I've been there!
One thing I've really learned here is that what I say and the way I say it can have a big impact in my H. And that what I think I'm saying isn't often what he thinks I'm saying.
For instance, pwBPD can be hyper-sensitive to criticism. Even something we don't think of as criticism, they can take it that way. Do you think there's any way she may have detected any blaming in what you said or how you said it? To a rational mind, there probably wasn't any blame in there. But someone hyper-sensitive? Sometimes subtle changes in tone or wording can make a world of difference.
Not saying it's your fault. Not at all. But sometimes, we inadvertently make things worse. Believe me. I've done plenty of that!
Hours of raging/lashing out/blaming? Been there. And it's awful. But sitting and listening to that doesn't do you or your relationship any good.
What do you usually do when the hours-long rants go on?
When you sense her ramping up, is there any way you can nip it in the bud and exit the conversation? Saying something along the lines of, "Babe, I can see this is really important to you. It's important to me, too, and you've given me a lot to think about. I'm going to go for a walk/get a cup of coffee/wash my car and mull it over. Then I'll come back and we can talk about it." Exiting the situation often gives our loved ones a chance to come back to baseline.
Is that something you think might work? Or can you think of something that might work?
Also, here are a couple of articles that might be helpful to you (they were to me). I hope you'll take a look when you have time and feel like it:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflicthttps://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating
