Broken up, but I'm trying to repair

[greatEmuWar]

Hi all, first post here.

I've been reading for sometime and finally decided to post my situation. My ex (30f) and I (33m) broke up about a month ago though it really didn't seem like what either of us wanted. I've known her for just under a year. We met at work and very quickly felt a deep connection. We started dating in March and this is our second breakup. I took responsibility for the first breakup. Both of us had gotten out of situations where we were cheated on and it's certainly possible I just wasn't ready for a serious relationship. I took time to work on myself and determine what I really wanted in life and in a relationship. I found I greatly regretted our breakup and wanted her back in my life. It took some time, but we did eventually get back together. Our second time around was much more intense, but was extremely fulfilling. She even lived with me for some time. I was so happy.

Around this time, however, some concerning behavior started to crop up. Whenever we had disagreements she would threaten the end of the relationship. Very small issues seemed blown way out of proportion. She seemed extremely defensive. I did not know how to handle any of this effectively. Everything I knew to be helpful in previous relationships did not seem to work and sometimes made situations worse. It wasn't until the very end that I stumbled onto some information about BPD. It seemed to explain all of the behavior (she is not diagnosed, but I strongly suspect). Unfortunately when I first started learning about the disorder I happened to read a lot of material that I now consider to be... alarmist and unfair. Most of what I read told me to leave at all costs and that she was beyond saving. This led to me withdrawing into myself. I was filled with guilt and did not want to hurt her, but I didn't feel there was another option.

It wasn't until after we separated that I started reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder". I understand her behavior so much better now. I'm filled with compassion for her. The pain she must feel on a regular basis. Even though she had several blowups at me and her moods were extremely turbulent, she really is one of the most compassionate, sweetest, loving people I've ever met. I've never stopped loving her. I so much want to figure this out, get her some help, and be a supporting and healing influence in her life. I love every piece of her, even the parts that are sometimes painful. I just feel like she really is my person...

As for where we're at currently: It's complicated... When we broke up we were essentially in no contact. I reached out on her birthday in early December via text which resulted in a long and pleasant phone call. Since then, our contact has gradually been increasing. We see each other at work and it's still very clear we love each other. We've exchanged "I love yous". We are in text communication everyday. Most nights we will talk on the phone before bed as one of our favorite things to do is to fall asleep on the phone together and just leave the phones connected while we sleep. I bought her some Christmas gifts and a belated birthday present.

I'm honestly just not certain how to proceed. It seems so clear that we want to be together. I'd like to do some couple's counseling with her and try again. Sometimes she has moments of clarity and has said "she should probably get some help", but I think she's just so afraid of what that would mean. I believe she's afraid of the stigma and how she would feel about herself. I'm also nervous to press the issue as I know something like this is a very sensitive topic.

I feel like my new-found understanding of BPD traits would allow me to have a happy and functional relationship with her while I gently attempt to suggest therapy. I know I cannot heal her, but I can help provide someone to feel safe with and talk to. I'm the only one she's ever opened up to about her past abuses and family issues. It is crushing me to know the person I love is in so much pain. I also do not know how to move forward. I would like to reestablish our relationship, but I would guess she's scared of that.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? She hasn't painted me black, it doesn't seem. In fact, she still seems to very much value and love me. She's still very encouraging and complimentary of me. I suppose I haven't communicated directly to her that I would like to get back together. I'm been trying to avoid pressuring her.

I know there are plenty of details left out, but I didn't want to write a novel for my first post... any thoughts?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[GaGrl]

Your compassion and empathy for your former partner are very strong.

Welcome!    We're glad you've found your way to us, although the reason is certainly stressful for you.

You have suggested that she join you in therspy. On a scale of 1 to 10, how likely is this to happen?

What level of success do you anticipate should she not agree to do serious work on her emotional/psychological issues?

[greatEmuWar]

Thanks for the warm welcome. Just having somewhere to discuss some of this and get it out is a relief...

I think there is a 6/10 chance that she would join me in couple's therapy. I also somewhat see this is a pathway to hopefully get her some more specific help. I know therapy can be scary. If she wanted it, I would take her to individual sessions, a DBT group, or even sit in occasionally if it would be productive.

As to your other question... I know that my heart wants to say we'll be successful either way. I want to believe that my compassion and understanding can give her room to heal. But, that's not really how PDs work... My personal assessment is that she is high-functioning. She may not even display enough traits to be diagnosed. However, she displays some traits very clearly. I'm not certain what level of success we could attain. I think, without professional help, that depends on my ability to stay patient, adapt, and love extremely deeply and consistently. I believe I am capable of this while gently moving toward therapy.

[Flyguy2121]

She’s says she won’t see me. I’ve asked 3 times for at the very least closure. We went to therapy at first I think she was under the impression that it would shoe that I needed work. When the therapist said that I was a good guy and in her corner she didn’t want to go anymore. It didn’t fit her narrative I guess. At this point she would say no. 1 or 2 out of 10 chance. I think she knows that she needs some sort of work. I think it’s to painful for her to really get into it. If I brought up the fact that I thought she had BPD it would be a huge thing for her. She would go crazy I think.