Friendship with an EX? is this normal for a BPD?

[Nongler4545]

Hi, love this site and it has been such a valuable resource for me in trying to work my way through the confusion of my BPD ex.

Apologies if this is somewhere on the site, but I have been split from my BPD ex since April last year, however during that time we have remained close apart from a period of 8 weeks where we fell out (her insitigating this argument and I walked away from the drama of it) to be then reunited when I bumped in to her at the doctors and her mental health had taken a turn for the worse over that 8 weeks (feel like as soon as I was out of her life she fell apart)


So we are now on good terms and the argument has been forgotten about and i had a semi apology from her regarding it, she is open about her dating other guys and being very honest with me about some terrible decisions she is making (ONS with ex's etc) which is hard for me to take initially but i have done so much work on myself i'm reminding myself of my worth in this and rising above it, not sure if she is wanting a reaction etc?

Anyway my question is friendship, she has said to me in the past she doesnt want to cut ties with me, she wants to be friends and doesnt want to lose me, but is this normal for a BPD sufferer to work hard to keep me in my life, she buys me and my son gifts, she emails my son keeping contact with him, she looked after my dog today whilst i worked and is always offering to have my dog etc.

I have read everywhere most BPD sufferers literally cut off contact as they have devalued the partner to such a point they dont see anything different, none of her previous ex's are in her life and dont get the access i do, although she did sleep with an ex recently, but its generous calling him an ex and he is a really bad guy, she actually felt shameful of it.

So my interest is in reconcilling with her, like I said I have worked hard on myself, our break up wasnt nasty, she just out of the blue ended it and had some very strange reasons for it (which i have proved all wrong over the last summer) I'm trying to work out what is this friendship she wants with me that she values so much. Is it because I did make such an impression to her life that she literally cant let me go, does she recognise the bond we have? Do any others here have similar stories to tell and its successfully led to  reconcilliation?

Thanks guys

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[itsmeSnap]

I'm friends with my bpdex, she cut contact for a year and now she's dating someone else.

She's really nice and we talk about a lot of things, specially relationships stuff and just life in general.

To be perfectly honest with you, were basically each other's backburner. She says she doesn't want to date me but gets super jealous when I mention other women, fishes for compliments on her beauty and she asks me a lot about what I'd be like if I had kids.

I also don't want to date her, but I don't miss an opportunity to tease her about our past and how she can't have me anymore, she tries hard to get my attention back and spend time with me. I am not dating anyone right now so its comfortable for me to talk with her as if we had a relationship but pull back whenever she tries to charm me.

What I'm saying is, you have to be perfectly hones with yourself about what a relationship, friends or whatever, means for you. She will slip, you will slip, if you fall its game over.

She came to me in a time of distress for her (moving out to another country), she hooked up with her bf in a terrible time for her, right after she cut contact with me. He was her (married btw) friend that was there for her, and that was enough for her to try. We all seek connection at our most vulnerable, I had just broken up with someone else when she reconnected. What's your vulnerability?

Its been just three months friendship so I don't know if this will last, I'd consider it stable after a year. It is possible, and its ok to be curious about why she's doing it, and why you're doing it too.

[once removed]

is this normal for a BPD sufferer to work hard to keep me in my life, she buys me and my son gifts, she emails my son keeping contact with him, she looked after my dog today whilst i worked and is always offering to have my dog etc.

I have read everywhere most BPD sufferers literally cut off contact as they have devalued the partner to such a point they dont see anything different

its very hard to generalize about this sort of thing, and theres a lot of toxic, misleading stuff about BPD out there on the internet.

BPD, as a disorder, doesnt really speak to a proclivity to stay in touch or out of touch with people...friends, family, exes. it does speak to unstable relationships, and people with BPD traits are inherently difficult people, so it can certainly speak to a history of rocky relationships of all kinds, and falling out.

our break up wasnt nasty, she just out of the blue ended it and had some very strange reasons for it (which i have proved all wrong over the last summer

what were her reasons?

[Nongler4545]

its very hard to generalize about this sort of thing, and theres a lot of toxic, misleading stuff about BPD out there on the internet.

BPD, as a disorder, doesnt really speak to a proclivity to stay in touch or out of touch with people...friends, family, exes. it does speak to unstable relationships, and people with BPD traits are inherently difficult people, so it can certainly speak to a history of rocky relationships of all kinds, and falling out.

what were her reasons?

Hi thanks for your reply, her reasons were that she felt when we would have kids that she wouldn’t be able to rely on me financially (I already have one child who is healthy and provided for!) she also said I didn’t have the same drive and ambition as her to better myself (once again I’m self employed and I’m in the middle of doing some new qualifications to better myself) I just felt they weren’t relationship ending reasons especially as the night before she ended it she was telling me I was the one and she loved me more than ever.

Today I saw her and she was flirting heavily with me, giggling around me etc, reading between the lines I think she is trying to better her life, she relies on alcohol a lot but I can see she hasn’t been drinking, which is a huge step for her.

I’m hoping reality is hitting her and she is finally seeking the changes to help her regulate her emotions