Hormones and reactions

[Cpete18]

I’m sorry if this is too much information but I’ll try and be vague. My husband with BPD traits and I are both 38. I can usually not take anything he says personally and stay calm, however, during certain times of the month when I am hormonal we tend to get in huge fights. This is when I take everything he says personally and I tend to have a negative attitude towards him. He will say something rude or be negative in general and I will point it out and he lashes out and I return it. Then he gets really mean and I end up crying. It’s a terrible cycle and it’s so hard to break.

The difference is, when we get angry at each other, I tend to just get a little angry and then I’ll get over it shortly after, however he can not get a little angry. Every time he gets a little upset it turns into a war and he goes for the jugular. I don’t know how to stay calm and react well when my emotions are so high during these times.

Him threatening divorce and telling me marrying me was the biggest mistake he’s ever made every time we don’t agree on something starts wearing on a person. There is a lot of stress and change happening in our lives right now so I know it is not going to get better before it gets worse. These changes are good things and most couples would be excited, but any change to my husband is a huge trigger.

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[loyalwife]

Hi Cpete18,

It is difficult to be the only one in a couple that can remain calm and centered. When you spoke of your husbands outbursts and anger, it reminded me of how I feel when faced with my BPD husband when he goes ballistic. As you explained that he lashes out, you return it and then it just makes it worse. And yes, it is a cycle. We aren't machines without emotions, so dealing with this type of person is tricky.

When your husband begins to heat up, there are some things you can tell yourself that may help you not respond negatively. These are things I learned to tell myself: "He's ranting and I cannot change his reaction"  "He has an illness, and is sick. He can't control his emotions, but I can". Over time, I then found that I changed how I reacted even to the point that I just calmly said "We can return to this later. For now, I think it best to leave it". Remove yourself. Go into the kitchen for a snack, take a bath, walk the dog or just meditate. As you master self composure, his ranting will be less. He needs your reaction and is looking for it. My husband has said exactly the same thing to me about 'the biggest mistake' and 'divorce'. He has even served me divorce papers twice to the tune of $10,000 in lawyer fees. I realize that when he says mean things to you it hurts, and words can hurt more than physical abuse as they seem to stay forever. When he threatens divorce, what do you say? Bottom line is that it's impossible to rationalize with a madman. It's good to validate and make him feel heard and important, but when the words turn to venom then you must protect yourself.

Threats and ultimatums are never fair, but these are the kind of ammo BPD's use. They know us so well; all the buttons. You are both young, with a good life ahead of you and good things happening.  Has your husband seen a therapist? Does he ever admit that his anger and mood get away from him?

Change is extremely tough for a BPD. Regardless of good/bad it's different. Are there other triggers that you have noticed?  Hang in there. With some practice it will get easier, it doesn't go away, but it becomes less hard.