What are the signs that BPD ex found a replacement?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi,

So we broke up two months ago (I broke up with her) and since then I was trying to get her back, but she was very distant and cold. She showed me couple of times that she wants to try again but then she just told me that she doesn't feel anything towards me anymore. Actually, I realized that she is in devaluation stage and she hates me. She doesn't want to talk to me anymore and wants nothing from me. She told me that she needs to be alone but I don't trust her that she just wants that.
Would this be the obvious sign that she has found the replacement? I don't know her friends very well so I can't ask. Is there anything else that often signifies that they have found a replacement?

[lemon10]

Hi,

So we broke up two months ago (I broke up with her) and since then I was trying to get her back, but she was very distant and cold. She showed me couple of times that she wants to try again but then she just told me that she doesn't feel anything towards me anymore. Actually, I realized that she is in devaluation stage and she hates me. She doesn't want to talk to me anymore and wants nothing from me. She told me that she needs to be alone but I don't trust her that she just wants that.
Would this be the obvious sign that she has found the replacement? I don't know her friends very well so I can't ask. Is there anything else that often signifies that they have found a replacement?

[once removed]

Would this be the obvious sign that she has found the replacement?

not necessarily.

i read through your recent posts. i can relate a lot.

one thing that ive learned since my breakup is that when a breakup is happening, both parties are usually on very different pages...dont know whats going on with the other.

women, generally, fall out of love/grieve in stages. and its not always obvious. i know several times, ive been completely caught off guard when a girl broke up with me.

it sounds like a lot of that was going on for her, and it caught you off guard 

regarding replacements, its really hard to say that there are any clear, typical signs beyond obvious ones, like public flirting, or making a relationship official. some people move on quickly, some are very slow. two months is kind of an in between stage.

what led you to break up with her?

[lemon10]

Makes sense, she indeed caught me off-guard.

Regarding how breakup happened: At first I felt exhausted from her push and pull thing - I didn't quite know at that time that it has to do with BPD. I was like this is it, I can't stand it anymore, it was driving me completely nuts. The breakup went bad - at least from her eyes. She was doing push and pull thing while she was sick (she had temperature) - and I kept my ground, knowing that she was sick. After all the emotional roller coaster those days, she got better, and was sounding better over the phone and posted social media selfies. I knew that she had self-pity so she was exaggerating her condition to a large extent. That day she was bothering me about my social media, like accusing me that I am flirting with other girls, which I haven't. I told her, I really have something to tell you when you get better. Please chill out now. She got into rage a called me, her first sentence was "so what, you gonna break up with me, don't you?" - At this point I was at rage myself, so I told her yes, I do want to do so. I gave her stupid reasons for a breakup because I really needed to get away from her at that point but didn't want to criticize her - I was totally drained, didn't have any capacity to deal with her.
Later on, I explained the situation to her, apologized, but one day she was like I forgive you but I can't be with you because our relationship isn't working and about things you did to me (of course, it's all my fault). Then next days she says she forgives me. Then day afterwards she despises me and so on.
She started devaluation process and added more "bad" things about me. And of course, totally neglecting all the things she did. Bad mouthing with friends and family and stuff.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey lemon10, I agree with once removed that it's hard to point to any clear, typical signs.  At the risk of saying something you probably don't want to hear, I suggest you abandon your quest to determine whether she has found a replacement, because her social life is beyond your control.  In a sense, it's a way of keeping your r/s going, because you're hanging onto something and keeping her in your focus, which may prolong your healing.  In other words, maybe it's time to let go?  It's your call.

LuckyJim

[lemon10]

Hey @Lucky Jim, you are right, I'm at the point now where things are becoming clear, so I got my closure by learning about her and moving on.
Thanks for the support!

[SinisterComplex]

Lemon, under no circumstances should you ever give a damn if someone you broke up with has found a replacement...regardless if they are disordered or not. When you break up you break up for a reason. Go about your business. Reflect. Learn from your mistakes and take those lessons with you moving forward to create better relationships and a better version of yourself.

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC-

[once removed]

so I got my closure by learning about her and moving on.

i can understand that. learning more about BPD was really valuable to me in my recovery. what sort of questions do you have? how can we help you learn?

it sounds like you were at your breaking point, but regret breaking up with her. does that sound right?

[lemon10]

I kind of regret it because if I was aware of BPD and I would act differently. Her push and pull was draining for me because I didnt know that was her fear. I was like oh well I guess I should leave then and left too many times. 3 times in total. So I know now she is thinking: "oh he left me too many times this isnt working". What sucks is that I would to talk about it with her and resolve the conflict but thats probably never going to happen because I am in NC and she of course, neglects that she pushed me away.

[dt9000]

My situation was a little different...  my BPD found a replacement while we were still together and then completely devalued and discarded me. We separated, I eventually moved out, and things were kind of ok for the 6 months she and the replacement were together. Things were relatively quiet, she was pleasant and agreeable, and we shared an open custody arrangement with our children. I started dating someone and my BPDex even gave me dating advice.

Then her replacement left and my BPDex went off the rails, with all her BPD rage directed at me.

I don't know what will happen when/if a new replacement comes along. I'm not in contact with her enough to know whether she has a new replacement, and quite frankly I don't care unless they redirect her attention away from me.

dt9000

[LJLR]

I found that my ex was very open on social media a couple of days after she moved out from me with her replacement which I believe she was setting up probably a week or so before that. Very full on, very quickly.
As much as it is painful to think about, remember it is often a cycle. Do what you have to do to avoid checking or seeing. I blocked, deleted, disabled my own accounts. It doesn't have to be forever but until you feel strong enough

[once removed]

I kind of regret it because if I was aware of BPD and I would act differently.

i know what you mean.

its been a while since youve posted...any update? has there been any communication?

[lemon10]

Hey,

I was in NC, she is just obsessively checking my instagram almost every day (and we don't follow each other). After my NC was done, I reached out to ask how is she doing, she seemed happy to talk but I kept it short.

So I don't know what it means that she is so obsessed about my life now.

Not sure what are my next steps but I keep myself at the distance just in case.

[SinisterComplex]

So Lemon, keep yourself at a distance and truly figure out your feelings and thoughts. I guess what do you want to come of your situation? What is the end game here? The best I can say is that you need to focus on you and not let the other person have an affect on you. Now if you want that person as a part of your life that is your decision and yours alone to make. I would just advise you to always make sure that you are making decisions based on your own best self interests and what you really want. Keep us updated and vent as much as necessary.

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC-

[Lucky Jim]

Hey lemon10:  I agree w/SC: Take yourself out of the game.  You no longer need to participate in the drama.  Figure out what is right for you.  Listen to your gut feelings.  Strive to be authentic.  You get the idea.

LJ