I have been eliminated

[Gumnut]

I found out yesterday that my daughter has eliminated me from her life. I don’t exist it’s like I am dead and she now believes she is the head of the family. She has estranged herself from me since my husband died.

I am concerned about her mental health yet anyone who has seen her says she is happy for having rid me from her life.
This is what doesn’t make sense. We use to be so close, I look after my grandson while she worked, now I don’t even get to see a photo of him and never seen my granddaughter. They live nearby.

It’s all new to me this strange behaviour, I have only been able to email her as all other forms of communication have been blocked and that has been met with very hurtful angry responses which don’t make sense and it’s like she is rewriting history. So when people say she is fine, why when I email, her her replies would indicate she is not ok.

Is she putting on a front for the others but churning underneath? Do I push her buttons? I do believe everyone is tip toeing around her. I don’t understand much about BPD and she has not been diagnosed but my counsellor suggested I read up on it.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Harri]

Hi Gumnut.   

That hurts and is so confusing isn't it?

I don't have the answers for why your daughter is doing this.  I do know that pwBPD (people with BPD) tend to react more strongly to those they are closest to.  The behaviors/symptoms of BPD will be more obvious when interacting with those they are more intimate with.  So outsiders may not see the same behaviors as they do not trigger the fears that come with being close. 

Is she putting on a front for the others but churning underneath? Do I push her buttons? I do believe everyone is tip toeing around her. I don’t understand much about BPD and she has not been diagnosed but my counsellor suggested I read up on it.

Some people refer to this ability to act normally with others as putting up a front or wearing a mask as if it were deliberate.  I am not convinced that that happens with all pwBPD.   Can some do that?  Sure. 

Who are the people telling you she is okay?  They have their experience with her and you have your own.  It does not make either experience invalid.  I had the same with my mom who had BPD traits.  So many of my friends got to experience the fun, happy, warm, accepting mom that I only got to see sometimes and when she was dysregulated or I was split black it was horrible.

I am so sorry this is happening. 

[Gumnut]

“Who are the people telling you she is okay?  They have their experience with her and you have your own.  It does not make either experience invalid.”

Recently my DIL and she doesn’t know her very well. But in the past her sister and her husband.  Her husband says she now allows him to spend time with friends without her getting angry at him since she eliminated me from her life so he is happy that she is is not yelling at him. He also said it’s normal behaviour for her to cut people off for no obvious reason.

[Harri]

Recently my DIL and she doesn’t know her very well. But in the past her sister and her husband.  Her husband says she now allows him to spend time with friends without her getting angry at him since she eliminated me from her life so he is happy that she is is not yelling at him. He also said it’s normal behaviour for her to cut people off for no obvious reason.

There is a primitive defense mechanism that pwBPD use to deal with anxiety called Splitting.  Our article explains it well.  You are not alone in your experience with this.  I don't offer the article to defend her actions.  I offer it to give some perspective and perhaps a way for you to distance yourself a bit emotionally from the pain.  I found understanding a lot of the defense mechanisms helped me to do that which in turn helped me be more centered so that I could focus on helping myself cope and perhaps come up with solutions for me.

I hope that helps.  Read the article and see what you think.

[Juki]

Hi Gumnut,

I'm really sorry about the situation with your daughter and understand how painful it must be.  Unfortunately, there is little you can do in a situation like this other than to be kind to yourself, do lots of self-caring things and seek strength, understanding and validation from supportive people.   One thing is sure - her estrangement and alienation is deliberate and intended to hurt you, BPD or not, and you probably will never understand the rationale for her decisions.  Your daughter has chosen to weaponise the children and her love and this is very destructive behaviour.  It is possible that she is struggling in her own life and is blaming you because she is incapable of managing it in a healthy way and taking responsibility herself.  In terms of masking her true self - I have a daughter with BPD who outwardly portrays that all is fine when internally it is a completely different story so don't believe the feedback you are getting.  Only someone very close would be privy to what is really going on.  Hopefully with time your daughter may come good.  In the meantime please look after yourself and get regular professional support as this is a very difficult dynamic to have to live with.

Juki x

[Gumnut]

Thanks Juki,
I do have a wonderful support network of friends, family and professional people. At the end of the day I worry about my daughter as she clearly needs help but there is nothing I can do and no one else knows what to do, so they do nothing. Whilst they say she is happy, for her to eliminate me from her life like she has indicates something is clearly wrong. I have accepted that it won’t be me to encourage her to get help, yet as her mother it still makes me sad.

[Gumnut]

Harri, thank you for the information on splitting, it would appear that is what she is doing. I had not been subjected to this behaviour from her before. It makes me realise that’s why the others think she is ok because she has not split from them. It would also appear there is not much I can do and hopefully one day she recognises that she needs help.

[Momnotmom]

Hi Gumnut.
I'm so sorry about your painful situation. I was recently eliminated as well. "I want you out of our lives forever!" This is not a new experience for me, however. My daughter does this regularly. The last big split was just over a year ago with a few minor splits since then. We find that when relationships - with men, with siblings, with us parents - and things in her life in general are going well for her, it's like she starts looking for excuses/reasons to distance herself. She becomes more suspicious/paranoid and then blows for the littlest perceived slight. Then it's "you NEVER cared about me, you're ALWAYS are mean to me, all you care about is my sister," etc. We have learned over the years when she cuts us off to let it be. She eventually comes back when she wants something or needs help. It's harder now that she has two children that we worry about. There's no way to stay in contact with the boys without being in touch with her. And that is her latest and most powerful weapon to use against us. There will always be people who don't see what's going on - but we are closest and know her the best, so we get the brunt of the effects. No matter how many times it happens, however, it still hurts. So take care of yourself.

[Gumnut]

Mumnotmum, I can relate to everything you say. I believe this time it is for good.

She has told lies about me and everyone including her husband and his family have been brainwashed with these lies. She has told them I refuse to be medicated for a mental illness (which I do not have and have never been diagnosed with a mental illness). I had to tell my other children that what she was saying was not true. I have offered for my daughter to talk to my doctor about her concerns which she agreed to do, but I don’t believe she did. Instead she cut me off.  Her husband told me she is punishing me by not allowing me to see my grandchildren. Yet I don’t know what I have done.

While everyone sees that there is something wrong with her behaviour no one understands why she is doing this. I have not mentioned BPD to anyone. So we all “pretend” it’s not happening. I don’t think this is healthy but no one wants to address it. I have stepped away, but it continues to impact my other two children who do have a relationship with her.

[Blueskyday]

I have a theory..I may be wrong but I have been discarded recently when all signs pointed to me having breast cancer.
They found "something which could be cancer" 3 yrs ago and I refused a biopsy.
I was experiencing swelling and incredible pain so had no option but to return in October. I felt so strongly that l I was going to die so all my funeral arrangements were finalised.
Something was killing me but it was a 10yr codeine treatment so I cold turkeyed all of it.


 At the worst of this she froze me out. I faced the prospect I may die alone. She is 30, an adult and accused me of all sorts of selfishness at this exact moment.

My theory is.

The crux of BPD pain seems to be intense fear of abandonment.

Death is the ultimate abandonent. The fact that your husband chose to take his own life ( no empathy is within her psyche)  proves to her no one can be relied on. Any grieving on your part would be percieved as you not being there for her. You are her Mother! You are not a person.

Ergo people you love will leave you. No one can be trusted..No one is safe.
The closer they are the more it will hurt.
Cut them out and protect yourself.

She may be "fine" as the threat has gone. Her anger towards her Father for the suicide is now placed firmly on your shoulders.

For me the priority is my Grandchild who is neglected by her Mother. I have thrown in the towel after 20yrs of torture.
I negotiated a new normal. I behave as a divorced co parent and arrange contact only. I refuse to respond to any attempt to converse which is not directly and only about arranging contact.

Would this work for you?
Maybe let her know you accept you have both come to the end of the road and ask for a firm visiting schedule. Reassure her you accept your relationship is over and that you will only contact regarding visitation. Those babies need you and you deserve to have them in your life

[Gumnut]

Blueskyday wow what you says really fits the situation. My daughter is 30 too. Our relationship deteriorated immediately after my husband died. She could not cope with my grief. She accused me of not being there for the birth of her daughter yet she had estranged herself. She requested the impossible of me by making up lies saying my vaccinations were not current. Insisting I be revaccinated when my dr wouldn’t give me it as it was current, then she said that it was “ok” for me not to be around, when clearly it wasn’t. Others were placed in the same situation but after her 6 week mandatory imposition, not to see the baby the others were allowed after 6 weeks but I wasn’t.

I have been asked if she blames me for her fathers death but apart from the estrangement, she has never said anything to me to indicate she does. The way you describe her thinking makes sense.

At the suggestion of my counsellor I emailed her asking for contact with my grandchildren whilst accepting I don’t have a relationship with her but it was met with a big “no” she is protecting them from me. I suggested her husband or sister bring them to me and stay while I see them. She is not open to anything. I do worry about her as a parent to my grandson but there is nothing I can do. She has a strange form of parenting rather than outright abusive.

I wonder how this will play out in the future or me not existing be the new norm and her behaviour will not affect anyone else as long as they play along. Will she crack and have to get help or as long as I am out of her life everything is ok. Not knowing leaves me wondering and at the moment without it affecting anyone else she is able to carry on. The more I read about it, sounds like she is demonstrating traits of BPD.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Juki]

I have to chime in and say that Bluesky has had an incredibly important insight that sounds very credible and is something I can also relate to.

Recently a very close family friend was diagnosed with advanced pancreatic cancer and passed away within 4 months.  He and his wife were both my children's god parents and have had a very close relationship with our entire family for decades.  My daughter's behaviour went to rack and ruin after she learnt that he was terminally ill, and I became her target.  His illness clearly tapped into her fears of abandonment, and as Bluesky said, death is the ultimate abandonment. Because my daughter feels intense emotions, and doesn't have the necessary tools to self-regulate, she lashed out at me and in many ways her abandonment fears became a self-fulfilling prophecy as she chose to abandon me repeatedly in the few months ahead of his death.  On the day he died I was unable to grieve properly because my daughter's dysregulated emotional needs took centre stage and she demanded I console her.  As hard as I tried to help her with her emotions, I couldn't do it to her satisfaction as I was dealing with my own grief and the result was an escalation of her bad behaviour and her discarding me with the usual "You're never there for me", "You've never been there for me", "You are unable to provide me with emotional support", etc.  and states that she can't deal with the cycle of me being there and then not being there.  These are contorted perceptions which are fuelled by the terror of abandonment that she feels.  You said, "She could not cope with my grief" - I think this is not about her inability to cope with your grief, but not understanding that your grief precluded you from being able to give her the comfort she felt she deserved and that you had your own needs.  This is because people with BPD are unable to mentalize - i.e. understand the other person's perspective.  My friends death only occurred at the end of November and my daughter has displayed a wide variety of dysfunctional behaviours ever since, which vacillated from wanting to hear from me countless times per day (including wearing my phone around my neck 24/7) to discarding me and keeping her distance.  One of the things that my daughter says every time she discards me is "I can't do this anymore.  I'm done.  You are incapable of emotionally supporting me", and with that she blocks me and goes no contact.  At these times she is incapable of remembering anything good I have done, our connection in good times, and the love and care I have for her and is reacting by contorting facts to fit to her feelings.  One thing to remember is that their behaviour is driven by their feelings and in this situation I tend to agree with Bluesky and feel that your daughter's behaviour has been triggered by your husband's death and all that goes with it.  I know this is not going to help much with your current situation, but understanding the dynamics of what you may be dealing with helps shift your perspective and this in turn helps ease the pain that goes with their behaviour. 

[Blueskyday]

I heard my daughters voice when I read what your daughter said Jukie. I am a cold and stoic person apparently who doesn't want to be a Mother to her. This from a woman who emotionally and physically neglects her child and is 30. By 30 I had been widowed ( 2nd husband) and orphaned and she abandoned by her Father without a penny. My BPD sister tried to ruin mine and my brothers life and he had taken his life shortly after her worst attempt. There is a huge dna issue with BPD.

My daughter has no empathy of any kind whatsoever.

I was blocked after she said she was " terrified I was going to die". I had told her I intended to call that evening.

I simply said later that blocking me makes no sense if indeed she was concerned.

I have totally given up and let go. I no longer feel the fear when she threatens to harm herself etc..I see the patterns of manipulation. I dont love her the way I loved the child I bore. She is not that child.

I am so sad that your dtr refused visitation Gumnut. It sucks being a Grandparent in these situations

[Gumnut]

You said, "She could not cope with my grief" - I think this is not about her inability to cope with your grief, but not understanding that your grief precluded you from being able to give her the comfort she felt she deserved and that you had your own needs.  This is because people with BPD are unable to mentalize - i.e. understand the other person's perspective.  [/quote]

Juki you are so right I wasn’t there for her. I wasn’t able to continue to care for my grandson as I was a mess. I was barely functioning. She became angry with me for no reason a year ago and our relationship has deteriorated now to a point she has walked away from having a relationship with me. I received this email 10 weeks ago I did not reply. At the time I had not even heard of BPD so I was emailing her trying to find a solution to what was wrong.

[/quote] One thing to remember is that their behaviour is driven by their feelings and in this situation I tend to agree with Bluesky and feel that your daughter's behaviour has been triggered by your husband's death and all that goes with it.  I know this is not going to help much with your current situation, but understanding the dynamics of what you may be dealing with helps shift your perspective and this in turn helps ease the pain that goes with their behaviour.  [/quote]

I really appreciate hearing others perspective and ones who have experience with their daughter, rather than a list of behaviours that may indicate a disorder. I feel relieved that I understand how she maybe feeling/thinking and yes it doesn’t mean I can change the current situation but in the future if an opportunity arises I will be in a better place to understand how to respond to her rather than being ignorant as I have been.

[Juki]

Hi Gumnut,

Don't beat yourself up about not being there for her.  A situation like yours requires you to put your oxygen mask on first before offering first aid to anyone else.  Unfortunately, in the world of a BPD individual their needs must always come first and if they are not met they lose it.  It all tracks back to their inability to mentalize and living in an egocentric world.  At the time that our close friend died it was all about her, how she felt, how it impacted on her, etc. even though my association with him was much longer and deeper.  I wasn't there for my daughter as she would have liked either because I was embedded in my own grief.  However, I did the best I could do given the circumstances and she has had to accept that - much to her displeasure.  We can't do better than what we are capable of doing.  I needed space and time to grieve and as selfish as it may seem to some I gave myself that space at the expense of meeting my BPD daughter's emotional needs.  Do I feel guilty?  No.  Do I feel I could of done better?  No.  Do I regret anything?  No.  I've learnt that her emotional responses are hers and not mine to deal with and that I come first in all situations.  Does it make me feel guilty?  Yes, a bit, because I am inherently a people pleasing, solutions person who feels responsible for how everyone else is feeling.  But I also feel empowered because for once I have given myself priority over anyone else, even my daughter and that feels good.  Setting boundaries and putting myself first is foreign to me and doesn't sit well with me at all, but I'm doing it, as you should also do.  Ride the current pain and reset your expectations for your next encounter remembering all the while that she does not think like you do and is struggling in her own life.  All the best x