Grieving partner leads to bad breakup, struggling to get closure

[nervousgumball]

Hi there! This forum has been so helpful to me in my breakup with my partner of 8 months and I would be so grateful for advice.

About a month ago, my boyfriend with BPD broke up with me. The breakup itself was pretty ugly, there were some hurtful things said on mostly my end. The breakup was so hurtful to me because my ex's mom passed away 6 months ago. Ever since then, I have been by his side, doing everything in my power to be supportive and patient. We were very close throughout the entire process. He relied on me for everything and I gave him emotional and financial support. I had given him space and was understanding (for the most part) of him being emotionally distant and essentially neglectful of me for the final month or so. We began arguing occasionally, as it was frustrating on my end to have him cut off communication for days at a time, come back and rely on me for intense emotional support and favors, and then disappear again.

The breakup itself happened after I had thrown him a birthday party. Even through he had been treating me coldly the week before, he came around and talked to me the day of his birthday. I knew it would be a hard birthday since it was the first one since his mom passed away so I decided to be there for him in the best way I could. That night he accused me of being "toxic" and "disgusting" over a small argument that escalated on both of our parts. His reactions were unwarranted and hurt me quite bad, so I began arguing back (which I should have walked away ugh). He threw me out of his apartment at 5 am. The following two weeks were a blend of him wanting to get back together and then taking it back. We spent Thanksgiving together and he wanted me to help host his thanksgiving party, constantly referred to me as his girlfriend and then told me a few days later he "didn't want to be in a relationship" over the phone. I was so emotionally stretched thin from it all that I lost it. I yelled at him over the phone, I said mean childish things I wish I could have taken back. Granted I was very hurt, felt very used, and was very confused, I wish I could have communicated myself better than with a string of angry text messages.

He originally blocked me for around a week, said I was the most toxic person in his life. I was unblocked, so I apologized and told him I loved him. We determined at that time to talk in person after the Holidays after I suggested it. His last message to me was "Love you too. It is okay. I know I have been tense and on edge. It is a tense and difficult situation". We since have not spoken to each other for 3 weeks now.

I have never been through a breakup like this before. It is hard for me to take a step back and analyze it. On one hand, I feel angry I was taken advantage of.  On the other hand, I feel terrible for feeling angry because I know he has BPD and went through a traumatic loss recently. I know I still love him. I am having a hard time moving on because the breakup itself was so ugly and ended on such a vague note after everything we had been through.

It is now almost the end of the holidays which is when I agreed to meeting up in person to talk about it. I feel like it will fall on me to reach out and see if he wants to still talk. I am afraid to, thinking he could react coldly or see me as needy or "toxic" and wonder if it's best just to forget about it. But on the other hand, I am feeling guilty for not following through, struggling to come to peace everything that happened, feeling guilty over saying hurtful things, and am genuinely wondering how he is doing.

Do I follow through with my plans and reach out to my ex for closure? Or do I just do my best to leave it and not subject myself to potential excess hurt? I have never gone through such a complicated relationship before. Pls help

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[Ozzie101]

Hi, nervousgumball!

Break-ups involving BPD can be extra painful. I'm sorry. If you look around the site, you'll notice many other people going through the same (or similar) thing -- the lack of closure, the bewildering emotions, the "what the heck just happened?" Have you read this article? https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

Are you now or have you ever been in therapy? I and many other members here find that helpful in achieving our own clarity.

Here's the thing: You want closure. Yet, under the circumstances, you may never get it. He has a mental illness and may, genuinely, be unable to provide that for you. You can reach out to him, but from the pattern that's been established, it may go exactly how your other encounters have gone.

What would closure look like for you? Have you really thought about that?