BPD + Cancer = Super fun

[WorksNeverDone]

Hello,
I'm new here.  My wife has BPD as well as stage 4 breast cancer.  We have separated multiple times in the past year due to her infidelity and the continued negativity/stress/emotional abuse that she brings to our relationship.  She will finally be starting a support group/dialectical therapy for her BPD this week.  We seem to have hit the same cycle on repeat.  She feels trapped between her desires to live a life of complete freedom/exploration (including new romantic partners) and losing her place of security/safety/love.  Her resentment about feeling trapped builds to where our relationships becomes untenable and we separate.  I start to get healthy during the separation.  She doesn't find what she is looking for during the separation, comes back, says she's ready to "give up" the damaging elements of her desires (affairs) and moves back into the house.  Then she immediately starts to feel trapped again and like she's denying her "true" self by compromising on her desires in order to feel safe/grounded.  Then the suicidal ideations start and she is bed-ridden with depression.  She has no support system other than me because she has successfully pushed everyone else in her life away (or others are better at setting boundaries than I am).  So my life becomes a daily "suicide prevention."  There's no telling how long these episodes will last.  Historically, the only things that break her out of her deep depression are fast/furious romantic relationships which give her the "counter balance" to the darkness/depression that is inside of her.  Rinse and repeat.  I am getting therapy and getting much better at setting boundaries, but I still feel paralyzed by the situation frequently.  We have an 11 year-old daughter.  My wife has cancer, which makes her episodes infinitely more intense.  She has not been successful at holding down jobs or caring for herself. 
Anyway, I realize I've chosen to stay in this situation for now and I'd like to make it as positive/bearable as possible.  Looking forward to being in connection with others who face similar challenges in their relationships!   

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pursuingJoy]

WND, sounds like you have your hands full. Thanks for sharing. So glad you've taken the step to get into therapy. You're in a caretaker position at the moment which can be draining. Fill up your own tank so that you have something to offer.   

Are you able to identify what exactly makes you feel paralyzed? And how is your daughter doing with all of this?

[WorksNeverDone]

Thank you, PJ!
There are a lot of things that make me feel paralyzed.  It's rooted in the way that my wife's BPD manifested.  After 9 years together where she was kind, smart, supportive, affectionate, she had a 180.  She began having affairs, she began to criticize and belittle me and the beliefs that we had shared until she rejected them.  All of those things happened over a 3-year period which left me wondering what planet I was now living on.  After that, I had her committed for her severe suicidal ideations/desires.  The medication she took left her a zombie for 2 years.  No ups/downs, poor memory, barely able to care for herself.  But she was remorseful for her previous actions and had a "return" to her faith/values.  She began to work off of her meds under the care of a psychiatrist and began to "normalize," but was diagnosed with cancer and then a recurrence which was metastatic.  That really lit a fire under her to "live her full life" where she re-rejected her values/faith and began to travel at will and reengage old affair partners. 
I think that my paralysis comes in feeling like I don't know who the "real" her is.  Is it the one who is will lie/deceive/betray me?  Or is it the kind, loving, affectionate, supportive person that I met 18 years ago?  I know that the answer is "both."  Both her and I have made great strides.  She recognizes when she starts to go negative and acknowledges the impact to me, and she tries to not go there.  But she has no one else and she needs so much support.  It becomes all-consuming.  I realize that I have my own wounds and have wanted to feel like a savior.  I acknowledge that hasn't worked, and am willing to leave the relationship if she is unfaithful again.  I think I need to broaden my boundaries to where I am willing to leave even if she goes negative and engages me in an unacceptable way.  But then I see her as this wounded little girl crying out for help and I don't know how to prioritize myself over helping a wounded child.  (I realize she's not actually a wounded child, but I see that as the root of her issues).  So it's probably my codependence that paralyzes me.