Threatening text

[kma79]

I've posted on here a few times about my bpd mother. She seemed to be having worse issues over the holidays and rotated through several of her family members with abusive texts, especially on Thanksgiving. She escalated her texting with me today and started sending such abusive and horrible texts. She had totally twisted around something that happened years ago when she visited my house. She was raging in front of my kids during this visit, so I had to tell her to leave. She says she remembers everything that went on during her visit with "visual clarity" and says that my family forced her to leave because we don't like her. I refused to answer any of the texts with anger this time. There is no use trying to tell her any truth because she won't believe it. I only texted to her that I won't argue with her and don't want to keep doing this. Since I didn't get baited into a fight with her, she sent a video of a girl motioning me to come forward and then hauling off and hitting/punching out at the camera. That was the last message that she sent. I didn't respond. I don't think I can take anymore of her manipulation. One day she loves me, and the next day she HATES me! When is enough enough to finally decide to go NC?   

[Choosinghope]

I'm so sorry that happened to you. I'm thankful that my mom has never been threatening like that, but I can imagine how horrible that feels. I think that you did the completely right thing in not responding. I feel like a response would just reinforce that threats will get the reaction she wants, which is a terrifying thing to think about.

When is enough enough to finally decide to go NC?   

Unfortunately, no one can decide that except you. I chose to go no contact because the thought of interacting with my mom after her latest eruption made me physically ill. I couldn't eat without extreme nausea for about a week and lost 5 pounds when my H insisted that I at least give myself a mental break so that I could heal and start living normally. My T completely agreed with that approach because of how toxic the relationship had become to me. I still have no idea when or how to regain contact in the future, but I feel very confident that this has been the right course for me. Some things that you might think about are:
1) Is your relationship with her negatively affecting your nuclear family?
2) Is the relationship negatively affecting your quality of life?
3) Is your continued relationship with her actually helping or hurting her?

Beyond that, it is your call to make. Something that really helped me was the discussion with my T about how no contact doesn't have to be forever. It can be for however long I choose based upon growth and progress. It might be forever; it might be 6 months. But at the end of the day, it is my choice. And realistically, you have much more power in this relationship than you feel like you have. Best wishes!

[Methuen]

A final thought to add to Choosinghope's list:

4) Is your relationship with her bringing you any positive benefit?  

Relationships normally bring benefit to both people when the relationship is healthy.  Even some unhealthy relationships can still have benefit, even though the benefit may be unbalanced between the two people.  A really unhealthy relationship is when one person feels the relationship is bringing nothing positive to their life.  I do not believe there is a duty to stay in a relationship if that relationship is not bringing anything positive, or if it is abusive. As painful as it is to be NC with a mother, NC can be as long or short as you want.  The goal is to stay feeling safe, physically and emotionally.

I refused to answer any of the texts with anger this time.

Good for you.  The texts are her hook to bait you with.   Silence is the strongest message possible.

[kma79]

Thank you Choosinghope. I'm so sorry that you are dealing with similar things with your mom. I also feel like my relationship with my mom causes me to feel physically sick. When I see a call or text from her, I feel like throwing up, and that feeling lasts most of the day after that. The list from you and Methuen was very helpful and eye-opening for me. I think my relationship with my mom is affecting my family because the anxiety it causes me keeps me from enjoying my life and family. My mind is most always elsewhere and worrying about that relationship. I am too wrapped up in constant thought of my mom and what she will do next, so that definitely sounds unhealthy to me once I write it down. I guess the reason why I continue to stay active in the relationship is because I feel like I would be abandoning her if I take a break from the relationship, but maybe our relationship isn't good for her either if she feels like she can keep repeating the same abusive cycle with me. I have gone NC with her in the past for long lengths of time, but I came to that decision when she had the police come to my house because I wasn't responding to her. I don't want it to go that far this time. I want to be stronger and make better decisions.

Methuen, thanks for the relationship advice as well. When I think about your question, I can't think of anything positive the relationship brings to me. It mainly only brings me pain and anxiety. Her lifetime criticism of me and any friends I have ever made has caused me to live like I'm in hiding. That is a good goal to stay feeling safe, physically and emotionally. I have always felt emotionally unsafe with my mom. Like every sound or reaction from her causes lightning to shoot through me, and that is so unhealthy.

I so much appreciate the chance to vent safely on here. Thanks so much for the responses. 

[TelHill]

Thank you Choosinghope. I'm so sorry that you are dealing with similar things with your mom. I also feel like my relationship with my mom causes me to feel physically sick. When I see a call or text from her, I feel like throwing up, and that feeling lasts most of the day after that. The list from you and Methuen was very helpful and eye-opening for me. I think my relationship with my mom is affecting my family because the anxiety it causes me keeps me from enjoying my life and family. I have gone NC with her in the past for long lengths of time, but I came to that decision when she had the police come to my house because I wasn't responding to her. I don't want it to go that far this time. I want to be stronger and make better decisions.

Methuen, thanks for the relationship advice as wel Like every sound or reaction from her causes lightning to shoot through me, and that is so unhealthy. 

Hi kma79,

I'm so sorry your mother sent you that text. That's very disturbing.  You may want to save that text in case she reports you to the cops again. It's good evidence to prove her mental instability.

I relate to your story.  My dBPD mom has threatened violence to my enabler dad. She told me a story when I was a kid of her putting a plastic bag over a baby's head to see if the baby would cry. I think it's fake- no plastic bags 65 years ago.   I freeze from fear when she's in a foul mood; it's difficult to leave the house at those times. I had plans today to run many errands. Could not go.

I wonder if my mom would have been one of the institutionalized mentally ill if it weren't for my enabler dad. 

I'm involved with my elderly dBPD mom because of ongoing physical medical problems and many doctor's visits. My older sibling has some behavioral problems so he is not one to help.

Good luck and please vent when you need to. The advice at this site is smart, but takes effort and practice.