I'm scared of my wife. Terrified of her actually.

[Lost Husband]

I'm scared of my wife. Terrified of her actually. She has BPD. I was trained as a Paramedic and never in my life thought that I would be confronted by something as difficult as this. My wife "I truly do love her" but I don't know if I can handle this anymore. She has attempted to convince me to kill myself by saying "Your worth more dead than alive anyway, you should go to the garage and kill yourself and just get it over with already!" and by luck once I had the gun in my mouth I woke up, ran back in the house and tried to get my 2 week old daughter from her. She was holding my daughter so tight her face was pink, a struggle ensued, my wife made a strange scream and I ran to the phone calling 911. What I didn't know at the time was while I was calling 911 she was calling her uncle who's a lawyer. Needless to say "being male" I was arrested, however the charges were dropped as once the full police report came through that she had told me to kill myself rendered the entire thing moot. She has screamed at me, thrown a laptop at me, thrown drinks in my face, swore at me, spit at me and yet... I'm still with her... I am not a perfect man, I am by no means an angel, however, I have never cheated on her, hit her, attacked her or even belittled her. BPD has ruined my life and I don't know what to do about it. We have 3 amazing beautiful little children, how do I protect them when the courts only look at my gender and not what is truly going on? I'm not allowed to talk to my friends about it, I'm not allowed to talk to my family at all as she says "they are abusive" she accuses me of "micro abuse" and that I am trying to make her believe she's crazy. I doubt myself and don't know what to even say to her to even make her smile as it turns to hatred so fast. Her splits happen rapidly and she stays within the "Rage" for days.

I need help. any help at all.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[HardTruth]

I'm really sorry to hear about what you're going through.  This book might be helpful - Splitting - Protecting yourself while divorcing from someone who has BPD by Billy Eddy and Randi Kreger.

The rules for dealing with someone with BPD are different than your average person.  We think (or at least I think), I should treat the other person the way that I want to be treated.  With BPD, this could make you more vulnerable to harm (such as by giving information, telling the truth, etc).  You constantly have to think about how what you say and do can and will be used against you.  You can't just act like an ordinary person, you have to attempt to be perfect.  If they do something inappropriate, albeit human, they'll perhaps get away with it.  But if YOU do that, you'll be labeled a monster, and who knows what else.

[Harri]

Hello and welcome.  I am so sorry to hear how difficult things are for you and your family.  It is good you are reaching out for support and help though.   Believe it or not, what you describe is not uncommon here.  You are not alone and things can improve for you. 

Can you tell us some more about this:

and by luck once I had the gun in my mouth I woke up, ran back in the house and tried to get my 2 week old daughter from her.

Do I understand correctly that she had told you to go kill yourself and you went to do so but then realized that was not what you wanted?  Was that the only time that happened?

BPD has ruined my life and I don't know what to do about it. We have 3 amazing beautiful little children, how do I protect them when the courts only look at my gender and not what is truly going on? I'm not allowed to talk to my friends about it, I'm not allowed to talk to my family at all as she says "they are abusive" she accuses me of "micro abuse" and that I am trying to make her believe she's crazy. I doubt myself and don't know what to even say to her to even make her smile as it turns to hatred so fast. Her splits happen rapidly and she stays within the "Rage" for days.

What sort of support do you have other than here?  Have you thought about getting support through individual therapy for yourself?   I ask because you are dealing with a lot and I am very concerned about the incident you talked about with the gun and with your wife trying to encourage you to commit suicide.

There is a lot to to to unravel here so I hope you share more.

Again,

[Ozzie101]

Hi there! I'd like to join the others in welcoming you to the BPD family.

Harri has asked some very good questions and I hope you'll fill in a bit more when you feel up to it. We're here to help and to listen!

[Lola B]

I am truly sorry for your anguish.

You have a community of people here. Stay on the boards. No one outside of a relationship with a BPD person can possibly understand.

I have found that leaving airspace after a rant of theirs leads to a stomp off and then an apology sometimes. But I’m still trying to guide my qualifier (20 yr old daughter)

Get some short phrases that you can run through your mind during crisis. I use “last word” since the thing that keeps her going and makes me rage is trying to refute her ravings with a last word like parents used to get.

Now I say Last Word in my head and turn away calmly and it always ends to scene, sometimes with a slammed door on her part. But it ends.

[Lost Husband]

Harri - Thank you for your questions.

When my wife got pregnant, we had no idea she had BPD, I just thought she would get moody from time to time as she had never expressed the same level of hatred or malice that she does now. There we're some odd points that stuck out but never to that truly deep effect that labeled it as something psychologically wrong. "fast forward" to our second time dating, we had dated 10 years prior and had broken up after she had cheated on me while in college "I forgave that and dealt with it" as she had told me that "she had never cheated on me, it was her roommate telling lies to make her life miserable" You see, I had called her dorm while she was in college to tell her some good news and her roommate answered, told me she was in her bedroom with her boyfriend... well, that ended that then, and fast forward 10 years she sends me an email asking "if your curious" and wham, I'm hooked like a fish. Needless to say it was crazy passionate and intense the second go around, that is until about 2 months into the relationship she calls me up and says "I'm pregnant, what are YOU going to do about it?"

That began the 9 months split "that I didn't know was a split at the time" of her Raging almost daily, from screaming at me that "I should have known she didn't want kids!" that "out of all the people my own boyfriend is too stupid to see I didn't want kids!" and the like. I was raised in a single parent household myself "Yes my mother was abusive, as I've learned that is what makes me a mark for BPD apparently" I told myself when I was a kid that I would never have a child out of wedlock to avoid the same things that I went through growing up, so I stepped up, got excited about it and proposed to her. "I thought it was the right thing to do, you get a girl pregnant you take care of her and the baby yes?"Her rage went on however, she would show me amazing love one day, then bitter hatred the next, it went back and forth and back and forth, my friends got fewer and fewer, I had less time away from the home, she started to monitor my phone, emails, and bank accounts. "She threw the laptop at my head 3 weeks before that episode as an Ex of mine had contacted me with the "If your curious" speech of her own". No I did not cheat, but having an Ex around a BPD is as I've learned "One powder keg you don't want". Then, after nine months of her telling me how horrid I was for getting her pregnant, she went into labour... I was elated, I was overjoyed, I wanted to explode with excitement, she was staring daggers at me the whole time...

Then post partum kicked in, she wasn't able to breast feed, she was in pain, and the doctors I'll be honest were Traumatic rather than empathetic and helpful. The pregnancy had left her traumatised from all her accounts.

2 weeks after my daughter was born, My wife was sobbing on the couch as our daughter had not been able to latch during breast feeding sense she was born. My wife said "it was just too painful", I sat down beside her and said "well we can move to formula no problem, and you can pump to maintain all the good stuff our little one needs" then the first real "split" I had ever seen took place... I was scum, I was dirt, I was less than that, I was the cause of all of her life's pain and misery. In the span of over 45 minutes she worked me over from toes to nose on how I was the worst thing to have ever happened to her.

I'm not going to lie, I had been feeling pretty down over those 9 months, I was excited about becoming a Dad.. its something I had always dreamed about, I waited until I was 30 to have kids with the "Right person" and when it just happened I was elated. Then it was turned on me, my biggest dream was to become a Dad and fill the shoes that I never had a chance to have. I was raised mostly by my grandfather "a good man", he taught me Honor, Loyalty and Honesty and was a pretty cool guy, not perfect, but he left me with some big shoe's to fill.

During the attack, my depression from the state of our relationship flared up and in my mind I thought, then said "You wouldn't even care if I died would you?" That's when she said "You should just go into and do it then! Your worth more dead than alive anyway so why don't you just go to the garage and just get it over with already!" The way she said it was so damn persuasive it truly felt like there was no other option, so I left the room, went to the garage, and pulled out my gun and loaded it.

I could hear my daughter's little cry, my wife was frantically storming through the house loading suitcases "she had also yelled at me, "you think YOUR going to get custody? In what world!" and so on until I felt that I was about to lose the one dream I had and that little 14 day old "Beautiful girl" was going to be lost to me.

I put the gun to my mouth, then I heard my Dad in my ears. "That's not the way, he said" then I put the gun down, and went back into the house to confront her and try to protect my daughter. I could see that my wife was holding our daughter so tightly when I came into the Nursery that my daughters face was bright pink. As a Paramedic I knew that was bad as she wasn't screaming any longer. My wife was swearing at me and throwing things at a suitcase. I put my hands up and said, I almost killed myself and your packing to leave? I said "Just give me our daughter" she refused, I said it again, she refused and swore at me, then I made a grab for my daughter and a struggle began. I being stronger of course, knocked her over onto the bed we had set up in the nursery for me so that I could take care of our daughter at night as my wife was not able to get up during the night for feedings, "I had to secretly make formula in the night for my daughter as I could tell she was not getting enough milk" So I had put a queen sized bed in the nursery for myself to use and be close to my daughter while my wife slept in the other room. My wife made this strange scream sound and she started to squeeze my daughter even harder so I backed off, left the room and called 911.

When the police showed up...… I was arrested, had a panic attack so bad I had a seizure and was hospitalized, got brought in for "Unsecure firearms" as that was the charge they could come up with, had to go on parole and forfeit all firearms for 5  years.

writing that out made me nauseous. I have never told anyone "any" of that.

[Sluggo]

Lost Husband, 

Thank you for sharing.  As you have heard already from others I understand what you are sharing.  It is so painful, surreal.  I gave over control of all communication to her.  She wrote my emails, texts, and monitored my calls.  She accused me of having sex with my mom when she saw I said 'love you'  at end of text.  I had not told anyone what was going on.  I have 7 kids thinking it was the pregnancy that was the issue...  that it was my fault. 

Your not alone. 

What helped me get better perspective was reading about bpd, codependency and talking with therapist, posting and sharing on this  board, and for a time taking medicine.. wellbutrin.  I even found alnon meetings very helpful. 

Dont manage this alone... glad you found us. 

[Vincenta]

Dear Lost Husband,

Would like to join others and welcome you to BPD family!
Glad that you found us.
You are not alone!

Have you already read the articles on these sites? They contain many useful tools that will help you to deal with the difficult situation.
But most importantly, safety must be the priority no 1, so please  start by reading  the ‘ Safety Plan’ and ‘Domestic Violence - For men’.

Stay strong, and keep on posting - we are here to support you!

Warm regards

Vincenta

[Harri]

Hi again.  Thanks for sharing more details and more of your story.  I know how it can be and have felt the same when sharing parts of my own story.  Do you feel better having finally talked about it?  I find it is usually a release when I share something that I have held in for a long time.  As you can see from the responses you have here, we are only going to support you as you work through all of this.  We get it.

Vincenta mentioned a Safety Plan and a link to Domestic Violence for men and I am sharing the links here:

Safety First: https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf
Domestic Violence for Men: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87480.0

Please check out the links.  We can help you with the safety plan if you want.  It includes a section for what to do when children are involved as well.  Keeping yourself and the kids safe is, obviously, important so can you commit to working on the plan here with us?

You have three kids.  How old are they?  How long ago was it that you were in the garage?  Have you ever sought therapy for yourself to help you deal with the conflict and your own stress?   Would you be willing to do so?

When your wife is not dysregulating are you able to sit down and talk calmly about the behaviors like the violence and the way she speaks to you and how she is with the kids?

Again, sorry for all of the questions.   We take safety seriously here and we care.

[Caco Canepa]

So sorry to hear that you're going through this. There is some excellent advice that people have posted, so I won't repeat it, but I want to let you know that I was in a similar situation — being terrified of my now-ex-wife, trying to keep my child safe from harm, cut-off from family and friends and afraid/ashamed to reach out for help. I, too, called police on one awful night when her behavior frightened me, and also was taken to jail instead. I've been suicidal too, and there were times when my ex had egged me me to try to kill myself.

I want to give you hope for the future. I'm in a much better place now that I couldn't have foreseen when I felt stuck in the worst of it.

What helped me the most:
• (Secretly) Reaching out to trusted friends and family
• (Secretly) Getting help from a therapist.
• (Secretly) Meeting with an attorney to determine what my rights were (versus what my exwife was telling me — "I'm going to destroy you and get your earnings for the rest of your f-ing life, mother-f'er.")  I had more rights than I thought in this situation.
• Developing a safety plan.

Reading your account brings me back to the fear and despair that I felt just a couple of years ago. I'm so sorry. Please keep reaching here and to your network for support. Stay strong.

CC

[Lost Husband]

Thank you for the response, I never did believe in using an outlet like this as I didn't think it was worth my time. The more I read what others have been through, the more I notice the DV part. I cant explain why my brain says "naaaaa, your too Big a guy for DV to be an issue" or "your a man, men don't get DV right?"

I recently reached out to a therapist in a local town who specializes in BPD and working with the family members about it. I attempted to talk to my wife yesterday about going to counselling and that it was time we started going full out to either save our marrage or at the least ourselves. Her reply was "Your blaming everything on BPD and that makes me sick, you have so many other problems that you don't even acknowledge, its like your blind to all the mental issues YOU have and get fixated on BPD" This statement came after I said "BPD is not a mental illness, its a mental Injury that you sustained as a child, all injuries eventually need to be treated properly or they fester"

I will start going to see a lawyer secretly as well to see what they think. I honestly don't believe in our legal society here in Canada as its still very "Sexist" unfortunately, I've been smashed twice by the police here when it was me who called 911 for help each time. I even got the "If someone told you to jump off a bridge would you do it?" speech.

The split where she tried to get me to kill myself was now 5 years ago
The split where she threw a laptop at my face was 3 years ago
The split where the police chased her through town while she overdosed and left our 2 year old daughter alone in the house in her crib was 3 years ago.
The split where she last screamed at me and told me I was a piece of trash from one side to the other was 3 days ago because I caught her messaging another man and talking to him late at night. "Its exactly what you think" she left her facebook open, I had  a peek "don't do that by the way, just made me even more miserable" I took a picture of it and she lied so bold faced it blew me a way. Did you talk to this guy? "no!" she screamed, Did he call you late at night? "NO!" she screamed "Snoop much?" was her reply, then explain this I said and texted her the pictures. Cue the split where I'm a rapist, cheating, lying piece of scum... This is the 5th time I've caught her "Love texting" another guy seeking validation.

I'm feeling pretty low

But I'll keep going. Suicide is not an option, I personally see it as a strength now to fight those urges as it would only let her win. Then who would protect my kids?

[Sluggo]

Lost Husband,

Yes it is DV real.  It took me a while to acknowledge it for what it was and also take ownership of why I allowed it to happen.  I think it was when our marriage therapist saw my exbpdw actually loose it and therapist asked her to leave as she became deregulated emotionally.  She wrote out a 'plan" for me to follow when she dysregulate again.  It was to leave the house and get a hotel room.  It was 'such a safe feeling' to know that I could go somewhere and feel safe.  Prior to that, I would hide and sleep outside in shed, in other room, in garage, in car around the corner, or at my office. 

But to have a plan was empowering.  It made it feel like I had choices.  I stayed at one of the extended stay hotels via Priceline app.  I did that many times. 

One night at the said hotel I watched this made for TV movie that had been recommended.  I believe it was nominated for an Emmy. 

Here is the full movie...

https://youtu.be/U_gLDF2dGLY

I could relate to many scenes in this movie. 

Your not alone.  At this time staying at hotels, I started to reconnect with some guy friends from high school who knew me before my marriage.  It help make me feel like myself again as I had when younger- positive, light hearted,  etc
   After years of put downs, some dv i felt like like a loser (as I was called all the time by my ex).  It was a death of a thousand cuts.  I could not look women in the eye, I was so ashamed.  Just a warm smile from a store clerk was something that would make me feel.like I was a person again. 

I also started sharing slowly with family. They knew something was up, but not to the extremeness that existed. 

All that help me get some perspective, and help me start remembering what it felt like to be 'me'. 


How much do others friends or family know about your situation? 

[Lost Husband]

Sluggo

Thank you for your reply, I'll try to watch that video when I'm home, I usually get up at 5 am so I can have some alone time before I start doing the daily chores. I clean the house all by myself as she won't help, I've pretty  much gotten used to her having splits if I ask for her to put her clothes away that I washed and folded, or even if I ask for help with dishes, or mopping the floor. I have all but given up asking her for help as there isn't any.

You asked me if my family knows. That's the trick. I attempted to talk to my friends and family after she tried to get me to commit suicide. Their response was "Just Divorce her!". I should have listened, but how could I? The police arrested "me", I was the one who got charged, I was the one who was put on parole, I had to stand in front of a judge after someone attempted to murder me. If you convince someone to kill themselves for financial gain... that's still murder. YET... I was the one who was punished. For me, my daughter meant everything, and if I went to divorce the chances of me winning custody was 30% at best in a Canadian court from what I've seen and heard from others. Even though if I could charge her with attempted murder... that's the mother of my child. I'm so conflicted. I have a meeting with a lawyer here in the next week to discuss my options. But I don't hold any great hope.

My friends, slowly left, one by one as they got tired of hearing what was going on and how I wasn't man enough to leave. My family... She has isolated me from them with a split each time I even mention their names. I can't talk about my mom "she's not the greatest person to begin with and abusive in her own way" but I can't talk about any of them, my sister, my grandmother, my uncles. I have not seen any of my true family in about 3 years.

I've made new friends, but its hard to keep the "erratic behavior" from impacting the relationship, or from even confiding in someone. It overwhelms me and all I want to do is talk about it. But from what I've seen if you "do" talk about it, people don't understand or don't want to know and get uncomfortable. I've had to "suddenly leave" events like concerts, board game nights and dinners with friends because she was having a split and texting me what a nasty piece I was. Then of course I get scared she might hurt herself or even our kids and rush home just to get yelled at. Or better yet, the silent treatment with huffs, puffs, stomping and slamming of doors.

I live in constant stress and fear that I'll lose my kids, that its "me" whos lost it and has mental problems. I have PTSD from being a paramedic, I know I do, but for me PTSD is nightmares, horrible nightmares. THATS IT, I don't dwell, I don't throw things or scream, heck I barely swear now and I used to work in the oil patch where F bombs were a verb / vowel and adjective.

I have held back from writing down too much out of fear that she'll find it. She did once before and it was a nasty split. I have read books, bought audiobooks on it, bought "her" audiobooks on it and she had a split again and screamed at me saying "I'm nothing like that! She's a psycho!" The book was "Get Me Out of Here, my recovery from BPD by Rachel Reiland" The split from that one was a doozy let me tell you, I got the Dialectic therapy books for her to help work on things, unfortunately they do make a wonderful projectile as she threw one of them at me yelling "Its not me who has the issues its you! YOU read it then!"

The more I write this stuff out, the more I see that it is DV, I can't explain why I still say "I love you to her, and get scared when the word divorce comes up.  But there it is

[SadtimesAZ]

When they want you dead it's not just BPD it's ASPD. You're dealing with sociopathic behaviors at that point. When they want to ruin your life for the sake of a relationship it's mind bending. It's taken me about 3 years to fully grasp how insane a person can be in private and completely fool people in public. And sadly one of the manipulation techniques is playing gender bias against you. It's almost impossible to make people understand unless the SO makes outbursts publicly and people witness it, but even then you get blamed and shamed as the cause of the behavior by your abuser. I know because I got arrested myself for exposing my ex wife's theft. She said I was stalking her when I knew she was stealing from her boss. It was my fault she tried to kill herself because I was being mean to her. It goes beyond BPD, lying manipulating abuse threats etc. If she drinks or takes prescription medications you are dealing with a dangerous person. You are trauma bonded because you hope things can get better but they won't. I went through the divorce and got dragged all over with accusations but her mental health problems aren't a concern because of privacy laws. The courts take DV seriously, unless you're a man. I'm sorry you're in the position you're in, I've been there, I have 7 more years until my son turns 18 and I won't have to play the legal game anymore. Funny thing is my ex was married prior, she wished " he would go kill himself and leave her alone" huge red flag I ignored. Go to therapy and take care of yourself my friend, that's all I can say.

[Harri]

Hi Lost Husband. 

Have you been able to contact a local DV shelter to talk with someone?  You do not need to make decisions, but it will help you to find our what resources are available.  I know you said you will consult with a lawyer soon as well and I am glad to hear that.  When you are ready for more info we also have a Family law board and our members there are well versed in many of the issues you talk bout here.  Posting there does not in any way mean you have to make a decision, it would be just to get more information and have people who know the court systems to talk with.

Here is a link to the law board: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=10.0

[Sluggo]

Lost Husband,

I can relate to each thing you mentioned and the similarities you describe bring the sadness of that back to mind.  

1.  Doing the housework-  I did 90 of cooking and kids and I did cleaning.  Ex did little.  I'd come home after working 8-10 hours then fix dinner for our 7 kids.  She was a stay at home mom.  

2.  I have 7 kids.  I was terrified of divorce.  My Ex knew that.  Whenever the D word was used, I would acquiesce to her demands.  Our Deacon told me the day I decided to leave, 'I've seen many marriages where one spouse is abusive to the other because the abusive spouse knows the other spouse wont leave because of the marriage vows.  That is, They use the marriage vows as a manipulative tool' ...  say divorce and the other one jumps.

3.  Kids ages were 15- 2.  Two with disabilities.   My oldest 2 had seen how I allowed my wife to abuse me verbally for years.  The 2 oldest still have little respect for me as a parent.  I could not let my other kids live their lives watching that dysfunction.  But I struggled with the fact of losing the kids if I left.    That struggle is real.  I understand what you are feeling.  

4.  Friends-  it just became easier not to talk to them and focus my energy on my wife.  It just was easier.  Because of that my friendships withered off.  My high school buddies welcome me right back when I reached out.  It got lonley losing them.  

My 25the class reunion, last minute she said she was not going.  I Said I was (at this point I was becoming stronger through therapy).  She locked me in the bedroom for over 2 hours and stood by door yelling at me (kids in other room).  Saying if I touched her to move her out of the way she would call the cops.  ...  I jumped out our bedroom window and went to reunion.  

5.  Family- 1 by 1 my exw began to find things she did not like about them.  In the end I had stopped talking to them 4 siblings and both parents for about 3 years.  It just became easier and I thought I was bettering my marriage.    If there was communication,  I allowed my wife to write the texts and emails from my account as me.  

I'm ashamed I visited only 15 min my dad who was in hospice.  My wife was opposed to me visiting him because I did not leave work to visit her.  I accepted.   My Dad died and she was mad because I would see my siblings at the funeral.

I stopped going to my sons football games because wife said I did not take him to practice so I had no right to go to his games.  I agreed. 

My wife felt threatened by my relationship with our own kids even telling me not to read to them at night so I could spend more time with her.  I agreed.

6.  I was so scared to write in this board thinking she would find out.  I am glad I still did.   I kept my books in my spare tire well in my car to hide them.  

Harri makes some great suggestions.  Just learning about your options is so liberating as it gives one a sense of choice, empowerment.  

What day is your lawyer meeting set up?