Wife Recently Diagnosed with BPD

[TheeffectsofBPD]

Hello all,

This is my first post and I'm going to dive right in. Before I begin I'd like to thank you for your support and advice. I'm in a difficult place right now and very much so needing a community who understands. Here is a little background to get started.

My wife and I have been together for eight years now. Our relationship could be describe as periods of intense romantic passion compounded with spans of emotional abandonment. Since getting married at a very young age, our marriage has generally been one emotional extreme or the other. However we have always believed in trusting and committing ourselves towards one another. We are also christians and have faith that God brought us together. Someone looking from the outside in at our relationship would probably describe it as, passionate, exciting, and charismatic. Unfortunately as of late this would be a poor perception of what our marriage actually is.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[audiogirl]

Perhaps you are struggling with an episode right now, and if so, please try not to take personally what she may be saying to you. It is still a challenge for me not to fall into shame and blaming myself when my SO gets dysregulated and starts in with everything I have ever done wrong, and blaming me for every ill in her life. It's OK to be realistic about what we own when a conflict erupts, but when the laundry list gets extreme, it's best to keep in mind this is part of the disorder, and not about you.

[TheeffectsofBPD]

Thank you very much! I will keep this in mind.

[TheeffectsofBPD]

Hello all,

Please ignore my previous post with the same title. I accidentally submitted that one and it is not letting me edit or delete it.

This is my first post and I'm going to dive right in (it is going to be a bit lengthy). Before I begin I'd like to thank you for your support and advice. I'm in a difficult place right now and very much so needing a community who understands. Here is a little background to get started.

My wife and I have been together for eight years now. Our relationship could be chalked up to periods of intense romantic passion compounded with spans of emotional abandonment. Since being committed to each other at a very young age, our marriage has generally been one emotional extreme to another. However we have always believed in trusting one another and focusing on bettering our relationship. We are also christians and have faith that God brought us together. Someone looking from the outside at our relationship would probably describe it as, passionate, exciting, and charismatic. Unfortunately as of late this would be a poor perception of what it actually is.

My wife was recently diagnosed with BPD. We have always known that there may be something more than her original diagnosed disorder, which is Manic Bipolar Disorder. However we didn't know that her condition was as bad as it is until she stayed at an impatient facility for the second time in a couple of years. Not only was a new disorder revealed, but she also expressed to me many things she has kept secret throughout our marriage. As you can imagine, they are not pretty, nor are they easy discuss. My wife revealed to me that during her manic episodes, she had multiple acts of unfaithfulness such as kissing and some touching. The most recent manic event included her sleeping with a man she only knew for two weeks. She revealed all of this to me during her stay at the impatient facility. Once again, we've been together for eight years. She just admitted to me that the majority of time we've been together she has acted unfaithfully on at least 5 occasions each with a different man.

I don't seek revenge, although I'm horrified. From my understanding, and what she has admitted to me, none of the infidelity was pre planned and there was no interaction with the men following the event. The only event that had prior interaction was the one in which she slept with the man. She had become his friend at a local coffee shop and obviously things became more intimate than they should have. My only consolation is that during each time she was manic, which I can vouch for. Even then I'm still struggling.

I don't know what to expect response wise. I think I just need to converse with people who have been hurt by others with BPD. I look forward to hearing from each of you! 

[Ozzie101]

Hi TheeffectsofBPD! Welcome to the family!

You've come to the right place. We "get it" here. And we've got a lot of tools and experience to share.

That must have been a real emotional sucker-punch hearing about your wife's infidelity. While I haven't experienced that, you'll find that many people here have. It's not uncommon with BPD, unfortunately. If you dig around in the forums here, you'll find many similar stories.

Just curious, but do you see a therapist? Or have you thought about doing it? Many members find it very helpful in keeping ourselves strong and centered in the face of BPD. A therapist with some experience treating BPD is particularly helpful. Just a thought.

We can also provide support for you. As I said, we have experience and can offer advice or just an understanding ear.

Again, welcome and keep posting!

[TheeffectsofBPD]

Thank you for the kind welcome! I just started with a new therapist and my first session went well. I don't believe the therapists discipline is BPD, but he seems to understand what's going on.

I would be very appreciative of advice and support. I don't want to lose my wife to this, but I also have to be realistic about what I can emotionally handle.

[Ozzie101]

I'm glad you're seeing someone. That can be very helpful -- especially if he understands your situation.

We have plenty of both advice and support!

Relationships like this are not easy and we're all here to help each other. The good news is, there are things you can do (or things you can stop doing) that can improve your relationship or at least make it easier to manage. We've seen some very dire situations do a 180. Not all succeed, but it is possible.

I know the revelation of her infidelity was a massive blow to you but I'm guessing there have also been other areas that have been difficult too. Relationships are complicated so there's often a lot to unpack and we have a lot of info here, so there's a lot to digest. Best to do it in bite-sized pieces.

One thing I'll ask: Have you read the book Stop Walking on Eggshells? It's the book that brought me here and it's highly recommended in helping Nons understand the BPD mind.

And, to help get started, if you had to point to one aspect of your relationship that causes you a lot of grief and trouble, what would it be?

[TheeffectsofBPD]

I'm actually reading "Stop Walking On Eggshells" right now. It is also the reason I came to this site. That book has been a huge help.

If I had to say one point of my relationship that gives me the most grief is her stints of mania. Our relationship is relatively normal until the mania takes over and completely consumes her. She literally becomes a different person and no longer functions as a partner in our marriage.

[Ozzie101]

I'm sure that is difficult to deal with. How do you usually react when she gets like that?