Getting back with my BPD Ex

[Nongler4545]

Hi, I have been reading the boards and decided to post myself, over the last 2 weeks I have come to the conclusion my ex suffers with BPD, I’ll try and explain why.

We had a 2 year relationship and it was intense, fun, active and loving, everything I ever wanted, I wasn’t fazed at the pace of the relationship at all, she told me she loved me after 10 days and I truly thought that she is the one. We moved in together after 9 months and we were very happy, there were a few moments of her disappearing mentally, but she had told me early on she suffered with mental health (diagnosed anxiety and depression when she was younger) so I decided to learn about mental health to best handle her at her worst if it happened, read books, visited MIND and watched you tube videos, I was investing in us.

I was going to propose to her in June this year, but out of nowhere in April she ended it, couldn’t grasp what was going on, the night before she was all over me Telling me how much she loved me etc, I was heartbroken. The reasons she gave me were odd, they weren’t reasons to end relationships if you know what I mean? She even said that night that maybe she needs to work on not being so black and white (my first clue)

Anyway I found a resolve in me and I rolled up my sleeves and worked on myself, I took every reason she gave me and I smashed them over the next few months, to prove to her she was wrong. I’m glad to say I’ve transformed and I even see a therapist to keep my focus on my goals and help me talk things through.

So since the break up she has been in and out of my life, we slept together once and she was behaving like my gf again then bang next morning like a robot she said “it hasn’t changed anything” I just couldn’t work out this detached cold behaviour of hers. She slept in my bed twice after that over the next few months, kept breaking down with me, saying she was sad etc and I wasn’t sure if I should stay and be there for her or runaway.

Then we fell out over something small and 6 weeks NC happened, I started seeing someone else and I didn’t hear from her at all. The next time I saw her I was in the doctors for something and she was there too, she looked awful, I sat next to her and asked if she was ok and she nodded no, she was shaking badly. She then asked me to come in to the doctor with her, so I went in and she started to break down to the doctor and say that she had been having thoughts of killing herself over the last 6 weeks and has had these thoughts since we split but not as strong as recently, she attempted suicide 20 years ago but I saw no signs whilst with me.

So because of this incident we were back in touch, I checked in on her and took her dog for a walk whilst she lived in her “cave of darkness” so now we’re on good terms and she is finally on antidepressants which she refused to take before.

So I read up on BPD and I now see the point she devalued me in the relationship, the obsession in the beginning, her sexual promiscuity in the past, her reliance on alcohol in the past and present.

Despite all of this, I love her, I care for her, when we do see each other we both slip back in to the comfort we have with each other and laugh a lot, the relationship was always funny and I haven’t laughed as much as I did with her in any of my previous relationships.

She came to mine yesterday to see my son (she loves and still keeps in contact) to give some gifts to me and him from her home country where she had visited recently, it was nice to see her, I asked her what she did NYE and she told me she spent the night with her ex! Now this ex isn’t a significant ex, she always described him as a psycho and he used to stalk her all the time, she blocked him on all social media etc, he is a horrible guy, all her friends told me that he was the worst.

I was so shocked at her for doing this, I never ever thought she would hit that low but she has, she clearly was distressed about it but I also wondered why she told me? Is this normal? Why has she gone back to someone that is clearly the worst guy she could ever have spent a night with? She also text me on NYE clearly whilst she was with him, was this guilt on her part?

So I’m confused, I want her back but the way she is behaving goes against my values, I have always said I can’t be with her unless she has a massive course of therapy and seeks the help she needs but I just want to understand why she is always in my life despite her telling me recently we’re just friends etc? She looks at me all the time when we’re together and I know she still loves me.

Any guidance would be appreciated, she is a wonderful woman deep down and I miss her

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[Ozzie101]

Hi there, Nongler4545 Welcome!

Sounds like you're really experiencing the BPD roller coaster. It can be bewildering, I know! Very hard for anyone outside to understand. But you've come to the right place. We "get it" here and we have a lot of experience and tools to share.

It sounds like you've done so many things right: working on yourself, seeking therapy. Good for you! So important to keep your own health and strength up.

The story you describe about her ex is not an uncommon one around here. I've read so many members' posts describing something quite similar.

And the push-pull you're experiencing -- also familiar.

It likely ties into the fear of abandonment so common in pwBPD. Have you seen this:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=47237.0

When you have a chance, take a look and tell me what you think.

[Nongler4545]

Thanks for this, I read that thread and it makes sense, she does have childhood trauma where she lost her parents for 2 years due to her older brother needing medical care in a Hospital which was the other side of the country, she holds a lot of resentment towards her parents and brother for this.

I'm worried for her as she is clearly on a journey of self destruction, sleeping around etc and she relies on Alcohol.

I saw her recently and she told me that a back injury she has is down to weak bones and she will probably be in a wheelchair by the time she is 50 and will probably wont be able to carry children naturally, this as you can imagine has hit her like a ton of bricks. Do I be there for her or let this run its natural course?

[Ozzie101]

Do I be there for her or let this run its natural course?

That depends on what you feel comfortable with. It's fine to be there as a support. But be careful not to become her sole support. You don't want her to lean entirely on you, to the point that it takes over your life or you find yourself in an uncomfortable position.

In other words, you don't want to become the Rescuer in the Karpman Triangle:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

If she won't get real, intensive therapy, then her pattern is almost certain to continue. And you can't make her get therapy. The question is, what are you willing to do? What are you willing to tolerate? Decide where your boundaries are and stick to them. If it's possible for you to help her or be there for her without voiding, violating or even bending those boundaries, then there should be no problem in being there for her.

[alittleawkward]

Hi Nongler, well done for reaching out here.
Your story runs with many parallels to my own. I will say this first of all; well done, but beware.

she had told me early on she suffered with mental health (diagnosed anxiety and depression when she was younger) so I decided to learn about mental health to best handle her at her worst if it happened, read books, visited MIND and watched you tube videos, I was investing in us.

Its fab to hear how compassionate you are as a person about someone you care about. BPD can be missed as depression and anxiety and these mental illnesses make quite a mess when intertwined. My ex also had a similar diagnosis, however a friend who had the same diagnosis was informed by their psychiatrist you shouldn't be on antidepressants with BPD, and it's unlikely you have depression/anxiety with BPD but that you just show similar traits.

Anyway I found a resolve in me and I rolled up my sleeves and worked on myself, I took every reason she gave me and I smashed them over the next few months, to prove to her she was wrong. I’m glad to say I’ve transformed and I even see a therapist to keep my focus on my goals and help me talk things through.

Working on yourself and putting yourself first is always the best action. Well done on your improvement. Spending time away from it all is good, and allows you to reflect on the situation and yourself. The more the better.

She then asked me to come in to the doctor with her, so I went in and she started to break down to the doctor and say that she had been having thoughts of killing herself over the last 6 weeks and has had these thoughts since we split...

Please be wary - if she does suffer with BPD she'll have hooks in you and with abandonment fears, she will not let them go. My ex also let me know she was suicidal after the split and managed to pin it on me, but on reflection I am totally convinced this was a last ditch manipulative effort by her.

now we’re on good terms and she is finally on antidepressants which she refused to take before.

Again I am truly happy you were able to be civil enough to be on good terms - some people never find this resolution, and quite frankly I envy you!

So I read up on BPD and I now see the point she devalued me in the relationship, the obsession in the beginning, her sexual promiscuity in the past, her reliance on alcohol in the past and present.

These are all common traits with BPD, but it's also important to know that whilst they will cherish and love you, the devaluing will continue, and the obsession with you will disintegrate. The reason BPD relationships are so intense is because emotions are always flying all over the place, and we sought how it was at the start. Unfortunately it's rare to get that golden period back, and unrealistic to hold out for it. You will become your partners emotional caretaker which is an extremely heavy burden to carry.

I asked her what she did NYE and she told me she spent the night with her ex! Now this ex isn’t a significant ex, she always described him as a psycho and he used to stalk her all the time, she blocked him on all social media etc, he is a horrible guy, all her friends told me that he was the worst.

Again, my ex did similar, taking her stalker ex on her birthday night out she knew I would be attending and they groped each other in a display of public affection. They also went on holiday together shortly after I made it clear I didn't want to get back with her. This may be a low dig to try and get you to save her from herself, it may be her abandonment fears, or it may be that she has sunk so low she has gone back to the person she knows she'll get consistent attention from. You are better than paying it any attention and being hurt by it. If she is self destructive that should be her problem.

So I’m confused, I want her back but the way she is behaving goes against my values, I have always said I can’t be with her unless she has a massive course of therapy and seeks the help she needs but I just want to understand why she is always in my life despite her telling me recently we’re just friends etc? She looks at me all the time when we’re together and I know she still loves me.

You said it yourself - realistically for it to work if you were to get back together she needs to change and get help, but you can't force that upon anyone. If someone really wants to change or get help, they will. My ex started selling nudes, slandering my friends and associating herself with her ex whilst blaming me for her supposed suicidal thoughts. She also went on to reveal how much she lied to me throughout our relationship, but despite all this I still held out for her saying that if she could change it would be fine. But she never did. I applaud your chivalry for being able to be friends with your ex, but don't kid yourself. The constant degrading and picking apart a BPD partner can do is well on the way to emotional abuse, and after a while, in reflection, its not great. You can tell they're not ill meant, but ultimately, their actions don't prove this.

Talk to your close friends about it all. Say specific examples of occasions, good and bad. See what they have to say. Decide if you're comfortable going back to the bad times of the relationship just as much as the good. Relationship dynamics change drastically as soon as you become 'a thing'. See if she will really get help and change for you and is not just trying to cover your eyes with a blanket of lies. It just hurts more if that's the case.

All the best.

[Ozzie101]

Many good points, alittleawkward! It's always good to hear from someone who's been through a similar experience.

One thing I want to point out:

See if she will really get help and change for you

Something my therapist warned me to be wary of when my H started getting therapy: If he talks about doing it for me or for us, it's a red flag. In order for therapy to really take hold and work (and for him to stick with it), he had to want to do it for himself. To make himself better. If the person is doing it solely for you or for your relationship, it may just be a manipulation tactic and may not be fully sincere, in which case it won't work long-term.

[Nongler4545]

Thanks Guys this is such good information and support and its good to hear its not just me.

I have unfollowed her on social media as I need to create space in my life, I was quite anxious with it and I didn't block her as I didn't want her to feel abandoned by me.

I'm truly in that limbo land where I clearly still feel such strong feelings for her but i'm also conflicted with anger and disappointment in her. I have seen glimpses of the beautiful soul that she is and I really hope she gets help to control this disorder, I miss her so much but I have to put myself first.

I worry for her as she is truly alone right now, her family are too scared to speak to her and she makes sure they only know the minimum, her friends are just as troubled as she is and this makes her behaviour normal in their world? She seems to attract friends who she feels she needs to fix (she is a qualified Psychologist too which makes this harder)

I was the only person in her life who was grounded and she shared everything with me and still does but I was getting overwhelmed myself with the constant coming in for the support and help and then disappearing, you start questioning is it you?

Thanks Again for the support, the website has been so helpful

[Ozzie101]

It's natural to worry and care for her. I get it. I really do. But you're wise to focus on yourself.

So many people here (including me, to some extent) fall into the trap of becoming the Rescuer. Putting the other person and their needs first out, often with the best of intentions. But that scenario is not sustainable and can lead to some very unpleasant places.

Unfollowing and creating space for yourself is a good step. The decisions she makes are hers. So are the consequences. Again, not easy to watch for someone we care about, but it's usually the best, healthiest way. The other path leads to codependency.

It sounds like you're on a good track.

[Nongler4545]

It's natural to worry and care for her. I get it. I really do. But you're wise to focus on yourself.

So many people here (including me, to some extent) fall into the trap of becoming the Rescuer. Putting the other person and their needs first out, often with the best of intentions. But that scenario is not sustainable and can lead to some very unpleasant places.

Unfollowing and creating space for yourself is a good step. The decisions she makes are hers. So are the consequences. Again, not easy to watch for someone we care about, but it's usually the best, healthiest way. The other path leads to codependency.

It sounds like you're on a good track.

Thanks Ozzie I know i'm going in the right direction, I will keep the distance to protect myself now.
Its funny I read up about how BPD sufferers forget things, major stuff that would be so important to me, the more I read about BPD the more I see the patterns and behaviours.

Maybe its too late for my ex, I hope not, I hope she finds the strength to seek help, who knows, I may meet a stronger, stable ex in the future, but for now I need to seek out my destiny.

Thanks