Not sure what to do anymore

[Strongone]

Hi.

I have been in a relationship for 23 years now and only married but 2.5 years of them. I have had 6 restraining orders placed on me currently going through one now. I have won each and every one of them. All were lies and I have finally found a pattern to her. It took me a very long time to realize it but she refuses to even get checked out and let me tell the doctors what I see.

She has used the same things I have told her in the past and reverted it to me. She’s a compulsive lier. Claimed to be raped first year we were together but there is too much proof otherwise to reflect that this was untrue. In the midst of trying to talk to her about the rape her stories changed several times. I questioned the changes and within 5 mins of the conversation and the question of the change compared to the last time she didn’t want to talk about it anymore. I was blamed for being apart of the alleged rape.

She has gone to therapists and lied on me claiming I’m abusive and I have been afraid to leave and fight for custody of the kids over the years. She was mentally institutionalized in the early 2000’s for attempt of suicide and realeased within 2 weeks with lithium 300mg believe it was 3x a day.

She had memory loss starting with a sentence and would say hey you and pause and ask what was I saying. I advised her to stop taking the meds and contact her doctor. I wasn’t really involved as I didn’t know what I was dealing with in the past and she currently won’t get checked for this but I believe she has this 100%.

I recently had to get myself evaluated for DSS due to the restraining order just like the other times. I would see glimpses of the woman I fell in love with at random times and cry and she would ask why I was crying and I would tell her I miss this. I don’t get this enough.

Seems like to me when she goes to the therapist and cries wolf about abuse is when she comes up for SSI resert. I have just come to that conclusion as I use to think she was setting me up for a good custody battle for her win but she never filed over the years. She never involved me with her meds. Became very secretive and basically shut me out of her life after several years. She recently told me while on a mood stabilizer that it has been a very long time since I have been able to look at you without hating you. At this point I knew she was on meds. I then determined that these meds were doing some something. Problem was she was on 2 different kinds and she was having suicidal thoughts but her regular physician is the one prescribing meds to her based off what she’s telling her is wrong with her.

I have also come to the conclusion she wants me to physically fight for her. She has a tendency to either cheat on me or pretend and use others to act like she’s cheating on me especially during the restraining order period. A level of insanity happens. Most of the restraining orders happen as she’s telling me to leave but refuses to allow me too and I bump her or something like one time she was sitting in the steps and I was on the bottom portion. She was upset almost to the point of raging. At this point we had 2 separate places but we were “working on things” and I was asked to move in with her. We were in a dispute and she basically told me to leave and I needed to get stuff from the home my personal belongings clothes ect. She puts her arms out holding the railings and doesn’t allow me past her. I’m y’all so I simply raise my leg over her head and slightly made contact with her head. This was called I kneed her in the head as it was just a rub of the top of her head.

She has used the kids against me also. They were young and she would write stuff in notebooks that was not the case. I use to destroy these as she would leave them in open site and the kids would read them and all she would say was I was hurting her. Never how! She got this idea from a therapist to start writing stuff as proof! We would argue and i first started off what’s wrong with you as the original issue brought at hand became something totally different then what it was.

Now I have raised 4 kids 2 of which are grown and married who dislike me. Take her side all the time. She talked to them during the restraining orders about our situation when the kids were little and they of course believed their mother. I never talked to them about our issues. They just heard us arguing and her yelling your hurting me when I was simply bringing issues to the table. Most of the time when it really gets to a starting point of a explosion awaiting to happen is when I start complaining about her spending habits. I was the only income provider for years struggling to provide for our family working crazy hours. One time nearly tripled my salary one year. So we didn’t have a lot of time together and we only had 1 vechile also and when I came home from working nights I had to take her to the store or kids doctor appointments and I was just so wore out.

She didn’t think I loved her but she didn’t show me love. She became selfish and started seeking attention elsewhere from men. Made several Facebook accounts and used a texting app to chat with several men. At first it started off I could look at her stuff. Later as things progressed and I started finding stuff it turned into why you always looking at my stuff. We had no close family or at least she didn’t. I was pushed away from my family as I didn’t have much here but my mom and sister and they later moved away so that didn’t help any. Her family was from out of state as when we first met her husband was military and he was in Afghanistan on deployment. First mistake! She would accuse me of cheating left and right. Worked a hour commute each direction and when they added a light or change in the driving that added time she would question why I was 5 mins late...anything I said was wrong. It was her way or no way like she wanted to be dominate but wanted me to be sexually dominate. It was weird.

I was always trying to figure out what was wrong with her. I have reasonable suspicion that her moms husband who she hated and tried to break them up as a teenager was arrested for child molestation of one of her siblings was a result of her manipulations but after he was released from jail became very close to him as he was away from her mom which based on what she told me they really didn’t have a great relationship and I believe her mom had bpd too as my wife doesn’t know who her real father is. Could be between several men some of which her mom does not even know the names of.

She was troubled as a child. Claimed to be molested and when she brought this to her mother’s attention nothing was done. After her moms husband was arrested I noticed a change in her spanking our daughter who was from the alleged rape. She would whoop her and state I will kill you in the process. As we layed in the bed we would talk about this. I addressed this issue with her and told her she needed to apologize daughter had to be around 4 at this point of life. She could not put the 2 kids to sleep at night as there were only 2 and biologically they were not mine but I would get them to sleep prior to me leaving for work as she couldn’t.

Now I’m gonna back up here a bit. While she was pregnant with our daughter for a few months she was fine. As time went by possibly like 3 months into the pregnancy she would just start crying. At this point I was working days so I was home at night. She would start crying and would never tell me why. After about 2 months I was frustrated and so tired. I fell asleep on her crying but she took a nap during the day... we would argue because she would not talk to me. She made me feel like the child she was bearing was not mine and I would question are you sure the baby is mine and she guaranteed me it was 100% and I believed her later to find out she wasn’t at birth she was mixed black and white and we are both white. Now at about 7 months into the pregnancy she moved out of state close to her mom. I would travel every weekend just to see her and spend time with her. Missed my uncles burial to see my first born birth! Now after the arrest of her moms husband she told me she couldn’t stand to look at our daughter and I talked to her about this and I believe the hate at that point changed from my daughter to me. She started using things against me that she would ask me early on in the relationship. What is the worst thing I could do to you. I said lie. What do you not want to be? I said my father he was abusive.

Things have just gotten way out of hand over the years and I love this woman but she does not see it. We recantly talked and said have we not hurt enough and we both agreed we did but I seen the cycle happening and would start crying outta the blue. My 3rd child would see me crying at times and he would ask if I was ok and I would just tell him yes I will be and leave it like that. He would ask if you are sure and I would say yes and he went about his own business. I’m at a loss right now because I know she’s hurting but keep this plot up against me but shows me signs that she misses me too or I’m at least thinking this at this point.

Now after the hate changed from my daughter to me she would cry to me begging me not to try to take the kids away from her and I never knew why as I never had a thought of doing so but I am having these thoughts now because I feel like I need to just get out of this costly predicaments she has led us into with the courts. She has drained me financially when I had plans to benefit the income we had coming in by paying stuff off fast to relax the income we had and not be so burdened by bills ect we had to do things her way which added stress on me. Money was always tight especially when we had 4 kids at home at once and I was the only provider and she had a Ssi check after several years into our relationship. She would say take my check and later take possession of it outta the blue without my knowledge and when it was time to pay bills she spent her money causing me to work harder to provide and keep things going smoothly.

I have so much info stuck in my head to just release but without her consent and her going to the doctor with me to voice this info nothing can be done so I’m at the point of life where I need to take care of myself as she doesn’t want the help herself and my kids are for the first time allowed to stay with me during the restraining order as she lied to keep temp custody of the kids. I was assaulted have pictures of the assault and she threatened to take on out on me same day I did mine and I told her it was too late that I had already did mine.

She left the home since and keeps getting guidance from her friends who believe her in her “stories” to help her with what she should do based on what she tells them making any “fix” to this relationship of ours to be ok much less in speaking terms for co-parenting. Not that I was allowed to voice to the kids anything anyhow when with her. I don’t feel like me nor the kids should have to suffer any longer on her mental state and we need to just get out of this situation but my heart tells me differently.

Before the restraining orders took part of our lives she would run out of state again over and over with the kids but later said she was not going to do it anymore and then the restraining orders started up.

I’m just at a loss right now with so much more to tell and tried to get her a ivc but couldn’t abd realizing more and more as I’m looking for proof in texts, recordings as I started here recently as she was telling me I’m recording this left and right so I started leaving phones hiding recording conversations and she was indeed talking to the kids. Even down right expressed to them that she would kill me if I tried to take the kids from her. She has even had thoughts on killing the kids. She has had thoughts on killing me even told me where she would place my body at. I have been scared and abused long enough c      

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Welcome, Strongone!

You really have been through a lot. I'm so sorry. But I am glad you've found us here. We're a caring, supportive community and we "get it."

Collectively, we've experienced the full spectrum of BPD. Some of us have chosen to stay in relationships and work to improve them. Some have left. Either way, we have advice and experience to share.

First of all, the claims of abuse and violence. That's, unfortunately, pretty common here. Have you looked at this thread:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87480.0

It's specifically about DV against men.

There's a lot to unpack here but we can help. No one here will tell you to stay or go. But we can help you come to that decision and then walk the path with you when you choose.

What, right now, do you see as the main issue you want to address? What would be most helpful to you?