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Author Topic: Does exH have a say in how child support is used?  (Read 377 times)
Ulysses
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« on: January 12, 2020, 07:44:22 PM »

Last year I was awarded child support. 

This process took almost 12 months, and exH ended up with his 3rd lawyer.  Now he is representing himself (he's an attorney, his wife is as well, now in family-law practice).  The process cost me a lot in attorney's fees, and actually part of the arbitrator's decision was that he also had to pay some of my attorney's fees.  It was a hellish process and in the end a good outcome for me and my kids.

Anyway, now I'm receiving some child support.  My attorney had argued that I needed it in part because I have 2 children and live in a 2 bedroom apartment.  I share a room with my daughter. S has his own room.  Right before the child support decision, I had to sign my annual lease agreement. I'm here until the summer unless I want to pay a few thousand in fees to break the lease.  I don't have a few thousand.

I just got an email from exH asking when I'm  moving to a bigger place, and that since I mentioned I would move in my child support stuff, I need to tell him what my plans are so that he will know whether to take, "appropriate action."  He cc'd my attorney but not my daughter's therapist.  So I think his concern he expressed is bs.

My L says she doesn't know if I need to respond (?), that he has no legal standing to change the child support or the parenting plan.  L say I could respond if I want and give a vague timeline if I'm planning on moving. 

Does anyone have advice?  Experience with this?  Thanks.

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worriedStepmom
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« Reply #1 on: January 13, 2020, 07:47:47 AM »

Does your court order specify what child support is to be used for?  How is the formula in your jurisdiction calculated?

Are there rules in your jurisdiction for how often child support can be re-evaluated?  (Where I live, you can only do this every 3 years.)

In my jurisdiction, child support is automatic for the parent with the most overnights.  The primary parent can spend it on whatever they want and they don't need to answer to the other parent (even if the other parent asks questions, like your ex).
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livednlearned
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« Reply #2 on: January 13, 2020, 08:58:50 AM »

Hi Ulysses,

Congratulations on getting an outcome in your favor, although I know the journey there had to be rough  Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)

The email you describe sounds like something my ex (also an attorney) would write. Your ex lost in court and needs to gain some control back. He is sending veiled threats that are legally possible but not likely to go anywhere in court.

If you do write back, stick to something BIFF (brief, informative, friendly, firm). Minimize the target. "Once I know our plans, I will notify you."

Less is more.

The response your L gave is likely because she recognizes that your ex may go to lengths to act legally, even if it's bogus. As you are probably learning, he can take you to court for pretty much any reason. That doesn't mean he will win in court, but for a disordered person suffering a narcissistic injury, doing nothing may feel like annihilation.

My ex was pretty chronic in his legal harassment as well as ongoing veiled threats (with a surprising amount of name-calling). I don't know when it happened, but at a certain point I flipped over into radical acceptance: this chronic conflict was going to be part of my life. They say that pain x resistance = suffering, so with some work on my part I was able to eliminate the resistance. I still went to court, still retained a lawyer, still spent money I didn't have, still responded (when necessary) to emails. But I don't know ... after a while I treated the discord kind of like a weed I could push back but not eradicate.

Live your wonderful PD-free life and enjoy your kids  Virtual hug (click to insert in post) 

I'm sorry you have to endure this and hope his actions don't overshadow the new life you're building for yourself.
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Waddams
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Relationship status: Living single, dating wonderful woman now
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« Reply #3 on: January 13, 2020, 09:05:21 AM »

If I was you, I wouldn't replay at all. You don't owe him anything and for d*mn sure don't need to account yourself to him about your living plans both now, when your lease runs out, or any other time. There's legalities, of which he has no standing at all in this matter, and there's also setting boundaries with him.

Legally, you owe him nothing. Boundary wise - setting them and holding them is what's needed. Best way to do that is not respond to this. Other option would be to respond by telling him to pound sand, you don't owe him what he's asking for and he has no standing or case, he can file something else and you can hit him for attorney's fees after you win the next round based on how frivolous it is, etc. However, 2nd option is more likely to result in escalating tensions and drama. Just being silent and no response is best to set and hold the boundary, and also not "poke the bear" so to speak.
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Ulysses
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« Reply #4 on: January 17, 2020, 12:48:01 AM »

Thank you so much for the replies.  I've been digesting them this week, and I had to kind of chuckle to myself when I read them, because each reply was different and perfectly expressed the mixed emotions I'm having, and the different angles I'm trying to approach this from.

After the initial shock of his email, which of course felt like a sickening rush of adrenaline/cortisol/whatever, I thought about the legal aspect and realized he probably had no standing.  I do feel my L confirmed this.  LnL, your reply is a good reminder that he may very well start filing things or threatening to.  I never thought he'd represent himself (he always used to say, "only a fool represents himself"), but I suppose his wife and her firm may be doing the work.  I'm also working on radical acceptance, and appreciate your description.

worriedStepmom, in my state, there is a very clear, black and white worksheet to compute support. There are deviation possibilities but they only factor in a little for us. I don't think there are requirements about how I spend it.  Not sure there are limits about how often one can ask to have it adjusted. Certainly I would think after a significant change in circumstances, but I don't know.  I'll have to research.  Thanks for bringing up these points.

Waddams, I also thought about not replying, or doing so and telling him to pound sand (actually, more explicit words came to mind).  Especially since he is supposed to be paying tuition for D's private school and again this year isn't.  It's like, take care of your own junk before trying to direct mine.  Part of me wants to ask him to tell me more about what he's thinking in case he then gets nasty in an email and I have it in writing. I can add it to my collection.

LnL, thank you.  I've been able to be with my kids a lot since Christmas.  We went to the mountains for free with a friend of mine (male), and stayed at an amazing place in a national park. It was only a couple of days but I feel like I connected with my kids in new ways.  Come to think of it, it was after my time with my children that exH emailed me.  Probably not related but who knows.  Thank you for your response suggestion, I really like the way you phrased it. 

I would like to have the motivation to use SET and other strategies when I interact with exH.  I just don't care anymore, and feel way too tired.  I don't send inflammatory emails, but don't bother with SET, either. 

Thanks again for the replies.  You are all such a great resource.
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livednlearned
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« Reply #5 on: January 17, 2020, 08:45:36 AM »

We went to the mountains for free with a friend of mine (male), and stayed at an amazing place in a national park. It was only a couple of days but I feel like I connected with my kids in new ways. 

That's wonderful  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

I'm so happy for you!

And I think you're smart to see a connection between his email and the knowledge that you have a male friend that the kids got to spend time with. That makes a lot of sense. Not having the skills to process his emotions, he has to inflict his pain elsewhere.

 Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)
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