I am always chasing basic human needs...

[Depression = 72% of members]

One of the hardest dynamics of my relationship is my GF withholding basic relationship needs.  She does things like:
1. Turns and gives me her cheek when I go to kiss her goodbye.  Tells me that I don't deserve the lips because she is angry or not happy.  Uhhhh...me either, but I still love you and care and want to work on this.
2. We always text each other goodnight since we don't live in the same house.  Just a relationship ritual.  Instead of the usual lovey dovey goodnight text, she has changed to just saying "bye".
3. We have had no intimacy in months (this is really long for us).  She will repeatedly throw out that she doesn't like me enough to be intimate.

She purposely and consciously withholds these things and tells me she will re-engage in the relationship when I CHANGE.  Ah, there is one of my most hated words.  Right there with the word "normal" which she uses all the time.  CHANGE, CHANGE, CHANGE.  I specifically avoid this word, even if there are things I want to change.  Simply using that word just makes someone feel like they are not adequate the way they are.  Sure, there are things about her that I would change if I could but what I really want is the relationship to change. 

I will ask her what i need to change, just so we can get on the same page, and she usually responds with, "I have told you so many times, you figure it out."  BTW...I asked her what I need to change last night and got this response, "Think of others, No pointing fingers, Don't get defensive, listen."  That makes it sound like all I need to do is work on my JADEing and work on the listening/empathy skills so often suggested on this board.  I do find it interesting that the things she listed are all major things she does to me.  The only one I am not guilty of in her list is thinking of others.  I am constantly putting myself (and my kids at times) behind her and her kids.  I am started making me and my kids a priority as well lately, so maybe that is where she is coming from.

I have danced this dance before with my ex-wife, and it is this specific mindset that caused me to finally pull away from my exW for good.  Making the other person in the relationship feel like that have to earn your love never goes over well with me.  Seriously, does negative reinforcement ever work in a relationship setting (aka...I will withhold all of the things in the relationship you want until you make me happy first).  A little history, my previous marriage was not healthy at all.  We got married young before either of us knew who we were.  Unfortunately, we didn't realize this until after we had 2 kids.  So you push through a terrible marriage and just take on a mother and father role for the kids, drifting apart with every passing day.  I drifted far enough to where I cheated on her with a co-worker.  We did counseling and marriage reconciliation retreats, all of that stuff.  But my ex was very hurt and never truly forgave me.  She held that infidelity over my head and used it to make me feel like I was indebted to her for the rest of my life.  That felt a awful lot like this "change and I will re-engage in the relationship" or "you first" mentality of my current GF. 

To me, the "you first" mentality will destroy every time.  One person should never feel indebted or like that have to earn the love and affection that should exist in all relationships. 

To me, there should be a baseline level of love that should not be dipped below under any circumstances.   

[strugglingBF]

One of the hardest dynamics of my relationship is my GF withholding basic relationship needs.  She does things like:
1. Turns and gives me her cheek when I go to kiss her goodbye.  Tells me that I don't deserve the lips because she is angry or not happy.  Uhhhh...me either, but I still love you and care and want to work on this.
2. We always text each other goodnight since we don't live in the same house.  Just a relationship ritual.  Instead of the usual lovey dovey goodnight text, she has changed to just saying "bye".
3. We have had no intimacy in months (this is really long for us).  She will repeatedly throw out that she doesn't like me enough to be intimate.

She purposely and consciously withholds these things and tells me she will re-engage in the relationship when I CHANGE.  Ah, there is one of my most hated words.  Right there with the word "normal" which she uses all the time.  CHANGE, CHANGE, CHANGE.  I specifically avoid this word, even if there are things I want to change.  Simply using that word just makes someone feel like they are not adequate the way they are.  Sure, there are things about her that I would change if I could but what I really want is the relationship to change. 

I will ask her what i need to change, just so we can get on the same page, and she usually responds with, "I have told you so many times, you figure it out."  BTW...I asked her what I need to change last night and got this response, "Think of others, No pointing fingers, Don't get defensive, listen."  That makes it sound like all I need to do is work on my JADEing and work on the listening/empathy skills so often suggested on this board.  I do find it interesting that the things she listed are all major things she does to me.  The only one I am not guilty of in her list is thinking of others.  I am constantly putting myself (and my kids at times) behind her and her kids.  I am started making me and my kids a priority as well lately, so maybe that is where she is coming from.

I have danced this dance before with my ex-wife, and it is this specific mindset that caused me to finally pull away from my exW for good.  Making the other person in the relationship feel like that have to earn your love never goes over well with me.  Seriously, does negative reinforcement ever work in a relationship setting (aka...I will withhold all of the things in the relationship you want until you make me happy first).  A little history, my previous marriage was not healthy at all.  We got married young before either of us knew who we were.  Unfortunately, we didn't realize this until after we had 2 kids.  So you push through a terrible marriage and just take on a mother and father role for the kids, drifting apart with every passing day.  I drifted far enough to where I cheated on her with a co-worker.  We did counseling and marriage reconciliation retreats, all of that stuff.  But my ex was very hurt and never truly forgave me.  She held that infidelity over my head and used it to make me feel like I was indebted to her for the rest of my life.  That felt a awful lot like this "change and I will re-engage in the relationship" or "you first" mentality of my current GF. 

To me, the "you first" mentality will destroy every time.  One person should never feel indebted or like that have to earn the love and affection that should exist in all relationships. 

To me, there should be a baseline level of love that should not be dipped below under any circumstances.   

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[pursuingJoy]

strugglingBF, I know you've got a lot on your plate. It sounds like you're processing your own priorities, what you value in a relationship.

After a divorce and a string of unhealthy relationships,  a friend asked one of the most helpful questions ever. She said, "What do all of these men share, and why are you attracted to it?" I found her question a strange one because to me, every single guy was different. She countered and said, "No, they're not. Think hard. There are common traits and something in you is attracted to these shared traits. Once you figure that out, you'll make different choices."

She was right. I was attracted to men with dominant mother figures, effeminate and nurturing traits, attached quickly, became demeaning when they felt insecure. Sorting that out helped me understand I was looking for connection I didn't have to my dad. There was a measure of healing and awareness that helped me make different choices. Can you answer the same question about the women in your life and identify why you're attracted to them?

[strugglingBF]

Wow, that is a very good question.  My wife was night and day different from my current GF.  They literally share nothing in common.  My ex is conservative, quiet, introverted.  My GF is outgoing, noisy, liberal, adventurous...but she is also very very unstable and extremely immature.  She also, and this is going to sound bad, just isn't very intelligent.  There are times she talks in a public setting that just make me cringe being attached to it.  Not all the time or anything.  She doesn't formulate thoughts well and she doesn't speak well.  I love her just the same.  There is actually something that she does with everyone, but she refuses to acknowledge it.  She will tell a story or talk about a topic and assume you know everything she does.  She leaves out very important details that are needed in order to follow and even have a meaningful discussion about the topic, then gets mad at you when you ask clarification questions because of this.  Holy crap, this happens all the time.  In her head she is either thinking she said those details, or she is expecting you to know everything that she knows and has totally skipped over.  It is so incredibly frustrating.  Love her just the same.  Because she doesn't formulate thoughts well, she tells extremely long stories and conversations because she is almost talking herself through it as she goes. 

I got off topic.  You asked what attracted me to her.  In all honesty, she is absolutely gorgeous.  She has beautiful blue eyes.  She is not skinny.  I would classify her a thick athletic.  She checks all the physical boxes for me.  I know what you are probably thinking...typical guy answer starting with appearance.  She is adventurous and spontaneous.  She used to be very affectionate (think lots of cuddling on the sofa watching movies, she would kiss for more than a split second peck, she actually still enjoys holding hands in public and will often grab mine (this one catches me off guard because she will shun me in every other way).  Most of that was gone 6 months in and we are now 5 years in, but those things naturally drew me in.  She used to be very adventurous and spontaneous intimately, very eager to please and try new things...huge turn on that went away 6 months in.  Intimacy turned into a "lets get this over with" thing instead of a time to connect and let go.  Probably a natural progression when other parts of the relationship start to erode.  But the intimacy changed before the dynamic of moving in together even started, which was odd.  I have always felt like the intimacy in the beginning was a lure of sorts. She used to be ultra supportive of my kids (a big turn on).  That was before we blended houses and the projecting came.  Here is another one...huge turn on...she helped my kids break out of their shells.  Their mother, who they naturally hold in very high esteem, is very introverted.  Not the type to crank music and dance for no reason.  That is more what I bring to the table, and my GF helped them get out of that introvert shell sometimes.  Take some chances on things that scare you (think roller coasters, not anything dangerous).  It was my GF, not my ex, that helped me teach my kids how to ride a bike.  It was my GF, not my ex, that taught my daughter volleyball (the only sport she truly loves and has stuck with).  Can't even explain how much of a turn on that stuff is.  Am I giving you what you asked for or just rambling?     

[pursuingJoy]

I can totally relate that having someone love your kids is an attractive quality. My question was more along the lines of identifying the qualities your wife and GF share.

I, too, thought the people I chose were completely different than the next. If you look hard, though, you'll start to see a common thread. It can help to pull on that thread. When I went through this, I thought about their FOO family structures, relationships, shared trauma, worldviews, similar ideals, values, etc.

This practice may not be helpful to you and that's ok!