Help - All I want is to go back to what we had.

[Flyguy2121]

Ok so here is the story in short form

I dated my ex for 5 years in total. It was a bit of a roller coaster. She was insecure and somewhat emotionally unstable, extremely beautiful but had no idea. I fell for her quickly. It was great and hard but I was along for the ride. 2 years in she cheated on me and left. I was devastated. I worked to get her back and she finally did 3 months later. I found out about her infidelities at the beginning of our new start. I was mad and confused. She manipulated her way around them. I thought I put it in the past but sought out a sexual conversation online a few months later. Almost 3 years went by and we were in a good spot. Had a house a dog. Things were up and down but I loved her so much. One random day she went through my phone and found the conversion. She flipped out took the dog accused me of cheating for the last 3 years slandered me to everyone she could and started sleeping around. We didn’t even get to sit down and talk about it. I’m left with my life split in half. I’m not the person she thinks I am and there is nothing I can do to help her believe that. Her manic state made me look into things further. I came across bpd and she constantly shows 7 of the 9 traits. I think she has bpd and that’s all. I don’t know where to go from here. Her family and friends hate me. I’m convinced that we are finished but I don’t know how to deal with it. All I want is to go back to what we had. It’s been 2 months since the breakup.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[loyalwife]

Hi Flyguy2121
Your short form story, is so like the rest of our stories here. It sounds as though you still love this woman, and want to make it work. That is a beginning. Beware that things more than likely will not change, unless she wants to. That being said, I believe in love. Without that many of us would have given up much earlier.

Two months can feel like an eternity. Have you had any contact with her at all? When you were split up before, what brought her back to you? Sometimes, the splitting can last for a long time, especially if it is fueled by other situations going on. Also, it sounds as though her reaction was gaslighting and she has projected onto you. She has cheated and been forgiven by you. Your online sexual presence has given her fuel to turn this on you. I'm so sorry that you weren't able to discus any of this with her before she decided to leave.

I can relate with your wanting to go back to two months before the break up. It feels surreal at times. As difficult as it is to think about, now is the time for you to gather your strength. You have a house and dog together, and she will miss that. When my husband split bad on me a few years a go, he went on a wild spree across the U.S. He drove and drove, bad talked me to anyone that would listen and filed divorce papers. Eventually he came back to gather his things, and I was still there. One of the the common threads that I have noticed with those with BPD is that they need security and to know that you won't leave them (even when they deserve to be left). I hadn't cheated on him, although I am sure he did on me (gut feeling). I had to set boundaries with him at this point.  It's a line in the sand as to how much you will and will not take. But first, you have to get back together.

I'm hoping for your sake that you are able to talk to her. Remember to validate her feelings about the text messages. She must have had trust issues to have done this in the first place, as she believes she will be abandoned. It's a practice of balance and sometimes BPD's just go off balance.

Keep us posted.
You aren't alone Flyguy2121

[Flyguy2121]

Thank you so much !

She initially for a few days accused me of so many things. And said so many hurtful things. When I stood my ground and just gave her the facts of what happened she projected and then when no contact. She then 6 weeks later said I owed her 135 dollars. I took that opportunity to say that I’d pay her and that the slander needed to stop. And she needed to respect me and what we had. I also reminded her that she cheated and then she told me I was projecting. Classic. She is stunning and always picked herself apart. She never trusted me. Saying that my “past that she had herd of before we dated” made her believe I couldn’t only be with one woman. All I wanted was her. She then said that she has been working out. Lost weight and sent me a photo. I told her she always looked good. She then told me all the guys she was sleeping with now love her body so she’s projecting what she now thinks was my lack of affirmation. She won’t believe anything I say. Part of me says I should move on. But I love her so much. I feel so empty now. If I knew she was bpd and it’s just what I think. I could have helped her better. I wasn’t great at validating her feelings. I was just always confused because I did so much for her. I think I was in a sense pushing her away at times because I was hurt when she would push me away. I would say please take your walls down.

[Flyguy2121]

What brought me back before was me tho king I could be better. And I was I was around more and more intune with her emotions. And just because I love her like crazy

[loyalwife]

Hi Flyguy 2121,

She sounds like a classic BPD, and the fact that she can't trust is a trait.

She never trusted me. Saying that my “past that she had herd of before we dated” made her believe I couldn’t only be with one woman.

It is difficult to trust others, when one doesn't trust themselves. This is the predicament of loving a pwBPD. It's a push/pull romance, and if you haven't, I urge you to read "Stop walking on eggshells". There are many good resources for you to bulk up on listed on this site. Having this knowledge will help you when you need it.

It's understandable that you love her. Love just doesn't turn on and off, except for those with BPD. My husband goes through cycles of love/hate. Four years ago, I stood in a similar position. He left and was accusing me of all kinds of things, including my past before I met him. I knew that in order to recover, I needed to first take care of myself. That's when I made a tough decision; give up, or give in. I wasn't ready to give up, but I also didn't want to be discarded over and over again. The hurt is incredible. When he finally did sit down with me to have a conversation, I let him know that I was ready to let go. The crazy part of BPD is that emotions rule their decisions. He let down his 'guard' and we managed to make decide to work on our marriage. I'd read books and gotten help from this forum. Without that, I don't think it would have happened. Validation is an important tool, as you mentioned. We all like to feel as though we are being heard. When you said,

I would say please take your walls down.

unfortunately, she doesn't realize that she has walls. The walls are mistrust.

I'm so sorry that you are feeling empty Take this time, to look inside of yourself. Go to the gym, eat healthy and see your friends. She will respond better if she thinks that you are moving on, as that may not be what she wants at all. If you are depressed and 'needy', it will be seen as a weakness. Hold your head high, and value yourself. I'm a bit of a romantic that believes that love can conquer all, in most cases. Loving someone with BPD takes stamina and determination. It's been a rocky five year marriage for me, and always will be. It's possible to adjust to the moods and outbursts, and the main ingredient is change within yourself.

You did as much as you could with the information you had. Now, you have new hope and a whole new family that understands.