State of Shock - Just Discovered BPD & Husband Fits Description

[Kit Kat]

This is my first-ever post on any bulletin board or messaging service.  I'm what you'd label as a lurker for topics that interest me, but normally keep private.   Thus, to even post this is a first step for me.   Perhaps it's a step to recovery or coping?

First & foremost, I will say that it is a huge relief that I'm not alone.  There are days when I simply can't comprehend the behavior of my husband.  And, it has escalated over the years.  In short, I (and our kids) do live walking on egg shells and it's been like this for as long as I can remember.  I constantly worry when the next blow-up or depression will occur.  Most of the time, when it happens, it's a result of something very trivial and no relevance to the crux of an issue.   The frightening part is that every outburst of anger (now) seems to be getting bigger & bigger with added consequences (hurled at me).  What used to be as simple as someone yelling obscenities at me and telling me to leave him alone is now combined with hate texts, physically leaving to stay in hotel, threat of divorce, wrongful accusations of me and extremely hurtful language towards other family members including our kids, and my extended family (parents, siblings, etc.).   It also includes threats of "wanting to die" or I'm just going to put gun to my head (Note- we don't own guns).   My daughter thinks her dad is bi-polar.  I've thought he was narcissistic and bi-polar.   His behavior is predictable once we know he's in the cycle.  I've been honest with our kids - this is not normal.  This behavior is not acceptable.   Over time, I've adopted the notion that it is possible to love someone and hate their behavior.   And, that's where I am today.  I hate his behavior towards me as well as the kids.   It's at a point where I feel like I have to draw that line in the sand - things have to change or I can't stay (which ultimately means he needs therapy and/or medical attention). And - then, I found this book and discovered BPD.

Background:
Married for 26 yrs, in relationship for 28 yrs (we are same age - 49)
Met in college as a junior
Dated 6 months, engaged 1 year, then married
Both of us are highly educated, high functioning, successful in respective careers, respected in community
2 Kids - Freshman in college & Junior in high school
To the outside world - we look like the "perfect" family

At my mom's suggestion (as my parents know a good deal about how I've been treated over the years), I started a journal 10 years ago.   I now have 83 pages - of repeated behavior and incidents over the years.   I've sought counseling (my therapist is the one who recommended this book).  He has absolutely refused counseling.  To make matters worse, he works in the medical field (hospital), is highly intelligent (and manipulative) and either believes he knows more than anything a counselor could provide or he essentially deems them as "quacks." 

Top trends over the years -
1.  Controlling.  He insists on "permission" to do anything.   It's ludicrous as I'm a 49 yr professional.  Why should I ask to attend a work-related event or even go for a walk with a friend.   I chose to go on a walk with a friend over the holidays and his response was - "Who said you could do that?"   I laughed and asked him who said he could go to the store that morning?   Later, he claimed I had "ditched him" for my girlfriend.  He refuses to be socially active - won't go out with friends (he doesn't have any friends) and refuses to go to any work-related activities for me.
2.  Anger.   His rage often scares me.  He violates personal space.  Attacks at your core - for me personally, he has attacked my spiritual life, my family, my work, my motherhood (how I've raised kids).  The confession is that I've been verbally abused for our entire marriage.   And, the scarier part is that after these blow-ups, he will (eventually) come back and pretend that nothing happened.   He can go from hot to cold within hours.   
3.  Depression.  He goes through bouts of fairly serious depression where nothing can turn his mood around.   Ranges from being depressed about our son not pitching a perfect game to hating his job to loathing his self (body/weight).
4.  No win.   This is true for me as well as our kids.  Our kids are amazing.   Straight-A students, top in class, active in lots of activities and excel at many.   And, guess what - all they want is for their dad to be proud of them.   But, he is never satisfied.    He will focus on the one thing they did wrong in a game and go off at them instead of praising all the wonderful things they did.  And, for me - it's always my fault.  This was brought to the forefront several weeks ago when our college son confided in us that he is gay.   The rage, the blame, and fear was immense.  I don't know if I have ever been as afraid as I was several weeks ago.  He has calmed down.  But, the damage is done.  The verbal attack (thankfully on me and not our son) was awful.  No normal person acts this way. 
5.  Trust.  He has serious trust issues.  He claims he can't trust anyone.  The only one he can trust is himself.   He constantly accuses me of lying (not true) and questions whether I've cheated on him (I have not).   On top of that, I feel like I'm being watched constantly and have no privacy.   
6.  Feminist.  My son asked me if I was a feminist several years ago and I said that if that means I'm for women, then I am!  But I also said that I'm for him as well.  The reason I bring this up is that my husband hates this.   Recently, my daughter wrote (and it was read at a choir concert) that ever since she was little, her mom has told her that she can do anything a boy can do.   My husband left the concert in a rage and didn't come home.  He blew up the next day at my daughter and told her to never say that again.   I privately chatted with my daughter and explained that her dad didn't understand.  It's about perspective.  I didn't say girls can do anything boys can do BETTER.  I simply said she can do anything she wants to do!  (She's strong in math & science). 
6.  Jealousy.   I don't know if I would have put this on the list, but my friends tell me that this is one of the main issues.   I would argue that he is extremely successful - and honestly, one could argue equal to me.  However, I am now the bread-winner and the one who has moved up the corporate ladder.  In addition, I'm the one the kids often go to (safe place) to talk.   I also have friends & am close to family.   
7.  No Support.  This probably goes hand in hand with the above.  But, he is pretty vocal about the fact that he "doesn't care" about my work.   He won't attend anything and never vocally likes or acknowledges any of my success (from promotion to awards).  In fact, he has now put together a story of how he has sacrificed all these years for my career.  (False - but that's a longer story).  Support goes beyond work though - it could be cleaning the house or making dinner or taking the kids to the doctor.  Does he still love me?  I often wonder if he does.  He never says he loves me nor does he compliment me in anyway.  Support also extends to personal hobbies and/or attending church.  He will find every way possible to try to prevent me from doing any of the above - going to church on Sunday to going to a yoga class.   In some ways, he seems happier when I'm not taking care of myself.

Finally, I do live in fear.  I have battled this for years and have talked to my counselor at length about it.  Why am I so afraid?  She says I have the power, but there are times that I doubt myself.  I've been the protector for our kids and that's probably why I've stayed with him.   I (now) question that decision and fear that I've hurt them by staying.  I've also conveniently just done things on my own without telling my husband (like personal trainer or massage) because I know I will be crucified for spending money on these types of activities.  My coping mechanism has been to schedule time for myself - thinking self care should take priority.   

I am not finished with the book and know there are tips on coping as part of this book, but my questions for this group revolve around the following:

1.  Acceptance of behavior due to a mental condition.   This doesn't make it right - nor does it help my situation.   I know I can't change him, but how can I stop living like this?    And, how can I help him without condoning what he's doing?
2.  Divorce.  I had (finally) reached a point where I feel like I need to get consultation on what happens if it comes to this.  Essentially, I need to be prepared.   But, I do worry what he will do I ask for divorce (ironically - he is the one who has been talking about divorce for the past year or so - threatening to leave me).
3.  My needs.  I feel selfish even asking this question, but when you've given 26 years without support, the thought of enduring another 30 years seems daunting & scary.   But, I also need to feel loved.  Years ago, I wrote that I wanted love, support, companionship (I want a best friend to hang out with, to talk to, to share with - and today, I don't have that.), and many of the items I wanted revolve around being a good father.   

If you have made it this far, thank you.   

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Hello Kit Kat! Welcome to the family!

While I'm so sorry for what brings you here, I'm glad you've found us. This is a supportive community of people who "get it." We understand where you've been and where you are because we've been there ourselves and we have a lot of tools and experience we can share.

I wasn't a "poster" either until desperation brought me here over a year ago. Now, here I am. I can't tell you what a life-saver this board has been for me.

You sound like an intelligent, caring, strong person. You've been through a lot but you're doing so many of the right things: seeking therapy, taking time for yourself (self-care is SOO important and so many people -- including yours truly -- neglect it). Good for you!

So much of what you've written, I could have written a year ago. We've only been married three years, together for four, and no kids together (just his 9-year-old from a previous marriage) but otherwise, so much is familiar. The anger. The blaming. The trust issues. The depression. The jealousy. The lashing out over seemingly random and insignificant things.

Whether you choose to stay or leave is going to be up to you. No one here will tell you what you should do. But we can help you talk through the decisions and then walk on the path with you. Some of us stay (like me). Some have left.

If you do choose to stay, there are tools and skills you can learn that may make things easier and even improve your relationship. We've seen some pretty dire situations turn around.

But sometimes, that's not possible and the relationship is just unsalvageable for one reason or another. The end of a BPD relationship can be complicated, but we've got many members who've been through it.

As for your questions:
1.  You can't change him, no. And understanding a mental condition doesn't mean you have to accept the behaviors. Especially if they're unacceptable and abusive. You can't change him. All you can change is you and your behaviors. Sometimes we do or say things that, without us realizing it, make things worse. I know that's something I learned through posting here. Not that we're to blame. Far from it. It's just that with BPD, it's like learning a new language, where different communication techniques are required.
If you're interested and feel like it, maybe you could post a play-by-play, he said-she said account of a recent incident? That could help us get a feel for the dynamic and maybe point out some things you could try to make things go smoother.

2.  We have a board here on legal issues related to BPD divorce here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=10.0
You might want to take a look around as a place to start and get an idea of what could be ahead. My H threatened divorce quite a bit, too, by the way, when he was dysregulating. It was all part of his fear of abandonment.

3.  There's nothing selfish at all. Of course you want love, support and companionship. We all do. And they're basic human needs and requests. Can your H provide those? It may be possible he could again. But if he can't, then that's something you'll need to take into account.

Sorry for such a long reply, but I hope you'll post again! And keep hanging in there. We're here for you!

[pursuingJoy]

Kit Kat, so glad you came out of lurker mode. I admire your courage in sharing what's on your mind. Absolutely, that's a step to recovery!  Ozzie offered an excellent response, I just want to let you know I'm here and share my experience.

I've raised 3 girls and my oldest is also a college freshman. Their dad was very much like your husband. I, too, was in a position of protecting children from him. One Saturday morning I realized that I didn't want my girls growing up to marry someone like him, and that's when I decided to take steps to separate. He refused to change after extensive counseling and we divorced.

My own parents divorced after 28 years of seemingly perfect marriage. It rocked my world because mom had lied to everyone about what was really happening. It sounds like you've had honest, centering conversations with your kids and I applaud you for that. Even after learning about my dad, I loved him. I learned so much through their divorce and I'm better off because of it.

You communicate so well. It sounds like you're ready to try something different with the goal of achieving different results. You've clearly thought through various elements of this. We are here if you need a sounding board or vent.

Big hug.
pj