Feeling exhausted and worry I am beyond help

[safeplace]

First off, thank you for this board and for anyone who takes the time to read this. I appreciate it all.

I am three years into my "recovery" and for me that means one year of Codependents Anonymous and two years of Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families. I am beyond grateful every single day for how far I have come from where I was. The past three years have been full of unbelievable clarity, hope, and movement forward.  In the past two years it has become very clear to me that my mother has BPD. She is undiagnosed "nothing is wrong with her" of course, but even my counselor agrees.

I am 45 years old and I live with my parents.  It's so hard to admit this.  Once I lived on my own, I even got a college degree and worked as a nurse for a while. I went through a broken engagement and after that, I fell apart and my lifelong anxiety got worse and worse until I stopped driving and totally isolated. I'm happy to say that with CODA and ACA, the realization that I am not crazy, and TONS of work with my inner child, EFT, self help books, that is improving for me.

I'm trying to keep this short, but I don't know if it's the holidays or what...I know that going through recovery you start to feel your emotions again just like an addict does when they become sober. Today has been miserable. Things happened with my mother and I am left feeling exhausted and confused as usual. I read How To Stop Caretaking The Borderline Narcissist (and get on with your life) last week and it has really stirred things up for me. I have been trying to believe I can ask for my needs, have needs, get needs met without fearing abandonment at the end of it. Now I can see that a lot of my anxiety is related to a deep seated fear of abandonment if I attempt to fill my needs. It's heartbreaking and exhausting to see how my mother's BPD has robbed me of things normal people can do. I struggle to understand what I need, how I feel, what I want in life. I know I've made a lot of progress but there is a fear inside of me that this is as far as I can get, and a lifetime of being enmeshed with a BPD mother has messed my thinking up so much that I will never be able to get back on my own two feet. Feel defeated and frustrated three years into this. It's so hard to explain to people on the outside. They would just up and leave, but it's a struggle when you are trying to believe in, and trust yourself for the first time. I feel  like there is a big tangle in my head that I am having to unravel string by string. Sometimes I feel like I'm never going to figure it out. Thanks for listening to me.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome.

I am sorry for what brings you here but I am happy you are reaching out for support.  That takes a lot of courage and determination. 

We have members who live with their BPD parent.  We also have members, like me, who lived in the family home until they were much older.  We get it.  You are not alone.   I too isolated as I tried to keep my lives very separate.  I had my family life and my work and social life.  It was hard and exhausting to keep the two separate. 

Do you want to talk about what happened today?

I have been trying to believe I can ask for my needs, have needs, get needs met without fearing abandonment at the end of it. Now I can see that a lot of my anxiety is related to a deep seated fear of abandonment if I attempt to fill my needs. It's heartbreaking and exhausting to see how my mother's BPD has robbed me of things normal people can do. I struggle to understand what I need, how I feel, what I want in life. I know I've made a lot of progress but there is a fear inside of me that this is as far as I can get, and a lifetime of being enmeshed with a BPD mother has messed my thinking up so much that I will never be able to get back on my own two feet. Feel defeated and frustrated three years into this. It's so hard to explain to people on the outside. They would just up and leave, but it's a struggle when you are trying to believe in, and trust yourself for the first time. I feel  like there is a big tangle in my head that I am having to unravel string by string. Sometimes I feel like I'm never going to figure it out. Thanks for listening to me.

I can relate to a lot of what you describe here.  You can change this.  There is hope.  You can break through that fear of abandonment and you can move further along in your recovery.  It is hard and it hurts and it can feel awful at times.  It can be done though.  You are already doing it. 

Again, I am glad you posted.  You are in a safe place where you can work on things and get support as you work through these fears and changing your thoughts as you gain new perspectives.

Again, I am glad you found us. 

[Methuen]

I know I've made a lot of progress but there is a fear inside of me that this is as far as I can get, and a lifetime of being enmeshed with a BPD mother has messed my thinking up so much that I will never be able to get back on my own two feet.

Fear is a monster.  It can reduce me to a puddle of anxiety.  But I never realize that in the moment.  I can only see it after the crisis, and once I am centered again.

I wonder if the energy going into that "fear", can instead be channeled into motivation to keep moving forward... After considering the progress you've made the last 3 years, imagine instead what the next 3 could bring
 

[safeplace]

Thank you both for hearing me and replying. I am feeling a lot brighter after the holidays. Still trudging forward with recovery!