The mother I never had and will never have

[stargazer95]

Hi everyone,

I am so thankful to have found this site.

 I realized about a year ago that my mom most likely suffers from BPD when I started going to therapy. I had developed snake phobia at that point. After a few close encounters with snakes, I had an anxiety attack and that’s how my therapy started.

Over this last year, my snake phobia has completely disappeared as I have come to realize the real snake figure in my life was my mother. I have always been terrified of her but never allowed myself to admit this. I ignored all that was inside of me my whole life, working hard to be an obedient and loyal puppy to my impossible-to-please mom who slowly was devouring my life piece by piece.

I should say I have been married for 7 years and have two children. When I say my mom was devouring my life, I am not exaggerating. She was constantly staying with us, not allowing me to cook or clean, demanding that my children call her "dear mom" and took the liberty to rearrange my whole house and bought everything for our home. When I was visiting her two summers ago, she hid my credit card so I had to use hers.

I don't ever remember her ever asking how I am doing, or what my opinion about a given subject is. If I did share anything as my opinion, it was immediately attacked and forcefully rejected. I learned over time to just ask questions and believed myself to be incapable of dealing with life if my mother was not around.

The worst part of realizing that my mother has BPD was coming to terms with the fact that I have been lied to my whole life. My mom always painted herself as the hero who has saved my life. She always would say were it not her superb mothering skills, I would have ended up like my cousins, who all failed in her estimation. Worst yet, all my extended family believed this. What they saw was a "strong" woman who had a tight grip on her daughter who in turn was very well behaved and never disobeyed her mother, good excellent grades and didnt do naughty things. What was really happening though was a daughter who was slowly dying inside and was becoming more and more deaf to her internal screams of agony. It was a hard truth to face. The hero of my life had in fact been a villain in disguise.

After some months in therapy, I was trying to set boundaries with her. Oh boy did she push back and attack them in every way she could. She used to call me 3-4 times a day and ask to be put on video to just be in the background and see my children. I asked her to just have a call once a week when my husband was also present. Around the time of those calls however, I would have so much anxiety I could barely talk. Even now writing about them, my heart rate is going up.

I did, however, continued these weekly calls despite how uncomfortable they made me until she asked to come and see us. My husband and I with the help of my therapist decided it was ok for her to come with my stepdad and we offered to help them find a place near us to stay. She didn’t disagree with this during the call but after we hung up a series of attacking emails started. She said how much I made her ashamed in front of my stepdad when I asked them to stay somewhere else and not in our home. She said how much I am hurting her and how she will end up dying because of cancer that I will cause her to have eventually. She said how much she disapproved of my marriage and that this must all be my husband's doing. She said I am depriving her of her grandchildren and how they will grow up emotionally ill because they are not in contact with their grandparents.

She continued to send many emails like these to which I replied with trying to be diplomatic and sharing the invitation given that they are comfortable staying nearby. I knew I couldn’t have her stay with us. To me, that would have been my suffocating death as I would watch her take over my life again.

Eventually, she sent an email with her usual last resort tactic. She said she will leave my life and that she will assume she has no daughter and I can live happily without her but I should remember that I am causing her death slowly. she had made similar threats before but each time I would feel so terrible and crawl back to her begging for her majesty's forgiveness. but this time I had had enough. If she didn’t want to be in my life, so be it.

That was around 6 months ago or so. I still haven’t talked to her. She has tried sending messages, asking my friends and in-laws to talk to us-by asking I mean she calls them crying for a long time and then angrily shouting and then begging them to talk to me.

At first, I wouldn’t say anything about what was really going on to anyone thinking that I cannot disgrace her in their eyes. But eventually, I realized that is my habit pf being loyal to her and keeping her shameful secrets. But I no longer wanted to do that so I shared with some close friends and my husband's parents my story. The majority of them were very supportive. But as others have mentioned in here, they don’t quite get it. Even my husband, God bless him, is so supportive and loving yet I can feel that the depth of what I feel is lost to him. How could it be otherwise? It is like describing to someone who has never seen snow what it’s like to die of hypothermia.

[zachira]

As I read your post, I feel tremendous admiration for you in how you are breaking free of the negative influences of having your mother in your life and that of your children. At the same time, I hear tremendous pain and sorrow. There are many members on this site who struggle with the frustration of dealing with a mother with BPD. We are here to support and listen to you. You are in therapy and have a supportive husband. You are taking all the right steps to heal and become your own person in your own right, independent of your mother's attempts to take you down. I am glad you have people around you that support and believe you. It is frustrating that some people do not get it, and with those type of people it is usually better not to have any conversations with them about your mother, particularly when they blindly take your mother's side.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome!

Reading your post I could relate to a lot of what you stated and I know others here can as well.  I too was quite tied to my mom and gave up bit of myself over a lifetime and eventually could not do it anymore.  My mom also cut me out, refusing to speak to me and talked bad about me as well, mostly to my brother and father (I have a small family).  I used that time to work on me and learn to be able to function on my own, become my own person with my own beliefs etc.  Essentially I was working on self-differentiation without really knowing that.  I was also in therapy and I was reaching out on a different support board for something else but it all helped.

I mention all that to let you know we do get it here.  And things can get better.  You can change the way you think of your mother and the reactions you have and maybe, if you want, you can even interact with her in controlled ways where you are not devastated emotionally.

Lots of people don't get it.  Even some of the spouses of the people who post here don't get it.  I have learned to see that as a good thing as it (usually)  means they did not experience the same abuse we did though it can make it feel lonely at times.  I really like how you state it here: 

How could it be otherwise? It is like describing to someone who has never seen snow what it’s like to die of hypothermia.

I hope you post more and jump in threads and join us.  We all work to support each other here and we do understand.

Again,

[anguishedaughter]

I commend you for the work you are doing to escape the grip of your mother. I know how painful and incredibly hard it is, especially when there are grand/children involved. You are doing the right thing. Stay strong.

[safeplace]

I am so incredibly appreciative to read that story about your snake phobia. I am in the process of healing from years of agoraphobia. After reading a lot of books about Borderlines, I have a running theory that my agoraphobia/anxiety stems from fear of getting my needs met and being abandoned for that, based off what happened to me over and over with my mother in childhood. It's hard to explain but maybe children of Borderlines can understand what I mean.  Would love to hear more about what type of therapy you used to heal from that. Sending you a hug.

[Methuen]

Hi Stargazer95

I'm happy you found the site, and hope that you continue to feel supported here.  It has been a boon for me.  Most of us experience the trials of this relationship with our BPD SO in blindness - and by that I mean always being frustrated and in despair but without understanding what is happening, but believing it is our fault! - until we find this site and suddenly feel validated by others who "get it" and begin to understand BPD with new enlarged eyes.  At least that has been my experience.  I am sorry for what you have experienced.    

 

She didn’t disagree with this during the call but after we hung up a series of attacking emails started. She said how much I made her ashamed in front of my stepdad when I asked them to stay somewhere else and not in our home. She said how much I am hurting her and how she will end up dying because of cancer that I will cause her to have eventually. She said how much she disapproved of my marriage and that this must all be my husband's doing. She said I am depriving her of her grandchildren and how they will grow up emotionally ill because they are not in contact with their grandparents.

This sounds so typical in that everything (her hurt and shame) gets twisted to be your fault.  

Notice how this is about her FEELINGS?  i.e. "how much you are hurting her".  Just know that nothing you can do will ever be enough to "make" her feel good about herself, because part of BPD is a sense of worthlessness that no one else can fix.  So don't even try, cs it doesn't work.  So, as much as your mom projects her anger on you, and blames you for all her problems, those feelings actually  have nothing to do with you.  All the verbal vomit that comes out of her mouth directed at you is just a symptom of the BPD, and the fact that she says it to you means she feels safe enough around you to say those things.  That's why it's a disease with intimate relationships (not necessarily romantic ones).  Once I understood the SET tool, I found interacting with my mom a tiny bit easier to do, because SET addresses those dysregulated FEELINGS she is struggling with, and de-escalates the situation, as long as we don't JADE.  It took me a LONG time to figure out that I shouldn't take the verbal vomit personally, and that my mom probably doesn't hate me.  I mention it here so that maybe you can move through that phase faster than I did.

The worst part of realizing that my mother has BPD was coming to terms with the fact that I have been lied to my whole life...The hero of my life had in fact been a villain in disguise.

Yah, I kind of went through a rough time too when I realized what BPD meant for my relationship with my mom.  Anger, grief...and finally acceptance.  It can get better.  So far, I'm about 6 months into my healing journey.

I've learned a lot of new tools, and so far I'm having less conflict with her, so I'm attributing some of that success to the new skills I've learned (mostly from this website), and also helpful is the fact that she is on an anti-depressant.  I am an only child living 7 min from my 83 yr old frail BPD mom who lives independently. I still have contact.  Some people do not.  We all have to figure out our own path to feel safe without guilt.  

Over this last year, my snake phobia has completely disappeared as I have come to realize the real snake figure in my life was my mother.

Holy.  You.have.opened.my.eyes. and got me thinking.

So I've had a rather acute snake phobia as well.  When I read that, I suddenly realized that the similarity between a snake and my mother is that they are both unpredictable, and can both strike quickly and be dangerous.

I had never connected those dots.

Actually think my phobia came from a grade 2 teacher that had a boa constrictor in his class of 43 little girls, and he used to bring it out and let it crawl all over any students who wanted to participate in that.  About 20 years later, someone from that grade 2 class (and many other classes) testified in court which led to successfully charges of professional sexual misconduct involving children.  

Thanks for sharing your snake story.  I can now look at a picture of a snake without running out the door and down the block, but it still elicits a thumping heart beat and momentary sense of panic.  I am so impressed you "completely" overcame this.  Any particular strategy or "work" that helped you with this (such as a fear ladder), or was it mostly knowing that the snake was a metaphor for your mother?  I'm completely in awe of you.

She said she will leave my life and that she will assume she has no daughter and I can live happily without her but I should remember that I am causing her death slowly.

This is yucky, and again somewhat typical in its effect.  It is a tool of emotional enmeshment - i.e. making you responsible for her feelings.  You are not.   One of the best things someone on this board told me was to learn "NOT to feel my mother's feelings for her".  It's a process.  You will get there

Welcome, and it's good to have you join us.  We all help each other here.
 

PS. I just gotta ask:  have you ever "held" a snake since overcoming your snake phobia?







 

[stargazer95]

Hi and welcome!

 Essentially I was working on self-differentiation without really knowing that.  I was also in therapy and I was reaching out on a different support board for something else but it all helped.

Again,

Thank you for your support. I feel like this is exactly what I am going through now trying to figure out what I really want and belive in. It helped that my therapist says I do know who I am but I have turned down my internal voice and need to learn to listen to it again. So it is not about starting from nothing. It is more like uncovering what is already there. All the best to you as well and thanks for sharing your experience.

[stargazer95]

I am so incredibly appreciative to read that story about your snake phobia. I am in the process of healing from years of agoraphobia. After reading a lot of books about Borderlines, I have a running theory that my agoraphobia/anxiety stems from fear of getting my needs met and being abandoned for that, based off what happened to me over and over with my mother in childhood. It's hard to explain but maybe children of Borderlines can understand what I mean.  Would love to hear more about what type of therapy you used to heal from that. Sending you a hug.

Hi,

Yes! I used to have nightmares about snakes at least couple times a week. After a few months of starting therapy, my therapist, who is truly a genius in her work, started asking about my mom. It was like flood gates opened. At felt, I felt lots of shame to even say anything that might make her look bad but she helped me see her symthoms. She also said this snake phobia is because usually  children  learn coping skills with borderline mothers early on and for me I had learn to shut my mouth and even my feelings and completely do what she demands. It appeared that I had a very good handle on my life and people would say oh you are so capable. But then the therapist said there is this odd thing that seems to be completely unrelated to everything like a tail wagging in the background which is "oh by the way I have this thing of being afraid of snakes." but in fact the snake phobia developed as a coping mechanism for all the pain I was feeling. It is where I put the blame for my stressed feelings. "It must be the snakes." Once I started realizing that I started feeling verrrryyyyyy angry at my mom for along time. I was outright pissed. I think this anger is what I had bottled up. Once I started working through that, the dreams went away on their own. I recently had an incident with my mom (not directly but through friends). That same night I had a dream about one snake. In the dream I was thinking "oh  yea there is my mother. It was about time for the snakes to show up."

[safeplace]

Wow that is awesome. I am so glad you got clarity on that. I am in the beginning stages of looking for a therapist. I hope I can find someone great like you did.

[stargazer95]

So I've had a rather acute snake phobia as well.  When I read that, I suddenly realized that the similarity between a snake and my mother is that they are both unpredictable, and can both strike quickly and be dangerous.




 

Yes absolutely! I feel my mom is exactly the same way. They both can inflict pain in the twinkling of an eye with no forewarning.

[stargazer95]

Actually think my phobia came from a grade 2 teacher that had a boa constrictor in his class of 43 little girls, and he used to bring it out and let it crawl all over any students who wanted to participate in that.  About 20 years later, someone from that grade 2 class (and many other classes) testified in court which led to successfully charges of professional sexual misconduct involving children.  

Thanks for sharing your snake story.  I can now look at a picture of a snake without running out the door and down the block, but it still elicits a thumping heart beat and momentary sense of panic.  I am so impressed you "completely" overcame this.  Any particular strategy or "work" that helped you with this (such as a fear ladder), or was it mostly knowing that the snake was a metaphor for your mother?  I'm completely in awe of you.

This is yucky, and again somewhat typical in its effect.  It is a tool of emotional enmeshment - i.e. making you responsible for her feelings.  You are not.   One of the best things someone on this board told me was to learn "NOT to feel my mother's feelings for her".  It's a process.  You will get there

Welcome, and it's good to have you join us.  We all help each other here.
 

PS. I just gotta ask:  have you ever "held" a snake since overcoming your snake phobia?

Wow! I cant believe a teacher would do that. It sounds horrible. I am glad that in the end though he got what he deserved. I am sorry you had to go through that.

I think for me it was mostly knowing that snake my mom. All my life I had this yucky unpleasant feeling towards my mom but never allowed myself to feel it fully. Once I realized what she had really done and how much she had emotionally abused me, I was soo angry. I think along with the anger came the realization that "hey I am actually more capable than I have given myself credit for." and I think this buding self-esteem helped me not be afraid of snakes.

You know originally the idea was to do therapy just to overcome phobia and trying gradual exposure and other tools like that. but as soon as I met with my therapist she said, lets see how things go. What you are telling me seems more like trauma caused than an actually fear. That made me also realize that yes this was an irrational fear. I had never seen a snake or been hurt by one. It was subconsciously picked because of its symbology I think.

So my nightmares are gone completely. I have had encouters with snakes in distance but not held one. I am still not a fan of them, given they can dangeous (we actually have one kind near our home that can kill a human) but I know internally I dont have that massive phobia anymore.

[Methuen]

Stargazer95

I am so glad your phobia is gone for you.  I was stunned when I read your story about snakes.

You have helped me more than you can know.  I was so inspired after your last post, I just sat there, and then I just knew what I had to do.

I googled snakes, and up came the images.  I just sat there and stared them down on my computer screen.  Then I scrolled down and looked at some more.  Still in my chair.  Heart working normally.

 

And that from the person who would stand on top of the back of a couch hyperventilating if a snake appeared unexpectedly on the TV.

Thank-you!

However I am sorry for all the pain you have endured with your mom.  I have re-read your first post a few times.

How can we help you?

 

[stargazer95]

Stargazer95

I am so glad your phobia is gone for you.  I was stunned when I read your story about snakes.

You have helped me more than you can know.  I was so inspired after your last post, I just sat there, and then I just knew what I had to do.

I googled snakes, and up came the images.  I just sat there and stared them down on my computer screen.  Then I scrolled down and looked at some more.  Still in my chair.  Heart working normally.

 

And that from the person who would stand on top of the back of a couch hyperventilating if a snake appeared unexpectedly on the TV.

Thank-you!

However I am sorry for all the pain you have endured with your mom.  I have re-read your first post a few times.

How can we help you?

 

I am so happy to read your post and I am very impressed with your courage and willingness. I know what you mean by going behind a couch hyperventilating. I was the same way. I would scream and run to a hiding place. Well done my friend.

It is also so wonderful to even ponder the question of how others can help me. As I mentioned I have been in contact for a while. Some days though I feel conflicted. My husband and I agree completely that no contact is best at the moment. In fact our kids seem to be doing much better. My mom was so manipulative with them even on the phone telling them to convince us to take them to visit here and promised them gifts and candies. She is shameless. so I am not worried about the kids not being in touch with her. But then I wonder if I should send her a formal email saying that I am not going to be in touch untill I feel ready to reach out again or should I just continue to give her this silent treatment. Also there are my other family members like aunt and grandmother. Can I still contact them? How much do I need to explain to them? Will they be supportive?

[Methuen]

Hmm.  What does your therapist say about the letter idea, and about staying in contact with other relatives?

[zachira]

Whatever you decide about the kind of contact you decide to have with your mother whether it is no contact or low contact, it can really help to set a firm boundary with any family members you decide to stay in contact with that you will not discuss the situation with your mother with them. If you want to have contact with your grandmother and aunt, then you can seek them out in times and places where your mother will not be present. It is so painful to get to this stage and hard to decide exactly what to do, especially when you have other family members you do want in your life. I am low contact with most of my family and boundaries are essential though difficult to enforce as my disordered family members keep trying to convince the rest of the family members that I am the problem, and many of them believe that, though I am pleasantly surprised by those who don't get taken in.