Need to start focusing on me...and my son

[Michael060797]

I have been married to my wife who has BPD disorder for 22years.  She has not had any treatment and the diagnosis is only from my experience and reading.  Over the course of those years I have made it my mission to help her overcome these challenges and the continued impact of a terrible childhood (narcissistic mother and abusive father).  She has made great progress in recognizing her family of origin issues, reduced her self-blame and begun to set boundaries in her relationships.  Over the last two years the good times with her have outweighs the bad for the first time in our relationship.  What she is not able to accept yet is the impact years of BPD has had on my son and myself. 

However, now my anxiety (I had clinical anxiety before I met her) anticipating things will go downhill at any moment is worse than ever.  She tells me that I trigger her by asking if she is OK too often.  Worst of all, with som time off of the emotional roller coaster I have begun to recognize the impact the BPD has had on my only sons relationships.  He is so hypersensitive to the moods of friends and especially girls that he drives them away with his anxiety.  I should have recognized sooner what was happening with him.  I thought I had shielded him enough from his mother’s swings.  Of course I was wrong.  I couldn’t protect him fully any more than I could fix her.  I now need to get my son and I the help we need while still encouraging my wife to move forward.  Oddly enough, despite the progress we have had I hav never felt so overwhelmed by it all.  We have tried to talk to my wife some about this, but of course she feels attacked, and shifts the conversation to herself and what she has overcome.  It’s particularly hard for my 18year old son to hear his mother seemingly disregard his pain and shift the focus to herself.  He believes that the BPD has made her incapable of love and empathy.

So, at this point I am looking at our next steps ( seeking therapy for my son and I) and for the first time ever looking for support.  I hav abandoned most friendships over the years as they would ultimately point out things I didn’t want to hear about my wife.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Juki]

Hi    Firstly I want to congratulate you for investing so much into your relationship and supporting your wife.  It couldn't have been easy living with someone who exhibits BPD behaviour.  I'm not at all surprised that both you and your son have anxiety issues as you have both lived like cats on a hot tin roof for many years.  Unfortunately, no shielding can fully protect anyone from the impact of disordered behaviour.  I know this only too well as I was married to a man with NPD and both my children are profoundly affected - one has Avoidant Personality Disorder (son) and the other Borderline Personality Disorder (daughter).  I left my husband around 5 years ago due to an escalation in his abusive behaviour and I have been in therapy recovering ever since

I took my son to a therapist when he was 13 (he is 20 now) when he first started exhibiting abnormal behaviour (anger outbursts, refusal to attend school), but despite years of therapy, inpatient hospital stays (including an 8 month residential stint in an Adolescent Mental Health Hospital/School), trials of medications, TMS therapy, support workers, etc. it did little to correct the damage that had already been done.  He is fully estranged from his father by choice and has been since the day we left.  My daughter, who despite years of therapy, also progressed to be diagnosed with BPD.  She still has contact with her father but their relationship can be very volatile. 

Unfortunately, when you are living in an unhealthy relationship you fail to see how bad it really is because it becomes your "normal".  It is like the frog in the boiling water analogy whereby you fail to notice how bad things are because they incrementally and imperceptibly increased over time and you have adjusted yourself accordingly to accomodate it.  Additionally, because we are forever stomping out fires and attempting to maintain harmony in our homes, we fail to look after ourselves and our children properly because the other person vies for all the attention.  We do it to ensure their needs are met because we don't want discord and another heated explosion, even if it is at the expense of our own needs or those of others. 

I'm really happy to hear that both you and your son are turning to professional support to help you with your anxiety issues, but as you would be aware there are no quick fixes and therapy can be a long journey to emotional well-being.  Nevertheless, a good therapist should be able to arm you with some tools to help reduce your anxiety and better manage the situation.  It's also really important to have support so its great that you have reached out to others who can validate your experience and share theirs.  Well done!  It takes courage to share these things and enter into therapy.

[Michael060797]

Thanks for your response Juki.  Having just dealt with all of this on my own for so long it was cathartic just to type that first  post.  To hear encouragement and support from others like yourself is that much more wonderful.  You are right, when you are in the midst of the turmoil it is very hard to recognize the full impact.  I think both my son and I do as well a we do in other areas of our lives because we so desperately want to be able to control the pieces of ur lives that we can.  So, thankfully he is doing well in college, at work, etc.  For him it’s that relationship insecurity, the guilt and the shame.  I tend to want to talk things out, and after a failed conversation with mom recently he asked me if I was really sure that we weren’t persecuting her, and it wasn’t our issue after all.  I think it was that question that made me realize that he was experiencing as much guilt as I always have.  Broke my heart...but made me realize I needed to get him more help than I can give.  I got him to talk to a counselor about 4 years ago, and he avoided the mom subject.  When she picked up on that and challenged my son he quit going.  Shouldn’t have let him, but I did.  I need to feel OK about doing what I am now, and know that it’s not too late.

[Juki]

Hi 
I'm so glad you've got it out there - sharing your burden is indeed cathartic, especially if you've not done that before.  I had to navigate some intense personal and emotional issues pertaining to my exNPD husband and can assure you that my involvement with certain forums (not this one) during the hard times helped me so much. In fact, if it wasn't for the validation and support I received from others who had a lived experience like mine I don't believe I would have come out the other side - it was that important!

I found my experience with my exNPD husband at the time to be like peeling back the layers of an onion.  Once I got it out there, there was no stopping the haemorrhage of experience and associated emotions.  It was indeed cathartic, but simultaneously distressing because I had lived in denial for so long, always minimising the bad behaviour and dismissing the abuse with justifications.  The day I got real and acknowledged that his behaviour was unacceptable, destructive and toxic was also the beginning of a journey back to self because I had lost myself in a web of subservient placation.

I admire your resilience and dedication to your son.  I hope with all my heart that he can find his way through and not succumb to the myriad of symptoms that disordered family dynamics can bestow upon you.  Never underestimate the power of a lived experience regardless of age.  These experiences tend to stick and flavour who you become and how you interact with the world.  Please share more of what has been happening in your world and take care xx