New here, new start - wisdom needed

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hello all, I'm new here. May I just say what a wonderful community this is. Well done. I'm looking for wisdom, advice & understanding; pretty sure I came to the right place. Hope this post isn't too long

I've recently made the most definitive step to distance myself from a partner I've been on and off with since early 2017. Rang her to say she makes me miserable and that for my own sanity I need complete space and finality. Then blocked her on everything. She lives far away from me right now, so no danger of face-to-face meets. I've done this before, though - more times than I can count. But... I feel more than ever that I want this time to stick. I also have far from 100% confidence it will stick.

Want to add at this point that the ex-partner is NOT diagnosed with BPD (but presents all the symptoms, and has made me feel like I'm living in an insane parallel universe since we met). She's currently getting therapy, on my advice/urging. So first question: anyone have any experience with assuming their ex has BPD? I feel uncomfortable making this assumption, but by god it feels like she is BPD. I decided over a year ago she displayed BPD tendencies, but never told her. Thought it would be deeply presumptuous and rude - not to mention potentially detrimental to her already wobbly mental health.

For context: she's threatened suicide regularly; emotionally blackmailed; left me briefly for other men; sent letters, emails, begging; turns up at my door unannounced; pulled a knife on me; hidden my passport and ID; stole my car keys; rewritten our history and things I've said and done; regular verbal and physical abuse; the list goes on.

I've read a lot about NC here and elsewhere, and lots rings true for me. It's inevitable I'm days off a long email that twangs all the right heartstrings. This tired formula works on me incredibly well. I blocked her on email (and everywhere else). Her emails will go to my spam folder. I'm ashamed to say I'm checking that folder about 5 times a day. I blocked her number but my phone still tells me when & what she texts. I feel like I'm addicted to the drama, the next phase, the inevitable cycle of hope and pain - and I know that the full, wall-to-wall realisation that she's terrible for me and I MUST get away for good hasn't really landed yet. Like my being unable to throw away the trinkets and gifts she gave me, I feel really unable to *not read* a message she sends me. Like I say, I'm addicted to the drama (in the immortal words of the Black Eyed Peas...)

Then there's my own mental health, which has taken a sustained battering for two years. I'm sure the advice is to seek therapy. I know my own issues pre-exist this relationship and overlap with it. For instance, I've often dated mentally unstable and depressed women. Friends deem this a saviour complex. I'd go further and say my ego cherishes the opportunity to make someone happier. I think this borders on narcissism, even if I tell myself it's because I'm compassionate, nice, etc. I've largely forgotten what self-esteem feels like - perhaps that's common? I also suspect I've come to take emotional laceration as a display of love - and pain as a more significant part of life and love than perhaps it is. So, question also: do I seek a therapist with particular experience with BPD relationships, or go more general and have more general therapy? Has anyone kind of done both? I'm worried about the 'convenience' of unloading all my problems on this relationship - but also think 'general' therapists may not understand?

Finally, if you'll indulge me: how can I tell my friends and family what this relationship has been like? How have you guys communicated it - or is it even possible? All I know is my friends have watched with bemusement, bafflement and continual eye-rolling as the tumult took place largely behind closed doors - with 'we're not together'/'we're back together' flip-flops each time they ask for an update. I want to open those doors now, but not sure how.

Really grateful for any and all insights. I feel like the sun is rising on a new day and a new start, but I need your help to run towards the sunny horizon. I don't feel out of the darkness just yet.

[Napkin]

Hello all, I'm new here. May I just say what a wonderful community this is. Well done. I'm looking for wisdom, advice & understanding; pretty sure I came to the right place. Hope this post isn't too long

I've recently made the most definitive step to distance myself from a partner I've been on and off with since early 2017. Rang her to say she makes me miserable and that for my own sanity I need complete space and finality. Then blocked her on everything. She lives far away from me right now, so no danger of face-to-face meets. I've done this before, though - more times than I can count. But... I feel more than ever that I want this time to stick. I also have far from 100% confidence it will stick.

Want to add at this point that the ex-partner is NOT diagnosed with BPD (but presents all the symptoms, and has made me feel like I'm living in an insane parallel universe since we met). She's currently getting therapy, on my advice/urging. So first question: anyone have any experience with assuming their ex has BPD? I feel uncomfortable making this assumption, but by god it feels like she is BPD. I decided over a year ago she displayed BPD tendencies, but never told her. Thought it would be deeply presumptuous and rude - not to mention potentially detrimental to her already wobbly mental health.

For context: she's threatened suicide regularly; emotionally blackmailed; left me briefly for other men; sent letters, emails, begging; turns up at my door unannounced; pulled a knife on me; hidden my passport and ID; stole my car keys; rewritten our history and things I've said and done; regular verbal and physical abuse; the list goes on.

I've read a lot about NC here and elsewhere, and lots rings true for me. It's inevitable I'm days off a long email that twangs all the right heartstrings. This tired formula works on me incredibly well. I blocked her on email (and everywhere else). Her emails will go to my spam folder. I'm ashamed to say I'm checking that folder about 5 times a day. I blocked her number but my phone still tells me when & what she texts. I feel like I'm addicted to the drama, the next phase, the inevitable cycle of hope and pain - and I know that the full, wall-to-wall realisation that she's terrible for me and I MUST get away for good hasn't really landed yet. Like my being unable to throw away the trinkets and gifts she gave me, I feel really unable to *not read* a message she sends me. Like I say, I'm addicted to the drama (in the immortal words of the Black Eyed Peas...)

Then there's my own mental health, which has taken a sustained battering for two years. I'm sure the advice is to seek therapy. I know my own issues pre-exist this relationship and overlap with it. For instance, I've often dated mentally unstable and depressed women. Friends deem this a saviour complex. I'd go further and say my ego cherishes the opportunity to make someone happier. I think this borders on narcissism, even if I tell myself it's because I'm compassionate, nice, etc. I've largely forgotten what self-esteem feels like - perhaps that's common? I also suspect I've come to take emotional laceration as a display of love - and pain as a more significant part of life and love than perhaps it is. So, question also: do I seek a therapist with particular experience with BPD relationships, or go more general and have more general therapy? Has anyone kind of done both? I'm worried about the 'convenience' of unloading all my problems on this relationship - but also think 'general' therapists may not understand?

Finally, if you'll indulge me: how can I tell my friends and family what this relationship has been like? How have you guys communicated it - or is it even possible? All I know is my friends have watched with bemusement, bafflement and continual eye-rolling as the tumult took place largely behind closed doors - with 'we're not together'/'we're back together' flip-flops each time they ask for an update. I want to open those doors now, but not sure how.

Really grateful for any and all insights. I feel like the sun is rising on a new day and a new start, but I need your help to run towards the sunny horizon. I don't feel out of the darkness just yet.

[Ozzie101]

Hi Napkin and welcome!

It sounds like you've really been on the BPD roller coaster -- certainly familiar to most of us here.

How long ago did you make the phone call and cut off contact?

anyone have any experience with assuming their ex has BPD?

 
Right here. And others do too. My H is not diagnosed and has no idea I suspect BPD. Like you, I've felt some guilt and discomfort over this. But there are two things at play here: 1) BPD is notoriously difficult to diagnose. Even loved ones in therapy often don't have a diagnosis. That doesn't mean the affect on us is any less. This site can still help. 2) We advise people NOT to tell their loved one we suspect they have BPD. It tends to not go well. So, your instincts were dead-on in not telling her.

Best thing is to educate yourself about BPD. Learn about it. Learn about yourself.

do I seek a therapist with particular experience with BPD relationships, or go more general and have more general therapy?

Therapy is very helpful, I've found. So, especially with your history, I would definitely recommend it. As to your questions, it is a good idea to find someone with some sort of BPD experience. They don't have to specialize, but the more they know about BPD (and it's not always well-known in the therapy community), the better they'll be able to understand you and help you. My own therapist specializes in domestic violence (my H was emotionally abusive for a while) but she does have familiarity with BPD and understands what I'm talking about.

The main thing is finding someone you feel comfortable with.

how can I tell my friends and family what this relationship has been like?

I'd urge you to be careful there. Especially if there's any possibility of rekindling this relationship. In a weak moment, I spilled details to my sisters about my H. It created more drama than there had been originally.

I'll tell you what my therapist told me: Pick one or two people. People whose judgement you trust. People you respect. People who you know will not go spreading whatever you say to other people. People who will listen without judging you for your choices and who will not rage against your loved one.

It is difficult and at times impossible for people on the outside to truly understand what a BPD relationship is like. So, sharing needs to be done with some care -- and a realization that they may not really "get it" -- or might not even believe some of it.

Hang in there! We understand here.

[40days_in_desert]

There are many here that have undiagnosed partners or loved ones in their life. For me, it was important to come to the BPD conclusion (not diagnosis) so that I could first understand what was happening. I felt like my life was a constant episode of “The Twilight Zone” before and shortly after our separation four and a half years ago. Since I co-parent with my ex, understanding BPD was and still is important so that I can better communicate with her for the next ten years. That has resulted in closing several doors of communication  and limiting the one subject that we need to communicate about - our kids.

[enlighten me]

Hi Napkin

I agree with 40 days that having something to pin the behaviour to can be helpful just for your own sanity. If BPD fits then its as good a thing to call it as anything else.

One thing that helped me get over my exs was looking at myself. Why did I put up with it? What did they have to keep me coming back? What did I feel I was missing in my life to allow it to happen? etc etc

Once you can identify your reasons you can work on them so it doesnt happen again. It also helps as it exposes their behaviour towards you which makes them a less attractive prospect.

Something else that helped was ketchup. This may sound odd but I cant stand the stuff and my ex had it on everything. Even cooked with it. My hatred off the stuff reinforced my not wanting to go back. It sounds silly but if you can identify something that you really dont like but your ex did then you can use that dislike to reinforce you not wanting to go back.

I used to get panic attacks when my ex wife would call as it normally ended with her screaming at me. I changed her ringtone to gold digga. Childish I know but it made me chuckle every time she called so I wasn't straight on the defensive. I have kids with her so couldn't block her.


Its hard as they get under our skin but over time you can pull apart her personality and find that there wasn't much about them that you liked as most of it was mirroring and not who they really are.

[SinisterComplex]

"Its hard as they get under our skin but over time you can pull apart her personality and find that there wasn't much about them that you liked as most of it was mirroring and not who they really are."

This is perhaps the most important thing to pay attention to here. For me...with the last woman I was involved with I figured out what made things go the way they did was actually because she couldn't figure me out. She couldn't mirror me. She didn't have control. I turned down sex with her. So she self-destructed and self-sabotaged because she was unable to be her own entity. It scared her. Additionally, I was too close to her. It made her feel terrified because she wasn't holding all the cards.

Looking back I've made my peace with how things ended the way they did because it was a necessary evil...for most of us who have had these kinds of partners you will come to see it that way as well. It just takes time. You have to be willing to do the work on yourself and see your own flaws and then you will slowly but surely put all of the pieces of the puzzle together.

Additionally, I would say just for future reference...if something feels too good to be true...it is. If something feels off...it is.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi Napkin!

Welcome to the family. to answer your question, it is said that most of the members on this site are dealing with people who have not been officially diagnosed. Some have, of course, but the majority are dealing with people who do not have a diagnosis or who have been diagnosed with other disorders/issues. The one thing we all have in common is that the person with whom we have/had the relationship displays traits of bpd, and it doesn't take much more than a smidge of those to make for a difficult relationship.

As far as therapy is concerned, it would probably help if the T has at least a working knowledge of BPD, but the focus of therapy should really be on you and what you experienced- the effect the behaviors had on you, how you responded, what you feel, etc. Talk about what you said here- how you feel addicted to the drama, the next phase, etc. That is what will be beneficial to you in therapy. And remember, you may have to try out a few counselors before finding one that is the right fit for you, and that is ok.