Terrified to Leave

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My husband has not formally been diagnosed with BPD, but he exhibits many traits. He is intense and extreme in his emotions, has been emotionally and even physically abusive. We have 4 children together and have been married for almost 14 years. His older brother just finalized his divorce last year, and it was ugly. His brother made all kinds of wild and unsubstantiated accusations about his ex, and their family believed him unquestionably. Their mom and oldest sister even went so far as to make statements to the court to the effect that she was an unfit mother and they had witnessed neglect, even though they used to praise her as the “best” mother and wife before the separation. I am terrified that my experience will be the same. At one point, she lost custody of the kids because of his accusations, but then was able to appeal and has primary custody again. It was a nightmare to even watch from the sidelines, and it has me frozen in place. Is it possible to successfully divorce someone with BPD and come out okay? I feel that my husband has cut me off from my friends in the course of our marriage, and my kids are now all I have. I can not afford to lose them. On the other hand, my oldest (11) has said he blames my husband (his dad) for his feelings of worthlessness and unhappiness. I feel torn, like staying is what would better protect my kids, but leaving would better protect them, too. I feel like I am adrift in the ocean and desperate for some guidance.

[myosotis816]

My husband has not formally been diagnosed with BPD, but he exhibits many traits. He is intense and extreme in his emotions, has been emotionally and even physically abusive. We have 4 children together and have been married for almost 14 years. His older brother just finalized his divorce last year, and it was ugly. His brother made all kinds of wild and unsubstantiated accusations about his ex, and their family believed him unquestionably. Their mom and oldest sister even went so far as to make statements to the court to the effect that she was an unfit mother and they had witnessed neglect, even though they used to praise her as the “best” mother and wife before the separation. I am terrified that my experience will be the same. At one point, she lost custody of the kids because of his accusations, but then was able to appeal and has primary custody again. It was a nightmare to even watch from the sidelines, and it has me frozen in place. Is it possible to successfully divorce someone with BPD and come out okay? I feel that my husband has cut me off from my friends in the course of our marriage, and my kids are now all I have. I can not afford to lose them. On the other hand, my oldest (11) has said he blames my husband (his dad) for his feelings of worthlessness and unhappiness. I feel torn, like staying is what would better protect my kids, but leaving would better protect them, too. I feel like I am adrift in the ocean and desperate for some guidance.

[livednlearned]

I found being six and seven steps ahead of my n/BPDx was extremely helpful in neutralizing what would otherwise be a losing battle. That, and learning on members here for support.

Have you read Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a BPD or NPD by Bill Eddy? If you feel it's safe to do so, you can order a copy through Amazon and read it online. Eddy was a former social worker who became a family attorney, and wrote a book to help people like us get through high-conflict divorces.

He also wrote an excellent book called Don't Alienate the Kids: Raising Emotionally Resilience Children When a Parent Has BPD. Both books shine light on the ways that an adversarial legal system can inflame things, with advice on how to try and navigate that path.

Eddy also categories people with PDs into 3 categories:

*generally cooperative, not dangerous
*not cooperative, not dangerous
*not cooperative, dangerous

Your H sounds like the third -- if he is physically abusive, he is dangerous. My ex was the third also, due mostly to substance abuse. You may find that you will need to emphasize safety first.

There's so much more to share to give you hope. I just wanted to reach out and let you know you're not alone. I ended up with full custody of my son against what I thought were odds in my ex's favor.

How often is he physically abusive? Does he target you and the kids? Does he have tender cycles?

[dt9000]

Myosotis, I am sorry to hear you are going through this. These situations with a BPD spouse are never easy and are often painfully slow to resolve.

You are several steps ahead in that you are expecting difficulty from him and his family should you decide to separate. If you have time, start collecting info and document everything. Keep a journal focusing on your support of your children and household. If you expect him to attack your fitness as a mother, do everything you can in advance to document that you're a great mom.

Regarding his family members statements in court: they were probably taken with a grain of salt by the judge. Family is expected to side with him so their statements probably had little impact on the outcome unless they could present concrete evidence to back what they were saying.

dt9000

[ForeverDad]

I found being six and seven steps ahead of my n/BPDx was extremely helpful in neutralizing what would otherwise be a losing battle. That, and learning/leaning on members here for support.

Have you read Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a BPD or NPD by Bill Eddy?

It is key to be as prepared as possible...

• educating yourself about typical risks of unsubstantiated allegations
• the value of having journals, logs, diaries or calendars detailing the incidents and parenting patterns — courts often view "he always..." or "she always..." as too vague hearsay
• having local support (legal and counselor) in addition to the peer support here, counseling is good for the kids too
• ex will try to "win", even if afterward ex will return to prior minimal parenting — your task is to keep charge of parenting and parenting schedule while allowing ex to get some minor "wins"
• beware of being too fair or too nice — court generally will not care how super nice or super fair you are, just behave well and protect yourself and your parenting
• time-tested strategies are vital — so you need an experienced proactive lawyer in addition to our accumulated wealth of experience and startegies

It is hard to fully predict how your case would proceed, but many of us had to use Custody Evaluations to get past the false allegations and present an in-depth view of the family dynamics.  As with everything else in our high conflict cases, not just any professional will do, ensure you select from among the most reputable evaluators in your area so you are less likely to get sabotaged by clueless, gullible or inept professionals.

[Sluggo]

 Myosotis,

custody evaluation was the best thing for me.  It detailed all the bpd behavior and evaluation said I should have 50/50 and change to full custody if alienation continues.  The court appointed evaluator got it.  She was awesome.  It helped me see I was not crazy which for me was so worth it.  I
The eval cost about 20k including court time at divorce trial. 

Despite that favorable custody eval, I got only minimal time.  I think because she was a stay at home mom with our 7 kids and 2 with disabilities.  I was crushed with the court ruling. 

This summer, only after 6 months from my appeal which I lost, exbpdwife emailed me saying she did not want any custody physical or legal.  She only wanted to see them 1 month in the summer.  She still lives just 15 min from my house. 

My lawyer wrote it up and judge signed it. 

Never thought would happen.  Felt like a scene from Kramer vs Kramer

[MeandThee29]

I was so terrified to leave that I hung in there until he left. If I had a do-over? I would have left well before that even though some aspects would have been harder. I don't beat myself up for that, but the damage would have been less. My therapist had been begging me to leave for years and later told me that she was afraid that he was going to destroy me. You really won't know how damaged you and your children are until you've been apart for awhile. If he is not cooperative/dangerous, I would take that very seriously. Any discussion of your death in an unhealthy way should be taken as a death threat, so it doesn't have to be physical to be dangerous.

Divorce often puts these folks into overdrive, so it may indeed be a horrible process. Mine was far worse than I imagined. My attorney called the whole thing "memorable and unprecedented." He said if he ever wrote a book (and he doesn't plan to), my case would be in there. It cost a lot but was worth every penny in the end.

But the end was worth it. I hate to think where I'd be if it had gone on any longer.

[ForeverDad]

Don't expect domestic court or the professionals associated with it to seek a diagnosis for your spouse.  If you do get one, great, but don't hang your hopes on it.  Court is less interested in the "why" and defaults to "what".  Most of us didn't get one and so our general consensus wisdom is to do what the courts do, give attention to revealing and documenting the bad behaviors and poor parenting patterns.

You may be be wanting a "fix" but that's virtually impossible.  After all, despite years of effort, you weren't able to fix him, right?  Well, court might go so far as to order something like anger management classes — even that is somewhat rare — but they don't try to fix anyone.  Their orders usually include limits set to address the issues.

In my case, two years in divorce and another six years in and out of court, I never got a diagnosis.  My excellent custody evaluator stated at our first session that he wasn't there to diagnose anyone but to assess the family dynamics and suggest ways to address the family discord.

I learned that most professionals — yes, even court — don't want to seek or expect a diagnosis.  My lawyer just called my ex crazy and more with expletives.  We were 8 years in and out of family court... separation, divorce process and post-divorce.  Not once did the court name or suggest she get a diagnosis.  When I was seeking custody, the court noted her testimony was not credible.  When I was seeking majority time also, the court noted her disparagement of father and stated she should get counseling but added that it wasn't required in case she couldn't afford it.  Of course, court didn't ask whether she had insurance or could afford counseling.

By and large everything is based on the documentation of behaviors and behavior patterns.  So while a diagnosis can provide a little relief, most of us don't get one.  Besides, my ex is an adult and adults are allowed to lived their lives as they wish.  Except for the custody and parenting aspects, court won't intrude on the lives of the adults.  So focus on the documentation.