My sons father / ex diagnosed with BPD, explains years of fighting

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I was in a verbally abusive, volatile relationship for years. I was in love with my partner, but would not let myself be treated the way he began to treat me. It was a rollercoaster of emotions for the entire duration of the relationship. He is my sons father. My son is my world. As my son grows I am seeing more of his father in him and I remember the things I loved and the future I wanted with him when things weren’t bad. I want to give my son a happy family with both of his parents. We brought the worst out of eachother we clashed like you couldn’t imagine. He was recently diagnosed with BPD. The diagnosis explains EVERYTHING. We were handling everything wrong. I didn’t know and neither did he.

My son is 3 and we have been separated for a year. My son knows us separate. I can’t go back unless it works because I’m not putting my son through that change now that he’s old enough to know.

The diagnosis explains everything. Everyone in my family hates him for how he has treated me and spoken to me. He is a GOOD person with a good heart and his brain is different but how can I explain that to anyone?

I want to reach out. I want to ask to try again, slowly with dating and counselling to get over the anger and hate between us, but it’s been a year and we are both in good places moved on. Am I crazy for wanting to open this up again? Both my sisters say I’d be crazy to go back.
I think if we did it right, we could be happy. He is doing the treatments and so could I.

Any advice or experience shared is greatly appreciated

[JGmom]

I was in a verbally abusive, volatile relationship for years. I was in love with my partner, but would not let myself be treated the way he began to treat me. It was a rollercoaster of emotions for the entire duration of the relationship. He is my sons father. My son is my world. As my son grows I am seeing more of his father in him and I remember the things I loved and the future I wanted with him when things weren’t bad. I want to give my son a happy family with both of his parents. We brought the worst out of eachother we clashed like you couldn’t imagine. He was recently diagnosed with BPD. The diagnosis explains EVERYTHING. We were handling everything wrong. I didn’t know and neither did he.

My son is 3 and we have been separated for a year. My son knows us separate. I can’t go back unless it works because I’m not putting my son through that change now that he’s old enough to know.

The diagnosis explains everything. Everyone in my family hates him for how he has treated me and spoken to me. He is a GOOD person with a good heart and his brain is different but how can I explain that to anyone?

I want to reach out. I want to ask to try again, slowly with dating and counselling to get over the anger and hate between us, but it’s been a year and we are both in good places moved on. Am I crazy for wanting to open this up again? Both my sisters say I’d be crazy to go back.
I think if we did it right, we could be happy. He is doing the treatments and so could I.

Any advice or experience shared is greatly appreciated

[worriedStepmom]

Your ex has only recently been diagnosed and started treatment.  This isn't going to be a quick or easy process for him.  He has to literally change his entire way of thinking about the world.  For most people who succeed in treatment, it can take years.  Years. 

Many more people quit because the treatment is hard.

The people I know who've successfully reconciled after divorce or extended separation (none of whom were dealing with a personality disorder) made it work AFTER each person had healed individually and shown the other person who they had become now.  It's a lot more difficult if you're trying to heal/grow at the same time you are trying to reconcile, because there's so much baggage and it's so easy to fall into toxic patterns.

Are you only wanting to get back together because you want an intact family for your son?  This was the hardest dream for me to let go of when I divorced.  Therapy helped me A LOT to work through grieving that dream.

[livednlearned]

As strange as it sounds, the distance may strengthen your relationship, especially as he goes through treatment. Having a child together binds you for life whether married or not and all of us benefit from learning the specific communication and relationship skills required for BPD relationships.

To worriedStepmom's point, I also feel that the biggest change in me happened after the divorce when I saw much more clearly my own shortcomings. In a BPD relationship it is so very easy to attribute problems to the disorder. Developing the emotional strength to be in a BPD relationship is not a walk in the park. It also helps develop empathy for the challenges our children's BPD parent must go through.

Learn everything you can about BPD and learn everything you can about yourself. These skills and insights will make you a parent capable of instilling emotional resilience in your child, who may be genetically sensitive and prone to strong emotions.

You can still do the treatments independent of him.

I would also trust and listen to your family. They know your story better than we do, and they are the ones who must bear the brunt of any discord and conflict that accompany BPD relationships, not to mention the heart ache they feel for their young nephew.

The most important development years for a child are 0-6. If you are uncertain about how this decision you are contemplating will affect your child, would you consider talking to a child therapist? I did something similar and found it profoundly helpful. My son is now 18 and emotionally sensitive like his dad, and at age 8 he was expressing suicidal ideation. At 9, I left the marriage and S9 entered therapy. His therapist believed he was at risk, and also very eager to do therapy (once we found the right one). Sometimes you have to look at the decision through the eyes of your child's nervous system  Not what they want, or what you want, but what they are capable of tolerating before collapsing emotionally and psychologically.

[ForeverDad]

As strange as it sounds, the distance may strengthen your relationship, especially as he goes through treatment. Having a child together binds you for life whether married or not and all of us benefit from learning the specific communication and relationship skills required for BPD relationships.

I would also trust and listen to your family. They know your story better than we do, and they are the ones who must bear the brunt of any discord and conflict that accompany BPD relationships, not to mention the heart ache they feel for their young nephew.

I'd like to add to that first paragraph.  It is not unusual for things to appear better with distance apart.  BPD is a PD that is most impacted by the type of relationship.  From a distance many may think the person is "a little off".  Get closer, get back into a committed or obligated relationship — when the person hasn't really addressed the deep issues — and that's when the wheels start falling off the relationship wagon all over again, especially if you don't have strong boundaries clearly set.  A few months of better behaviors is not proof of long term recovery.

Henry Cloud wrote an excellent book, Boundaries.

Boundaries are for you, not him.  You already know you can't tell him what to do or not do.  You can't force him to do or not do something, your power is in your response.  What can and does work (though there are limits) is something like this... .
"If you do or don't do ___ then I will do or not do ___."

Examples:
If you start blocking me from our kids...
...then I will enforce the parenting schedule, in court if that's what it takes.
If you want extra time for ___...
...then I may allow it but with a trade for equivalent time for ___.

When done right "if... then... " is powerful.  It took me years to figure how to make boundaries such as these.

[MeandThee29]

It's easy to get along at a distance, and a few interactions are not indicative of long-term improvement. Mentally agreeing to change and applied change are two different things, especially when it goes so deep. Think deeds vs. words. They can say they are better, but once they are doing disordered things again, you know the truth.

And FWIW, you probably have far less to work on than your ex. We all have things to work on, but recovering from BPD is a long, hard process. Many don't stick with it because deep thought patterns have to change.

Boundaries ultimately blew up things for me, but I have no regrets.

[KingofTexas37891]

Do not blame yourself that the relationship did not last. It is part of life. Even couples without BPD break-up.

If I were in your shoes, I'll definitely not go back. BPD is not something that heals even with 1 yr treatment. It requires more time.


But if you want to give him a second chance maybe date like boyfriend and girl friend without moving together. Stay in your own place with the child.

Having your own place will be the escape if he shows no improvement.