Using medium chill effectively

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all,

My bpd sis wants to visit me next month and has begun calling and texting obsessively.  I haven't responded because I need to think about using some tools I've learned here to set boundaries.

I feel the visit is inevitable as I am not ready to go nc, but I do want it to be easier than in the past.  I'm thinking that if I can maintain medium chill and keep us busy it will be easier.  Any thoughts on using medium chill without being obvious or setting the bpd person off?

My sister is hyper alert to my moods and I want to avoid offending her, while at the same time avoiding any serious topics. 

[Zabava]

Hi all,

My bpd sis wants to visit me next month and has begun calling and texting obsessively.  I haven't responded because I need to think about using some tools I've learned here to set boundaries.

I feel the visit is inevitable as I am not ready to go nc, but I do want it to be easier than in the past.  I'm thinking that if I can maintain medium chill and keep us busy it will be easier.  Any thoughts on using medium chill without being obvious or setting the bpd person off?

My sister is hyper alert to my moods and I want to avoid offending her, while at the same time avoiding any serious topics. 

[formflier]

If I were a fly on the wall watching you use "medium chill"...what would that look like?

What if you "were yourself" and had tools ready if she gets triggered?

Have you had success managing her moods by altering your behavior?

I do like the thought of you taking the initiative rather than ignoring. 

What topics are you interested in avoiding?

Best,

FF

[pursuingJoy]

Z, I hear ya. Below are some things that have helped me:

1. Plan activities to limit open downtime.
2. Have a list of talking points and safe things to share that won't go down paths you don't want to go down. Kids, pets, friends, hobbies, and home repair are usually safe topics for me.
3. In quiet moments take the lead on conversation, that way you can navigate it where you want it to go. Take photos to show her or talk about a (safe) book you're reading.
4. Find ways to be around and incorporate other people.
5. Delay or reschedule the visit. Sometimes people are desperate for a visit because they are dysregulating.
6. Keep your hands busy with something. I crocheted during my last visit and it was a great distraction for me and talking point for them.
7. Find a way to decompress while you're there whether it's a break to the bathroom, a walk in the morning, a quick update here or early bed time.
8. Try to stay upbeat to prevent uninvited questioning.

I love all of FF's questions too, just wanted to provide some ideas that have worked for me. You've got this.

pj

[Zabava]

Thanks Pursuing Joy,

These are great suggestions.  I really like the idea of choosing talking points ahead of time.  I have been thinking of taking up embroidery to help me manage my anxiety...maybe now is the time ☺

If I may ask, who in your life has bpd?

Thanks.

p.s.  I noticed your flags...I am a proud Canadian!

[pursuingJoy]

A fellow Canuck!  

My MIL is uBPD and I'm LC. I developed the list above for visits to her house. She is like your sister - very intuitive. When I visited during Thanksgiving she sniffed out my gray rock methods and was super offended that I wasn't warm and fuzzy, to the point where I was told 'not to bother visiting again.' I tweaked my technique to include proactive talking points and a physical distraction (crocheting) for last week's visit and I haven't heard any blowback.

Her emotions are hers to manage but I'm doing my part in harm reduction.  
 

[Zabava]

Pursuing Joy,

I like the idea of a physical distraction.  My sister knits...maybe I could ask her to give me knitting  lessons:)  Proactive talking points is also something I will try.  Thanks fot your feedback and support.

[pursuingJoy]

Let us know how it goes, Z.