fawn
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Estranged
Posts: 5
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« on: December 26, 2019, 02:29:32 AM » |
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I have been in a LDR for 3 years. He is 51M and I am 42F. He was previously diagnosed as Bi-polar, which we both believe is a misdiagnosis as he does not have mania episodes. He stopped going to therapy as he said the meds were dulling him. I had previously shown him information on BPD and he did acknowledge and identify that it was similar to what he experiences. But he has not got an official diagnosis and is resistant to seeing someone about it.
About 1.5 years ago my partner broke up with me as we were having a lot of arguments. I did NC but he would text or video call me, starting from a frequency of about once a week, then it gradually increased till he was video calling me daily and after about 5 months after the break up, he asked me if I would make a trip to go see him. He lives alone, while I live with my family. Prior to the break up we took turns flying to each other's country and stay for periods between 3 weeks to 6 weeks. Even though it was a LDR, we spent about probably 60% of the time together as we both have location independent jobs. When we were apart, we would be on video calls almost daily.
So I flew over 5 months after the break up, that was Nov 2019. And for the past year, the relationship was good, at least to me. We travelled together, had road trips. He even suggested that I apply for a permanent visa that would allow me to stay in his country a few months ago. I was considering it. I was in his country Sept to Oct 2019, we celebrated my birthday, his birthday and our 3rd anniversary in that period of time. Everything was going so well, then I flew back home. For one week everything was normal, we still had video calls. we had just started a side hustle reselling bicycles. After I left he told me that the side hustle was overwhelming. I told him to take a break from it if he was tired. My tourist visa to his country had expired and I asked him if I should apply for the permanent visa. And that was when everything went south. He went missing for a week. I left him alone, as he always makes a huge deal of needing space and I thought he needed some alone time to recharge. He resurfaced a week later, and told me he can't keep doing this, he is not happy and it is making me unhappy. I was totally blindsided. He told me he needs space and resents me for not giving it to him, which was untrue. A few months into the relationship, we had frequent arguments about this "space" issue that I became very conscious of it. When I am at his place, we both work from home so he feels like we are together 24/7 and that triggers him. Even if he works from a room, and I work somewhere else in the house. It is almost like he feels territorial about his home and often it feels like I am intruding.
Very early on in the relationship, I already had noticed that he had issues voicing out his needs. He told me that growing up, his dad would frequently yell at him if he voiced out that he needed something. He is very afraid and hyper sensitive of any conflict, real or perceived. As a baby, he told me he always felt neglected as his younger sister was born only a year after he was work, and his mother found it hard to attend to him (his mum has a total of 4 children, my partner is the 3rd child). He claims his parents had the perfect relationship, never argued. I am not sure how true that is. His 2 sisters are also disordered and have very chaotic lives.
So it has been about 7 weeks since he told me that he isn't happy. I tried to communicate but got stonewalled. During the previous breakup, he would do things like block me so that I could not text or call him. This round, I did not do much pulling, after he started pushing me away. Previously he would do things like not answer calls or texts. He will answer my video calls or texts, but I have to keep the conversation light or it will cause him to withdraw again. I have tried to ask him if this is the end of the road, but he would not give me a direct answer. Initially he told me he would mail my stuff back to me, but then changed his mind. Also told me I cannot go and get my stuff. I could tell then I was again split black. As he tried to tell me my "faults". I asked him if it was easier to put the blame on me, he told me yes. I asked him if he was aware he was going the pushing again, he said maybe.
It seems contradictory at times. As it seems like he experiences engulfment when I am there. But I also feel that there are mixed feelings of resentment and relief every time I leave. He told me once, that every time he drops me off at the airport and drives off, he cries. Then a few weeks ago, he told me when I am there it gets very overwhelming for him, that I am needy ( which I don't think I am). I am just a very open and affectionate person, which I think triggers the feeling of engulfment. And that after every time I leave, He takes a few weeks to recover from the intensity.
He is not seeing anyone for his condition. He has really bad self esteem and does a lot of negative self talk. He would always say he doesn't deserve anything good. That all he wants is for me to be happy but he feels like he cannot do it. Often he reads a lot into my facial expressions and if I ever do a frown, he would feel like something bad is going to happen. Or he would read situations wrong and assume that I am unhappy when I am happy. Like during once call when he told me that I was unhappy, I asked him to think back the past year, where we had a lot of good memories, then he came to the conclusion that I was happy 95% of the time.
I video called him last night after 2 weeks of NC as I was also taking a break for my own mental health. We chatted for about half an hour. It feels like we are in limbo now and that he isolating himself to protect himself. It also feels like he has made the decision to leave, but is unsure? He views all of my Instagram stories, liked some of my fb/ig posts, left a comment telling me that one story I posted was cute yesterday.
Today he told me he is F*cked in the head, but when I asked him if he would see sometime for it, he told me no. One thing that he always projected on me was that I didn't care for him mental health. There has been a lot of blaming and projection and it wears me down.
When he is not having these episodes, he can be the kind and loving. Then it is like this internal rage just flips the switch when triggered. And often he identifies me as the trigger and distances away. I know that without treatment it is going to be difficult. Long distance also makes it a lot harder. Going by past patterns/cycles, it is most likely he will paint me white again, but then who knows when the next black splitting is going to occur.
I don't think his friends know the extent of his damage. His Best Friend seems to see it as just depression and they kind of enable him when he shows that he is down. During our last breakup, he told me his best friend's husband told him to just leave and find someone better. Today he is headed to his friend's place for Boxing Day drinks and staying over after, as they live a 1.5 hour drive away from his home.
I am not sure if I should just do NC or try to be supportive. During our last breakup, NC actually worked but it took 5 months in total to get everything back on track. Does NC actually validate their low self esteem and negative self talk and cause more resentment towards me?
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