Hi. I need help

[Snowdog]

My romantic partner has broken up with me. We have never discussed BPD but RP is open about that they go to counseling. RP has once again declared I was abandoning. (I left the conversation when it became dysfunctional.)

I read the article 'Helping someone with BPD' and it fits exactly. RP had mentioned their counselor was setting up DBT treatment for RP so I started reading and that is what tipped me off to the BPD condition.

RP does not know I suspect this. I dont know if RP counselor has diagnosed it, though that seems logical.

My question is should I approach RP about BPD and show the article that exactly describes what I am going through?

Or just passively start working on the techniques to help our communication?

If I can get RP to talk to me again that is...

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Hi and welcome, Snowdog! You've come to the right place.

First of all, we recommend members never tell a loved one they suspect BPD. While the intent is good, it very, VERY rarely goes over well. Much better for that to come from a professional. Even if it doesn't come and there's no diagnosis (BPD is notoriously difficult to diagnose -- my husband has never been diagnosed), there are still skills and tools you can learn here that can help you without your partner ever knowing.

When you feel like it, I hope you'll let us know a bit more about your relationship. Details help us get a better handle on the situation and know how to point you in the right direction. And feel free to ask questions! We'll do our best to answer.

[Snowdog]

Thank you Ozzie101. Very much. Not mentioning BPD to RM is what my gut told me but I wanted help verifying that. I do not know what work has been done by the counselor and I certainly did not want to undo that. Though if RP and I were on the same path knowing what we were dealing with it would be a hell of a lot easier.

RP did contact me this morning...sending me a message about closure and moving on. RP never alludes to BPD and always only talks about areas RP needs healing in.

I dont know what to write. Its perplexing. It would be so much easier to address BPD and both agree to working on things together. Or is that just my feelings/ego not wanting to be hurt or accused any more?

I need to read more but it seems the only way to go about it without addressing BPD is to locate the triggers and then working on descalating methods?

One major event is departure. I would guess 75% of the flare ups come we need to separate for a time. RP always turns it into abandonment. Or seems to start fights that justify the abandonment scenario. RP does not listen to my attempts to resolve and only builds the presumption of abandonment. RP only retains what coincides with RPs fears.

If we can schedule our departure times more exactly...like 10am...so RP and I have a time for departure...that seems like a logical first step.

I need to learn how to descalate. I read about setting boundaries but how do you do that? When RP is triggered it can take hours of going over and over the same scenarios and it's like RP doesn't hear what I'm saying. If I leave before things are defused then RP cries abandonment which leads to breaking off the relationship.

Currently, RP is saying we are not a match...or compatible...because she needs someone who 'shows up' when she is triggered. Good god, I try so hard to be there...

[Ozzie101]

I need to read more but it seems the only way to go about it without addressing BPD is to locate the triggers and then working on descalating methods?

Bingo. Learning communication and conflict-resolution techniques can go a long way to improving a relationship. Basically, sometimes to make things better, you just have to learn how to stop making it worse. I'm not saying any of this is your fault. Far from it. But one thing I've learned here is that things I was doing/saying were inadvertently amping up the drama and leading to more conflict. When I changed how I communicated, things actually improved. If they're not getting help, there are still things you can do. Ultimately, all you can control is yourself and your reactions.

Sounds like you're running into the abandonment fear (as you said) and the feelings = facts phenomenon. That's common in BPD. Their feelings are so strong and they have such trouble dealing with them (BPD is a disorder of emotional regulation) that they'll manipulate facts to fit whatever they're feeling in order to try to make sense of things or to make themselves feel better. It can be bewildering to deal with.

On boundaries, just for example, what's a boundary you want to set that you don't know how to go about setting?

Could you perhaps describe a recent event? Give a he said-she said play-by-play?

I ask because one thing that's so common here is JADE-ing (Justify Argue Defend Explain). It's natural to do. I did it all the time. But, with BPD especially, it tends to just pour fuel on the fire. So much better to use SET (Support Empathy Truth).

For a start, here are a couple of workshops and articles that might be helpful to you:
SET: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0
JADE: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0
Resolving conflict: https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

Take a look and let us know what you think! We have a lot more but I don't want to overwhelm you.

[Snowdog]

Omg...thank you. Tears.

"they'll manipulate facts to fit whatever they're feeling in order to try to make sense of things or to make themselves feel better"

RP does this. RP believes these facts. RP says I lied and needs to rebuild trust. How can trust be rebuilt if RP continues to believe I am lying? Or lied. I did not. Just let RP believe the false narrative and move on with talking about the feelings? Just move on with SET in the future?

I will have to respond with a play by play later when I have time. Thank you SO MUCH!

[Ozzie101]

The trust one is tricky and, again, pretty common around here. One thing you can do is use SET and also validate the feelings. Never validate something that isn't true (validating the invalid) but the feelings behind what your loved one is saying ARE true, if not rational or understandable. It's not an easy skill to master and takes some work. It also takes really listening and identifying what's really going on. Statements like, "I would feel really horrible if I felt like someone did X to me." can be good ones. Notice how you're not admitting to doing X, just saying how you'd feel IF someone did?