Hi all, hope you had some nice times during the holidays. Thought I'd share where we're at and see what folks think about going forward.
SD11: in a "goth" phase, but still sleeps with a teddy bear...
At their school, kids stay with the same teacher for 3 years, so she's 1.5 in with the same one, which has been going well. I think the consistency will help her build an inner sense of consistency... I hope. She can be more "fragmented" than SD13, in a way, which I worry about -- she's more the kind of kid who would say "I've always hated eating cake" versus "I might have used to like cake, but I don't now"...
Mom tends to "promise" or "suggest" classes/activities that SD11 can do, then not follow through, usually saying it's "too expensive" or whatever. SD11 was "told she would be taking" an activity this fall which never happened. Now she's been told she can take a sport this winter with a friend. DH was actually told by Mom about this one, wow. We'll see if it pans out. It's a sport that SD11's PE teacher does, and she was so excited that she told him she'd be doing it. I think if Mom doesn't follow through, SD11 is still young enough and at that age where she can't let herself see that Mom didn't do it for her... time will tell...
She's been struggling with sleeping at our house, she says. Talks about being lonely and missing Mom. I just try to tell her that I'm proud of her for sharing that with me, and it makes sense that she misses Mom, it's really normal. She's moving towards what SD13 used to do -- Mom picks them up and asks SD11 "How are you?", and SD11 says "...okay..." in a neutral/down affect.
On the one hand, I remember this happening with SD13 around then (and still a little now), and it is kind of passing away, but on the other hand, I don't want it to "entrench". I've suggested to DH that we see the kids' old C, but he's kind of meh about it. I may raise it again.
DH does focus a lot on SD13, which again, makes sense because (a) personality-wise she just takes/needs/draws a lot of attention, (b) it has been a longer road back to positive relationships with her, and (c) they are more intellectually alike. SD11 doesn't necessarily verbally demand attention and has in the past had a more positive relationship with DH, so I just worry that SD11 is again going on the back burner with the focus on SD13. I guess as I write all this, I see that I need to talk w/ DH more about it. I've tried suggesting he spend more time w/ SD11 but I may need to be more direct...
SD13 has told DH that she is now "gender fluid" (as opposed to this past summer when we had the "I'm a boy" conversations. She still wears her "he/him" pronoun pins occasionally, but also wants someone to take her dress shopping. Our marriage counselor happened to see SD13 out somewhere with us, and commented to us that she seemed to be communicating, based on how she dressed, that she was not at all sure who she was. SD13 is a "fedora and sweats" kind of kid at this point, so I see his point -- as much as we do just wear what feels good to us, our clothes also send a message about our values and beliefs.
SD13 is still a "sleep with my baby blanket" kid, big time. She'll wear it around the house and has actually had two identical ones for many years. DH found a brand new version of the exact same one for her for Christmas and something about it really got to her -- I guess she got all teary eyed. She has been SUPER clingy and affectionate with DH since then, also having good conversations with him that aren't defensive.
...It's our year to have the kids for NYE. Mom texted DH a few weeks ago something like "I can't remember whose year it is for NYE" so DH said "have you checked the PP?" Mom texted back "I thought it would be faster to ask you". DH left it at that and said he wasn't going to do her work for her, so good job DH. I then had to email Mom about something SD11 was invited to on her time, and Mom wrote back with "OK. Also, you should talk to the kids, because they told me they want to be with me for NYE". So, clearly Mom somehow found out it's our year for NYE. Mom regularly has NYE parties at their place.
Anyway, I got all torqued out, but DH had a clearer head this time and moved ahead with the mindset of "it is our time with the kids, so
I'll see what they'd like to do". SD11 is now going to a sleepover with a friend
and interestingly, SD13 said she wanted to be with us (we're going on a mini out of town trip). With SD11 it was pretty clear that the sleepover was exactly what she personally wanted to do, so that was good. With SD13, I commented that she had some time to keep thinking about it, and if something came up that sounded good, she could always let us know. That the most important thing was that she would be honest with us about what she, personally, wanted to do.
DH checked in with her again the other day, just being clear: "I know Mom has a thing at her house every year, so if that is what you really want to do, my feelings won't be hurt at all". SD13 reinforced that no, she did want to "do something different" with us...
SD13 commented to DH the other night, right before when Mom picked them up, that she didn't want to go to Mom's because it was stressful there and she felt more relaxed here. I wasn't in the conversation but that was the general gist I got later. She did end up going with Mom that night...
There have been a couple of transition time stuff that has been... IDK, raised the feeling of "this never changes". One was a few weeks ago. SD11 like I mentioned is in a goth phase now -- black clothes etc. She was picking a coat to wear when Mom picked them up. Mom saw this pink coat in our closet and suggested SD11 wear it. SD11 "didn't really want to, it was kind of small". Mom came back with "well it would be warm" SD11: I dunno. Mom: Isn't that the one Grandma gave you? I think Grandma gave you that coat.
It was this whole passive/tacit thing of "You have to wear this pink coat that Grandma gave you (because I've become fixated on making you do it)" without either going the route of "I hear you don't want to wear it, and that's fine to not want to; that being said, I'd like you to have it just in case", or the route of "No problem, just pick a different coat to wear".
Then there was this whole weird "performative" thing when we were leaving on a 3 day trip with the kids; both Mom and Stepdad were there dropping the kids off. Mom got into "make sure you do your bedtime routine" with SD11. SD11 said "I don't have a bedtime routine, I've never had one". It was this whole back and forth of Mom trying to tell SD11 "of course you do, it's X Y and Z", and SD11 either saying "no it's not" or "that doesn't help", but with Mom hugging her the whole time. Finally Stepdad came over and said "you are just winding each other up" or something. Plus Mom & Stepdad's son was there and kind of clingy/crying with the kids.
...Just stuff like that keeps happening.
It was interesting, we left that exchange and went on our mini trip. Got the kids in bed fine. SD11 mentioned the next night that she discovered something helpful for her with falling asleep (a certain type of eye movement), so I said that sounded great and it's really helpful to know that about ourselves. Later that night they did ask for "relaxation" which is where I do breathing focus/guided body check in stuff with them. Got some nice smelling essential oils going in the room. SD11 was out stone cold in <15 minutes.
...
So...
overall...
It's seeming like SD13 is getting way more aware of at least a difference in feeling between being with us and being with Mom. I don't know yet if she can identify that Stepdad is part of that -- Stepdad has sort of "elevated" SD13 this whole time as his "wise helper". If any of you recall that Stepdad has been writing a book starring the kids
... points to you. Still happening. He's asked SD13 to do the illustrations. So, I think she may still believe he's the best/good guy/special, and isn't yet ready to see his part in why she's so stressed out at Mom's.
SD11 is in that "cling to Mom" phase, which seems both normal (agewise) and a little heightened because now that SD13 isn't taking up as much of Mom's attention, there's more for SD11 -- especially if SD11 is taking the role of "if I sort of complain to Mom that it's never as good at Dad's, then Mom is really loving towards me".
-->With SD11, I'm thinking that maybe more attention from DH would be good? Which is tough, because she keeps "wanting to be with Mom" and when the kids are with us, it's both of them usually, not just SD11.
-->With SD13, I'm not sure how far to go in addressing the "I'm stressed at Mom's and relaxed here, and I don't want to go back to Mom's tonight". Validating questions seem to nibble around the edges, but I don't know when the right time will be to take the dive in and say "Let's really talk straight about this."
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I hope this can encourage lurkers & members who are in a dark place with their kids. DH and I are coming from a place where SD13 used to say that DH was not her family. Now she'd rather be with him. I would have had a hard time 5 years ago believing the turnaround in her.
I hope it can also encourage parents who have kids struggling with identity issues and questions, that there is a less-known, less-discussed way to navigate it -- you can love and welcome your child while being honest about what you can and can't do because of your values and beliefs (we shared with SD13 that while we might not be able to call her "he/him", we understood that it was real for her, and gave her space to tell whoever she wanted that those were her pronouns). What this did was model for SD13 that it was completely possible to have very different values in a family, but that didn't mean rejecting people with different values, or making people with different values pretend to have yours. We could all be honest and have integrity, and that was more important than all being the same.
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Long update; thanks for sticking with it. Happy Holidays to all you guys. Always looking forward to any feedback you have!
