Ideas / information / thoughts...

[Sunray20]

I'm brand new to this thread...

I'm becoming more aware that I am in a very challenging, and emotionally draining relationship with my spouse (of 20 years), who I sense has many traits inherent in Borderline Personality Disorder.

I'm more recently (through my personal therapy of 6+ years) able to put more words to what is going on in my marriage.  I have issues I have and am bringing to the marriage which I am working on actively.

I've found limited information (other than a recent book I'm reading 'stop walking on eggshells') designed to help me cope better and grow.  Versus books that define BPD and seemed to be aimed at the person with BPD tenancies.

Can anyone suggest 'great' books, youtuber's, or pod casts they have found helpful...to help them (the person working to cope with a relationship with someone with BPD traits)?

Also, any 'key' active changes you have made that have helped change 'you' in interacting and coping with someone with BPD traits. 

Here's a recent experience ... where I was trying to communicate about our some financial stress and then received a rage incident with aggressiveness and screaming.

I was 1) blamed (told it was all my fault), 2) told to get another job, 3) threatened with divorce (hitting at a core vulnerability within myself I'm just beginning to understand...my fear of abandonment), 4) attacked verbally, 5) then later in the day or throughout the week the silent treatment from my spouse, 6) and later behavior like nothing ever happened, etc...

I feel torn and confused about all this...  Initially, I feel anxious...and a strong urge to text immediately after the incident to say, 'everything will be ok, we will get through this',  to reassure my spouse. 

Yet, I was just pummeled.  If a friend had said what my spouse said, I would expect a huge apology.  And likely wouldn't talk to them until they followed up with me...or at a time where I would assert the hurt I felt by what they said and did (should I want to continue on with that friendship). 

And would feel so Angry and hurt (which I think is numb in me with my spouse), versus so anxious (which I think is from my wounds around feelings of abandonment being reactivated).  With my other feelings of withdrawl and sadness.

Yet, I'm also trying to 'let go' and not be so impacted my by spouses behavior...and forgive too.

And 'let go' and 'let god'...my words recently have been to consciously lead with kindness, love and humor. 

I want the relationship to work out, especially as we have 3 kids together, but can't be a doormat any longer either. 

The confusion is around honoring my feelings of hurt and pain, guilty feelings about the issues I've created in our marriage and relationship, becoming more kind/loving and using humor to cope, and a wish to have my spouse take responsibility for her behavior and a longing for her to get more help (she has a therapist...but only occasionally attends)...and essentially fired 2 of the couples therapists we used to see on/off many years ago.  She said they were abusing her, and that I duped them...

How have others coped or managed through similar situations successfully?  Thx,

   

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[Ozzie101]

Hi Sunray and welcome to the family!

So much of what you've written is familiar. We "get it" around here.

It's so painful to be "pummeled" by someone we love and so bewildering, too. The splitting, the black-and-white thinking, it's hard to keep your head on straight sometimes, isn't it?

The balance you're seeking — honoring your feelings while also trying to cope — is a tricky one and one that I and others in relationships with pwBPD struggle with daily. It's an ongoing learning process, really.

You're taking a great step in getting therapy and looking at your own issues and behavior. That's great!

One thing I've learned is that my own behaviors and communication techniques were playing a part in the dysfunctional dance my uBPDh and I were in. By building up my own inner strength and confidence, learning how to keep myself calm and centered, I'm now better able to face his dysregulations. And, in doing so, I've found that those episodes tend to be lesser in intensity and duration (not always, but overall).

The Eggshells book is a great one. It's the one that brought me here. There are other books and resources members have found helpful. We've got a page of endorsed books and reviews here:
https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/book-reviews

Some tips I would offer:
1) Practice self-care. Indulge in hobbies. Spend time with friends or family. Take a walk. Do things you love. Anything that "fills your cup." That's a really key part to keeping your own physical, mental and emotional strength up.

2) Read up on BPD. You're already doing that, obviously. But the more you understand the disorder, the better you'll be able to face it.

3) Study and practice communication techniques. For instance, I know when I first came here, I was doing a lot of JADEing (Justify Argue Defend Explain) with my H, not realizing that that tends to just throw gas on the fire. Much better to use SET (Support Empathy Truth).

4) Post here. We're here to help and we have a lot of experience to share. Things can get overwhelming and we can help you break things down into bite-sized pieces. Also, you never know when you may be able to help someone else!

Here's another way to get started: Pick a recent incident (perhaps the one where you were communicating financial stresses to her) and describe it -- give a he-said/she-said play-by-play. That really helps us get a look at the dynamic and then we can give you some pointers or direct you to some workshops and articles that may be of most help to you.

I've thrown a lot at you there so take your time, but I hope you'll come back and tell us what you think and let us know a bit more. Again, welcome! And keep posting!