at a loss

[birdie1950]

My 43 yr old daughter, who is married with a husband and 2 children (ages 25 & 18) all live in the same house. She is a twin, but her twin sister died 4 1/2 years ago suddenly from a heart attack. The grief has been so hard on her, and for the last year it seems she is exhibiting traits of BPD. She has been in treatment off and on since the age of 9 for anxiety disorder and OCD, but these symptoms of BPD seem to have cropped up as she appears to be stuck in her grief for her twin. Some days I am her best friend and ally and then a conversation will occur and she lashes out at me saying that I don't love her or that I am talking about her to her two surviving siblings, a sister 35 and brother 37. She is currently refusing to talk to me other than to tell me what a bad mother I am for favoring her siblings by talking to them more often than I do her. I do not see the situation as she does. I am so worried about her and after reading some of the book Stop Walking on Eggshells, I am even more concerned for how she must be feeling and whether or not BPD is the issue. I am just at a loss as to how to help her. Any support is greatly appreciated, birdie1950

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Blueskyday]

I am so sorry for your loss.

I may be wrong but if it was BPD proper then it would have been this way from puberty ish.

It may be a complex grief. I am sure she must be experiencing the most awful emotions. Survivors guilt could also be at play here. The rug has been pulled right from under her. She may feel she is going to die.

Maybe being a twin she feels that it is more her grief than yours.

I would google twin survivor and see if that is of any help.

You will learn a lot of coping strategies here so stick around

[Harri]

Hi and welcome!

I am glad you reached out to us.  Some of our members have pwBPD (people with BPD) who are diagnosed and some who have traits of BPD.  Regardless, we can help support you, and as blueskyday said, we have tools here you can learn that can help you considerably. 

What would you say your primary goal is (more specifically than helping your daughter)?  What sort of supports do you have?

I hope you share more and settle in and read.  A good place to start is here:  How to get the most from this site