BPD Rollercoaster and Intamacy

[strugglingBF]

I am currently in the midst of what I would consider to be the longest lasting BPD funk.  My GF has been very susceptible to BPD outburst lately.  It does usually get worse near holidays, but I have been with her for 5 years and this is by far the worst funk.  I call it a funk because there are times when it seems she just cannot break from BPD behavior for more than 24 hours.  It seems like we have had some kind of disagreement or fight every day for the past 2 months.  And there is no such thing as a small disagreement with her (maybe a characteristic of BPD?). 

For example, we went to see the movie Bombshell last night.  After the movie I tried to have a discussion about sexual harassment in the workplace (pretty much the premise of the entire movie), something I know she has experienced many times in her past.  The movie really makes you think about things you might have witnessed in the workplace, and the effect on the victims of sexual harassment.  She immediately shifts her conversation to white privilege (the person in the movie doing the harassing was an older white male).  The movie had nothing to do with white privilege, so not sure where that came from.  However, anytime she brings white privilege up she uses it against me because I am a moderately successful white male.  She digs at me, insinuating that I do not deserve the success I have achieved.  I understand that my road would not have been as easy if the color of my skin was different, that is just the way our society still is unfortunately.  But the only time she brings it up is when she wants to use it against me, other than that it is not on her mind.  She got so angry at this point that she wouldn't even let me speak long enough to agree with her that my path would not have been as easy if the color of my skin was different.  She just assumes I am going to fight against her point.  She asks me questions in anger, then doesn't allow me to answer, then gets angry for me not answering.  Talk about being caught in a no-win situation.  Then when I finally am allowed to answer, if the answer is anything other than a simple "Yes" or "No" she gets angry again and demands a simple yes or no answer.   These are not yes/no questions she is asking. 

Kind of a long example about a simple point that there are no small disagreements with her, and it seems on many occasions that she is just looking to argue.

Where I am going with this is that the current funk we are in has taken its toll on me from an intimacy standpoint.  This is the longest we have gone without sex.  It has probably been over a month.  She does not initiate anything, so the weight of the sexual relationship falls squarely on my shoulders and has for the past 5 years.  I will not get into the effect having a GF that never approaches me for sex has had on me.  It is something I have struggled with our entire relationship.  What guy (or girl for that matter) doesn't want to feel wanted by their partner.  I guess I feel like all of the recent episodes, and some of the things that have been said, are starting to wear me down emotionally.  I get scared because I know from past relationships that when I stop wanting to have (initiate) sex, that is usually the last thing to go for me.  Not sure if that is the case here or not...yet.  In my younger, more immature, days...this is the point I would start exploring other options for intimacy.  I have matured and overcome that mindset with age, so I am not looking elsewhere not considering it.  Nonetheless, it is scary when I find myself disengaging sexually.  It is not that I am not attracted to her physically, she is gorgeous.  I guess in the past physical attraction has outweighed emotional disruption, and it seems to be swinging in the other direction now which is new (and scary) for me.   

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[Ozzie101]

It's not uncommon to pull away sexually, given the volatility of your relationship. When we're in emotional turmoil and/or being abused, harangued, browbeaten, etc., by our loved ones, our sexual attraction and drive tend to diminish.

Again, that's actually pretty normal.

Could it swing back the other way if things improve? Yes. But no guarantees. And you'll find that many here struggle with a BPD loved one who never initiates. I can't say that's a problem in my relationship so I'm afraid I don't have much advice there.

She may well be looking to argue. My H can go into these rants that seem to be completely inconsequential. It's usually a sign he's actually stressed or upset about something else.

You've been in this relationship for 5 years now. Can you usually tell when these types of "conversations" are about to develop? I know I can pick up the signs with my H. Sometimes deflecting before it starts -- or just coming up with an excuse and leaving it all together -- is the best solution. Hard to stop the train once it leaves the station. And just sitting and listening to these rants does you and your relationship more harm than good.

[strugglingBF]

Yes, I can tell when they are about to develop.  sometimes I am successful at curbing them, others I am not.  There are definitely a handful of topics that she will bring up, and they never seem to fit the conversation we are having.  Thinking about this more as I type, I should know that when the conversation turns to one of those topics it's time to approach the interaction with her BPD in mind...not making my point or shooting hers down.  Topics would include:

1. race/white privilege - This comes up way more than it should.  I am in no way shape or form racist.  I was luckily raised by parents that taught me not to see color.  Many people in my generation were raised by racist parent and it naturally rubs off on them.  She is very sensitive to this subject for some reason and easily gets out of control talking about it.  I would classify her father as racist. 

2. my ex-wife - my ex wife is not very fond of my GF as she was around when my divorce came about, and I was seeing her at the end.  My GF demands that I make my ex-wife treat her with respect and wants me to take strong actions against her till she does.  Strong actions would include ignoring my ex-wife in public, if she sits next to me at our kids' events she expects me to get up and move, giving my ex-wife ultimatums (if you don't treat GF with respect I am going to...).  I have co-parenting to do and kids to still raise with this woman (regardless of her feelings about my GF).  I am not going to act like a child and set a poor example for my kids because my GF is upset that my ex-wife doesn't like her.  She probably will never like her, and my actions certainly wont change that.  Anything that comes up with my ex-wife, which of course is often with split custody of our kids, creates a ton of unrest and negative emotions in my GF.  I dread having to bring up anything with my ex-wife.  Absolutely dread it.

3. My sexual past - Oh this one never goes anywhere good.  And she will grill me for details and details.  Then when I break down and give them to her, she gets mad and attempts to hurt me with details of her own past.  She has actually makes stuff up that is not true just to try to strike a chord with me.  She will actually say she did things she never did.  You can actually see her developing the story as she goes, and she will contradict parts of her story.  Strange, but I don't take that bait.

[Ozzie101]

Yeah, don't try to make your point or attack hers. That will not go anywhere good or productive. If she's in that mindset, she won't "hear" you. It sounds like you're JADEing (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0). Better to use SET (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0). Or say something like "Wow, babe, I can tell this means a lot to you. I need some time to think about what you said." Then exit.