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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Fiancee has ended engagement  (Read 386 times)
Bittlecat
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Engaged originally on Dec 2017. Have not seen her or contacted her from July 2019 to Dec 2019.
Posts: 86



« on: December 31, 2019, 12:37:01 PM »

First post on this board.
After the seventh time of returning my ring and ending our engagement, she told me we could be friends, but only bc " we never had sex"! Hmmm, I guess I was just dreaming!
My ex bp/ubpd girlfriend is so far from reality that I'm somewhat amazed.
She told me goodbye, go away and stay away bc she didn't want to go to a bday party given by my family for my nephews one year old son.
I had not contacted her since early July 2019, and many times longed for her, yet many more hoped she would not contact me and spoil my plans for the day!
The more distance and time from her, as well as reading posts from others, I see the damage done, how I lost me. Who the heck am I? Where are all the things I stood for? All the stuff I used to do? I bent every rule, every boundary
 ( almost), to try to make her happy and keep our relationship together.
I was advised many times to leave, that this was a toxic relationship, to dodge that bullet, and one said " no, a freaking missile"!
They were right! 100% right!
I'm just starting to put things back together, and myself back to who and what I was.
My bp/ubpd gf sent me a message that she is going to start paying me back the the money I put out for her health care, her vet bills, and house payments. Ha! Another text came later explaining she won't start this month as planned, but next.( early in Dec and late this month)
At this point, while I miss her, at least the good times, I don't want to see her or talk to her.
- BC

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Bittlecat
**
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Engaged originally on Dec 2017. Have not seen her or contacted her from July 2019 to Dec 2019.
Posts: 86



« Reply #1 on: January 01, 2020, 02:08:54 AM »

Here are the lyrics to " Glass":

Trying to live and love with a heart that can't be broken is like trying to see the light with eyes that can't be opened
Yeah, we both carry baggage we picked up on our way
So if you love me do it gently, and I will do the same
We may shine, we may shatter, we may be picking up the pieces here on after
We are fragile, we are human, we are shaped by the light we let through us
But we break fast, cause we are glass, we are glass
I'll let you look inside me through the stains and through the cracks
And in the darkness of this moment, you'll see the good and the bad
But try not to judge me cause we've walked down different paths
But it brought us here together, so I won't take that back
We might be oil and water, this could be a big mistake,
We might burn like gasoline and fire its a chance we'll have to take
We may shine, we may shatter, we may be picking up the pieces here on after
We are fragile, we are human, we are shaped by the light we let through us
But we break fast, cause we are glass, we are glass

How do I pick up the pieces? How do I make them into someone? How do I make me?
Where do go from here?
-BC
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Gemsforeyes
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Ended 2/2020
Posts: 1130


« Reply #2 on: January 01, 2020, 02:35:29 AM »

Hi my friend... Happy New Year.

I know you’re feeling sad tonight, or today, wherever you are.  We always hold out hope that all amends and apologies will be offered, accepted and laid to rest before holiday time.  Sadly, things don’t always work out that way.  And sometimes that’s for the better.  It may not feel like that now, but in time, in time.  It will.  I hope you’ll see that.

You have ALWAYS been there.  But, BC... we get lost in these relationships, as we twist and turn ourselves inside out trying all we can to make our disordered partners “happy”.  And still they’re not.  We cannot “fix” what is so deeply broken, the things they deny are even IN them.

So for you, today, begin to pick up your pieces by knowing that you are good just as you are.  You always were.  If YOU’VE noticed things in you that YOU wish to change or strengthen, then work on those things.  For you and no one else.

And where you go from here?  Up and forward.  At your pace.  Ask for help and a little push and encouragement from those you love and who love you.  Tell your friends and family you need that little push... to move up and forward.  And try not to fight yourself.

That BC, is what I have at this late hour (or very early hour) on this early day in 2020.

May the best of 2019 be the WORST of 2020.

Hugs to you.

Gemsforeyes
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Bittlecat
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Engaged originally on Dec 2017. Have not seen her or contacted her from July 2019 to Dec 2019.
Posts: 86



« Reply #3 on: January 01, 2020, 02:42:43 AM »

Every time I try to pick up the pieces, I get cut again, bleeding and experiencing pain, sometimes as bad as the pain inflicted by my ex bp/ubpd gf!
And many times the slivers remain in the wound as it heals only to create more discomfort and cause to reopen old wounds.
-BC
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Bittlecat
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Engaged originally on Dec 2017. Have not seen her or contacted her from July 2019 to Dec 2019.
Posts: 86



« Reply #4 on: January 01, 2020, 02:55:27 AM »

Hey Gemsforeyes
Thank you for your reply and encouragement!
I am almost 2 hours into a new year and am trying to move forward.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
( And TY for the hugs, I surely needed some)
Much Obliged and a big hug back!
-BC
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Gemsforeyes
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Ended 2/2020
Posts: 1130


« Reply #5 on: January 01, 2020, 03:08:06 AM »

I think I understand.  Maybe...

Here’s what I feel from however many thousands of miles away.  During the last seven months there likely wasn’t real healing or detaching taking place for you, BC.  There was waiting.  Could that be correct?  At all?  While we wait, we punish ourselves with so many “what if’s”.  We’re unfair to ourselves.  Our pwBPD don’t do that to themselves.  This I know for a pretty certain fact.

Are you spending time “punishing” yourself?  Second guessing everything you did or didn’t do during the course of the relationship?

Once you DECIDE to turn your corner, and move up and forward, you are allowed to stop questioning yourself.  You can set yourself free from this punishment.

The only question now is - are you ready to do that?  Can you treat yourself with compassion, kindness and love?

Warmly,
Gems

And p.s.  thank you for the big hug back!  I’m 4 hours into the NY and I’d better get to sleep.  I don’t drink so I’m wide awake; but I’ll be useless tomorrow, and BPDbf will be unhappy with me.
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Bittlecat
**
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Engaged originally on Dec 2017. Have not seen her or contacted her from July 2019 to Dec 2019.
Posts: 86



« Reply #6 on: January 01, 2020, 09:40:33 PM »

Hey Gemsforeyes
Here is another TY and a hug!
Yes to all your questions.
I did wait for the first couple of months, and did the wishes and what ifs sometimes many times a day.
But tried to move forward and do what and how I wanted, and the wishes and the what ifs only happened rarely, and had stopped. I don't want any contact with bp/ubpd exgf, but it was hard to do the holidays, and I've been moving my stuff out of a house were many memories can flooding back. I got buried in wishes and what ifs.
I took many steps forward, and then fell back.
I can only say I'm glad you were and are there to encourage and get me back on the path again.
I am beholden to you and Much Obliged!
-BC
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Bittlecat
**
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Engaged originally on Dec 2017. Have not seen her or contacted her from July 2019 to Dec 2019.
Posts: 86



« Reply #7 on: January 04, 2020, 01:14:48 AM »

Hey Gemsforeyes
Thus time of year is so very hard for me, I'm sure, bc I proposed to EX bp/ubpd gf on Christmas day 2017.
Angry with her, angry with myself for keeping the relationship going for so long, and not seeing what was happening even after reading posts and information presented here along with numerous books and thousands of dollars on therapists for her and I. Constantly thinking I could handle this, I'm that special person.
But I can't really be angry with her, she has a problem she didn't ask for or even deserve, lives in constant HELL, with conflict, confusion and chaos! She's at the top of her game and unable to admit to, and even recognize her issues.
I do feel a certain level of compassion for her, while she seems to be condemned to spend her life this way, and reign down hell to everyone else.
But the damage I allowed upon myself will take a long time to heal, and many times I wonder if I'll ever get back to me.
I am afraid of another relationship, and while I was approached, I was curt and literaly fled the scene, scared of even saying more than "hey".
I surely wish you the best for 2020, both you and your bpd bf!
Thanks
-BC

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BrokenSpokane
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 64


non-BPD was with BPD and healing


« Reply #8 on: January 04, 2020, 01:51:21 AM »

I feel your pain. Relationships with people with BPD are intoxicating and addicting. I'm three and a half months NC and although I'm getting better, I still think about her on some level. I don't crave being with her anymore, but I wonder what she's doing.

I've been going to weekly therapy sessions since September. It's helped immensely, for I've been healing and putting my life back together. I was depleted of all self-esteem and self-worth. I gave her everything over and over. Everytime she would rage at me, call me names, belittle me, give sarcastic remarks, make jabs at every word I said, twisting it around. Every circular argument where there was no answer, nothing I would say or do was right. I would change, do things better, then she'd change the rules.
I felt like I was literally going crazy.

It takes time. Writing. Sharing. The more I worked on myself, the less power I find myself giving her inside my head. I was manipulated and controlled for so long, I lost myself. I had to find myself so I can love myself myself again. No one else needs to love me, except myself.

I'm happy today. I do things for myself, no one else. But it has taken time. I recognize when she pops in my thoughts and I divert my attention and thoughts elsewhere.

It's like recovering from an addiction. I just continue to stop thinking about her. I used to think about her and the relationship before we got married (it was actually good and her BPD didn't expose itself fully until after we moved in together).

Anyway. I feel for you. Keep doing things for yourself. Love yourself. Do what makes you happy.
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Bittlecat
**
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Engaged originally on Dec 2017. Have not seen her or contacted her from July 2019 to Dec 2019.
Posts: 86



« Reply #9 on: January 10, 2020, 12:45:45 AM »

Hey BrokenSpokane
Thanks for taking the time to post your comments.
Thanks for the encouraging words! It means alot, and is very helpful.
I am glad this all happened now, before marriage, as going through a divorce has got be the worst!

Wishing you the best
-BC
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