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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Co-parenting 14yo f  (Read 403 times)
blizzardofOZ
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: co-parenting
Posts: 1


« on: January 13, 2020, 01:13:52 AM »

Hi there -

This is my first time reaching out through this board. Even though I have known this day would most likely arrive, I’m at a loss at where to begin. My ex has BPD. Our daughter is 14 and we’ve been co-parenting for about 13 years.

My daughter has asked for help.  She says she’s tired of the raging, unpredictability and constant walking on eggshells.

She wants to see a therapist but is afraid to tell her mom.

It’s late and I want to keep this brief as it’s my first time. But I’m happy to provide more details.

I’m hoping someone will be able to guide me through this. I was introduced to Randi’s book 15yo and it saved me! How do I do the same for my daughter? She needs help but she can’t just leave like I did.

Thank you!
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Panda39
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Relationship status: SO and I have been together 9 years and have just moved in together this summer.
Posts: 3462



« Reply #1 on: January 13, 2020, 07:50:27 AM »

Hi BlizzardofOz,

Welcome to the group  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)  I'm glad you found us and decided to jump in and post.

What is your custody agreement like?  Do you both have decision-making in this area?  I hear that you are trying to avoid conflict with your ex and your ex taking things out on your daughter. It might come down to bringing it to her directly though.

Maybe start with a discussion with your daughter's school counselor or her pediatrician.  They may be able to give you some ideas or assist you in approaching your ex.

As a stepmom with a stepdaughter (who's mom has BPD) who made suicidal threats because of her mother's behaviors, I encourage you to pursue this through to the end.  It's really good that your daughter is asking for help now vs it becoming a crisis.

In the meantime continue to talk with her yourself and validate her feelings as you work towards the goal of a Therapist

I thought you might find this link on "Raising Resilient Kids" helpful...
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=182254.msg1331459#msg1331459

I'm sure others will be along soon with more ideas and suggestions.

Hang in there,
Panda39
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"Have you ever looked fear in the face and just said, I just don't care" -Pink
worriedStepmom
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 1157


« Reply #2 on: January 13, 2020, 08:23:52 AM »

Hi Blizzard!  Welcome.

Your daughter is so brave to realize that she needs help and ask for it!

What does she think will happen if she tells her mom she wants a T?  What do *you* think will happen if you tell your ex that D14 needs a T?  Is it likely that your ex will agree to that?
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ForeverDad
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18073


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #3 on: January 13, 2020, 06:43:01 PM »

You worry that you will say Yes and your ex will say No and then that's the end of it, nothing gets done.  Well, you have a resource, the court or possibly a court appointed lawyer for the minor, a Guardian ad Litem (GAL).  How so?  My lawyer stated to me simply, "Courts love counseling."  So even if your ex firmly puts her foot down and states, "No way!" then you just turn to the court, probably the one that issued the custody and parenting order.  We here in peer support leave the legal details to the local but experienced proactive lawyer who knows the local process and rules.  You probably should have a record of the letter, email or text message so that you can be able to confirm you've already tried to resolve it with the other parent before turning to court.  Again, you may want your lawyer to review it just in case so it is clearly worded but reasonable.

For example, you probably wouldn't want to say "Daughter wants counseling for whatever."  That may put the ex's focus on daughter and she could be tempted to pressure daughter to state she never wanted counseling or doesn't want counseling after all.  Hmm, to forestall that attempt, you may also want to first have daughter give you something in writing and dated where she asks you to help her with getting a counselor.  You would hold that in reserve if needed for use in court.

Be careful to educate your daughter that her mother may resist this and pressure her.  Advise her to shunt everything to your shoulders, let you get the wrath, manipulation and cajoling instead of her.  She's a kid after all.  Kids don't like being in the middle.  This is for adults to decide, not kids.  If the parents can't reach agreement — let's hope you two can reach an agreement — then let the neutral professionals decide.

However, what you don't want is for your disordered ex to choose the counselor, odds are she will select one that is inexperienced, gullible, biased or easily manipulated.  And if she does find a good one she may dump him/her and seek a more pliable one.  So is there a strategy to minimize that risk?

Does your son have a court authorized counselor?  It sounds like he doesn't?  With one parent pitted against the other and the child in the middle, that's no place he wants to be.  There's a section in Richard Warshak's Divorce Poison which describes how it's not surprising that the child, even one in his teens, chooses the aggressive parent hoping that then the pressuring is less.  And the mentally healthy parent gets trashed.  Well, that's not a good solution, his mother will pressure and tear down any good boundaries he may want to make or establish...

My lawyer (in USA) said, "Courts love counseling."  If your son doesn't have a counselor then your court may agree to order counseling for him.  If so, then how to reduce the risk of the ex controlling the selection so he gets an enabling, inexperienced, gullible counselor that she could sway to her side?  One way that has worked in the past with courts is to be the first to present a short list of vetted counselors who have a good reputation of unbiased reporting to the court.  (When considering Custody Evaluators, my lawyer stated to me that his choice was someone he'd worked with before.  His words were, "He's like god to the courts, it always follows his recommendations."  And he was most excellent.)

Once your short vetted list is proposed to the court then the other parent is to choose from among them only.  Courts can see this as both parents involved in the selection process.

What is your parenting schedule like?  In my case, I had alternate weekends during the divorce process but came out with equal time.  The schedule was 2-2-5-5.  My ex had Mon-Tue overnights, I had Wed-Thu overnights and we alternated the weekends.  That didn't work, my ex still felt in charge and entitled to disparage me as parent so now I have full custody (as Legal Guardian) and school weekdays with me.

In other words, your current parenting schedule may assign you too little time with your daughter.  That's why I asked what your custody and parenting schedule are like.  My county states in its admittedly powerless "parenting guideline" that teens generally do better with a "home base" with one parent.  You can present your reasons to the court that your child's needs are to spend that majority of her time with you.  (Again, she may be afraid to state so to her mother, so that's something you would need to handle as the more stable adult parent.)
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