No diagnosis and my W does not know what I believe I know

[weatherthestorm]

Hi there,

First post here, I have been reading different boards and posts and it is pretty amazing how many non-BP's are affected. I am married over 9 years and just recently had my mind blown as I discovered what BPD is. My W and I went to couples counseling for almost a year and it wasn't until our last session that our therapist told me to look up BPD and see if anything resonated with my relationship. I feel like all of a sudden there was a reason, and explanation for everything I have been going through for over 9 years.

As of now we are both in individual therapy. My W still has not been "diagnosed" and her therapist has not talked to her about it. She has talked to her about her childhood and her trauma with her mother, she is focusing on that which I think is good however she still has not even mentioned BPD or any current issues. Last week my W was sick and had to cancel, the therapist charged her a full session cost cancellation fee and now my W is so upset with the late fee and not wanting to talk about her childhood she wants to stop her therapy. The problem is I have been reading a LOT about BPD and while I cannot diagnose her, she has a lot of the symptoms. However since her therapist has not talked to her about it, and she wants to stop going, I am not sure how to proceed. I can use tools around how to communicate, set boundaries, etc, but she has no idea what BPD is and continues to blame me for everything wrong in our relationship.

We have 3 kids and I am fighting to keep this together for them and for our family, but I feel like I am in a terrible storm and I am trying to hold on to the branch so I don't blow away until the storm calms. But if my W never discusses this with a professional, and I cannot tell her about it, I am concerned how much longer I can hold on. Our kids take a lot of her issues as well with threats, manipulation, etc. Without her knowing of this and if she does have BPD, and no ownership to try and change, how do I continue to keep my calm and use coping mechanisms? I feel like in a way I am hiding this from her, even though I understand I can't be the one to label her or diagnose her.

Divorce is the word thrown out by her after most arguments. I'm trying to avoid this for our kids but not sure how much longer I can hold on.

Not sure what to do...

WTS

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[AND-01]

Hi and welcome to the board!

Your situation sounds much like mine expect I have one less child.

What age are the children and how much of the effects of BPD do they see? Both mine have started counselling as I could see a downward move in their behaviour over the past year - even getting them to therapy without my wife blocking it was a difficult task. Have you considered therapy for them?

I was encouraged to get my children into team sports and to try to be social so they could see others and decide what 'normal' should look like.

Whilst I don't want divorce I have accepted that I may have to go down this line to protect the children. However, this is a last resort from my perspective. My wife often makes various threats of separation when things don't go her way. I would suggest thinking about and planning what you would do if there was a separation, what scenarios you would have to deal with and how you could - are they at school, can you do the school runs with support if you were a lone parent, what would your finances look like, what if the separation isn't an easy one? Personally I get a lot of comfort to know I have a fall back even if I know nothing ever goes to plan.

As per my post elsewhere in the board I am at the point where a diagnosis seems crucial for my wife's own benefit and improvement, for the relationship, for our children and also if things go wrong to protect the children in divorce and avoid a custody split (last resort scenario)

[weatherthestorm]

Thanks And-01,
Kids are S7, D4, and D1. All very young still. Honestly I am not sure how much they recognize the behavior yet, they see it and experience it but not sure the really understand it. She definitely has her moments when she threatens the kids or brings them into our fight, that is one of our bigger challenges. I often ask her to not involve the kids, but she cant help it. She will accuse me of not doing everything and her doing everything, or when she gets mad at them threaten to take away all presents for Christmas and just cancel it. They are all very extreme and manipulative for such young kids having what I consider normal and age appropriate behavior.

I have thought about therapy, mostly for my D4 who seems to exhibit the most emotional instability and risk to this. But currently I see NO WAY of getting her into therapy without my wife being present and impacting the success. I have gotten the kids into sports, much to my W's objection, however my D4 struggles with anxiety of new situations or group activities. She has been doing gymnastics for almost a year and a half and still says she doesn't want to go every time and about a quarter of the time throws huge tantrums and fights it even at the gym.

I have started down the "planning" phase, I have even created a budget for each of us to survive on one income each. In a perfect world I would give her the house and all equity and she would find a way to create that consistency for out kids without a complicated or high conflict divorce, but I knot that is a pipe dream. She is a high conflict person, the emotional experience of a divorce if it does happen will not go well.

I appreciate your thoughts and insight, definitely a difficult situation in life to be in. As I told my therapist last week, even if I can be successful in managing my responses and thinking of this as more of a chess match, I feel like I am giving up on the healthy and loving relationship I had planned for. Not a fictional love story, but one in which we support each other, have each others back, are on the same page in our child raising, and where we can agree to disagree with love and respect. At this point I feel like even if I can change how I respond and we make this work for the family, I am sacrificing so much in my own happiness.

Thanks again And-o1

WTS

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi WTS, welcome to the family!

I understand that you feel it is important for your wife to continue therapy, and you hope that she can get a proper diagnosis and receive the appropriate treatment. Many of us have been in the same spot.

It is good that your couples counselor recognized that BPD traits are present. I'm assuming that the counselor told you this without your wife present. Were there any suggestions for how to proceed? Does your individual counselor know about what you suspect?

Sometimes a therapist will suspect BPD but not tell the client because they want to build trust. Often, a client will reject the diagnosis and stop going to therapy because they believe that the counselor is telling them something is wrong with them or that they are the problem. Rarely does a person get diagnosed with BPD and say, "oh, wow, I'm so glad you told me, what should I do to get better?"

Here is an article that explains this in more detail:

How to Get a Borderline Into Therapy

For you, it may be helpful to explore your concerns and options in the relationship with your own therapist. There are a few books that are recommended here that can help you with tools to communicate. One is Stop Walking On Eggshells, and another is Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder.

If you follow this link, it will take you to our book review section:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=33.0

Is your couples counselor aware of the concerning behavior towards the children?

[weatherthestorm]

Thanks Redeemed, yeah I do think that her therapist is focusing on her past and not calling out BPD as part of her approach. However it does make it difficult to have this knowledge and feel like I am labeling her when she has no idea what is happening.

My therapist is well aware and fully agrees that she is exhibiting BPD type behavior based on my explanation of several events. He also recommended a few books and I am reading Stop Walking on Eggshells right now. It has helped a bit.

I started to look into CBD as an option to help with stress and anxiety, she has admitted feeling more depressed and having more anxiety and shortness of breath lately, although she ties it to mensuration only. She has agreed to try CBD and see if it helps so I’m hoping that has some small but real benefits in our daily interactions.

Cautiously optimistic...

WTS