Why do I still miss her?

[Yoke]

Hi. Now it has been over 7 months since my ex walked away, brokeup our engagement and left me with a textmessage of rage.. They say time heals your wounds... but does it? I think that you will always have the wounds but you learn to live with it. The pain, loss of a person you loved. And when a loved one disappear without an explanation, no closure.. it is like you grief someone who has died.. or even worse. So why am I still missing my ex so damn much? It is always worse during holidays? Now it is Christmas time.. and soon New Years Eve.. Is that a trigger? I am still in theraphy and it has helped and changed me a lot. Am not that person who first stepped in there in May...Am different. I have gone deep and faced my fears from childhood until now. I have talked about it, tried and understand now and have dealed with myself and my wounds and pain from the past... I have moved on. But her.. I can't let go of.

On Christmas Eve, i saw a pic on her on social media. She was working Christmas Eve. And that made me both sad and confused..why? Because she loves Christmas Eve. To decorate, prepare food and christmas tree. And she has a daughter. Last year I got a surgery during christmas and was in pain all the christmasdays so we did not celebrate it, and some day before christmas she brokeup with me ( one of many times)  so on Christmas Eve we did not see eachother. When we got together again few days later, she told me that she was so sad we had a fight, so she couldnt spend Christmas Eve with her daughter because she cried so much... So why did she not spend and Celebrate this Christmas Eve with her daughter? And her new Boyfriend ? ( if she has one) at least with her daughter. It makes me sad that she had to work.
I really don't know if i can deal with and win over this pain and sorrow i feel. Ever. I dont want to live without love, to be loved and give love! Who wants that? And whats the point to live then? None... I am devestated because i do still miss  her like it was yesteeday. I do still love her as much even if she treated and hurt me like hell. For me, that is a proof it IS true love. Deep love. Real love. So why does God made me feel like this when its useless?... I have decided that i will not bare feel like this all my life. I will give it a time. Otherwise i will not continue my life.. its too painful. / Yoke..

[SinisterComplex]

Well, there are a lot of resources here on this board. There are lot of us who have similar stories. You have to discern what reality is for you. Personally, I will tell you what you feel is most likely not at all true love, but instead a love by design. You were hurt by design to. They do this crap on purpose because pain leaves the biggest mark. You will ruminate over them and they know it too. So while you want to believe it is real love...on your side it may be, but on the other side...no. That person is incapable of grasping that feeling and understanding the depth, gravity, and magnitude that comes with it.

Honestly Yoke, probably don't really miss her. What you miss is the feeling you had while with her. So focus on the feeling, not the person. You want to feel that feeling again. You will. You have the capacity for it. However, you do not want the person again...NO! Do not fool yourself into bleeding the 2 concepts together.

So its like this...I loved my ex wife. There are ex girlfriends I loved. However, I do not want any of them back. Does that mean I didn't feel real deep true love? Of course not. I did. However, the pain accompanied by it is what makes it easier for me to let go. If someone loved me back in return how they were supposed to and realized the amazing person they had on their side they would not take it for granted and they would not throw it away. Remember this.

How you feel and felt is real. But there are two parts to this equation. You cannot force someone to feel the same way and you cannot control the how or the why. All you can do is focus on you and let it go from there. You will get over this and when you do heal you will remember the lessons learned when you do find a loving partner who realizes what you bring to the table.

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC-

[Forgiveness]

I sometimes feel that I can't be truly happy when I'm single, but I look around and see it's not true. I know many truly happy single people. They all have a great network of friends and they're never lonely.

While it's nice to think about sharing your life with someone, someday, I think it's important to cultivate happiness on your own. To give someone else the key to your happiness is to give away your power.

Are there things in your life that make you happy, right now? That don't involve romance?

[Yoke]

@Forgiveness.. thanx.! I would say No. There is nothing that makes me happy anylonger. I enjoy eat dinner and hang out with friends. But does it makes me feel happy? No.. i have been single most part of my life and before i did not think about it so much. It just was that way. Now, after i have been into a rs , engaged- it terrifies me to be alone. Single. I dont want that! So what to do?

[Yoke]

@SinisterComple. Thanx. 

Excerpt They do this crap on purpose because pain leaves the biggest mark. You will ruminate over them and they know it too."  I have read alot of this BPD's and many of the writing about them is that they dont do this on purpose. They cant help it.. so what is wrong or right?
What i have been thinking of much is this
Excerpt"That person is incapable of grasping that feeling and understanding the depth, gravity, and magnitude that comes with it."...
She always told me that it was ME that never understood the depth of love. That i did not understand the meaning of love, to make her my prirority number one, that i did not know what togetherness was all about.. So is that true? Was it me that made her feel like that and my fault she brokeup and vanished.? I feel like it is me, that is wrong.. and why did she not celebrate ChristmasEve with her boyfriend/daughter? When she loves Christmas. ?

Excerpt: Honestly Yoke, probably don't really miss her. What you miss is the feeling you had while with her. So focus on the feeling, not the person. You want to feel that feeling again. "   How do i know what is what? I really do miss HER, how she was, her touch, smell, her personality, because when she was nice she was Amazing, loving, caring. And i can asure you, i will never meet someone like her again.. so how can i move on. Stop having those thoughts of to comitt suicide?

[once removed]

She always told me that it was ME that never understood the depth of love. That i did not understand the meaning of love, to make her my prirority number one, that i did not know what togetherness was all about.. So is that true? Was it me that made her feel like that and my fault she brokeup and vanished.? I feel like it is me, that is wrong..

the answer is both simpler and more complex than this.

our partners had the unique ability to overstate things...all kinds of things. to tell us we were the best partner in the world, to tell us we were the worst partner in the world. and both are overstatements.

accepting that the truth is somewhere in the middle (between your view and hers) is key to detaching.

my ex had a lot of complaints about me, about our relationship. i think most if not all of them were overstated. i dont think that means there was no truth to them. it took me a lot of time, a lot of healing, a lot of detachment, to get to what i think is a balanced understanding of the incompatibilities between my ex and me, from her perspective, from mine, and from somewhere close to objectively in between.

you werent at fault for 100% of the relationship breakdown, and your ex likely, significantly, overstated things. but the key to detaching in my mind isnt about was she 100% right or wrong in what she said.

How do i know what is what? I really do miss HER, how she was, her touch, smell, her personality, because when she was nice she was Amazing, loving, caring.

of course you miss her.

this is a significant loss, and there is significant attachment and memories. my ex was in my life as a friend for three years, and as my first adult relationship for three years after that. i missed her for a long time.

And i can asure you, i will never meet someone like her again.. so how can i move on. Stop having those thoughts of to comitt suicide?

in my experience, this requires faith.

faith that life and love go on. faith that there is a future, even a happier and better one. faith that not only will you love again, but with an even greater capacity than before.

you may not meet someone like her again. part of detaching is accepting that who we met, who we were with, who we loved; it wasnt meant to be. if it were, we wouldnt be on the Detaching board. we wouldnt have struggled as we have. personally, while my ex had some great qualities, qualities that i would look for in future partners, i dont want to meet someone like my ex, and i dont want to have a relationship like i did with my ex...but it took me a lot of time, a lot of work, to get there. im not the same person as i was back then.

and part of Detaching is being open to that possibility. to letting go of the old relationship, its good qualities and its bad, and being open to new possibilities...new possibilities in terms of the person we can be, the partner we can be, the kind of relationship we can go on to have.

youll get there, Yoke. it took me a long time.

[JNChell]

Hello, Yoke. I can understand the pain and confusion that you’re experiencing. Seven months may seem like a long time, but it’s really not when you figure in the deep emotional attachment that you feel for your ex. Rest assured that it’s alright to have the feelings that you’re currently having. It’s part of the grieving process. This type of grieving is no walk in the park, as you are experiencing, but it will get better. I was in a very bad way emotionally and mentally when I first showed up here. It was bad. Like you, I was confused, feeling very acute emotional pain and had bouts with suicidal ideation. Basically, I was engulfed in my own misery, and I couldn’t see past my nose in order to do what was necessary to shake it off. This community has been a tremendous help in my recovery.

They say time heals your wounds... but does it?

The short answer is no, time will not heal us. Time will put distance between our feelings and the trauma to allow us space to process and work things out, but in order to heal you’ll have to be proactive. It sounds like you’re doing just that. You’ve found this community and are in therapy. That’s a great combination. Don’t forget to pat yourself on the back for looking after yourself. Well done.

no closure

This is very tough. For many of us here, it’s not just “no closure”, it’s absolute radio silence. Nothing at all. Sometimes we have to grant ourselves closure when it’s not an amicable resolution. It takes time and work.

I am still in theraphy and it has helped and changed me a lot. Am not that person who first stepped in there in May...Am different. I have gone deep and faced my fears from childhood until now. I have talked about it, tried and understand now and have dealed with myself and my wounds and pain from the past... I have moved on. But her.. I can't let go of.

It’s nice to see that therapy has been a positive thing for you. It sounds like you’re discovering new things about yourself with the work that you are doing. It will take a while to get over your ex. Be patient with yourself and feel the feelings. It’s important to not suppress or minimize them. When you’re having these feelings, come here and talk about them, write them down and take your thoughts to a therapy session, stuff like that. Do you think that might be helpful for you?

I am devestated because i do still miss  her like it was yesteeday. I do still love her as much even if she treated and hurt me like hell. For me, that is a proof it IS true love. Deep love. Real love. So why does God made me feel like this when its useless?... I have decided that i will not bare feel like this all my life. I will give it a time. Otherwise i will not continue my life.. its too painful.

You love and miss your ex. You were committed to the relationship and it broke down. This has caused you pain and has upended certain aspects of your life. I’m sorry for that, but I also have to recognize that you’re a person that is working towards understanding why which can lead you to a greater good in your life. Getting over a few big humps along the way is a key to understanding all of this pain and uncertainty. Things will gradually level out and become much clearer for you.

Without hijacking your thread, I’d like to mention something that has been said over and over. God doesn’t put anything on our shoulders that he knows we can’t handle. Yoke, you’ve got this and everything is going to be fine. It’s just very hard right now. Many of us have been right where you are, and we’re doing well now. I know that it feels like hell, but you’re already on your way to feeling better.

I started on the Detaching board. I had a child with a very narcissistic woman with borderline traits. I nearly lost everything and lived with my best friend for seven months after the final fallout. My childhood was a dark experience. I guess that what I’m getting at is that I wouldn’t know myself the way that I do now, and I’m still learning, if the rug hadn’t been ripped out from under me by my Son’s mom. I eventually ended up seeing a trauma specialist once a week while also being involved here. Everything has changed, Yoke. I should add, for the better. I spend a lot of time on the PSI (parent, sibling, in-law) board now. Turns out that my choice of partners and the things I was willing to put up with were in direct correlation to my childhood. It really helps to be able to see things and to really understand the reasons why.

[Yoke]

@JNChell thanx. .. "Seven months may seem like a long time, but it’s really not when you figure in the deep emotional attachment that you feel for your ex. Rest assured that it’s alright to have the feelings that you’re currently having. It’s part of the grieving process. This type of grieving is no walk in the park, as you are experiencing, but it will get better. I was in a very bad way emotionally and mentally when I first showed up here. It was bad. Like you, I was confused, feeling very acute emotional pain and had bouts with suicidal ideation. ".. I thought 7 months would made me miss her less, but it has not been that way. I do miss her every day. I process the feelings i have, i do think of everything we went through in our rs.. asking myself the questions, did she ever loved me? What of her many words was true? Is she having BPD? .. What could i have done to avoid the argues?.. but its in vain. There is so many unsaid words. I do think everyone deserves a closure ..


Excerpt: our partners had the unique ability to overstate things...all kinds of things. to tell us we were the best partner in the world, to tell us we were the worst partner in the world. and both are overstatements. 

accepting that the truth is somewhere in the middle (between your view and hers) is key to detaching.  " how do you mean by this?  Did she never tell me the truth? Or was it her way to show me the truth? ...

I am terrified to be alone for the rest of my life. That i wont find anyone to live with. What is it to live without love? Nothing . Its not easy in my age, and be homosexual to find a new partner. That is why i hate when people say" you will find someone new..".. if i have been hetero- then yes. But now... no.. I have only one time left at my therapist and that frightends me.. he means a lot to me. And comfort me.  I have lost almost everyone of my friends during my time to grief. They got tired of me not being happy. But then, they were not my true friends either.. @JNChell  Can i ask you something? My ex,, used her friends many times to write to me when we had argued and she brokeup with me . They were at first kind and tried to help me understand my ex, but then , they got evil and threathend me to call the cops, leave my ex alone etc.. I have never met them.. She never let me see her friends. Was it because she then, could use them against me, and because IF i have met them, they might would have liked me and then knew that she was not telling the truth to them about me? ..I dont understand it. And every friend we had in common, ( coworkers) she has cut contact to them. Like she is afraid? They will try contact /text her..she has vanished completely.. like a ghost.. why? / regards Yoke