So here a question about my ex BPD being hypocritical.

[527East]

In any relationship it should be 50/50 when it comes to the health of it.  My relationship ended and I don't know if I could say I didn't give more than 50/50 but whatever.  Anyways back in August I admitted to my ex bpd gf that I had a habit of looking at pornography and was introduced to sites to buy hookers 3 years ago when I worked on the railroad line.  Going from town to town with guys always having a girl to hook up with was interesting to me.  So my pornography habit started to turn into looking at hookers.  Part of the problem with this is I have traits of a Schizoid disorder where I am more prone to addictions.  Anyways back to my ex.  I told her I would seek treatment, go to therapy, put blockers on the electronic devices etc.  Even though I never paid for a hooker but still looked for them online and viewed porn I told her to me this was a form a being unfaithful.  Obviously she was mad. 

During this time tying to work through my recovery I found out on her instragram that she follows pornstars herself and liked photos of scantily clad women.  I didn't bring this up with her after our relationship ended because what's that gonna do.  But here she is jealous of female friends I had that she wanted me to defriend on facebook...told me to stop looking at porn...I did all this yet there she is the same day looking and liking at a nicollete shea video on instragram .  Mind boggling hypocrisy to me.  You don't look at porn or lust over women...but I am able to do that.

Did I miss something? Anyone experience this type of hypocrisy in their relationship.

[BrokenSpokane]

Hypocrisy was a daily thing in my relationship. My therapist points out that it was by design. She would make a rule, but then the rule would change. It's done in purpose, for it's a form of manipulation. Keep me roped in and guessing.
Small examples:
She would like it when I would come to our room and check in with her after her long day at work. Just a hey, I love you, how was your day thing. Then she'd like to decompress (really all she did was text her emotional affair guy, they would text for hours every single day). Then, the last month we were together, she got mad at me that I wouldn't leave her alone when she got home. So, she changed the rules.

Another:
Hypocrisy. Her two dogs peed in the house every single day. Not an exaggeration. I would clean it up. She never did unless I pointed it out. We set up a camera and proved it was them. Yet, if my dog growled or barked out the window, she was a bitch and she'd yell at her. Her dog peed on stuff of mine and ruined them. Her dog chewed up several pairs of shoes. My exBPD never acknowledged the behavior, didn't relate anything. But if my dog would of done something like that, I would of had to get rid of her.

If my son was in his room, he was, 'hibernating'. Her son literally spent the entire summer on the couch and his room. Never went outside, played, did any chores (she'd tell him he'd have to but never enforced or disciplined him). She cleaned out 5 garbage bags of garbage out of her son's room (not an exaggeration). She wouldn't make him clean up after himself, say thank you, speak nicely to others... Nothing. She never disciplined him for his childish behavior when he wouldn't get his way. Threw tantrums, yelled, tore up things. She'd just sit there and let him do whatever. No discipline. Yet, she'd criticize my kids for perceived behavior. She'd say it was weird my kids said thank you.

Anyway, hypocrisy was everywhere. Rules didn't apply to her, her kids, her dogs. But, she'd be hypercritical to others.

Man, why in the hell did I stay?

[SinisterComplex]

Brokenspokane...First, understand asking why you stayed just shows you gave it your all. Don't feel any guilt or shame for it. Be relieved. You should have no regrets.

Additionally, to help you understand why you think and feel the way you do as it pertains to staying...there are various factors. Male ego and pride are a big part of it. However, the ego and pride had to get activated. Essentially you had your defenses get weakened by a virus that was implanted. Nothing more nothing less. Don't beat yourself up over it. Sh*t happens and it has happened to the best of us. You live and you learn. You were taken advantage of and you were manipulated. You were going about things from an innocent open heart point of view. The other side was analyzing you the entire time for weaknesses to exploit. It was a game of control the entire time. That part is by design. However, please do not demonize the person...demonize the disorder. It is not responsibility to fix them though. You served your time and penance and now it is time for you to learn the valuable life lessons from the experience so you can live a happier and fuller life...this is the only choice to make and the only step to take. Want better, expect better, do better!

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[SinisterComplex]

527...to understand the hypocrisy you must understand how a disordered person's mind is wired. It is based from a child's point of view. Unfortunately the person you think is an adult is emotionally a child. So when you look through that lens it is easier to understand that the hypocrisy is par for the course and comes from the place of thinking like a child.

Have you ever argued with a child? Ever disciplined a child or bared witness to it? See where I am going with this? Children are hypocritical because they do not know any better. They have not developed sound reasoning and logic yet. Same thing for disordered individuals emotionally. Now this is where trying to understand it should end. Going beyond this will just keep you trapped in the loop and you will not heal and process.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[PeteWitsend]

It would blow my mind how pwBPD can actually take the time to intentionally be manipulative & create conflict.  But at the same time, be very toddler-like, and immature in terms of throwing tantrums and blowing up when they don't get their way, or something doesn't go their way.

Their emotional and moral development may have been stunted at age 3 (or whatever), but their ability to learn to manipulate those around them to get the results they want is extraordinarily advanced. 

[BrokenSpokane]

Brokenspokane...First, understand asking why you stayed just shows you gave it your all. Don't feel any guilt or shame for it. Be relieved. You should have no regrets.

Additionally, to help you understand why you think and feel the way you do as it pertains to staying...there are various factors. Male ego and pride are a big part of it. However, the ego and pride had to get activated. Essentially you had your defenses get weakened by a virus that was implanted. Nothing more nothing less. Don't beat yourself up over it. Sh*t happens and it has happened to the best of us. You live and you learn. You were taken advantage of and you were manipulated. You were going about things from an innocent open heart point of view. The other side was analyzing you the entire time for weaknesses to exploit. It was a game of control the entire time. That part is by design. However, please do not demonize the person...demonize the disorder. It is not responsibility to fix them though. You served your time and penance and now it is time for you to learn the valuable life lessons from the experience so you can live a happier and fuller life...this is the only choice to make and the only step to take. Want better, expect better, do better!

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

Thank you, you're right. I married the woman and made a commitment to her. It was my pride and ego. I wanted it to work and took all the blame and responsibility from both sides to make it work.

I pray for her health, happiness and prosperity every day. Helps diminish the anger and resentment.

For a long time I did separate the person and the behavior. Before we were married and moved in, she was a good person. Her BPD didn't fully expose itself until after we were married and moved in together. So, yeah, I certainly was separating out the behavior from her, for I knew the person before all the anger and belittling.

On the flip side, the more I learned about the disorder, the more I realized all her behavior before we got married was all a ruse, a ploy, all calculated manipulation to get what she wants.

Sad, really when I think about it. But, moving on and I'm grateful I only put up with the whole of her for 9 months (that's how long our marriage lasted).