Getting back on my feet

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I have been in two long-term relationships with partners with BPD/NPD. When I read about these issues I read a lot about abuse and extreme behaviours. With my recent ex, the "abuse" was so subtle that I still can't quite explain it. It has left me feeling exhausted, heartbroken, and with very low self-worth. And he had the knack of blaming me - it was my own lack of esteem and self-love and direction that was the problem, not him. He got angry at me often for very little things that I did wrong. Often I could see his point, I'm definitely not perfect and I make a lot of mistakes. Ultimately I think the point is not that it's not okay to have discussions about how to meet each other's needs in relationship. It's okay if my partner doesn't agree with everything I do. But it is about how that is communicated. And how much balance there is with love and support.

The main message I was often hearing was "You're doing things wrong, you're not trying hard enough, you should be different, you shouldn't be struggling so much." What I'd like and need in a relationship is someone who says "I love and support you, go for what you want to do and I'm here for you however that turns out". And the way I'd like communication about triggers in relationship to go is something like "I am very triggered by what you just said/did, give me some time to sort through how I feel so I can tell you what I need and we can find a solution together". What I heard often from my ex was "What you just did is totally unacceptable, I am really really angry and I want you to go away and I don't want to talk about it or look for a solution, it's your fault and you need to change something".

I'd lost hope that those kinds of loving messages are possible in a relationship. But when I become clear about how it is I want to be treated I think "hey, if I can treat people that way, then sure as heck there are others out there who can do that too, right?".

Are there people who know the kind of "subtle" abuse I am talking about? Can it even be called abuse? And how did you find your way back to more self-esteem?

[kittykay]

I have been in two long-term relationships with partners with BPD/NPD. When I read about these issues I read a lot about abuse and extreme behaviours. With my recent ex, the "abuse" was so subtle that I still can't quite explain it. It has left me feeling exhausted, heartbroken, and with very low self-worth. And he had the knack of blaming me - it was my own lack of esteem and self-love and direction that was the problem, not him. He got angry at me often for very little things that I did wrong. Often I could see his point, I'm definitely not perfect and I make a lot of mistakes. Ultimately I think the point is not that it's not okay to have discussions about how to meet each other's needs in relationship. It's okay if my partner doesn't agree with everything I do. But it is about how that is communicated. And how much balance there is with love and support.

The main message I was often hearing was "You're doing things wrong, you're not trying hard enough, you should be different, you shouldn't be struggling so much." What I'd like and need in a relationship is someone who says "I love and support you, go for what you want to do and I'm here for you however that turns out". And the way I'd like communication about triggers in relationship to go is something like "I am very triggered by what you just said/did, give me some time to sort through how I feel so I can tell you what I need and we can find a solution together". What I heard often from my ex was "What you just did is totally unacceptable, I am really really angry and I want you to go away and I don't want to talk about it or look for a solution, it's your fault and you need to change something".

I'd lost hope that those kinds of loving messages are possible in a relationship. But when I become clear about how it is I want to be treated I think "hey, if I can treat people that way, then sure as heck there are others out there who can do that too, right?".

Are there people who know the kind of "subtle" abuse I am talking about? Can it even be called abuse? And how did you find your way back to more self-esteem?

[dt9000]

Hi Kitty,

While my relationship with my BPDex was generally more high conflict, there were lots of instances of abusive treatment like you described above. Subtle jabs and nasty things said quietly under her breath were common. It often led to these circular arguments where she would say something negative about me, I would say that wasn't very nice of her, then she would go on a long tirade about how I'm too sensitive or naive or never change, and I would ultimately apologize to her for misunderstanding what she said. Meanwhile my head is spinning and I'm still stuck on the subtle negative comment about my appearance, intelligence, etc.

The journey to regain my self esteem began in therapy. Leaving the abusive partner, reconnecting with family and creating new friendships also helped.

dt9000

[Lucky Jim]

Hey kittykay, I'm sorry to hear what you've been through.  When did you part ways with your recent Ex?  How did the b/u come about?

Sure, abuse can be subtle.  Call it "death by a thousand cuts."  His anger over minor things sounds quite typical of a pwBPD.

You deserve respect and, yes, I think it's possible to receive loving messages in a r/s.

In terms of raising one's self-esteem, I would suggest that self-love and self-acceptance comprise the starting point.  It sound easy, but can be a pretty challenging assignment for us Nons, who are used to putting the needs of others ahead of ours.  Try putting yourself first for a change.

LuckyJim

[Dyson]

"I have been in two long-term relationships with partners with BPD/NPD. When I read about these issues I read a lot about abuse and extreme behaviours. With my recent ex, the "abuse" was so subtle that I still can't quite explain it".

I totally understand what you are saying. I too have had two long-term relationships with partners with traits of BPD and NPD. The first one (14 years) was more overt in their traits and abuse. The second one (5.5 years), just like you say, was very subtle – if subtle abuse is not an oxymoron. It was so subtle that it gently and unbeknown to me sliced away at my self-esteem like one of those very fine cheese slicers cuts cheese. The point at which she ended the relationship wasn’t subtle she ended it by strongly painting me black. Although much of her reasoning was contradictory and confused she did say she’d lost respect for me and attraction to me. I’ve subsequently – 12 months after our split and 6 months since having communication with her – realised that I allowed her to grind down my self-esteem and then her blame me for not being attractive to her. The subtle process by which this happened is absolutely frightening. It started with a ‘normal’ criticism of ‘you could have done that better’, to growing over time to seep into all areas of my life. I’m starting to get myself together and build myself up and to recognise not only the process by which she ground down my self-esteem but also my own role in building healthy self-esteem and secure boundaries around myself.

[SinisterComplex]

Hey kittykay, I'm sorry to hear what you've been through.  When did you part ways with your recent Ex?  How did the b/u come about?

Sure, abuse can be subtle.  Call it "death by a thousand cuts."  His anger over minor things sounds quite typical of a pwBPD.

You deserve respect and, yes, I think it's possible to receive loving messages in a r/s.

In terms of raising one's self-esteem, I would suggest that self-love and self-acceptance comprise the starting point.  It sound easy, but can be a pretty challenging assignment for us Nons, who are used to putting the needs of others ahead of ours.  Try putting yourself first for a change.

LuckyJim

I was going to say something truly eloquent and supportive here, but LJ kind of crushed it here. Don't be afraid to put yourself first. Also, if you notice subtle passive aggressive behaviors gnawing away at your self-esteem from anyone then call them out. Remember...conflict spurs growth. Do not be afraid and always remain resolute. Respect yourself and command respect from others. Ok so maybe I can still add something eloquent here...Want Better, Expect Better, Do Better!

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[kittykay]

Thank you all so much for your helpful and thoughtful replies. Putting myself first is definitely something I'm trying to do more of. And it's easier said than done, I don't always notice the ways in which I allow my boundaries to be crossed and I am used to pushing away my needs. But I'm hopeful that I'm making my way towards more self-care and stronger boundaries.

We broke up about 5 months ago, but still lived together for two months after that. And since then have also had contact, most recently over Christmas. Usually things are really good between us for a little while but as soon as we spend too much time together it all goes downhill and we end up having a lot of conflict. I think we both actually need a lot of downtime and self-care time but when we're together somehow lose sight of our needs. It's weird because in a way we do appreciate each other, but there's this invisible threshold we always seem to cross and then things end up in conflict. I'm trying to understand it because I don't think he's inherently a bad person, just really has his struggles and stuff to deal with. And when that triggers my difficulties things can feel very dramatic and traumatic. And over time unfortunately this has caused a build-up of anxiety and unhappiness for me. It's small steps and taking it easy right now, I've been through a lot of changes lately and am slowly getting back on my feet.

[once removed]

I have been in two long-term relationships with partners with BPD/NPD.

are you talking about a new relationship since the one that brought you here?

[kittykay]

No, same relationship that brought me here looking to understand the dynamic