Sharing traits and behaviors with BPD because we were raised by them?

[safeplace]

I've read quite a few books lately on BPD and sometimes I find myself having uncomfortable moments when I recognize some of the same behaviors in myself. Let me clarify, I got into codependent recovery 3 years ago, so most of these behaviors were pre-recovery and all of them are or were grounded in the fear of abandonment from my childhood. My mother is BPD. I understand that there is likely a genetic component, along with our unique childhood experiences, but ultimately it is also grounded in abandonment.

I'm wondering if others who were raised by BPD parents have had this experience when looking at the traits and behaviors? I think it only makes sense that we interact with the world the way we were taught by our caregivers, which means I probably learned BPD behaviors, coupled with the extreme abandonment of having a BPD mother who is emotionally abusive and doesn't know how to love. Thankfully I have changed, am changing, and have regret over those things.  Thanks for reading.

[Harri]

Hi safeplace and welcome!

I'm wondering if others who were raised by BPD parents have had this experience when looking at the traits and behaviors?

I have.  I don't see how any of us can get out of the childhoods we had without having learned or acquired at least some of the traits and comping mechanisms.  It's okay.   Self-awareness and a desire and determination to learn better ways to cope and process emotions are what matter.

Also, a lot of people have abandonment issues or attachment issues as well as a lot of the behaviors found in people with BPD (pwBPD).  There is lots of overlap with BPD and PTSD, co-dependency, anxiety, depression, etc. 

Thankfully I have changed, am changing, and have regret over those things.  Thanks for reading.

What sort of things have you done in the past?  What has helped you?

[zachira]

You are asking if those of us who were raised by a person with BPD if we see BPD traits and behaviors in ourselves. Great question and self awareness. I was raised by a BPD mom and in a very dysfunctional extended family, and the answer to your question is yes. I went to years of therapy to get help in becoming a mature adult, so I wouldn't continue to behave like my relatives with BPD and NPD. You have the self awareness to look at how you might be affected and have worked on things you wanted to change, a major step in becoming a separate person from your family and a person in your own right that you and others can be proud of.

[TelHill]

Yes, indeed! It was one that served me well as a child to defend myself: making a lot of noise, sharp questioning and snappy comebacks at dBPD mom's rages/putdowns. 

I tend to do this now when I think someone is taking advantage of me.   It is counterproductive in a lot of areas. Thanks to this site, I'm learning other ways to set boundaries -- especially with dysfunctional family issues.

[safeplace]

Thanks, guys. It is always good to know I am not alone in this and I am not crazy.

I think for me I have some regrets on emotional manipulation that was based in an extreme fear of abandonment. I have done amends on those things. Thankfully now that I have worked on learning to love myself for the past three years, I don't feel the need to do that. Yay for hard work!

[Methuen]

I just want to chime in "me too".  I think being aware of it hopefully gives us an edge to be different, if we are willing to do the work to be different.  I think it's going to be something I always have to be on guard about.  The people who have NO awareness, or are in denial, and no desire to be different from their mom, are the ones who are most at risk of those same traits we are all afraid of.  Or so I hope.

[safeplace]

I agree. I actually think the people who can't see it are probably suffering from BPD.  The fact that we can have clarity, remorse, and change proves we do not.