I'm emotionally battered after leaving my ex who has BPD but doesn't accept it

[TAS]

Hi,
I've just joined and could really do with some help to move forward..

I've had to finally walk away from a roller coaster 3 year relationship with my ex girlfriend who I'm convinced has BPD but won't accept she has any issues and puts all blame for things on me.
From the start of the relationship the red flags were there and I should have known better but I guess I was a vulnerable single dad raising two kids on my own.
She has openly said she has never trusted me and I know this is caused by a previous relationship she hasn't dealt with as she was cheated on also say's she was raped...I have begged her to speak to someone about this to get help but she refuses to do so.
She would text me constantly and if I didn't reply immediately she would text again with a question mark or ask what's I'm up to...she would also leave countless voicemails particularly when she was in a bad mood which would escalate if I didn't reply. Some of the voicemails were pretty horrific!
She would never accept when she was wrong or out of order and would shout and become pretty aggressive in her arguments which made me feel pretty scared if I'm honest as she would follow me if I left a room during an argument and just wouldn't accept things until she had the last word. She was also violent towards me once punching me round the head about 20 times whilst I lay on my bed after an argument.

1 month into the relationship she was pregnant although I thought I was being careful. She refused to go on the pill and claimed she wouldn't be able to get pregnant as she had to go through special treatment to become pregnant with her daughter who was 6.
This caused more arguments as I wanted to try and build a relationship to see if we were going to work out but she insisted on having the baby anyway. About 24 weeks into the pregnancy we lost the baby and again she didn't accept talking to someone for very long and the couple of times she went she just said she talked about me being a rubbish partner and not really addressing things to help her move forward.

We tried to move forward and bought a house together as their was a lovely side to her which I loved soo much but she had this other side I thought I could help fix.
I ended up moving out after 5 weeks as she was impossible to live with and like the relationship as a whole it was literally like walking on egg shells.

6 months later she was pregnant again and I'm convinced she did something to cause it because I was so careful with protection but we now have a 1 year old son.

She has so many traits of BPD including excessive spending as she has Amazon deliveries on a daily basis along with new clothes constantly. She also always wears fake tan and make up along with dying her hair from ginger to blonde.
She is so jealous and particularly if a girl/woman talks to me no matter what age they are. She will always ask how I know them and if I have ever slept with them.

When I did walk away she contacted my family, friend and even my ex to try and paint me out to be something really bad even though she couldn't accept losing me and would beg for me to come back to her...this was really strange and upsetting for everyone.
When she flipped out she would call me a narcissist and a bully. She would particularly call me a bully when I would ask her nicely if we could talk to someone and would twist my words and excuse me of calling her mental.

There's so much more but if anyone can relate to this I'd love to hear from you.

P,S I tried speaking to her family about it all as they have first hand witnessed her go mad at me for no reason at all but they refuse to accept anything is wrong as she is painting a completely different picture.
She will also try and manipulate everything I say.

It's so draining and I feel very lost and battered as I did love her but I knew the relationship was so toxic and I feared it getting worse.

[livednlearned]

You found the right place, friend. I'm glad you sought out a place for support. These are not just difficult relationships, they are the most difficult.

And these particular break-ups can really turn us inside out. I'm so sorry to hear that she became violent with you, and abused you during the relationship. That had to be particularly painful. Did you let anyone know? It can be hard to share with others, I know.

Are you able to see your son?

Do you feel you're safe at the moment?

Keep posting here. It can really help.

[ForeverDad]

You've already come to the correct conclusion that you can't fix her.  And she's resistant to anyone helping her work on her issues.  What she really needs is a therapist who is very experienced with these acting-out (Cluster B) personality disorders.  The therapies most often mentioned are DBT or CBT, dialectical/cognitive behavioral therapy.  But with her utter Denial and Blame Shifting, that may never happen.  So what to do?  A few things...

You need to prioritize your life... you and your child are the top priorities.  Focus on that.  Her acting out with her buying, raging, manipulating, blaming, etc is all about her and her issues, not your fault and certainly not the child's fault.  She will keep circling around to her feelings and perceptions, her wants and demands, but don't be diverted from your core goals.

You will come to realize, if not already, that you need strong boundaries when dealing with her.  People with BPD (pwBPD) generally see flexible boundaries as weakness and virtually an invitation to steamroller over them.

Have you read Henry Cloud's Boundaries?

Boundaries are for you, not her.  You already know you can't tell her what to do or not do.  You can't force her to do or not do something, your power is in your response.  However, what can and does work (though there are limits) is something like this... .
"If you do or don't do ___ then I will do or not do ___."

Examples:
If you start blocking me from our kids...
...then I will enforce the parenting schedule, in court if that's what it takes.
If you want extra time for ___...
...then I may allow it but with a trade for equivalent time for ___.

When done right "if... then... " is powerful.  It took me years to figure how to make boundaries such as these.

Oh, and since this would be a change to your behavior pattern, expect her to flame out with extinction bursts in attempts to make you retreat back into prior compliant, appeasing actions.  She may never fully accept that you will run your own life, but in time she ought to realize you're not acquiescing to her demands as before and not push your boundaries as relentlessly.

While you do have custody issues that will probably have to be set and enforced through court, also try to keep your legal entanglements and connections to a minimum.  For example, co-owning a house is impractical.  Is she on the deed and mortgage?  If so then that needs to be undone, likely with lawyers and a court order.  PwBPD are messed up but they know the value of money, and quite possessive of it and using it.  Odds are she will try to grab the assets and stick you with the debts.  Be forewarned, you may think that if you are super-fair and super-giving and super appeasing then the professionals will look kindly on you.  If you get any such ideas, ask your proactive lawyer first before making such promises.  She has the courts to protect her, courts won't look out for your interests nearly as much.

In my own divorce, I made it clear that I considered myself the more stable parent and needed as much parental authority and time as possible.  Court automatically defaulted with temp custody for my ex and I got alternate weekends.  After a two year divorce I walked out with equal time in Shared Parenting.  I was in and out of court for another 6 years but by that time I was full Legal Guardian and had majority time.  (Courts seem to prefer incremental fixes to custody and parenting schedule, so try to get the most you can get from the start.  As I wrote above, being overly accommodating won't benefit you or your child, you and your lawyer need to be proactive and have solid time-tested strategies to get the best results possible every step of the way.  We here in peer support can share our hard won knowledge and strategies.)

Some pwBPD are quick to jump to new relationships.  She's an adult, she's allowed to do that.  (Just as you're allowed to Move On with your own life.)  Your task is to protect yourself and your child.  Whether she got pregnant with someone else, no one here can say.  But you may want to consider a DNA parent test as part of the custody resolution process.

[TAS]

You found the right place, friend. I'm glad you sought out a place for support. These are not just difficult relationships, they are the most difficult.

And these particular break-ups can really turn us inside out. I'm so sorry to hear that she became violent with you, and abused you during the relationship. That had to be particularly painful. Did you let anyone know? It can be hard to share with others, I know.

Are you able to see your son?


Do you feel you're safe at the moment?

Keep posting here. It can really help.

Thankyou so much for taking time to reply...it really helps just knowing that you're not alone and people understand what you're going through.
Does what I describe sound like BPD traits to you that she has?

Yes I did tell my family and close friends so I have got things of my chest regarding the relationship & violence.
When I speak to her about the violence she laughs it off and say's it was my fault!

I can see my son at the moment but she won't allow me to have him on my own or with my other two kids. She insists she has to be there and I don't want to see her so it makes it hard. She did allow me to have him the other day whilst she had her nails done in town but she told me not to run away with him which I thought was really strange and paranoid.

[TAS]

You've already come to the correct conclusion that you can't fix her.  And she's resistant to anyone helping her work on her issues.  What she really needs is a therapist who is very experienced with these acting-out (Cluster B) personality disorders.  The therapies most often mentioned are DBT or CBT, dialectical/cognitive behavioral therapy.  But with her utter Denial and Blame Shifting, that may never happen.  So what to do?  A few things...

You need to prioritize your life... you and your child are the top priorities.  Focus on that.  Her acting out with her buying, raging, manipulating, blaming, etc is all about her and her issues, not your fault and certainly not the child's fault.  She will keep circling around to her feelings and perceptions, her wants and demands, but don't be diverted from your core goals.

You will come to realize, if not already, that you need strong boundaries when dealing with her.  People with BPD (pwBPD) generally see flexible boundaries as weakness and virtually an invitation to steamroller over them.

While you do have custody issues that will probably have to be set and enforced through court, also try to keep your legal entanglements and connections to a minimum.  For example, co-owning a house is impractical.  Is she on the deed and mortgage?  If so then that needs to be undone, likely with lawyers and a court order.  PwBPD are messed up but they know the value of money, and quite possessive of it and using it.  Odds are she will try to grab the assets and stick you with the debts.  Be forewarned, you may think that if you are super-fair and super-giving and super appeasing then the professionals will look kindly on you.  If you get any such ideas, ask your proactive lawyer first before making such promises.  She has the courts to protect her, courts won't look out for your interests nearly as much.

In my own divorce, I made it clear that I considered myself the more stable parent and needed as much parental authority and time as possible.  Court automatically defaulted with temp custody for my ex and I got alternate weekends.  After a two year divorce I walked out with equal time in Shared Parenting.  I was in and out of court for another 6 years but by that time I was full Legal Guardian and had majority time.  (Courts seem to prefer incremental fixes to custody and parenting schedule, so try to get the most you can get from the start.  As I wrote above, being overly accommodating won't benefit you or your child, you and your lawyer need to be proactive and have solid time-tested strategies to get the best results possible every step of the way.  We here in peer support can share our hard won knowledge and strategies.)

Some pwBPD are quick to jump to new relationships.  She's an adult, she's allowed to do that.  (Just as you're allowed to Move On with your own life.)  Your task is to protect yourself and your child.  Whether she got pregnant with someone else, no one here can say.  But you may want to consider a DNA parent test as part of the custody resolution process.

Thankyou so much for taking time to reply...it really helps just knowing that you're not alone and people understand what you're going through.
Does what I describe sound like BPD traits to you that she has?

I will have a look at that book so thanks again for all your comments.

Yes I did tell my family and close friends so I have got things of my chest regarding the relationship & violence.
When I speak to her about the violence she laughs it off and say's it was my fault!

I can see my son at the moment but she won't allow me to have him on my own or with my other two kids. She insists she has to be there and I don't want to see her so it makes it hard. She did allow me to have him the other day whilst she had her nails done in town but she told me not to run away with him which I thought was really strange and paranoid.

[ForeverDad]

I can see my son at the moment but she won't allow me to have him on my own or with my other two kids. She insists she has to be there...

Essentially she is insisting you are only allowed supervised visitation.  Even if she tried to make that official in a temp order, most courts would do some initial investigation whether that was appropriate.  What a court would do is assess (generally by CPS or children's services) whether supervised visitation was necessary.  In general, it would have to find substantive child abuse, neglect or endangerment.

Sadly, many here, myself included, had to deal with such exaggerated claims.  Discuss with your proactive, experienced lawyer how to get a decent order establishing your parental rights.  You need to be proactive because many courts will default to a temp order favorable to mothers.  In my case, I had just gotten a temp protection order (as recipient of Threat of DV) granting me temp possession of our home.  Once she got out she went to domestic court and got favorable temp orders regarding custody and parenting schedule during our two year separation and divorce process.

She did allow me to have him the other day whilst she had her nails done in town but she told me not to run away with him which I thought was really strange and paranoid.

She is insinuating that you cannot be trusted with your child.  This is her showing what strategies she is contemplating once things start heading toward court.

[Grady]

We dealt with the same thing here as far as H only seeing his S when she was with them and he was never allowed to bring him around me or our D's.  H did that for close to two years.  It was ridiculous and put a strain on everyone and allowed BPD to continue to control and manipulate him.  I suggest putting a stop to that right away.  Once H finally had the courage to get a decent lawyer and fight her on it, she couldn't force that anymore and H was allowed to have SS with us in our home.  My D's adore their little brother (and he them) and it's sad that we all missed out on his first few years.  Stand up for what you deserve. 

[livednlearned]

She is insinuating that you cannot be trusted with your child.  This is her showing what strategies she is contemplating once things start heading toward court.

She is also willing to cede control of her child to you when it suits her. In other words, you are a threat to her child unless she needs to get her nails done.

That may just as important to document as any abusive behaviors she demonstrates.

If you are so dangerous and have to have supervised visitation why is she asking you to care for your son?

Have you consulted with a lawyer?

[worriedStepmom]

but she told me not to run away with him which I thought was really strange and paranoid.

That is BPD speaking.  Many BPD sufferers are paranoid - especially about abandonment.

My H's uBPDex expresses constant fear that H and I are "going to take her daughter away from her."  They had 50/50 custody for 8 years, and almost every week uBPDex asked if H was really going to bring SD back that week or if he'd keep her forever.   (H now has primary custody; mom has daytime visitation 4 days a month...she claims this proves she was right to be worried.  Actually, her worries made her behavior so bad that it was harming SD to see her.)

We learned that it isn't possible to reassure her enough to get those feelings to go away, which means the problematic actions also continue.

You can try to insist that you WILL see your child unsupervised and you WILL have your child overnight and see if she'll back down (this would work with H's ex but not all pwBPD).

You should also consult a legal professional to see what your rights are and how to make sure those are enforced, and that you and the children are safe.

[ForeverDad]

So you've separated but no court orders yet specifying parenting schedule, right?  That's a real no-man's land, best not to let that continue for very long, as it could let her start building a history as majority time (or primary) parent.  Court already gives mothers so much default and unwritten preferences, best to keep that to a minimum by being proactive rather than taking a passive stance.

Here's a post I made last Oct 27:
Been there, done that.  There was a 2-3 month period between my two temp orders where I was blocked (by her) from contact with my preschooler.  He had just turned 4 so was not in school where I could meet him.  I was so tempted to drive around looking for them.  Fortunately, no incidents.

I recall calling police asking for them to accompany me if I went to her door.  They said, get a court order first.  I then asked, what if I went anyway?  They said if she called them then they'd come rushing.  I didn't want to get arrested (!) or complicate my case further, so I kept my distance.  It was so hard but I had no other choice with my scheduled hearing still weeks away.

[KingofTexas37891]

I was in a similar situation like you but in my case we got a child together.

Just accept and recognize that you are not a savior and it is not your job to fix her issues. Her family will stay in denial all the time.


You got to move on with your life and find another woman else she will destroy you totally.