Splitting

[Cpete18]

My husband has been very unstable lately. We are buying another home to move into while still working on two houses that we rent out and although it should be a very happy time because the house we are buying is going to be a much better home for us, change is absolutely my biggest obstacle when it comes to my husband. Along with his rapid mood swings from BPD he does hormone replacement therapy so his hormones tend to be all over the place which causes a lot of issues as well.

My husband is extremely critical and anal. This tends to be my most difficult issue in our marriage, the constant criticism and negativity has completely worn me down. I can not seem to control myself when it comes to him nagging or criticizing me because it’s every single day and it’s like torture to me. I’m the type of person who thrives off of acknowledgement and praise. If you tell me I did a good job, I will try twice as hard next time so you say I did a great job.

This morning he tells me he loves me so much and I am his hero. This afternoon we were working on one of the rental properties and I was scrubbing old paint speckles off of the kitchen cabinets and he comes over and complains that I’m scrubbing too hard and wearing off the finish. This is very typical of him because it happens nearly every single time I’m working on something. The cabinets are old and not in the best of shape anyway and it’s only on the sides of the cabinets, not the face of them. I say well do you want paint splatters left on there instead? Of course I say it with irritation because he was the one who told me to scrub off the paint in the first place, I wanted to paint over them. A minute later I tell him that the trim he nailed down along the cabinets did not stay and it has to be redone. This causes him to fly off the handle. I’m an idiot who never keeps my mouth shut and all I do is rip on him and he’s going to call me a stupid idiot for the rest of my life because I’m too dumb to learn when to shut my mouth. He doesn’t want to be with me anymore and he wants a divorce.

I tell him I’m leaving and I go home. I’m in the back yard feeding our dog and he comes home and locks me out of the house. I have to yell to get my 7 year old to unlock the door. She lets me in and goes in the next room. He starts calling me a retard over and over again. I don’t respond. He tells me he’s going to end up caving my head in and now he understands why a previous boyfriend beat me up and why my ex husband divorced me. I don’t say a word, even though I want to scream and yell and tell him to knock it off because my daughter is 10 feet away. He has already taken my car key so I can not leave the house.

I am avoiding him. I can tell he is hurting and I know he is starting to feel bad about what he said. The problem is that he’s already said sorry the last three days after calling me names.

I don’t know how I am supposed to be understanding and patient when I’m the one who is hurt. I feel like a failure of a mother for exposing my children to him. I feel like a complete idiot because I don’t think I will ever leave him.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Chosen]

Hi Cpete18,

I'm sorry you're hurting.  Being put through all these hurtful words really drag us down... I have been at the end of these a lot too.  Still get a lot of "that's why you suck at everything you do and people think you're useless" insults (actually, um, it's mainly him who thinks I'm useless but anyway), and when he's in an irritable mood, even me looking at him will cause him to lash out at me. 

A lot of times I feel like a failure too, and an idiot.  But we have to know that we're not idiots.  Even if we choose to stay with a man with BPD, it doesn't mean we're stupid.  At least we have the sense to reach out and to learn tools to communicate with them to improve the relationship.  I know it sounds ridiculous and I'm not exactly a poster child for being able to improve my own relationship, but the only thing I can believe is that it takes one to start changes.  And if we're willing to try, we are not complete failures. 

Sorry I'm not able to offer any help, and I'm not exactly a success story myself.  Just want to let you know that I feel your pain and your frustration and your hurt, and I'm at this place too.  Take care!

[pursuingJoy]

cpete, ugh, I really hear your concern for your daughter. I'm so sorry. I feel like a failure too sometimes. I divorced an abusive husband then married someone who has, at best, some very strong BPD traits and unhealthy ways of relating. Things are better, but I still feel a lot of guilt over how he impacts my kids. Like Chosen said, though, here we are learning new things and wanting to make changes. That carries a lot of weight. We're learning and taking responsibility and that will lead to improved relationships.

Your Dec 30 post indicated that you have some good changes coming up, that any change is triggering to your H. That seems like important insight. Do you think this is what has made him unstable recently?

[Cpete18]

Thank you for the replies. It helps so much knowing I’m not alone. If any of my friends or family knew the things my husband says to me they would be shocked and I believe every one of them would tell me to leave him, even his family, so it’s a relief to be able to come here for support and know that my marriage isn’t a complete failure.

I absolutely believe that the changes in our lives are what is triggering his rage. Any change in our day to day lives is a huge trigger for him. Whether it is my daughter coming home for Christmas break from college, or buying something or time change or season change, anything will set him off.  It is like he needs it so that he is the only part of life that is unstable and everything else has to be perfect or it makes him react poorly. Even good change is bad in my home.  Also, my father has had a very hard year battling illnesses and my husband is extremely close to him so I know that is stressful but I wish he would realize how hard it is on me too and we could lean on each other.

I feel like in a good relationship it is supposed to be the couple against the world, in mine it is always me vs my husband.

[pursuingJoy]

Good changes cause me some stress, too, but I guess this is amplified for all pwBPD. To go from hero in the morning to can't-do-anything-right-for-scrubbing-paint-the-wrong-way in the afternoon is a pretty intense emotional roller coaster, and it sounds like you're on it daily.

Have the two of you considered marriage counseling to try to change that dynamic of you vs him and make it more you vs the world? What's the hardest part of this for you?

In case it helps, I found this very helpful thread on Splitting. Senior staff cover how to manage it and stay centered when it's happening.

[Cpete18]

My husband is hard core conservative and believes that all therapists are liberal wack jobs. There is absolutely no way he would go to counseling and he’s told me several times that if I go to counseling he will leave me. I don’t know if he actually would or not but he is very good at making my life a living hell if I go against what he says, so much so that it’s exhausting and not worth it.

[pursuingJoy]

Cpete, so you're not convinced he would leave but you suspect he would be difficult to deal with if you went to counseling. I know it's exhausting to think about when you're already exhausted, but I want to throw out some thoughts to help you think about your options because you have some. If you going to counseling is threatening to him, you have the option of challenging that by going. My H has made threats like "If you dont change, I'm going to spend all holidays with my mom from now on" His BPD mom told me "If you cant be more warm when you come dont bother ever coming to my house again." I have had success in either pointing out the threat or simply ignoring it in my actions, not to be rude or dismissive, but because I know they're making strong statements out of fear to try to get me to stop making them uncomfortable. I used to cry and justify/argue/explain, and finally, make myself smaller to accommodate. I've had far better success in doing what I know is right rather than acquiescing.

If you don't want to seek in person therapy, some here have had luck with the text therapy services. Definitely post your frustrations here to get feedback and perspective. Talk to trusted friends who will maintain confidentiality and can stay unbiased, a healthy distance from your relationship.

These are just ideas to empower you because if you're like me, you don't like feeling stuck and powerless. You are stronger than you know. You are not alone.

Keep talking, cpete.
pj