I need some guidance into understanding my situation

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello everyone. This is my first post here after being a lurker on this website for a while. So I am writing about my (19m) story with my ex (19f). So we met up in high school when we were 17. I have been with her for 2 years and throughout this time we have had a very intense relationship. At first I had no idea what bpd was and it was very hard for me to understand what my partner was going through at the time. She told me that she thought she was worthless constantly, told me I deserved better, and frequently felt like she wanted to kill herself. About 1 year into the relationship around September she got very bad and was constantly arguing with me about everything. She then 3 days after our first year anniversary dumped me and started dating a classmate in college. This devastated me and I spent lots of time thinking I was the cause for the breakup and that if only I was better we could have continued to stay together.

2 months after being with this classmate she and him broke up and I started talking to her again. She was actually very mean to me when I reached out and the more I asked why she was being mean she continued to become more hurtful. Eventually I told her that she couldn't keep treating me this way and that I was going to leave from her life if she continued. She then stopped and we started to date once again. During our first separation I improved myself and worked on all the issues that she told me ended the relationship in the first place. Everything went well for a bit and then I started to notice how no matter how good I was or how much I made life easier for her she still had the same problems that she had before our separation. I urged her to go to therapy for the sake of her own personal wellbeing and she agreed. The therapy did help a bit and it made her outbursts reduce in intensity and duration. However over time she began to skip appointments or just directly lie to her therapist. Her outbursts got worse and I honestly was not very helpful when it came to communicating in a way that did not trigger her. Sometimes when she was having an outburst I would try to ask what was wrong which would escalate the situation so much so that she would cry and begin to feel worthless. These arguments sometimes would escalate into moments where she would scream and cry and say that she no longer wanted to be with me and this caused me to become fearful of her leaving me. In October we had a wonderful month where we didn't argue and we had so many wonderful dates and it was honestly very perfect. I finally felt like our relationship was becoming stable. Then November came and she started becoming very distant. She was answering my texts less frequently, she made less plans, and she became very depressed. Eventually I confronted her and asked why she was acting this way and she said that she felt like she wanted to breakup with me. I was shocked because not only was it hurtful to hear but I felt like despite all my effort I couldn't make the relationship work.

We broke up on November 20th and a week later I find out she started dating a stoner co worker who had just started working there 2 weeks prior to our break up. Again I confronted her and she told me that she was seeing him and that she loved him. Despite this however she continued to reach out and she was very flirty with me all of December. We even had sex once during December and did other intimate things while she was with this guy. I kept asking her why does she hang out with me if she loves this other guy and she tells me that I am the love of her life but she feels like it is not our time right now. She then apologized for all hurt she caused me and told me she felt like she was the one who caused our relationship to deteriorate. After out last meeting a week ago. She said she no longer wants to cheat and she no longer wants to hangout for a long time. That was a week ago and I have been in NC since. Now since our breakup I learned about BPD and I think my ex may have bpd. A lot of her behavior makes more sense when I started reading more about bpd on this wonderful site. I have read walking on eggshells and have tried to learn more about healthy communication with people with bpd. I actually used some of the tools here to talk to my ex in December and she liked the new form of communication I established a lot better. I stopped JADEing and I learned to validate her feelings but the problem is that it's impossible for me to talk to her in a healthy way while she is with someone else. So basically my desire is to establish a new relationship with my ex since I love her very much. With all the ups and downs, I still love her quirks as a person. I am willing to learn as much as I can on BPD in order to ensure a stronger relationship with her in the future. My only concern is that she is dating someone else. They are moving so fast and she said they are getting serious. I'm worried that I may never get a chance to be in her life again and it saddens me greatly. She has unfollowed me on social media and blocked my number because of her new bf. I feel like I can't do anything to help my situation. My only choice is NC and I understand pushing things will only make matters worse. I just am confused about my situation and I feel like I need some input from someone in order to calm my fears/concerns.

[Springsun]

Hello everyone. This is my first post here after being a lurker on this website for a while. So I am writing about my (19m) story with my ex (19f). So we met up in high school when we were 17. I have been with her for 2 years and throughout this time we have had a very intense relationship. At first I had no idea what bpd was and it was very hard for me to understand what my partner was going through at the time. She told me that she thought she was worthless constantly, told me I deserved better, and frequently felt like she wanted to kill herself. About 1 year into the relationship around September she got very bad and was constantly arguing with me about everything. She then 3 days after our first year anniversary dumped me and started dating a classmate in college. This devastated me and I spent lots of time thinking I was the cause for the breakup and that if only I was better we could have continued to stay together.

2 months after being with this classmate she and him broke up and I started talking to her again. She was actually very mean to me when I reached out and the more I asked why she was being mean she continued to become more hurtful. Eventually I told her that she couldn't keep treating me this way and that I was going to leave from her life if she continued. She then stopped and we started to date once again. During our first separation I improved myself and worked on all the issues that she told me ended the relationship in the first place. Everything went well for a bit and then I started to notice how no matter how good I was or how much I made life easier for her she still had the same problems that she had before our separation. I urged her to go to therapy for the sake of her own personal wellbeing and she agreed. The therapy did help a bit and it made her outbursts reduce in intensity and duration. However over time she began to skip appointments or just directly lie to her therapist. Her outbursts got worse and I honestly was not very helpful when it came to communicating in a way that did not trigger her. Sometimes when she was having an outburst I would try to ask what was wrong which would escalate the situation so much so that she would cry and begin to feel worthless. These arguments sometimes would escalate into moments where she would scream and cry and say that she no longer wanted to be with me and this caused me to become fearful of her leaving me. In October we had a wonderful month where we didn't argue and we had so many wonderful dates and it was honestly very perfect. I finally felt like our relationship was becoming stable. Then November came and she started becoming very distant. She was answering my texts less frequently, she made less plans, and she became very depressed. Eventually I confronted her and asked why she was acting this way and she said that she felt like she wanted to breakup with me. I was shocked because not only was it hurtful to hear but I felt like despite all my effort I couldn't make the relationship work.

We broke up on November 20th and a week later I find out she started dating a stoner co worker who had just started working there 2 weeks prior to our break up. Again I confronted her and she told me that she was seeing him and that she loved him. Despite this however she continued to reach out and she was very flirty with me all of December. We even had sex once during December and did other intimate things while she was with this guy. I kept asking her why does she hang out with me if she loves this other guy and she tells me that I am the love of her life but she feels like it is not our time right now. She then apologized for all hurt she caused me and told me she felt like she was the one who caused our relationship to deteriorate. After out last meeting a week ago. She said she no longer wants to cheat and she no longer wants to hangout for a long time. That was a week ago and I have been in NC since. Now since our breakup I learned about BPD and I think my ex may have bpd. A lot of her behavior makes more sense when I started reading more about bpd on this wonderful site. I have read walking on eggshells and have tried to learn more about healthy communication with people with bpd. I actually used some of the tools here to talk to my ex in December and she liked the new form of communication I established a lot better. I stopped JADEing and I learned to validate her feelings but the problem is that it's impossible for me to talk to her in a healthy way while she is with someone else. So basically my desire is to establish a new relationship with my ex since I love her very much. With all the ups and downs, I still love her quirks as a person. I am willing to learn as much as I can on BPD in order to ensure a stronger relationship with her in the future. My only concern is that she is dating someone else. They are moving so fast and she said they are getting serious. I'm worried that I may never get a chance to be in her life again and it saddens me greatly. She has unfollowed me on social media and blocked my number because of her new bf. I feel like I can't do anything to help my situation. My only choice is NC and I understand pushing things will only make matters worse. I just am confused about my situation and I feel like I need some input from someone in order to calm my fears/concerns.

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[TheExFiancee]

Hello and welcome, Springsun!

Parts of this remind me of my own situation.
I know that those sudden rebound relationships hurt like nothing else in this world, I feel your pain and I admire how positive you're staying here.

I made the experience that none of the new relationships lasted longer than 1-3 months.

What you suggested really is the best approach. As long as she is sadly distracted by someone new, you shouldn't be reaching out/ run after her. My ex (24m) always made contact himself at one point after his break ups with other women, no contact is the best thing to not harm your chances further and to give you the time to focus and work on yourself.

I hope you can make it work! It's just so hard not being able to control what the person you love is doing and words and actions can be so different unfortunately.

All the best!

[Springsun]

Thank you so much for the reply. I really do hope the relationship she has now doesn't last long but who knows. I need to get to a point where even if she marries this new guy I'll be fine to continue living my life. Do you have any tips on dealing with the emotional turmoil you feel when you see your ex with another person?

[TheExFiancee]

Getting in therapy myself and taking antidepressants has helped me the most.
Also keeping myself busy, distracting myself is helping.

This might be a bit early for you right now but I also started going out, dating causually while being upfront and honest about the situation with my ex when I am meeting new people and also being honest with my ex when he is asking (which he barely does).
As I'm in a long distance situation, there is no way for him to find out about it and get hurt.
It helps me talking about what happened to me with those different individuals (although you must be careful who you trust because it could get back to her).

I don't know if that's an option for you?
There might be activities that make more sense than dating, like working out a lot, so you feel better about yourself and they'll see/sense it? I just struggle getting myself to do this.

You could try and see your friends more often.
Go out and do fun activities. Try to be in the Moment and enjoy them. Cinema, golfing, bowling, picnics and walks in the park?

Also learning about Borderline helped. My therapist talked to me about it, I read books about it, I started reading in the Forum, on the Internet, Posts from the ones who struggle with BPD themselves…

I also love lighting a candle/meditate/pray, I think taking time to mourn the relationship is important, because it's not possible to just start a new healthy one with your BPD Partner or with someone else if you don't take your time to grieve and make peace with the thought that things might never be the same again.
If she Returns it's the best to be ready to see this all as something new and let go of the pain the break up caused.

Just see what feels right for you in the process.