What do I do?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hey guys, I'm not sure what to do.

So after many times of breaking up and coming back together with my ex BPD this last time we came back together but we're not officially a couple. At first we were friends and then started getting close again and then she started pushing me away again and telling me if we were just friends.

Another girl started talking to me and I asked my ex BPD where we were at and she said we were just friends. I asked her if there was any future for us and she said she did not know. I asked her if we were seeing other people then and she thought about it for a minute and then told me to just go live my life.

I went to Thanksgiving dinner at a restaurant with this other girl and ran into my ex BPD at the restaurant. She is now Angry and telling me it's not just that but all of our past. I think it is mostly this because I feel this is the worst it has been between us.

The thing with the other girl only lasted a couple of weeks and I talked to my ex BPD after that (a few weeks ago) and she is leaving some of her belongings here because she has no room for them but says we cannot be friends.

I got her and her kids some presents for Christmas and she was very appreciative of them and then tonight I ran into her at her work at Walmart and we chatted and I asked her if she wanted to hang out New Year's Eve. She said she would think about it. I text her a little later and then an hour or so later she text me and told me we can't pretend like nothing happened and she's very hurt and she's not spending New Year's Eve with me and to "Stay away. As to what we talked about and agreed."

I truly wanted to try to work on a friendship with her but I don't know what to do at this point. Do I just back off and let her come to me when she's ready (if she ever does)? I'm afraid at this point I can't do much more without causing more problems. Help! I'm lost here!

[Carguy]

Hey guys, I'm not sure what to do.

So after many times of breaking up and coming back together with my ex BPD this last time we came back together but we're not officially a couple. At first we were friends and then started getting close again and then she started pushing me away again and telling me if we were just friends.

Another girl started talking to me and I asked my ex BPD where we were at and she said we were just friends. I asked her if there was any future for us and she said she did not know. I asked her if we were seeing other people then and she thought about it for a minute and then told me to just go live my life.

I went to Thanksgiving dinner at a restaurant with this other girl and ran into my ex BPD at the restaurant. She is now Angry and telling me it's not just that but all of our past. I think it is mostly this because I feel this is the worst it has been between us.

The thing with the other girl only lasted a couple of weeks and I talked to my ex BPD after that (a few weeks ago) and she is leaving some of her belongings here because she has no room for them but says we cannot be friends.

I got her and her kids some presents for Christmas and she was very appreciative of them and then tonight I ran into her at her work at Walmart and we chatted and I asked her if she wanted to hang out New Year's Eve. She said she would think about it. I text her a little later and then an hour or so later she text me and told me we can't pretend like nothing happened and she's very hurt and she's not spending New Year's Eve with me and to "Stay away. As to what we talked about and agreed."

I truly wanted to try to work on a friendship with her but I don't know what to do at this point. Do I just back off and let her come to me when she's ready (if she ever does)? I'm afraid at this point I can't do much more without causing more problems. Help! I'm lost here!

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[Harri]

I truly wanted to try to work on a friendship with her but I don't know what to do at this point. Do I just back off and let her come to me when she's ready (if she ever does)? I'm afraid at this point I can't do much more without causing more problems. Help! I'm lost here!

I would back of, way back, and leave her to come to you.  Reading your post, she allows you to come close and then pushes you away.  She is reacting to something and you can not change or fix that.  She may feel engulfed, or scared, this could be fear of abandonment playing out here.  The best thing to do is back off and go about your life.  Stop 'chasing' her (for lack of a better word) and work on figuring out what you want. 

You mentioned friendship.  What does that look like in your mind?  What are you willing to give and give up in such a scenario?

[Carguy]

I'm pretty sure that her seeing me with that other girl is what really triggered a lot of this. Before that she was pushing me away but when I would text her she would still reply and be civil. After that she was angry when I asked her if she was okay and if that was what it was about she got angry and said she did not want to talk about it. When she came over to my house to move her vehicle and we talked a couple of weeks ago I asked her about that again and at first she said it was all of our past and that she was just numb to it until now. Later she said she didn't know why she was getting so angry over the girl because she told me we were just friends and to go live my life. Then she asked me if I got this girl pregnant. It blindsided me and I told her I can guarantee I did not. I was only seeing this girl for two weeks. I asked her why she ask that has she said because the psychic we went to a year ago said that I would be having a little girl. I could tell there was a lot of anger there though.

To be honest I don't dare approach her at this point with as cold as she has been. The last couple of times we talked she was civil and this last time we talked she was actually a little playful and joked a little and then a couple of hours after I text her she responded and told me to stay away and that she was still hurt.

To me a friendship would be someone I could still text every so often and ask how they are doing and share exciting news with and chat with when I see them in the store or in public. Someone that I still care about and want to have in my life. I'm not sure if a romantic relationship his possible at this point but I have been friends with her for almost 15 years now and miss being able to talk to her and joke with her. I would be willing to be understanding but have recently decided that I need stronger boundaries as far as what is acceptable for me. In the past I have been the people pleaser and let her walk on me a lot and hurt me a lot.

[once removed]

transitioning from ex romantic partners to friends is hard, and rare.

when its successful, it looks like a very, very different relationship, even if you were friends before you were lovers. it will never be the same. most of the time it means catching up once in a blue moon and liking each others social media posts, and little more than that. often, its even less than that. id say way less than 1% ever become close friendships.

decide which course you want to pursue (friends or lovers). put all of your eggs in that basket. lead in that direction.

if you want to be just friends, thats going to take some time. you are both conflicted and feelings are obviously sill there. you would likely both need to let the relationship die, mourn it, grieve it, have some distance to heal, and then see if its possible for a very new and different relationship to come of that. its possible. i am pretty good friends with an ex, and we ended badly. i talk to her once every couple of months, i go to her halloween party once a year. but that is the extent of it.

if you want to be lovers, the first thing is not to push her for commitment or relationship clarity. she doesnt know and she shuts it down when shes asked. im generalizing here, but often times, women prefer to lead that conversation, and let you know when they want clarity on the relationship status, or to push for exclusivity. when we do it, it can telegraph insecurity, or make them feel cornered, or make things feel too heavy.

the second thing is not to chase.

shes upset about you seeing someone else. let her work that out. whats done is done. i wouldnt ask her about it. i wouldnt talk about it. i wouldnt try to make her feel better about it or apologize for it. if she wants to talk about it, okay, but dont offer a lot of information beyond "yes" or "no".

give her the space that shes requested. in my experience, if a gal tells me to leave her alone, its good to heed. it shows emotional strength, and respect.

realistically weigh whether being lovers is possible. it sounds like she obviously has feelings, but whether shes prepared to act on them, and in what way, isnt clear. you may be over pursuing a bit too which could explain her being wishy washy and shutting things down, but again, its not clear.

[Carguy]

That makes sense. Thank you! Maybe I need some time to think through things.

So I haven't talked or seen her since the night she told me through text to stay away. Yesterday she text me (kind of surprised me). She told me that if it's a problem to keep her two old trucks on my property to let her know and if I changed my mind on trading the old car she bought from my family to me for letting her keep her trucks here to let her know. I told her I would keep my word and that was still ok. She said thanks and just wanted to check because she thought maybe things would change with where we are at with our communication.

She also said she needed to come get her dirt bike I was helping her to get running. I told her to let me know when she wanted to. Then I told her I could take my little truck to work one day and drop her dirt bike off. She said that would be great! I then told her I could finish putting it back together if she wanted and she said that would be great too! I was surprised because she is very paranoid of others and struggles to trust. Even when we were together she didn't want me working on her vehicles unless she was there (even though she doesn't know anything about them).

I could tell she was trying to feel me out to see if I was angry or where I was emotionally. I don't know but she might have even been reaching out a little trying to keep a small connection to me?

I think I'll assemble her bike and drop it off like I said and I'll be nice but won't try to have a conversation with her. If she wants to talk I will but still keep my distance for now. Does that seem logical or is there anything else I should consider?

Thank you for listening and responding! It really helps with giving me direction!

[once removed]

be graceful. dont go overboard.

why is she keeping two vehicles on your property? is it indefinite?

fixing her bike is graceful, you were already doing that. she offered to pick it up. its okay to let her 

that said, do what youve agreed to.

just dont go overboard in the future. being a reasonable and gracious guy that isnt going to make things harder is good. dont go overboard, or expect acts of kindness to win her back. right now, there are no clear loyalties.

[Carguy]

Her one truck is just a old truck body she bought several years ago and I was going to help her build it into a hot rod but she kept putting it off due to finances. The other old truck she has had since high school and it's her baby but developed an engine problem a few years ago while she was living with me.

She can't have unlicensed, undrivable vehicles sitting in her apartment parking lot and has no where else to put them right now.

Last spring when we were apart I confronted her about leaving her Vehicles here and asked her how long she was going to leave them and if she had plans to find somewhere for them and that I would check back every few months to see.

At that time I did not know what BPD was and that she had it. I thought she was just being disrespectful and cold towards me and thought I was being used so I was a little upset.

It upset her so she came over with some friends and moved her truck she had in high school and told me she would sell her other one. I felt bad and told her not to sell her other one and not to worry about leaving it here.

This summer when we came back together (although we were never officially a couple) she told me that her friends were selling the business where her truck was setting and she was concerned. I told her we could bring her truck back to my place so she did not have to worry. I borrowed my company's tow truck and we brought it back over. I told her she could leave it here as long as she needed so she did not have to worry about it.

As for her dirt bike, her and I both were working on it together because she wanted to learn. We took it apart and cleaned it up but did not get it back together. I do still care about her and want to help so I offered to finish putting it back together. I got it all back together and I am going to drop it off this morning to her.

The reason I offered to take her bike to her is because she has an SUV that she could not put the bike in and I'm not sure she has access to a truck. Her apartment is not far from my work (I go by it on my way to work) so I offered.

Time for an update. After texting with her last Thursday about her Vehicles being here I was really surprised Sunday morning when she texted me and said she knew it was out of the blue but she was having trouble finding someone to watch her kids so she could go to work and asked if I could watch them till 8 that night. When we were seeing a lot of each other several months ago and on good terms I watched her kids a few times on Sunday so she could work. I was really surprised she asked me this time though. I told her that would be fine and drove over and picked them up. At the end of the day when she picked them up she told me thank you and that she would pay some money to one of the tool trucks for me. I told her she did not owe me anything and that I enjoy having her kids around.

It seems she is placing a little trust in me lately for being as upset as she was. Since Sunday I have still stayed away and not talk to her with the exception of last night to text her about dropping her bike off today.

What do you gather from this? Does it seem to you like she is kind of reaching out to me in a way? I like the idea of being gracious but not going overboard. At this point does maintaining my distance seem like a good idea? I don't want to engulf her but I don't want her to feel like I've walked completely away either.

[once removed]

I thought she was just being disrespectful and cold towards me and thought I was being used so I was a little upset.
...
I would be willing to be understanding but have recently decided that I need stronger boundaries as far as what is acceptable for me. In the past I have been the people pleaser and let her walk on me a lot and hurt me a lot.

Carguy,

you are putting yourself in the position of being used. that is not to say that that is her intention. but youre putting yourself out there as a guy who will drop anything to do anything at the blink of an eye, no matter what.

someone cutting contact with you then asking you to watch their kids is a person not really operating with a sense of respect for you, or your boundaries. someone going along with it is not operating with a sense of respect for themselves.

a sense of respect for yourself is critical. its also attractive.

my point is not that you should tell her "hell no, go  yourself", or tell her off, or make some other power move.

our boundaries are tied to our values.

To me a friendship would be someone I could still text every so often and ask how they are doing and share exciting news with and chat with when I see them in the store or in public. Someone that I still care about and want to have in my life. I'm not sure if a romantic relationship his possible at this point

so is agreeing to have her vehicles on your property indefinitely, to watch her kids, to finish her dirt bike and return it to her, all for free, are these friendship moves, romantic moves, or moves of a conflicted man hoping to win her affections?

[Carguy]

I can see how I would be putting myself in that position. I love her kids and enjoyed time with them. I thought it was a little strange that it went from her telling me to stay away, to her texting about her vehicles (which I'm sure was a way for her to see where I was emotionally towards her), to asking to watch her kids.

I didn't say no because I know she doesn't really have anyone else she can ask and she needed to go to work and I wanted the kids to have somewhere to go. The only family she has here is her father whom she is not speaking to or having anything to do with and she struggles with having close friends. I know these are because of her BPD.

Is there other ways I could have handled this? I want to improve my boundaries and show respect for myself but I do care about her and her kids too.

I dropped her dirt bike off the other day and it wouldn't start so I told her someday when she had time I could stop by and take a quick look at my work and fix it.

I left and didn't contact her but a few days later I seen her at work in Walmart and stopped and asked if she was okay. She said she was fine and she was a big girl which I believe she was really stonewalling me but I told her okay. I just wanted to ask. I left and haven't talked to her since then.

I am trying to maintain some distance and keep contact low.

I guess to be honest a lot of these moves are from the conflicted man who still craves her affection. My mind says one thing and my heart says another.