Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 05:13:23 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Our abuse recovery guide
Survivor to Thriver | Free download.
221
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Hello. What do I do? Am I crazy?  (Read 448 times)
Maryba

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Relationship status: Estranged
Posts: 6


« on: January 10, 2020, 06:19:01 AM »

Hello everyone,

This is the first time I have ever joined a forum but I hope I can find some support and learn about other's experience.

I suspect my older brother has bpd. I had doubts whether he was bipolar, npd or bpd but I saw a doctor who told me he has a severe form of bpd.

He is older than me, has extreme bouts of rage and usually it's directed at my mother. I used to be able to confront him but I have started to struggle in doing this. Instead I have grown afraid of his verbal assaults, I can't handle them anymore and I end up blaming myself for being weak. He accuses me of doing things I haven't, he verbally assaults my mom and right after he apologies. Now all his anger is directed at me. The doctor said he has bpd and I want to believe him but I have started doubting myself, my sense of reality and that maybe I am just making this up because I need to find an explanation for his rage. I am feeling very lost. I have spent most of my life trying to protect him and mother him but at some point I couldn't and did not want to do it anymore. This is all aggravated by the fact that I live in another country and fly every week to help my mom who is disabled or try to manage the situation with him. I can't and don't want to lose my job but it's now affecting my marriage and I am feeling very stuck, unsure how to move forward. I have read articles about the karpman triangle and other articles but I am still just feeling really lost...  What do I do? Am I crazy?
« Last Edit: January 10, 2020, 09:43:07 AM by Harri, Reason: changed title pursuant to guideline 1.5 » Logged
Harri
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 5981



« Reply #1 on: January 10, 2020, 09:47:44 AM »

Hi and Welcome

You are not crazy.  The feelings you describe and your situation are quite common here.  You are not alone.  It is great you are reaching out for support.  We can support you as you navigate you way through this.  Keep posting and talking with us and we can hep guide you along.

What is the first issue you would like to work on?

Again, welcome.

Logged

  "What is to give light must endure burning." ~Viktor Frankl
pursuingJoy
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Inlaw
Posts: 1389



« Reply #2 on: January 10, 2020, 12:20:16 PM »

Maryba, I want to join Harri in welcoming you. We're glad you're here!  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

The doctor said he has bpd and I want to believe him but I have started doubting myself, my sense of reality and that maybe I am just making this up because I need to find an explanation for his rage. I am feeling very lost.

What do I do? Am I crazy?

I can relate to so much, from feeling worn down after repeated rages, self-doubt, and feeling crazy. I used to be a confident, self-assured person who was able to set boundaries until I had repeated encounters with a pwBPD. When I started to feel crazy, I too went to therapy where the T suggested that my MIL may have BPD.

Now when I start feeling that way, I liken it more to feeling dizzy. I read, go to T and come here to find solid ground that makes the world stop spinning. Therapy and reaching out to others are great antidotes. Kudos to you for taking these important steps!

Share more when you can. We're interested in chatting and learning more about how we can help.
pj
Logged

   Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You too? ~CS Lewis
Maryba

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Relationship status: Estranged
Posts: 6


« Reply #3 on: January 11, 2020, 03:01:12 PM »

Thank you Harri and Pj for the welcome and support. Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Pj: how did you manage?

I feel like I used to have better boundaries, be better able at standing up to him but it's as if his rages have worn me down and part of me wants the rages just to stop to the point I will do anything. It's affecting my marriage now and my mom who is elderly and dependent relies on me. My brother verbally assaults her and indirectly me through her. It's physically affecting me too, sleep, appetite, as well as confidence and relationships. I feel so low and am having trusting reality. Makes me wonder if I am the bad guy.

How do I believe and trust in myself again?

The doctor who told me about the bpd I am also doubting whether he remembers my brother actually as well as feeling he breached confidentiality by telling me. I also wonder if I am just hopeful that the diagnosis is correct which on one hand comes as a relief but on the other so much sadness and anger that a member of my family is struggling with this and my emotionally absent mother may have contributed to all of this.

How do I manage the rage and verbal assaults?
Logged
pursuingJoy
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Inlaw
Posts: 1389



« Reply #4 on: January 12, 2020, 07:45:27 AM »

Maryba,

I can see why you're doubting the Dr.'s memory, but much of what you describe about your brothers behavior aligns with BPD. My pwBPD has not been formally diagnosed. Many people haven't, it's sort of the nature of the disorder because they often refuse treatment. Official diagnosis or not, there are some really challenging behaviors and we can support you as you work to find solid ground again.

You stated that you used to have better boundaries. Me too! Something about BPD behavior is designed to break those down.

I don't have time to respond fully today but I want to stop in to send you a big hug for starting down this road. I encourage you to check out the 'tools' tab above. There's a link to an article on boundaries. At the bottom of the article, there's a green button that says Read More. I come back to this again and again. Boundaries protect what we value and getting back to setting them with my BPD MIL, even without my husbands support, has helped me find solid footing.

Im so sorry this has taken a toll on your marriage. Me too. It takes time but this can get better.

I'll respond more tomorrow.

pj
Logged

   Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You too? ~CS Lewis
Maryba

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Relationship status: Estranged
Posts: 6


« Reply #5 on: January 13, 2020, 04:57:54 AM »

Hi Pj,

I didn't realise that they are designed to breakdown boundaries but it makes complete sense. By the way, what is pwBPD?

Thanks for the hope. It's so comforting to hear I am not alone in this. It's so hard. I grew up wanting my brother's approval, and so many times I did things whenever he wanted on his terms just so I could get some attention (I realise that now). And this makes me angry realising that no matter how much I did, it still wouldn't be enough and no matter what I still wouldn't have that relationship I wanted.

Everything got triggered recently worse when my mother did a new will a little more in favour to me and he just blew up. I can only imagine for him the sense of rejection. But I said to him from the beginning that I would still keep things fair no matter what she did. He has given up caring for her at all, lives in her house and has all bills paid and I am running around like a chicken. I cannot even describe the verbal abuse I have received from him directly and indirectly and how he is bad-mouthing me to his friends. He wants access to my mom's money which I am blocking him to. I have always tried to do the right thing and be correct and in doing so I now feel trapped. I am angry, upset, tired, sad and all the above. I am going to therapy and I am trying to tell a lot less to my husband because I don't want to burden him nor fight. At the moment, I feel no matter what I do I feel like I am disappointing everyone and making someone angry somewhere. Sometimes I just want to disappear so there wouldn't be anymore pressure on me. All I want to do is get on with my life and have a family and I don't know how.

I am working on boundaries. I am. I try to say no, I try to push back and I know it's meant to be uncomfortable and hard and people will be angry and disappointed when i do, but I am honestly tired. I don't feel like doing this anymore. I don't feel like fighting.  Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)
Logged
pursuingJoy
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Inlaw
Posts: 1389



« Reply #6 on: January 13, 2020, 10:48:28 AM »

I didn't realise that they are designed to breakdown boundaries but it makes complete sense. By the way, what is pwBPD?

pwBPD means person or people with Borderline Personality Disorder. Most of the time they are simply hurting so much and desperately trying to meet their needs. They're usually not trying to hurt others or consciously violate boundaries. They do what they've learned works to get what they need.

And this makes me angry realising that no matter how much I did, it still wouldn't be enough and no matter what I still wouldn't have that relationship I wanted.

This is so tough. Many people here know how it feels to want healthy love and attention from family and not receive it. On top of that, your efforts to comply and meet their needs and do what they want is inevitably never enough. We get it.  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

He wants access to my mom's money which I am blocking him to.

I'm of the opinion that honoring your mom's wishes is important and I encourage you to maintain the boundary of not allowing him access to her money. It sounds like she knows you can be trusted. Unless something changes, or she decides something different, keep doing what you're doing.

I have always tried to do the right thing and be correct and in doing so I now feel trapped. I am angry, upset, tired, sad and all the above. I am going to therapy and I am trying to tell a lot less to my husband because I don't want to burden him nor fight. At the moment, I feel no matter what I do I feel like I am disappointing everyone and making someone angry somewhere. Sometimes I just want to disappear so there wouldn't be anymore pressure on me. All I want to do is get on with my life and have a family and I don't know how.

My goodness I hear you on this. All my life I was a fan of flying under the radar, just wanted to live my life and love people. At 28, I found myself in an abusive relationship with a deacon at a big church. No one knew how bad our relationship was. One day we were the ideal couple, the next day our business was all over the church. Everyone had an opinion and felt free to share it. My family, the church, his family, our friends, so many people were upset. I was miserable, but I kept my head, sought wise counsel and did the right things.

Years later I realized their collective disapproval was a gift in disguise. I learned so much about my own strength, how to disengage from needing approval from others, how to stand for what I think is right and the benefits of doing so. I am a stronger and better person for what I went through. I'm believing the same for you, because I know right now you're tired and exhausted from all you're carrying. That's ok.  With affection (click to insert in post)

Feeling trapped is one of my least favorite feelings. It helped me to learn that feeling trapped indicates that I'm in victim mode, which is a very unhelpful setting. It helps a lot to think about what I have control over and what my options are. Can you list your options?

You're navigating several difficult fronts. Me too. I just want to encourage you. It won't always be like this.  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
Logged

   Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You too? ~CS Lewis
Maryba

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Relationship status: Estranged
Posts: 6


« Reply #7 on: January 13, 2020, 03:31:30 PM »

Excerpt
My goodness I hear you on this. All my life I was a fan of flying under the radar, just wanted to live my life and love people. At 28, I found myself in an abusive relationship with a deacon at a big church. No one knew how bad our relationship was. One day we were the ideal couple, the next day our business was all over the church. Everyone had an opinion and felt free to share it. My family, the church, his family, our friends, so many people were upset. I was miserable, but I kept my head, sought wise counsel and did the right things.

Years later I realized their collective disapproval was a gift in disguise. I learned so much about my own strength, how to disengage from needing approval from others, how to stand for what I think is right and the benefits of doing so. I am a stronger and better person for what I went through. I'm believing the same for you, because I know right now you're tired and exhausted from all you're carrying. That's ok.  With affection (click to insert in post)

Feeling trapped is one of my least favorite feelings. It helped me to learn that feeling trapped indicates that I'm in victim mode, which is a very unhelpful setting. It helps a lot to think about what I have control over and what my options are. Can you list your options?

You're navigating several difficult fronts. Me too. I just want to encourage you. It won't always be like this.  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

Pj,

thank you for your support and sharing your experience. I can't tell you what this supports and hearing your experience means to me. It really makes me feel less alone and gives me hope.I'm glad you managed to get through the experience and learnt not needing the approval of others(i'm still working on that!).

What you said about feeling trapped and being in victim mode really hit home with me. I don't want to be a victim (especially because my brother and mother both played this card with me all the time) but also because I don't think it helps me or the people around me. My situation feels difficult, that's the reality and if I play victim I forget that I do have choices and that I can exercise them. Thank you because this is exactly what I needed to hear. Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

I think we are all navigating several difficult fronts but I'm so glad to have found this forum   Smiling (click to insert in post) I hope I can be of support too
Logged
pursuingJoy
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Inlaw
Posts: 1389



« Reply #8 on: January 14, 2020, 08:56:25 AM »

So glad I could help. We get through these tough seasons because we support each other. Don't hesitate to reach out and share what you know with others.  Virtual hug (click to insert in post) I'm glad you're here!  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
Logged

   Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You too? ~CS Lewis
Panda39
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Relationship status: SO and I have been together 9 years and have just moved in together this summer.
Posts: 3462



« Reply #9 on: January 14, 2020, 12:14:06 PM »

Hi Maryba,

I wanted to suggest if you haven't yet that you do some reading on BPD...or at least that was what I did when I first discovered it in relation to my Partner's undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw).  I just hit my local library and started reading what they had.  It was really helpful to get a breakdown of what BPD is and that there is actually a method to the madness. 

Everything felt very chaotic and I was always asking my partner why? Why was his ex was doing this or that and understanding BPD helped me understand her better.  Coming here helped me with real time support and tools.

Some books you might want to check out...

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul Mason MS, Randi Kreger

Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change by Valerie Porr, M.A.

I Hate You - Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality by Jerold J., M.D. Kreisman M.D., Hal Straus

Excerpt
I have always tried to do the right thing and be correct and in doing so I now feel trapped.
 
I recognize this place, I've been there too and I used to have complete meltdowns.  This place is that horrible place where you are being squeezed between what you think you should do and what you want to do.  My solution was when I get in that place I choose what I want.  Sometimes that's hard to do I might have to let someone down by making that choice, but I have discovered that it really is okay to choose me sometimes and what I need/want over a sense of duty, obligation, or responsibility to someone else.

It is okay to put your needs first sometimes. 

I'm glad you found us and decided to jump in  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

Take Care,
Panda39
Logged

"Have you ever looked fear in the face and just said, I just don't care" -Pink
Maryba

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Relationship status: Estranged
Posts: 6


« Reply #10 on: January 16, 2020, 01:26:37 AM »

Thank you Panda39.

I tried reading some books on bpd including stop walking on eggshells. I found them helpful but also triggering and upsetting (due to coming to terms with the situation) and I am slowly working my way through it.

Coming to this forum makes me feel less alone, it helps to hear other people like you have tried to do the right thing, feel trapped and are struggling just as me but it also makes me feel less crazy. Sigh...

Thank you for everyone for the support. I'm glad I am here  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!