought and feeling into your letter, which shows.

That said, if I were you, I would not send it.

While it's well-meant, I think that, yes, there is a good chance it may not be received in the way you hope.

There's a lot of explaining in your letter. Explaining is the E in JADE -- a communication technique that rarely goes well with pwBPD. Also, some assumptions about what she's thinking and feeling and what's behind her actions. While you may easily be right, you might not be. Or, she may feel you aren't correct (whether you actually are or not) or feel shame, which could trigger defensiveness.

You've done the right things. You've been honest and open and understanding. You've told her the door is open for her. You've respected her needs.

Keep that up.

If she's going into therapy, that's an excellent sign. And it sounds like she's being honest with you about her needs to focus on therapy and herself (VERY good things, if it's true).

Listen to her.

You seem to feel a lot of guilt. I understand that, believe me. But you didn't know what you were dealing with. Your mistakes were honest ones. You'll find that probably every person here has done the same thing.

Honestly, and I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but reaching out and sharing your guilt with her is, in a way, trying to make her responsible for assuaging your guilt and making you feel better. I know that's not what you mean to do, but it's how it could be interpreted and that's not really advisable at any time, but especially not when she's in such a vulnerable transition phase. Instead, take care of your own feelings. See a therapist for yourself if that helps. Spend time doing things you enjoy and with people you enjoy.

If you continue to demonstrate loving strength and acceptance (and demonstrating those things in real life sends a message FAR stronger than a letter does), then she may see you as the rock she can come to when she's ready for a relationship.

Again, I can tell what a thoughtful, loving, caring person you are. I understand your desire to reach out and let her know all these things. But that may be better conveyed in other ways.

What do you think?

[audiogirl]

I agree with Ozzie. You have done a wonderful job communicating your support to her. I would leave it at that. Writing your letter may have helped you sort out your thoughts and feelings, and it was great of you to share it here, where it can be heard by others who understand. But I would not send it to her.

[SinisterComplex]

Do not send the letter. The letter was more for you than anything else and I think you accomplished an important task...you put words to paper and you can look it over and reflect and essentially teach yourself from it. Getting your thoughts out of your head is vital to healing. I think you have done more than enough to show support.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[ThisIsMyTruthTellMeYours]

Thanks for the replies guys.

All of you provide quite compelling justification for not sending it, I agree there are simply too many risks, as well meaning as it may be. Thanks Ozzie especially for putting some much needed substance on my instinctive fears about it, I am grateful for everything I learn about this illness, no matter how much it may mortify me sometimes.

I do need to stop worrying about whether she is getting the help she needs, all the evidence I have suggests she is. Re reading her messages from the day we split does seem to indicate that she experienced some grand epiphany about why she behaves the ways he does. I suspect that our disagreement may have confirmed the need for treatment in her mind, even if she couldn't quite articulate that at the time.

What Ozzie has said regarding guilt really resonates with me. It's the primary source of my own instability after this breakup and I really needed to express those fears in some way to begin overpowering them. When I asked her whether it was primarily because of something I did or genuinely her own health, I worry that was almost forcing her to say something to make me feel better about myself (as Ozzie says), without ever admitting i'm partly responsible. That said, the ensuing conversation was quite productive and allowed me to be understanding and non-judgmental while not subject to the fragility of the immediate aftermath.

I know i'm being harsh on myself and this is something i'm discussing in therapy, in some way it was inevitable that this obstacle appeared. It's hard to demonstrate my acceptance over long distance but I must possess the patience to simply be there for her whenever she wants me, that's all I can do.

Still not sure how to approach the matter of my belongings in her house, if it wasn't for my DSLR camera I wouldn't be too bothered, and I know she's aware of it because she popped up apologising for the delay weeks ago. I'll wait for the new year to pass before deciding anything on that.

I hope this all works out in the end, our relationship is not the sort of thing that should be scuppered by the tragic deceit of mental illness.

Bless you all for your replies and sympathy, forums such as this one have been instrumental in me making sense of all the emotional carnage post-breakup, especially when my poor befuddled parents have no points of reference for this kind of thing!

May you all get the peace you deserve.

[Ozzie101]

That's what we're here for. To support each other and to talk things through with others so we can make sense of things or avoid mistakes.

Do you anticipate any push-back or triggering regarding your belongings?

I'm a queen of being hard on yourself and it's something I'm working on. It doesn't really serve any positive purpose, does it? All we can do is learn and move on.

You can do it. BPD can be so bewildering. But we're here to help you sort through all the baggage.

[ThisIsMyTruthTellMeYours]

The likelihood of push back depends entirely on the reason for her delaying the return of those items, which is itself impossible to know without a casual question risking triggering something.

It could be anything from the innocence of simply forgetting to a deliberate avoidance of the action because it may represent some finality in letting go for her. That's possible considering how much sentimental value we both have attached to that camera. Perhaps she's hoping to use it as an excuse to lure me over there, I honestly have no idea, though I'm certain it's not malicious. I just hope she raises the matter first so I can assure her it doesn't have to mean the end of anything.

As with all things being critical of oneself is acceptable when used in balance and moderation. Negative ruminations are my downfall, not ideal when someone else is relying on you for validation is it.

Thanks, I'll keep you guys updated.

 

[Ozzie101]

Careful communication can make a big difference when approaching touchy subjects. Have you read much about DEARMAN? It's a communication technique that might be helpful to you here.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=160566.0

What about saying something to her, casually, like, "Hey, I'm going to do XYZ and would really like to use the camera. Can we work out some way I can get it from you?" Then gauge her reaction. That might tell you what the reasoning is behind her hesitation in sending it. This is if she doesn't bring it up or send it to you before you actually do need it.