In healing from your break-up what have you learned?

[Rev]

Hi all,

Happy new year.

I am entering month 8 after my break-up and I am in a great new relationship.  She has come out of a rather bizarre relationship that was vacant - and yet he lied (future faking) to continue the facade. As friends, we have found each other and the relationship we share works.

 I have learned so much from my last failed marriage that this one feels so much more authentic - because we talk out everything and listen to each other. Both of us have been through enough to respect each other's boundaries. Both of us did extensive T.

We both find that the healing is a daily thing. 

And so I am wondering - how are you coping a few months out?

What habits do you find work for you?  Has the hurst passed or are you simply coping better. For me, I would say that the hurt has passed but I still ruminate constantly - and only if I stay busy do I not think about what happened. MY GOD - the trauma bond can be strong.

LET's see if we can't get a list going.  And I will start.

For me - the number one thing that works is exercise coupled with some kind of cognitive work - like listening to a favorite you-tube video or podcast. It's like hitting the reset button so that I can remember.

Over to you.

Blessings

Rev

[Cromwell]

Hi Rev, Happy New Year to you!

tips on dealing with ruminations - I think back to when they were at their worst, for me it was very similar - I immersed into exercise, cycling, the gym. It was in hindsight, coping strategy, but effective. combined with this was changing career, going back to college, despite the ruminations I had to focus on my studies and learn to shelve and subdue these thoughts. Meeting new people, working in new places, all of this cumulatively helped. I notice you say 8 months and you already feel and notice improvement, I felt same except that one month later I momentarily felt like I reversed all that Id acheived so far by being in contact again. Regardless, I went no contact again and it just became easier.

Therapy has been posting here and it must have done something. A year after initial no contact and I really felt changed and not feeling overpowered anymore. Life went on and with it, the ruminations lost their frequency and intensity.

I really believe a big turning point that follows from the coping skills and the act of no contact was when there eventually came an acceptance that it was over, it would be history, and whilst she has no doubt been a person of significance in my life - "was" is the crucial new game changer word.

Dating helped too, I have had opportunities to start relationships but have been until now too wary, paranoid and edgy about them. The triggers were there and it just taught me I was still going through something that I needed time to heal. I think it is really fortunate you have met someone you can get on with and relate with. One thing I would like to add to your list, something which I did not do but should have done a lot more of;

rest.

I was wired from this regardless of her not being around anymore and just immersed myself into activities as a distraction. The thing is, the body and the mind have been through so much intensity - it never had the real chance or maybe even forgot to "relax". Some times I could get out of the worst cyclical ruminations simply by lying down for half an hour and would wake up feeling much better in mood and in control of my thoughts. Well done so far and all the best. Crom

[SinisterComplex]

So fellas I'm going to bring some humor to the thread here and open with a stiffler style beginning...F'ers, F'ers, F'ers, how's it going boys? (American Pie reference anyone? ;-) LOL. Anyway 'down to business...

So my way of coping...

I have an unquenchable thirst for knowledge so I seek out a new supplement to research to see if I can find a breakthrough or I find a new fascinating human behavior topic to relentlessly study. With each new experience it sparks my mind to research and understand. Additionally I start setting new goals and plan projects for myself.

"Dating helped too, I have had opportunities to start relationships but have been until now too wary, paranoid and edgy about them. The triggers were there and it just taught me I was still going through something that I needed time to heal." - This shows great awareness and I commend you for that. Additionally I will say that you can't let the past cause too much of a fear of intimacy in you. Some people are just going to suck and you have to be willing to take a risk and get hurt if you want to be rewarded and you want to find success or love.

Cheers!

-SC-

[itsmeSnap]

Acceptance is a major one for me.

She did leave, I still loved her, though after dating someone else I realized I didn't actually want a relationship with her again, she wouldn't change, yet I still loved her, and that's ok.

 From there I tailored my interactions with her with that in mind and things got so much better, and frankly quite easier for me.

Not having to struggle with the why's (which I did a lot of) or the shoulds, or even the what ifs or how she would react (now shes the one concerned about how I react, asking me if shes stepped on my toes and trying to reconnect of her own initiative) allowed me to focus on whats really important.

I'm a bit over a year out and I'm still talking to her as a friend, pretty much the longest uninterrupted good period since we met some three years ago

[Rev]

rest.

I was wired from this regardless of her not being around anymore and just immersed myself into activities as a distraction. The thing is, the body and the mind have been through so much intensity - it never had the real chance or maybe even forgot to "relax". Some times I could get out of the worst cyclical ruminations simply by lying down for half an hour and would wake up feeling much better in mood and in control of my thoughts. Well done so far and all the best. Crom

Yes - this is a good one. For the first few months - I rested alot and less alcohol and ate smaller / healthier portions.  It made a big difference. Neuroscience indicates that rest gives the rational mind a chance to catch up.

Rev

[Rev]

Acceptance is a major one for me.

Congratulations. I am there in one sense - accepted she was "gone" within a week of it being over - what I discovered was too shocking for it to be otherwise.

I am now finding that in the 7 months following I have suppressed enough anger that it resurfaces.  So I still ruminate - sometimes for a big part of the day. But the hurt and anger that goes along with that has subsided quite substantially.

We were a very public couple and there are many who have been served by her as well who have since come forward with their own stories - Over two dozen in the last three months.

We will never be friends. Beyond not loving her - I don't like her. In fact, that was the first thing to go. I "loved" her but really didn't "like" her much at all.  Professionally I came to see her lack of ethics. Everyone can have a bad day - especially when you work in the the field of mental health. But crossing boundaries and hurting people - that's another story.

So I play the "tape" in my head and bring myself back to neutral.

Thanks for sharing.

[SinisterComplex]

"We will never be friends. Beyond not loving her - I don't like her. In fact, that was the first thing to go. I "loved" her but really didn't "like" her much at all.  Professionally I came to see her lack of ethics. Everyone can have a bad day - especially when you work in the the field of mental health. But crossing boundaries and hurting people - that's another story."

Rev, I just wanted to point something out here. Honestly, it is refreshing to see someone say this. I would say this realization of yours is healthy. Some may argue that its not. The truth is you cannot be friends with everyone and cutting negative toxic people out of your life is one of the smartest and healthiest things you can ever do. I personally cannot stomach the weak, wimpy, doormat culture where everyone is expected to be friends. That just isn't realistic. Some people suck...that is just how it is. Like I always say...I never wish any ill will on anyone, but I could care less either way as well because it isn't my concern. Learning to detach and be indifferent is healthy. If someone cannot respect you and they cross your boundaries and they hurt you they give up the privilege of having you remain in their life. Its unfortunate, but you have to be willing the slam the door in someone's face to not only teach them a lesson but also help save yourself. In essence, you tell them to go kick rocks and you focus on your own future.

Cheers and best wishes my friend.

-SC-

[Rev]

 Additionally I start setting new goals and plan projects for myself.



Cheers!

-SC-

Cheers to you SC... and yes - setting goals and plan projects - it forces us to live into better self awareness.  And it brings healing through the process - the outcome is even less important - and it must, I would imagine - continue to fuel your desire to know and understand.

Happy new year to you my friend.

Be well. Continue to spread your good news.

Rev

[Woolspinner2000]

Hey Rev, 

Thought I'd pop by and share my two cents worth.

How are you coping a few months out?  What habits do you find work for you?  Has the hurt passed or are you simply coping better.

I've literally just passed my first year since I left DH, so I've been reflecting. I'm doing well, really well. So much more peace in my life now, and that's mostly because I am more at peace with myself. I find that most of the time I'm able to handle the distance of relationship that I have with DH, not always, but most of the time. I'm far less lonely now that I live alone than when I lived in the same house with him. The majority of our 35 years together were probably the most lonely of my life. Well, I guess that's been all I've known until now.

One of the main ways that I keep myself healthy emotionally is by not engaging with him. The N traits he shows certainly are innate enough that it is a part of who he is, desiring communication of some sort, even creating drama to do so. Typically it engages me in defensiveness which is all the better for him, because at least I'm communicating with him, but it's not healthy for me and in the end, it's also not healthy for him. Not engaging is a habit and a personal boundary that I have to keep in place.

I find that much of the hurt has passed, because I have allowed myself to grieve a lot this last year and in the last years we were together. The death of our relationship, as we knew it, has been a long, slow, painful process. I doubt that all of the hurt has passed because sometimes it is like 'ambushing' hurt: coming when I least expect it. But I will work through it when it comes. I've also been encouraging our children to mourn and grieve the losses too, reminding them that it's normal.

Sometimes I am even glimpsing 'delight' on those occasions when it comes to visit me. I am learning to be so much more aware of myself, and the awareness of others (on the hyper-vigilance side due to my uBPD mom) is lessening, allowing room for Wools to finally appear.

So tonight I can say that I am thankful and at peace, as much as is possible.

 
Wools

[SinisterComplex]

Cheers to you SC... and yes - setting goals and plan projects - it forces us to live into better self awareness.  And it brings healing through the process - the outcome is even less important - and it must, I would imagine - continue to fuel your desire to know and understand.

Happy new year to you my friend.

Be well. Continue to spread your good news.

Rev

Self-awareness...truly a concept I wish many could learn to grasp, but yet it seems to be something in this society and culture that is simply overlooked and underdeveloped. There is perhaps nothing more irritating when you hear someone say I don't think I know myself well enough to give you an answer or furthermore when you ask a question the de facto answer is I don't know or I don't know what I want? The best and most important relationship you will ever have is the one you have with yourself. Make it a priority!

I wish you the absolute best and an effin spectacular year this year as well my friend.

Cheers!

-SC-

[Rev]

Hey Rev, 

Thought I'd pop by and share my two cents worth.

I've literally just passed my first year since I left DH, so I've been reflecting. I'm doing well, really well. So much more peace in my life now, and that's mostly because I am more at peace with myself. I find that most of the time I'm able to handle the distance of relationship that I have with DH, not always, but most of the time. I'm far less lonely now that I live alone than when I lived in the same house with him. The majority of our 35 years together were probably the most lonely of my life. Well, I guess that's been all I've known until now.

One of the main ways that I keep myself healthy emotionally is by not engaging with him. The N traits he shows certainly are innate enough that it is a part of who he is, desiring communication of some sort, even creating drama to do so. Typically it engages me in defensiveness which is all the better for him, because at least I'm communicating with him, but it's not healthy for me and in the end, it's also not healthy for him. Not engaging is a habit and a personal boundary that I have to keep in place.

 I doubt that all of the hurt has passed because sometimes it is like 'ambushing' hurt: coming when I least expect it. But I will work through it when it comes.

Sometimes I am even glimpsing 'delight' on those occasions when it comes to visit me. I am learning to be so much more aware of myself, and the awareness of others (on the hyper-vigilance side due to my uBPD mom) is lessening, allowing room for Wools to finally appear.

So tonight I can say that I am thankful and at peace, as much as is possible.

 
Wools

Happy new year Wools.

So much of what you write here resonates.  I work in the same organization as my ex - so in order to secure the boundary, I need to put in a cease and desist - forcing her to contact me through the office.

The waves of hurt to which they refer and the "delight" they sometimes bring happen to me too - I still struggle with the "why" stuff but slowly it is fading. I think that I have a lot of suppressed anger that was baked into the shock of what I was seeing in front of me. I have never really lived with or worked closely with someone who was so morally stunted.

In my own boundaries, I heal. My new partner is a long time friend. We found ourselves in the midst of all of this as.  It is a love based on friendship that is growing into a romance.  You mention your own mother - the death of my parents in the last year freed me up to look at my life on its own terms - rather than the terms of my overbearing father.

Wools - thank you for reaching out. I continue to hold everyone here on these boards in prayer.

Blessings on your day.

Rev

[BrokenSpokane]

It's been 4 months tomorrow since I left her (uexBPD) and I've learned so much about the disorder, why she acted the way she did, why I stayed as long as I did and most importantly, I learned it's not my fault.

I continue to go to therapy on a weekly basis. We're focusing on me now. I've learned enough about BPD and we're done hashing out the past, her behavior. I've learned that I'm a Caretaker. I give and give in a relationship. I will bend over backwards to make the other person happy. I will give up my wants, my desires, my needs and substitute for what they want.

So, through therapy, writings I am working on fixing this behavior so I don't repeat it in my next relationship.

I do what I want to do today. That's what I focus on. What makes me happy, what I want to do. I was programmed to do what she wanted, denied myself for so long, I'm reprogramming myself to focus on me.

I exercise. Going back in a more regular basis my karate training.

I've been seeing lots of friends again. I'm social again. I haven't done that in a long time.

I've listened to audio books about the Caretaker and how to move on, heal. Ashley Burges also has a great channel on YouTube. Talks about BPD, caretaking, sex in a BPD relationship, etc.

I pray for her health, happiness and prosperity everyday. I'm starting to mean it, but it takes a while. There's still some anger, resentment there, but I'm working through that to get rid of it. Anger and resentment is poison for my soul and doesn't do any good carrying that around.

Basically, I'm finding myself again.

The pain is gone, but residual stuff is still there. Once we sell the house we own together (or it goes into foreclosure), then I'll truly be free of her. That will be a nice day, for I don't ever, ever want to see it hear from her again.

[zachira]

I learned to really look at what kind of person a man is from the get go. I had a wonderful boyfriend who broke up with me years ago and treated me with kindness and consideration when he ended the relationship. I now avoid anybody that doesn't treat me well and others, and really try to see through my infatuation before getting emotionally involved. People show who they really are, if we value ourselves enough to take time to observe.

[Bo1975]

It's been 4 months tomorrow since I left her (uexBPD) and I've learned so much about the disorder, why she acted the way she did, why I stayed as long as I did and most importantly, I learned it's not my fault.

I continue to go to therapy on a weekly basis. We're focusing on me now. I've learned enough about BPD and we're done hashing out the past, her behavior. I've learned that I'm a Caretaker. I give and give in a relationship. I will bend over backwards to make the other person happy. I will give up my wants, my desires, my needs and substitute for what they want.

So, through therapy, writings I am working on fixing this behavior so I don't repeat it in my next relationship.

I do what I want to do today. That's what I focus on. What makes me happy, what I want to do. I was programmed to do what she wanted, denied myself for so long, I'm reprogramming myself to focus on me.

I exercise. Going back in a more regular basis my karate training.

I've been seeing lots of friends again. I'm social again. I haven't done that in a long time.

I've listened to audio books about the Caretaker and how to move on, heal. Ashley Burges also has a great channel on YouTube. Talks about BPD, caretaking, sex in a BPD relationship, etc.

I pray for her health, happiness and prosperity everyday. I'm starting to mean it, but it takes a while. There's still some anger, resentment there, but I'm working through that to get rid of it. Anger and resentment is poison for my soul and doesn't do any good carrying that around.

Basically, I'm finding myself again.

The pain is gone, but residual stuff is still there. Once we sell the house we own together (or it goes into foreclosure), then I'll truly be free of her. That will be a nice day, for I don't ever, ever want to see it hear

Unbelievable how what you write is so recognizable! That you lose yourself without realizing it... That it is quite normal to give and not to take. And because it's so normal, you don't realize for a long time that it's not right. Ashley Berges I listened a lot, very nice. I'm going to start therapy next week. And recognize that I, too, would be happy if the house was sold. How bizarre it is that you can love someone so much, and then you can't wait to say goodbye to them. Are few people who have brought me so much grief.

[alittleawkward]

8 months on from a 9 month relationship . Moving on has been very tricky when we're both part of an intense and big friendship group, but for now, I've removed myself from the equation and it's doing wonders. I'm not clinging onto the idea of it being ok again anymore. It's even more weight lifted off my shoulders.

Really struggled up until Christmas, seeing her on her birthday, watching her grind on her ex in front of me, struggling with losses in the family and only wanting her compassion, but in reflection I now see just how awfully manipulated I was. It was never maintainable. It was never entirely my fault. People who have continued to support her I have removed from my life. My fragile friendships have grown stronger. I feel a lot more comfortable getting on with my day to day life. Coming here and understanding I'm not alone in my experience, understanding how BPD works, and that some people have it far worse. As has been said above, she's becoming a memory, a piece of my history, not a burden to my day to day life anymore but rather a story of a bad decision that lead to a bad time (and hopefully a lesson learnt!).

I've finally been able to delete her texts, her number, and get her things out of my house. I don't really know why I was holding onto it all anymore. The things I have held on to don't give me anxious butterflies anymore either.

More of the bad times are coming to the front of my mind too. From a month into the relationship being concerned that I was the reason for her depression. Being degraded for where I live and who I hung out with. For having a decent job rather than spending time with her. It's satisfying knowing I can do whatever I want again without the slander. Whilst they may be victims of a horrible mental health issue, we are the victims of their actions when they choose to not get help.

I'm still not over missing my best friend. I don't think that'll change for a little while yet. But I realise how toyed I was in the relationship and it's a little scary. How under her thumb I was. I hold onto the fact she said she'd 'never find anyone better' and want to find someone else who will treat me like thats actually the case. I'm finally finding other people attractive again and it's exciting! Looking forward to being able to move on rather than looking back with guilt and sadness.

[Rev]

Whilst they may be victims of a horrible mental health issue, we are the victims of their actions when they choose to not get help.

I'm still not over missing my best friend. I don't think that'll change for a little while yet. But I realise how toyed I was in the relationship and it's a little scary. How under her thumb I was. I hold onto the fact she said she'd 'never find anyone better' and want to find someone else who will treat me like thats actually the case. I'm finally finding other people attractive again and it's exciting! Looking forward to being able to move on with excitement, rather than looking back with guilt and sadness.

I resonate with this... and I think that there's something to a year that is part of this - as in a full cycle of living apart from "whatever that was" with her.  I too was totally under her thumb in our relationship. By virtue of the nature of my work, I had other supports and so I moved into a freeing space immediately that was affirming to my "other self" - not the false self of the relationship but the true self (warts and all) that I am.

Thanks for writing.

Continue to be "excited"!  I love it!

Rev

[SinisterComplex]

People show who they really are, if we value ourselves enough to take time to observe.

I preach this all the time. I have helped many of my female friends with this concept and one of them finally learned her lesson and listened and then did find a man who treated her the way she wanted to be treated. Actions will always speak louder than words. Respect trumps all. If you respect yourself others will come to respect you as well.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[PeteWitsend]

I'm over a year since moving out and filing for divorce... about 9 months since the divorce was finalized.

I'd say these are the biggest things I've learned:

1) honesty and trust in a relationship are sacred.  Don't tread over them; if your partner is dishonest, or - more insidiously - engages in a lot of half-truths, misrepresentations, and denials, or other argumentative behavior, it is not going to be possible to build an actual committed relationship with them.  Move on.  Don't look back.

2) Talk things that trouble you out with your partner.  Do not sit on them or try to "score points" and rake them over the coals later if they engage in behavior you didn't like.  if they can't respect you and reciprocate honestly, it's probably not a good match.

3) It's true "every couple fights"... but not like BPDers! 

[PeteWitsend]

another thing...

I've seen that comment floating around that "Hey, if you ended up in a relationship with a pwBPD, there's probably something wrong with you too!  Go work on yourself!"

Well... maybe there is and maybe not.

It's the same thing as getting swindled: it can happen to the best of us.

Sometimes a con is just too good, or gets lucky and finds the right mark.  

I think a Non-disordered person may have issues they need to work through as well; or they may just have gotten into a difficult situation that was hard to get out of, due to new family commitments like having children with a pwBPD, or because of illness or financial problems.  

But - issues like those, and codependancy aside - Just learning to heed the warning signs might be good enough, along with the sort of maturity and confidence that comes with age.

In my own case, I definitely saw the   and didn't heed them, due to naïveté and some immaturity.  I had never heard of BPD, nor was I in a position to recognize her behavior at the time as something that may be due to a deeper psychological problem, rather than anxiety over her economic and immigration situations as she claimed.  

And having gone through a rough patch when my career was getting started, I sympathized with her.  We work in the same profession, and I met her when she was about a year out of school.  So I didn't see her struggles at the time as too unusual, and figured with the added pressure of being on an extended student visa (something I never had to contend with), she was probably justified in being a little prickly. 

This idea that a Non- bears some of the blame is unfortunate though, and while it's certainly something to consider and I'm not trying to dismiss it, or downplay it, but it is by no means applicable to everyone who's ever gotten into a relationship with a pwBPD.

[Rev]

another thing...

I've seen that comment floating around that "Hey, if you ended up in a relationship with a pwBPD, there's probably something wrong with you too!  Go work on yourself!"

Well... maybe there is and maybe not.

It's the same thing as getting swindled: it can happen to the best of us.

This idea that a Non- bears some of the blame is unfortunate though, and while it's certainly something to consider and I'm not trying to dismiss it, or downplay it, but it is by no means applicable to everyone who's ever gotten into a relationship with a pwBPD.

Totally agree... I saw the flags too - and in hindsight it's easy to say "I should have seen that" or "I must have been co-dependent".  No. I just didn't know the full consequences of the choice to try to understand her... not the consequences of trying to be understanding... the consequences of trying to support and understand her. If it's a con - and I know now that the very way we met was a lie - then it's designed to fool you. 

Nice post.

Rev

[pest947]

For me it's the amazing feeling of not being judged about any little thing you can think of. I've caught myself internally a few times scrambling for something, yet there's been no judging just mutual respect and feelings. It's weird sometimes like a fish out of water but refreshing. The relationship is better, we do more things together, the sex is on another level even beyond initial BPD  "idealization sex". Its really not even close. What a breath of fresh air.

[pest947]

Sorry I missed the point of the thread. Therapy and seeing her for who she really is and not "Who she plays on TV". Realizing that as part of the idealization phase I built her up into this mythical creature in my head, then I started comparing everyone to this blown up non-existent fairy tale and I'd never be happy until I had to look at everything realistically and recognized all the cognitive distortions about her in my head.  Though my first answer has inspired me to start a new thread. 

[once removed]

I've seen that comment floating around that "Hey, if you ended up in a relationship with a pwBPD, there's probably something wrong with you too!  Go work on yourself!"

i wouldnt agree with it either. anyone can get into a relationship with a dysfunctional person.

at a certain point though, when it becomes a dysfunctional relationship, one person cannot a dysfunctional relationship make.

in healing from my breakup, that is part of what i learned.

my relationship tested me. it was one of the biggest challenges of my life. and sometimes, or even often, i know i didnt deal with that in the best, or most mature, or most constructive way. of course i didnt know better then, and it doesnt make me a bad person with something wrong with him.

but/so that took me some time, some healing, and a couple more bad relationships to really see.

my ex and i loved each other the best we could, which in spite of that love, had a limited capacity (today i aspire to grow and expand love and my idea of it). there were some things about her as a person i would love to find in another partner. there were aspects of our relationship that were very special, and i had to mourn and grieve the loss of those things. we also brought out the worst in each other, there were things about each other that we couldnt accept, and our relationship had an expiration date that probably should have been sooner than later, but for both of us hanging on.

thats another part of what i learned in healing from my breakup. to see a dead end relationship and make hard, but healthier choices. to see something dysfunctional or broken, and not, in my own way, contribute to that even further.

im not the same guy today as the one that was in that relationship, but it was a relationship that met where and who i was at the time. i like to think im a lot more confident in myself and my choices, as well as in all of the risks that love and the dating world entail.

i realized those things by taking a more critical look at myself in relation to others..plus a lot of trial and error. making choices based on my bad experience with my ex has some, but limited value. that relationship is over.

[Longterm]

  rev

 And so I am wondering - how are you coping a few months out?

What habits do you find work for you?  Has the hurst passed or are you simply coping better.

I do not think the hurt has passed, I just think it is still in process, yet I feel over the worst. I do think coping has become easier. It has been 2.5yrs for me with a 2mth recycle last year in between. I read on here about every recycle further damages the "relationship" to the point that it is impossible to return to, I think this is absolutely spot on. The hurt/pain/suffering endured by the children and myself is too great. I divorced December and she does not see the kids anymore, it is their choice, one I am happy about. The resentment and anger is present in them, this was built up over a period of years and I see why they feel the way they do because I feel it to. I honestly believe that this can never be fixed, that's points to acceptance. There is nothing left to work with and I am thankful of that because my compulsion to fix would not allow me to close that door.

Habits that work for me are exploring my own emotions, to try and see where my mind is not being my friend, and to correct this, to cut through wants vs needs, with the needs being the kids and mine.

It does get easier, better even when you get to the point where you simply cannot do it anymore, shifting the focus is extremely difficult, but necessary and rewarding.

Good subject  

LT.

[Rev]

i wouldnt agree with it either. anyone can get into a relationship with a dysfunctional person.

at a certain point though, when it becomes a dysfunctional relationship, one person cannot a dysfunctional relationship make.

So true - As I said to my life/leadership coach, there were things that I saw that were just true enough that I didn't want them to be true.

Thanks for the really great post.

Rev

[Steps31]

what helped me to heal is forgiveness and understanding.

Forgiveness because I believe her extreme reactions were out of her control, being under this terrible disorder's influence.
Understanding meaning that I used to think she was seeing the real me, but I understand she was just seeing what she wanted to see, again much of it projections from the disorder.

[Longterm]

  Forgiveness because I believe her extreme reactions were out of her control, being under this terrible disorder's influence.
Understanding meaning that I used to think she was seeing the real me, but I understand she was just seeing what she wanted to see, again much of it projections from the disorder.

Very true. Its important to not take it personally although at times an extremely difficult thing to do.

LT.

[I Am Redeemed]

I learned that I can take good characteristics and twist them into a self-deceiving and toxic level-for me.

Loyalty is good. Empathy is good. Altruism is good. Giving people the benefit of the doubt is good. Unconditional love is good. Faith is good. Self-sacrifice is good. But...

when I deceived myself into believing that these characteristics were my motivators for staying in a relationship that was, for all intents and purposes, dangerous and threatening to my mental, emotional, and physical health and safety, then...I contributed to perpetuating the dysfunctional dynamic and I made decisions that had severe negative consequences for myself and my kids.

There is some truth in all of the characteristics listed above as far as for what motivated me to keep on hanging in there when there was solid and striking evidence that the relationship was not only toxic, but actually life-threatening to me (there was severe physical abuse in my r/s). But what I have learned since breaking up and moving forward is that my true, real, deep-down, accurate motivators were these:

1) Refusing to admit I made a bad choice in a partner
2) Feeling overly responsible for another adult, albeit a severely mentally unstable adult
3) Not setting appropriate boundaries from the beginning (HUGE issue with me)
4) Not wanting to accept that I wasn't going to get the romantic fantasy and happy-ever-after r/s that I wanted
5) Placing way too much significance on my ability to hold everything together and not have things fall apart in irreparable ways
6) Letting another person define my self-image
7) Not wanting to be alone without a partner and have to deal with finances, parenting, etc. on my own

In other words, the main driving force for why I stayed in an obviously abusive and toxic relationship was to manage my own insecurities, anxieties, and uncomfortable feelings. I had low self-esteem, I was accustomed to dysfunction, and I overestimated my ability to turn the situation around single-handedly.

I have learned that I have to look at me and why I tolerated such a r/s and why I went back after attempts to leave and why I stayed when it was destroying my life. I have learned that boundary setting is a really big problem with me and there are so many layers as to why that is so that I could spend a whole year in therapy just uncovering and working on those issues.

That's the bottom line. I learned that I ignored red flags, thought I knew better and could handle it, didn't set boundaries and thought that I was staying because I wanted to help him (when I couldn't) when really I was trying to manage my own uncomfortable feelings of embarassment, grief, anxiety, fear, and insecurity. And even though the r/s is over, it's still my responsibility to learn how to have better boundaries and develop healthy ways of identifying and coping with any uncomfortable feelings or insecurities I may have today.  

[SinisterComplex]

I learned that I can take good characteristics and twist them into a self-deceiving and toxic level-for me.

Loyalty is good. Empathy is good. Altruism is good. Giving people the benefit of the doubt is good. Unconditional love is good. Faith is good. Self-sacrifice is good. But...

when I deceived myself into believing that these characteristics were my motivators for staying in a relationship that was, for all intents and purposes, dangerous and threatening to my mental, emotional, and physical health and safety, then...I contributed to perpetuating the dysfunctional dynamic and I made decisions that had severe negative consequences for myself and my kids.

There is some truth in all of the characteristics listed above as far as for what motivated me to keep on hanging in there when there was solid and striking evidence that the relationship was not only toxic, but actually life-threatening to me (there was severe physical abuse in my r/s). But what I have learned since breaking up and moving forward is that my true, real, deep-down, accurate motivators were these:

1) Refusing to admit I made a bad choice in a partner
2) Feeling overly responsible for another adult, albeit a severely mentally unstable adult
3) Not setting appropriate boundaries from the beginning (HUGE issue with me)
4) Not wanting to accept that I wasn't going to get the romantic fantasy and happy-ever-after r/s that I wanted
5) Placing way too much significance on my ability to hold everything together and not have things fall apart in irreparable ways
6) Letting another person define my self-image
7) Not wanting to be alone without a partner and have to deal with finances, parenting, etc. on my own

In other words, the main driving force for why I stayed in an obviously abusive and toxic relationship was to manage my own insecurities, anxieties, and uncomfortable feelings. I had low self-esteem, I was accustomed to dysfunction, and I overestimated my ability to turn the situation around single-handedly.

I have learned that I have to look at me and why I tolerated such a r/s and why I went back after attempts to leave and why I stayed when it was destroying my life. I have learned that boundary setting is a really big problem with me and there are so many layers as to why that is so that I could spend a whole year in therapy just uncovering and working on those issues.

That's the bottom line. I learned that I ignored red flags, thought I knew better and could handle it, didn't set boundaries and thought that I was staying because I wanted to help him (when I couldn't) when really I was trying to manage my own uncomfortable feelings of embarassment, grief, anxiety, fear, and insecurity. And even though the r/s is over, it's still my responsibility to learn how to have better boundaries and develop healthy ways of identifying and coping with any uncomfortable feelings or insecurities I may have today.  

If there were such a thing as giving awards for best responses I would nominate this post right here. Very balanced, introspective, productive, and illuminating all in one...

I would say from this post your name of I am Redeemed is aptly fitting.

I honestly can't really follow up beyond that because this was pure perfection and what I look for from people. I enjoy seeing when all the pieces come together. As my signature states...through adversity there is redemption! ;-)

Cheers and all the best to you!

-SC-

[Rev]

I learned that I can take good characteristics and twist them into a self-deceiving and toxic level-for me.

Loyalty is good. Empathy is good. Altruism is good. Giving people the benefit of the doubt is good. Unconditional love is good. Faith is good. Self-sacrifice is good. But...

when I deceived myself into believing that these characteristics were my motivators for staying in a relationship that was, for all intents and purposes, dangerous and threatening to my mental, emotional, and physical health and safety, then...I contributed to perpetuating the dysfunctional dynamic and I made decisions that had severe negative consequences for myself and my kids.

There is some truth in all of the characteristics listed above as far as for what motivated me to keep on hanging in there when there was solid and striking evidence that the relationship was not only toxic, but actually life-threatening to me (there was severe physical abuse in my r/s). But what I have learned since breaking up and moving forward is that my true, real, deep-down, accurate motivators were these:

1) Refusing to admit I made a bad choice in a partner
2) Feeling overly responsible for another adult, albeit a severely mentally unstable adult
3) Not setting appropriate boundaries from the beginning (HUGE issue with me)
4) Not wanting to accept that I wasn't going to get the romantic fantasy and happy-ever-after r/s that I wanted
5) Placing way too much significance on my ability to hold everything together and not have things fall apart in irreparable ways
6) Letting another person define my self-image
7) Not wanting to be alone without a partner and have to deal with finances, parenting, etc. on my own

In other words, the main driving force for why I stayed in an obviously abusive and toxic relationship was to manage my own insecurities, anxieties, and uncomfortable feelings. I had low self-esteem, I was accustomed to dysfunction, and I overestimated my ability to turn the situation around single-handedly.

I have learned that I have to look at me and why I tolerated such a r/s and why I went back after attempts to leave and why I stayed when it was destroying my life. I have learned that boundary setting is a really big problem with me and there are so many layers as to why that is so that I could spend a whole year in therapy just uncovering and working on those issues.

That's the bottom line. I learned that I ignored red flags, thought I knew better and could handle it, didn't set boundaries and thought that I was staying because I wanted to help him (when I couldn't) when really I was trying to manage my own uncomfortable feelings of embarassment, grief, anxiety, fear, and insecurity. And even though the r/s is over, it's still my responsibility to learn how to have better boundaries and develop healthy ways of identifying and coping with any uncomfortable feelings or insecurities I may have today.  

I am going to print and save this in a file and read it whenever I am having a "seasick" moment (as I call them). As SC says, this is the most complete and honest assessment of why we stay. My relationship was so abusive - mentally and sometimes physically. I suffered in such silence and pretended. Everyone saw through it.

Thank you for this.  What a great testimony.

Rev