Looking to the future how do co parenting

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

My ex diagnosed bod girlfriend and I split before Xmas , again. There has been a history between us , on and off since summer 18 , which has included , arguments, lying , cheating , other men ( married ) and so many other things it’s hard to list . I have been culpable as I have been an enabler throughout this period , thinking that if I loved her it would be enough.
We are communicating , just about . 12 weeks scan is coming up and I would like to be there. She won’t tell me when it is as she says she isn’t sure if she wants me there . I have told her I am fully committed to co parenting out child and want to be supportive through out the pregnancy.
She is currently back with married man , who has left his wife and kids. Previously they have fought a lot and there has been violence in his part . But he is quite smooth and good with words and very persuasive and manipulative .
I have recently tried to keep my communication validating , but it doesn’t seem to be working as I only receive one word answers mostly.  She text me late last night whilst I was asleep wanting to talk , but then today said it’s all fine and didn’t want to talk .
I think I am trying to hard to keep things pleasant and and level , in the face of indifference or just rudeness.
What worries me is the future, I realise that this man she is with now probably won’t last , but what strategies do you guys have to keep involved but not to over step too far and push the bpd further away

[Foolish man]

My ex diagnosed bod girlfriend and I split before Xmas , again. There has been a history between us , on and off since summer 18 , which has included , arguments, lying , cheating , other men ( married ) and so many other things it’s hard to list . I have been culpable as I have been an enabler throughout this period , thinking that if I loved her it would be enough.
We are communicating , just about . 12 weeks scan is coming up and I would like to be there. She won’t tell me when it is as she says she isn’t sure if she wants me there . I have told her I am fully committed to co parenting out child and want to be supportive through out the pregnancy.
She is currently back with married man , who has left his wife and kids. Previously they have fought a lot and there has been violence in his part . But he is quite smooth and good with words and very persuasive and manipulative .
I have recently tried to keep my communication validating , but it doesn’t seem to be working as I only receive one word answers mostly.  She text me late last night whilst I was asleep wanting to talk , but then today said it’s all fine and didn’t want to talk .
I think I am trying to hard to keep things pleasant and and level , in the face of indifference or just rudeness.
What worries me is the future, I realise that this man she is with now probably won’t last , but what strategies do you guys have to keep involved but not to over step too far and push the bpd further away

[worriedStepmom]

You might want to check with a lawyer to see what your legal rights are.

It is very likely that you don't have a legal right to be present at her doctor's appointments.  You ought to have legal rights once the baby is born, but you may need to officially establish paternity first.  This will be especially important if there is some doubt over who the father is - or if she lies about who fathered the baby.

[livednlearned]

Are you hoping to get back together with her?

[Foolish man]

Thanks for the replies,
I’m sure I don’t have any legal right to attend scans and appointments etc it is just something I would like to involved with.
Paternity wise I am 99% sure the baby is mine.
As for getting back together , is it wrong to want something that you know just won’t work. I am trying to balance being a good parent , supportive person , whilst understanding I may be currently painted black and possibly an inconvenience to what she sees as her future plans , ie with other man. Which I’m sure will change in time as they are very volatile .
We have split up twice , both times after about 3 months . But we still communicate. Sometimes there is a break , but not longer than a couple of weeks. My immediate concern is just to be a good father and support the mother, but she does make this very difficult

[ForeverDad]

As for getting back together, is it wrong to want something that you know just won’t work?  I am trying to balance being a good parent, supportive person... My immediate concern is just to be a good father and support the mother, but she does make this very difficult.

There a truism quoted here often: the best predictor of the future is the past.

You know what the past is, ponder it well because she will resist changing her poor but established patterns, her comfort zone.

What do you think it takes to "be a good father"?  I suspect you would too easily become an appeasing partner, always trying to please but never quite able to succeed at it.  Have you heard the "moving goalposts" analogy?  Imagine playing a field game where every time you got close to scoring a goal the other team moves the goalpost somewhere else.  How could you ever succeed when the other is all too often sabotaging the rules?

I'm not saying you can't do it but it requires very strong boundaries and almost continuous work to counter any sabotaging behaviors whether done with intention or not.

Many parents here have tried but when the other parent is determined to do his/her own thing regardless of your logic, reasoning or insight, then what do you do?  That why, when the relationship as proven unhealthy and too unbalanced, the relationship ends.  Parenting has to be done separately.  That's not such a bad thing, considering the alternative.  This way you the reasonable and stable parent can at least parent well, setting a good example for the children while they are with you.  Sure, it's not optimal, but being a good example of normalcy for the kids is better than being endlessly appeasing and a failed peacemaker.

It also comes down to priorities.  Who is more important — the children who are minors and need you or the adult parent who resists improving deep patterns of poor behaviors?

[Foolish man]

Thanks foreverdad
You are right that passed behaviour patterns will repeat itself in the future , however we seem to get in better when we are not in a relationship , which may make parenting easier.
However that is 6 1/2 months away and I need to navigate that time first .
If pregnancy causes more dissregulating behaviour , this is what I need to focus on in the immediate future .

[livednlearned]

Whether you end up together or not, it's helpful to learn what you can about BPD and the specific relationship and communication skills that many of us develop when we're coparenting.

The more you learn about BPD, the more you'll be able to help raise your child to be emotionally resilient. BPD parenting tends to create emotional and psychological problems for kids because mom will seek emotional validation from the child instead of vice versa. This puts tremendous strain on a child whose development is interrupted taking on responsibilities above and beyond his or her capabilities.

I recommend the Power of Validation (for parents) and I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better by the Lundstroms. Both will walk you through the essential skill of validation so that your child can differentiate between what he/she feels and what mom wants him/her to feel.

[Foolish man]

Thanks for the replies
I will have a look at the books and I’m sure they will help me prepare for co parenting in the future .
I already have 2 children with my ex wife and we manage to co parent extremely well .
I have read many of the tools on here and am trying to put them into practice but it is important for me to attend the scan, and I need to try get my exbpd to understand this, without seeming too pushy

[MeandThee29]

I will have a look at the books and I’m sure they will help me prepare for co parenting in the future .
I already have 2 children with my ex wife and we manage to co parent extremely well .

Co-parenting may not be possible with a disordered individual. You may have to do what is called "parallel parenting" where you focus on your relationship with the child when they are with you and somewhat let go of what happens between your ex and the child when they are together. That said, it always bears monitoring. A friend of mine has been parallel parenting for years but has lately been getting alarming reports from the kids when they come home from a visit with their father. So she is carefully documenting everything and is weighing going back to court.

[worriedStepmom]

Co-parenting may not be possible with a disordered individual. You may have to do what is called "parallel parenting" where you focus on your relationship with the child when they are with you and somewhat let go of what happens between your ex and the child when they are together. That said, it always bears monitoring

I second this.

My (non-personality disordered) ex and I are excellent co-parents.   The children see that the 4 of us (2 parents + 2 stepparents) get along and are working together to do what is best for them.  We sit together as a family at children's activities, we talk regularly about how they are doing, and we make joint decisions whenever possible.  When I'm out of town on business, my ex and my H work together pretty well to take care of the kids.

The parenting relationship between H and his uBPDex is toxic.  ex won't attend most events if we are there.  When she does go, she will not sit anywhere where we are within her line of sight, and she won't approach SD if we or H's parents are anywhere near SD.  Any time H dared to ask a relatively innocuous question about SD, ex would dysregulate and completely melt down because that must mean he thought she was a bad parent.  However, when SD was at our house, ex would text H every 15 or 30 minutes and ask what SD was doing and get very upset if he didn't respond.

Coparenting with her is impossible.  SD12 has severe anxiety at the idea of her parents speaking  - because she is afraid that her mom will yell and say awful things to her dad (or yell at SD about how awful dad is).

Our case is more extreme than some (and H got primary custody of SD two years ago), but it is another example that it takes two reasonable people to coparent well.  Your past experience with your other children's mother is not going to be indicative of how things will work with this ex.  You'll need to start setting your expectations appropriately.

[livednlearned]

it is important for me to attend the scan, and I need to try get my exbpd to understand this, without seeming too pushy

Are you open to receiving feedback from friends here about this?

[Foolish man]

Livednlearned
Definitely looking to hear feedback , that is why I am here .
I have to say I am concerned about the future.
After a fairly major text row , where I was told I wasn’t wanted at the scan , I was sent pictures of the scan after it happened . With basic info of all is well about a few hours later .
Communication is fairly abrupt . I am keeping it polite now and not making any demands as it doesn’t make any difference what I want.
My expectations at this point are very low , but who knows

[Foolish man]

So I am reading stop walking on eggshells and have bought I don’t have to make everything better .
Communication between us is at a minimum at the moment. Not sure why , whether I am still painted black or the boundaries that have been agreed between her and the fella she is with. As in we talk about pregnancy but nothing else .
But I really struggling to come to terms with the fact I won’t be there for the pregnancy , the choosing cots , talking about names etc . Such a magical time and it won’t be happening for me .
If any of you have seen my posts over the past year or so , it has been such an up and down time . I kept my boundaries strong this time we were together and it just caused arguments. How do I stop thinking about what I am missing , rather than dealing with how exactly it is now ...

[worriedStepmom]

how do I stop thinking about what I am missing , rather than dealing with how exactly it is now ...

You are in the grieving process.  It's hard to let go of the hopes and dreams that we had for what our lives would look like.

Are you practicing self-care?  Doing things to make yourself feel loved and valued?  Finding ways to work through your stress?

I had a journal to write out my grief when my marriage ended.  I worked out ways to stop thinking about my ex - forcing myself to go exercise whenever I started ruminating, or making sure I didn't think about him at all in a certain room in my house.  I also had a list of all of the things that made me smile (reading a book, lighting a candle, going on vacations), and every day I had to do one thing off the list.  Sometimes it was all I could do to light a candle, breathe in the scent, and then blow it out, but I did it.  Because I am important too.

Grieving is not fun or easy.  you will get through it.

[PeteWitsend]

...
Paternity wise I am 99% sure the baby is mine.
...

be 100% sure.  Demand a test.  You don't want to start to have a relationship with a child that's not yours, only to find out years later. 

[ForeverDad]

Strangely, there have been cases where the possessive mother insisted the husband wasn't the father.  One wouldn't expect a mother to insist she had an affair.

[KingofTexas37891]

Welcome to my world. I went through similar process but I managed it well and got now the results I wanted alas in a family court case.

My suggestions
Take it very easy with her. As a BPD person she is confused in her mind. Pregnancy makes things 10x much worse for her.  Her emotions are out of whack.

Do not criticize her or pressure her. Just follow her commands and be supportive, i.e. send her money  weekly/monthly. Ask her if she needs any items that you can ship to her address. Get her a set of all the prenatal vitamins she needs through the pregnancy. Order her favorite foods and send it her. Send weekly grocery orders. Check Amazon to see most common items pregnant women like, e.g. cushions

Keep receipts of all your purchases because she will later lie in court that you did not support her.

Maintain communication with her only in writing to build up evidence and to keep a distance

Make sure you do not flirt with her when communicating and respect the boundary that she has another guy she is dating. Give the new guy the impression that you are cool with them dating.

Do not be surprised if she files an ex parte restraining order against you. In such case you would need a lawyer to defend you.

When the child is born request to meet the baby and ask for a DNA test (cost less than $150). If she agrees then run it and see the results. If the results turn our positive then suggest her that you file for parentage amicably in family court. If she disagrees, you just go to court and file it and get her served. After that you can ask for custody, visitation and child support orders